Filling in the blanks..was...Re:My Pain In Shame

[Guest guest]

Hey ;

I am glad you jumped in. So nice to meet you. Thanks for

pointing out that I haven't supplied you with enough information to

put the puzzle pieces together. Let me fill that in for you.

I live in Canada, and married a man from Swat in the Himalayan

mountains. Its also where both 'Lost Horizon " movies were shot, and

is the 'Shangri-La' the Asians speak of. We have been running a

business online for 2 years of translating and proofreading to earn

money for immigration. I have been with him for 4-8 hours a day on

webcam for 4+ years and I know about 10 other people in his town

that all know and respect him. I met him through one of these other

friends online.

I am in the end stages of lupus, with heart failure and a few

weeks ago was told that if I didn't get some treatment soon, I would

be too sick for any kind of treatment. The Dr. told me I might have

to wait 6-12 months for testing and treatment. I lived in the USA

for 20 years, and there I would be treated within 24 hours. There

have been an eerie amount of delays with the immigration, but those

seem inspired, because I cannot take care of him and help him adapt

to this society when I can't even get myself a sandwich. I can't

even keep him fed unless I get well, and since the medical world

gave up on my lupus years ago, all my treatments except for

unbearable pain, are natural. I am also going through Rapid Eye

Technique sessions and energetic healing sessions that I can re-send

the websites to if you're interested, but are in an earlier post. I

decided to pursue this course of " The secret " , energetic healing,

changing the way you think and speak, etc. in hopes that I can

start a whole new life.

I have a master's degree in world religions, but my education

completely passed over this new enlightened way of thinking, maybe

because it can't be classified as a religion. I am Christian, but

also have beliefs from every major religion and still enjoy studying

them. I have had more than 12 NDEs (Near death experiences), so I am

not afraid of dying. In fact, until I started the Rapid Eye

Technique, I wanted to die. RET removed that desire and changed it

into a desire to start all over and to give to people as much as I

possibly can, and to enjoy some things in life. I am bedridden so

even going to the park would be enjoying life, I moved to Canada 9

years ago this week but have been too sick to go meet friends. I did

meet a few, but was not able to share in the give and take that

friendships need to survive, so the friendships didn't survive. I am

living with my terminally ill mother (also lupus) and my terminally

ill father (just went into a nursing home in March but we cared for

him before that) and my terminally ill brother (who moved close to

the nursing home so he could feed dad twice a day). We don't know

who will go first. I wish we could all go at once. We are so close,

it will be really hard to miss even one of the others...but knowing

we will soon all be together is a comfort.

It is possible that this threat of me dying is just like all the

others, where the Dr. would say " You can't live past 2 more years " ,

then in 2 years I would have a NDE, get sent back to earth, and it

would start again, but this time the feeling is completely

different. I have enough organ= damage now that death is possible.

Death itself is easy. Its living alone through this pain and fear

and starving that is bugging me. Mom is not well enough to help me.

She is living on ensure drinks since I can't cook for us anymore.

Just after being told my prognosis, I made it a full time job to

find an agency to help my family. I went through them all, no luck.

I have had ads up to hire someone for years with no reply. There is

a real labor shortage crisis in Canada so they are begging for

immigrants to come work here. My husband couldn't bear to see me

suffer so much, and loves me so much, he wanted to come here and

help my family, but that's not happening either. I guess that's good

because it would be awful for him to come here and live with a sick

wife, not able to enjoy life or get help to adapt, and then if I

died, he's be left in strange country alone. It would be much

better if he could come after I could get this heart treatment so I

would have a little bit of strength to help him. I feel so bad that

I can't be the kind of wife I want to be, the kind he deserves, but

I " SERVED " hubby #1 so much that I wore out my body before I was 35,

then when I started slowing down, he tossed me out like a used

Kleenex. He ten married an oriental woman, thinking that was the

only way he would get " served " like I served him, but that backfired

on him. I am thankful that God got me out of that marriage, because

even though I thought I knew what love really was, it was completely

different compared to the love I get now, even from 10,000 miles

away. If there is such a thing as a twin flame or mirror spirit or

soul mate, this man makes me believe there are such things. We are

so much in tune with each other, even calling at the same time,

saying the same things, knowing what the other is feeling. I want

this man despite breaking all the rules of his society and he feels

the same. Rules of marrying outside the tribe, color, religion,age

group, away from the family, everything. We are both willing to give

up everything to be together. It sounds foolish, and I do fight with

my practical side and my desire to be with him, because I know how

hard marriage is at the best of times, he doesn't. He's an innocent.

