Re: My Pain In Shame (for Stef)

[Guest guest]

I so totally love, love, love you me darlin', Stef....always!! MUAH "Sage " is the word which comes to mind when I read what you offer, followed quickly by "compassionate" and then "grace-filled". Thank you for being YOU. Always & Infinitely...~Ali~Stefanie <diddiejar@...> wrote: , I know you wrote this for , but there's one thing I want to say in response. The impression I got as I read this, and

previous posts is that you love God, but you have a hard time loving others. That in return is the mirror. You don't know how to love YOURSELF. You just cannot love another wholly if you don't know how to love yourself. This is a very difficult issue. It's like you said about talking in tongues. If you don't know the meaning, then you can't understand the words. It's the same with love. If you don't understand how to love yourself, then you can't possibly express it to another. Maybe it's the same with your husband? Here's something I would like you to do if you're open to it. Sit with yourself with no music, no distractions. Phone off, and the hubby out of the house. I want you to fill your heart with the love that you have for God. Fill your soul, pray, sing, anything that you do to raise this unconditional love yo have for God. Submerge yourself in this love! Then imagine, if you will, that God is sitting right in front of you. He's filled with

incredible love for his daughter. He's smiling at you with kind eyes. He's so proud of you. Reach out and touch God's face, he touches your face in return. Feel the reality of this love.....sit with him for awhile, communicating in a different language. Now he invites you to do something you never dreamed as an option. He opens his arms to hold you. You crawl into his arms, and as you do this, you merge with God! You become one with the holy spirit! You ARE him and divine like him in every single way! Your love fills every ounce of your being like a river flowing and clearing out the pain. God is still in you, but now you're seeing through his eyes........Everything looks so different. Fresh, and new. So beautiful. Now imagine yourself, still filled with this overwhelming love and compassion sitting in front of your husband. Look at him through God's eyes. Feel your love for his spirit through God's eyes. Bless him with everything you have. Love him through your

divinity. Feel him reach out to you, and touch your face. Love him like a child. Invite him into your own arms and merge with him. Feel the love he has for you, this is the true mirror. This is the process of love. Selflessness, non judging, and it always starts with ourselves. We can never rely on others to get the wheel turning if they're not willing to. This is how you're going to learn to love yourself. If you have a hard time doing this, then imagine it's your mother sitting in front of you. Bless her for everything she's experienced, and made you feel. Bless all the people in your life who have hurt you and made you feel like a prisoner. Do this one by one. Let the tears fall if they come. Allow yourself this release! Then remember YOU are divine. YOU are God because you love yourself unconditionally like you love God. Now forgive yourself.........love yourself.........allow yourself your pain, then LET IT GO. You don't need it any longer

. Please try this, I share this with you out of love,Stefanie>> I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group. I > guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing > others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want > others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it hurts > this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I > fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be kind > if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.> > Hello ,> > I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a bit > of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got > much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a

sexual > form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be inward > and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly towards > my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say the > words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss as > to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a day > later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain > meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember > this. > I understand what you mean by all of us going through life > experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we > react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother with > a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we do > and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many > therapists (cognitive therapy) we take

responsibility for how we > treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around totally > unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always looked > at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in > this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life > times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to > understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm not > closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out and > relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is > just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can > only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to the > extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I have > shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much of > anything for my husband and no

matter how hard he tries and I try to > open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because it > has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that abused > me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken love > because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was love > there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for pity > sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong but I > didn't listen to my own soul. > If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am an > infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love on > a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is > unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a feeling > of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think you > could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times

it comes through > but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and > allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not > about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time, the > right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete. > These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the other > woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember. She > wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing to > let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred, such > self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the cause > in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention the > mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is as > if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as one. > One is still full of love, full of

wisdom and plentiful in gifts that > have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I have > described the other. > I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not > really having to completely understand it all because this is what we > learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those > words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond the > written word where to someone else they are only words, boring dull > and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read > many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind didn't. > I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not > understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does. I > realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that is > okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same place

> just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe. > > , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13 > and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and that > was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he > is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he was > raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does > not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it is > his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up and > do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame > himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't move > forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create hate > and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in it? > What if he is trying all that he knows to do and

nothing seems to > work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and it > doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this is > my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less painful > but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to be > unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on this > level anyway. > > I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get caught > in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of > emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one to > blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless > marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish > myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean > too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have brought > myself to

suicide level. I once was homeless with four children, no > child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to my > health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat, > nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler to > keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room hoping > the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had gone > into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home we > moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after > knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but > because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own > mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let go > of several my children in order to survive.....just to other family > members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.>

> I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard to > think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere. If > it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I > can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to say > that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do I > only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important to > stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide because > it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive me > for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the > confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is me > here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get it > at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My > hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing

this, God forbid > if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read or > bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I do. > I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post > this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am > ashamed..:-( > > I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it, > almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall to > wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow is > the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that means > I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written by > btw? > > So sorry again, >

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the smiles Ali. And I love love LOVE you too me sister!

