Confessions of a sad and silent observer...

[Guest guest]

Hello, Greeting and Good Day to all!!

This is my first post to the group (or to any group for that matter). More importantly it is my way of introducing myself (which selfishly i feel is more for my benefit than for yours) but in the purest form of honesty it is nothing more than the confessions of a sad and silent observer...

I was invited to join this wonderful group over two months ago when i contacted for some much needed energy and healing. This is my very first experience with a "group" and i must say just joining made me feel a little "odd" (i mean after all, aren't "groups" and "chat rooms" for pervs and weirdo's and people that don't have REAL lives???... WRONG ). But i was desperate and in need of information and here it was waiting for me, all i had to do was log on and get it. So to be perfectly honest, i joined, got what i needed and didn't log in for like two weeks after that. I kept getting the bulletins and just archiving them away but then something happened and one night when in my sorrow i felt inspired to read i actually opened one and read all of the beautiful poems, inspirations, endearing stories, insightful thoughts and communications of love that abounded inside!! WOW! I don't know what's wrong with me... or with my brain (truly a ramble for anouther time and anouther place). I had so many tools arriving daily here in my inbox and yet in my pathetic state of depression i was so lost that i hadn't the strength to just click and read...

SO after many conversations with my dear friends Ali and Liane and after much much time spend journaling and reflecting and trying to meditate (and i do mean TRYING because how does one actually clear the mind of all thoughts anywayz... i haven't figured that one out yet!) i have slowly begun to find myself again and i have come to realize that i now have enough strength (i think) and a whole hearted desire to begin participating in this group (or at least trying to)!

I actually have been introduced to this group (all-be-it not formally) via a request for prayer posted with love by Ali (so many thanks!! you beautiful precious soul!) about a month ago... i'm the girl being stalked and harassed by the (lets just say) "not-so-enlightened-being" (was that a nice enough way to state it?!), Mom very sick, no job, bankruptcy, foreclosure, love of my life – soul mate – beloved boyfriend deported and, totally lost wreck... yep, that's me lately. As a result of that post I received an outpouring of love and light and energy beyond what i thought imaginable. You people are awe inspiring and inspirational beyond what mere words can relay (and i mean that with every ounce of love i have to muster!). I remember silently reading each reply to that post and literally trembling with tears, body shaking, full forced weeping in my sadness and thinking to myself "how in the world could you actually feel (i mean the real thing... feel!) love by these "strangers" (as after all i have met in person none of you and being silent for so long have not even had the opportunity to exchange thoughts or words with you)?? Really... i felt love transcend the monitor of my lil ol laptop and touch my heart. At the time it was so painful to even THINK i could be lovable, feeling it was a shock that my system honestly just could not take. I was shook and i was (more importantly) i was forever CHANGED...

So (pity party over) here i sit now, over a month later, still deep in depression, turmoil and struggle (as nothing has actually materially changed in my life's situation) but different in that i now feel inspired to "talk". (baby steps are good! As you can see from this first post of mine, i tend to be verbose without necessity and interject thoughts and feeling all over the place and feel it is okay to do so as long as i parenthesize to punctuate the thing (to all of those scholarly in the art of written language i do humbly apologize).

So what am i actually tying to say here??

1. To all of you beautiful wonderful caring people who reached out to me in response to that prayer request, i want to apologize for taking a month to show my appreciation to you and to give you thanks for the selfless act of kindness you so graciously gave to me. You truly and literally have contributed to saving my life! and i will forever be grateful to you for receiving those precious gifts of words in my darkest hour. If i am lucky i will be blessed enough to give back and to touch outhers in the same way that you have touched me.

2. I have a lot to say but i have so much more to learn. I don't really know where i am along my path of understanding because i have managed to lose myself. At one point i felt that i embodied some form of insight and i'd like to think that some of that will come back to me as i send my thoughts and feelings and contributions over cyberspace. I would like to think that as my strength is restored and i can find that part of me that i miss so terribly that these feelings of being bewildered and lost will vanish. Basically i see myself as a "baby" lil spirit fragile and tender but eyes wide and mind open and anxious to absorb and learn and take in all that is out there.

3. I have made a commitment to myself and to a dear dear friend *wink* that i will be active in this group and i would like to know to which topics you all seem to find most intriguing, most difficult to understand, most illusive and in the most need of attention?? I ask because i want to start my rambling form of contributions along those lines. I want to make a difference here and i mean that sincerely... so the scientist in me says "now... if your gonna do it, do it right". Right to me, means finding out where to start and the only way to do that is by asking.

SO properly... if you have managed to read my ramble this far... i would like to introduce myself. My name is . I am currently in Southern Cali (Anaheim) although frankly i don't know where i live right now, or where my life is going. I can tell you though, it can only get better! My formal education and two former careers have been in the fields of Marine Biology (field research) and in Real Estate (investing in what is lovingly called "ugly houses"). I am 31. I was a competitive ice skater as a child and am now a competitive ballroom dancer as an adult. I love music of all kinds and proof of that can be seen in my collection of CD's numbering in the 1500's about now and in my expression of music via the piano. I am a certified cake decorator because i felt that my life was not well rounded enough and i tend to be someone who is consistently living too much on the serious side of life. I am technically single and i have no children although i have unconditionally given my love to a man whom remains in my life in a very complicated and confusing way. I admit to being a bit too analytical for my own good sometimes and i am one of those dreaded people who dares to ask the question "WHY" about almost everything.

So with all of that said i suppose i am officially "out of the closet" of silence. I welcome any and all comments to everything i dare to post. I look forward to growing personal relationships with as many of you as i can. I aspire to show compassion and love in a way even half as lovely as that consistently shown by Ali and Luna, i aspire to become a writer even half as good as but mostly i aspire to simply connect and grow into a better form of myself and look forward to doing so in t he company of this precious group. Liane and have started something here that has already accomplished (whether they know it or not) their goal of changing and touching lives (Thank You for being the beautiful caring loving people that you are!!) and i am so grateful that the universe has placed me here in the company of such greatness!!

I love all of you already and this "relationship" has only begun!!

Thank you for your gifts of time in reading this and thank you for your infinite gifts of love and wisdom.

May only peace hold your hand today and always!

Namaste

Jus me ~ C