Even with the heart condition taken care of, if that would take

me back to where I was 4 months ago before the hart problem, then I

will only have 4 hours a day of strength, but I still HOPE I can

find ways to change that. If I can't, then I feel very sorry for the

life my husband will face with a sick, but adoring wife.

I am ashamed to complain, because I know things could be

worse...but sometimes it really needs to be vocalized that I am

struggling and alone and need encouragement, and soon will need a

real human local friend or employee to help with living skills. Mom

is sick upstairs in her room, I am sick downstairs in my room, and

rarely are e able to do much for each other. I am SOOO thankful to

be alive in the age of internet so I can reach people even from my

bed. People from all over the world. I am a knowledge sponge, so I

am learning more from bed than I could if I traveled the world if I

were healthy, so this little box is a blessing. lol.

thanks for everything you said. It really did help me a

lot. This really is an amazing bunch of people~!

Much love and gratitude,

Sheila

; AND

ALL....

> > As I read your story, it feels like my insides are being

> pulled out, because I am feeling the same in 1 way, but had

completely

> different experiences than you. This new way of thinking tells me

that

> everything I am suffering is my own fault and it seems to add more

> pain and guilt and shame instead of helping it. This new way of

> thinking (well its all new to me) tells me that if I were to just

> think differently, there would be no more suffering. I am still

> rebelling against that. That leaves no room for God helping us walk

> through certain circumstances because He knows we need to learn

from

> them. It leaves no room for others needing to help those who need

> help, because " they caused it, they are supposed to work out of it

> themselves " , and I have been told that, but have never been taught

> how to think differently. Just today I was going to send a note to

the

> group, saying how much pain I was in and that I did just want to

die

> today, and that my enthusiasm to stay alive,

> > which started just a few weeks ago, had burned out because I

don't

> even have much strength to breathe or to process any

thinking....but

> didn't think I should post it here, because I would get blamed for

> " thinking WRONGLY " , and that everything I am feeling, I brought on

> myself...and that information does NOT help me get out of the pain.

> Does this new way of thinking leave any room for God comforting me

or

> there even being a God who loves me? I'm at the point where I am

> trying to decide whether to accept/believe all of this, or to go

back

> to what I knew before, where I DID feel comfort from my God. I am

in

> pain, and I too was too ashamed to say anything here. I have not

even

> had the strength to read all the posts, so have considered kicking

> myself out of the group, because I am in grade 1 with this new way

of

> thinking, and all of you seem to be in University, and I don't even

> understand half of what is said, until I learn other concepts

first. I

> don't know what to think or

> > feel or think...I just know I am in terrible pain and afraid

that I

> might have to annul my marriage because I am too sick to help him

> survive and adjust once he immigrates. He is from Swat, by Kashmir

in

> the Himalayan mountains, also where Shangri-la is believed to be,

> where Buddha was born. He had to travel to Pakistan for

immigration,

> and they said that according to PAKISTANI LAW, there was something

> left out on our marriage certificate. We got a lawyer from Swat,

who

> said that since we were not married in a Pakistani owned area,

> Pakistani law does not matter. The Afghanistan people have to go to

> Pakistan for immigration too. So then we were told it would take

from

> 1 to 4 years to even get a hearing to tell the judge about the

> mistake, but I am happy for the delay, so I can try to get well

first.

> I am just thinking what if I don't get well? Why delay his life? I

> need to let him move on and marry someone else...but he doesn't

want

> to. Ok enough babbling, thanks for

> > writing that. I really was ashamed to cry out for help in here

too.

> > Blessings,

> > Sheila

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha!

> > Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at

> Games.

> >

>