*hugs*

Stefanie

> >> > I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group. I > > guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing > > others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want > > others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it hurts > > this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I > > fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be kind > > if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.> > > > Hello ,> > > > I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a bit > > of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got > > much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a sexual > > form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be inward > > and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly towards > > my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say the > > words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss as > > to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a day > > later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain > > meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember > > this. > > I understand what you mean by all of us going through life > > experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we > > react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother with > > a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we do > > and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many > > therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we > > treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around totally > > unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always looked > > at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in > > this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life > > times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to > > understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm not > > closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out and > > relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is > > just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can > > only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to the > > extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I have > > shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much of > > anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try to > > open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because it > > has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that abused > > me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken love > > because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was love > > there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for pity > > sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong but I > > didn't listen to my own soul. > > If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am an > > infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love on > > a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is > > unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a feeling > > of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think you > > could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes through > > but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and > > allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not > > about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time, the > > right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete. > > These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the other > > woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember. She > > wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing to > > let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred, such > > self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the cause > > in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention the > > mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is as > > if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as one. > > One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts that > > have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I have > > described the other. > > I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not > > really having to completely understand it all because this is what we > > learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those > > words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond the > > written word where to someone else they are only words, boring dull > > and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read > > many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind didn't. > > I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not > > understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does. I > > realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that is > > okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same place > > just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe. > > > > , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13 > > and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and that > > was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he > > is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he was > > raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does > > not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it is > > his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up and > > do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame > > himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't move > > forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create hate > > and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in it? > > What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to > > work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and it > > doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this is > > my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less painful > > but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to be > > unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on this > > level anyway. > > > > I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get caught > > in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of > > emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one to > > blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless > > marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish > > myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean > > too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have brought > > myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children, no > > child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to my > > health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat, > > nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler to > > keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room hoping > > the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had gone > > into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home we > > moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after > > knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but > > because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own > > mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let go > > of several my children in order to survive.....just to other family > > members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.> > > > I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard to > > think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere. If > > it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I > > can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to say > > that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do I > > only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important to > > stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide because > > it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive me > > for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the > > confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is me > > here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get it > > at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My > > hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God forbid > > if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read or > > bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I do. > > I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post > > this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am > > ashamed..:-( > > > > I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it, > > almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall to > > wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow is > > the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that means > > I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written by > > btw? > > > > So sorry again, > >>

[Guest guest]

Dearest , , Stefanie, and Ali,

I am here, reading what I feel is the most incredible showing of

love and compassion between 4 amazing people than I can honestly say

I have ever seen/heard/felt in my entire life thus far. , you

are so strong to share your very self with US, your family, I love

your courage to post what has been burdening your heart. , the

kindness and purely genuine love you have shown for sweet is

beyond words! Stefanie, as Ali has said, such " sage " words. Just

such a loving and beautiful reaching out to give your insight/advice

on meditating and the wonderful example, so kind. And to Ali, always

you are so loving and thoughtful.

, please know that as so lovingly said, you are loved

by this family so much! You have courage and strength, to it may not

feel like it. Sharing with us the very core of how you feel is a

difficult thing that some people NEVER express and it just hurts them

more. I treasure the fact that you are YOU! All the people in the

past that have hurt us, as Stefanie so lovingly said, I feel you can

gain your power back from. You are as beautiful as the white dove,

the dove of love and peace. Please know I say this with such love

and respect for you. You truly have touched my heart and I wish true

peace for you, my dear! Peace to you, LUNA ---

In , Alison Kain <alisonkain@...>

wrote:

>

> I so totally love, love, love you me darlin', Stef....always!!

MUAH " Sage " is the word which comes to mind when I read what you

offer, followed quickly by " compassionate " and then " grace-filled " .

Thank you for being YOU. Always & Infinitely...~Ali~

>

> Stefanie <diddiejar@...> wrote:

, I know you wrote this for , but there's one thing I want

to say in response. The impression I got as I read this, and previous

posts is that you love God, but you have a hard time loving others.

That in return is the mirror. You don't know how to love YOURSELF.

You just cannot love another wholly if you don't know how to love

yourself.

>

> This is a very difficult issue. It's like you said about talking in

tongues. If you don't know the meaning, then you can't understand the

words. It's the same with love. If you don't understand how to love

yourself, then you can't possibly express it to another. Maybe it's

the same with your husband?

>

> Here's something I would like you to do if you're open to it. Sit

with yourself with no music, no distractions. Phone off, and the

hubby out of the house.

> I want you to fill your heart with the love that you have for God.

Fill your soul, pray, sing, anything that you do to raise this

unconditional love yo have for God. Submerge yourself in this love!

Then imagine, if you will, that God is sitting right in front of you.

He's filled with incredible love for his daughter. He's smiling at

you with kind eyes. He's so proud of you. Reach out and touch God's

face, he touches your face in return. Feel the reality of this

love.....sit with him for awhile, communicating in a different

language. Now he invites you to do something you never dreamed as an

option. He opens his arms to hold you. You crawl into his arms, and

as you do this, you merge with God! You become one with the holy

spirit! You ARE him and divine like him in every single way! Your

love fills every ounce of your being like a river flowing and

clearing out the pain. God is still in you, but now you're seeing

through his eyes........Everything looks so different. Fresh,

> and new. So beautiful. Now imagine yourself, still filled with

this overwhelming love and compassion sitting in front of your

husband. Look at him through God's eyes. Feel your love for his

spirit through God's eyes. Bless him with everything you have. Love

him through your divinity. Feel him reach out to you, and touch your

face. Love him like a child. Invite him into your own arms and merge

with him. Feel the love he has for you, this is the true mirror. This

is the process of love. Selflessness, non judging, and it always

starts with ourselves. We can never rely on others to get the wheel

turning if they're not willing to. This is how you're going to learn

to love yourself.

>

> If you have a hard time doing this, then imagine it's your mother

sitting in front of you. Bless her for everything she's experienced,

and made you feel. Bless all the people in your life who have hurt

you and made you feel like a prisoner. Do this one by one. Let the

tears fall if they come. Allow yourself this release!

>

> Then remember YOU are divine. YOU are God because you love yourself

unconditionally like you love God. Now forgive yourself.........love

yourself.........allow yourself your pain, then LET IT GO. You don't

need it any longer .

>

> Please try this, I share this with you out of love,

> Stefanie

>

>

>

> --- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@>

wrote:

> >

> > I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the

group. I

> > guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing

> > others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want

> > others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it

hurts

> > this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol.

I

> > fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be

kind

> > if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.

> >

> > Hello ,

> >

> > I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a

bit

> > of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never

got

> > much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a

sexual

> > form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be

inward

> > and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly

towards

> > my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say

the

> > words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a

loss as

> > to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a

day

> > later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain

> > meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember

> > this.

> > I understand what you mean by all of us going through life

> > experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we

> > react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother

with

> > a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we

do

> > and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many

> > therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we

> > treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around

totally

> > unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always

looked

> > at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured

in

> > this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life

> > times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to

> > understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm

not

> > closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out

and

> > relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it

is

> > just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit

can

> > only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to

the

> > extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I

have

> > shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel

much of

> > anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try

to

> > open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because

it

> > has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that

abused

> > me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken

love

> > because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was

love

> > there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for

pity

> > sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong

but I

> > didn't listen to my own soul.

> > If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am

an

> > infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love

on

> > a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is

> > unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a

feeling

> > of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think

you

> > could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes

through

> > but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and

> > allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not

> > about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time,

the

> > right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete.

> > These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the

other

> > woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember.

She

> > wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core,

refusing to

> > let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred,

such

> > self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the

cause

> > in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention

the

> > mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is

as

> > if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as

one.

> > One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts

that

> > have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I

have

> > described the other.

> > I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not

> > really having to completely understand it all because this is

what we

> > learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those

> > words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond

the

> > written word where to someone else they are only words, boring

dull

> > and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have

read

> > many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind

didn't.

> > I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not

> > understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us

does. I

> > realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that

is

> > okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same

place

> > just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe.

> >

> > , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was

13

> > and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and

that

> > was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who

he

> > is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he

was

> > raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he

does

> > not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it

is

> > his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up

and

> > do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame

> > himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't

move

> > forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create

hate

> > and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in

it?

> > What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to

> > work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and

it

> > doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this

is

> > my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less

painful

> > but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to

be

> > unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on

this

> > level anyway.

> >

> > I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get

caught

> > in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of

> > emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one

to

> > blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless

> > marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish

> > myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't

mean

> > too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have

brought

> > myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children,

no

> > child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to

my

> > health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat,

> > nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a

cooler to

> > keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room

hoping

> > the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had

gone

> > into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come

home we

> > moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after

> > knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but

> > because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own

> > mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let

go

> > of several my children in order to survive.....just to other

family

> > members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.

> >

> > I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard

to

> > think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere.

If

> > it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I

> > can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to

say

> > that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do

I

> > only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important

to

> > stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide

because

> > it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive

me

> > for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for

the

> > confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is

me

> > here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't

get it

> > at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it.

My

> > hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God

forbid

> > if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read

or

> > bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I

do.

> > I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to

post

> > this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am

> > ashamed..:-(

> >

> > I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it,

> > almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall

to

> > wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done,

tomorrow is

> > the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that

means

> > I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book

written by

> > btw?

> >

> > So sorry again,

> >

>