Re: Totally jinxed myself

[Guest guest]

OMG when I take away privileges Ella freaks out and it ends up

being a two plus hours of survival of the fittest. I let her vote me off the

island once….. I can’t wait for her to be older and comprehend consequences

better than she does now. How did you handle situations like this when she was

four? To: undisclosed-recipients@... Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 1:02 PM Subject: Totally jinxed myself

My DH and I were talking yesterday at lunch about our daughter. I made the comment that life is way better than it used to be and that we haven't really seen the temper tantrums like we used to see (she's 15). I should have known better! She gets home from school and asks if she can have some chips. I tell her no but that she can have a healthy snack. It starts to escalate to the point where she is really mad. She goes in to get a snack from the pantry. Here little brother is trying to be helpful and wants to help her find a snack. She gets a snack out and then hits/slams the drawer and breaks it. I had pull out shelves...not anymore. She tells me about it. I'm fairly calm but irritated. I tell her that since it was broken out of anger, she made the decision to loose her privileges for the rest of the night. This means no electronics of any sort (TV, cell phone, laptop...). Her obsession is watching and reading stories about Teen

Titans. She completely freaks out...screaming, crying, stomping her feet...the only thing she didn't do was flop down on the floor. Anyway, the good thing was that we were on the way to the psychologist's office for her appointment. We get into the car and she is still screaming and crying. I calmly tell her that if she is going to continue to scream, I'm going to turn up the radio. I don't turn it up dangerously loud, just loud enough to hear it over the top of her. She is auditory defensive so she hates it but it is a good because it breaks her out of the moment. It sounds cruel but it really isn't. I always tell her that she is entitled to her feelings but that no one else has to suffer because of them. Anyway, she quieted right down. A few minutes later she has calmed down and the negotiations begin. She asks if she can read her stories on the laptop since reading is good. I tell her no and she starts up again. I turn the radio up

two little notches and she quiets back down. She asks if she can work on writing her story on the laptop since her brother gets to play with his Leapster when he is grounded (it's educational). I didn't want to say no to that but I also didn't want to back down. I said that I'd think about it. I decided to ask the psychologist what she thought. My daughter hates writing normally but, thanks to her obsession, she is writing a rather long story (Ya!) and I want to encourage that. We get to the Dr office and I go in first and tell the psychologist everything that happened and how I responded. She totally agreed with what I did and how I handled it. She said that she agreed that letting work on her story was a good thing. I love this psychologist. She totally holds our daughter accountable for her actions. She understands the AS diagnosis but she also knows that we can't coddle her. If we do, she will never be ready to face the world

as an adult. She spends the rest of the hour with my daughter explaining why she has to be held accountable and they talked about some techniques that she could use to prevent it from happening again. When she came out she looked really glum. I asked if she needed a hug and she grunted (she didn't want to need a hug but she did.). I hugged her and told her I loved her even when she was a brat (jokingly). She relaxed and smiled and the rest of the night was uneventful...well mostly.



Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you;

Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.

One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.

[Guest guest]

I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when she was four. We knew she was more intense, sensitive, difficult, spirited...you know she was just 'MORE'. I figured that she might be ADHD because I am. She could sit very still and play educational software for half an hour or more without moving so I wasn't sure. At four, we used the Naughty Spot. We had a time-out chair and/or any corner I could find. Nose in the corner worked better than the chair...she would just 'hang out' while in the chair. It was in the hall where I could see her and she could see me but she couldn't see the TV (but she could hear it so she knew she was missing her shows) or interact with anyone else. She would act up and she had to sit. I was relentless. I used the timer (1 minute per year of age). If she got up, I'd reset the timer. She learned fairly quick not to get up. In the beginning it took effort. She would get up as soon as I put her down. I'd pick her up and put her back...over and over.

My biggest suggestions...

Fight the battles now while she is still small. It is easier to control a pre-schooler than a 10 or 15 y/o. It's easier on them too. That being said, choose your battles wisely. If it is important then go for it but if it isn't then don't worry about it. Will the world come to end because she wants to (has to) wear her underwear inside out (yes, she did that)? If not, then ignore it. Eventually, they will grow out of some of those behaviors.

Don't start doing anything that you are not willing to do forever. If you do something once they expect you to continue to do it. For example, I let my kids sleep in my bed. I'm okay with that. But some families are not okay with it. They shouldn't allow it even once, if it isn't going to be okay in the future. It confuses kids and it sets you up for more battles.

Read "The New Dare To Discipline" by Dr Dobson. He is a Christian and you know it from his writing but he isn't preachy. He talks about setting boundaries and setting limits on behavior. He does advocate spanking...but only for "willful defiance". So that means that if they spill some milk...you should never spank for an accident. However, if you say 'Don't dump your milk out on the floor' and they look at you and do it anyway...that is a spanking offense. He also defines a spanking and tells what is ok and what is not. Spanking is a personal decision. In our house, it is only used in extreme cases and for certain things (lying, Step 4 at school...). I get a better response by taking away privileges than anything else. Anyway, this book is good even if you don't believe in spanking. His techniques/thoughts on discipline in general are good.

Remember how much you love them and how much you would miss them if they were not in your life. Childhood is short, enjoy it while you can.

  Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you;

Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.

One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.

-- Totally jinxed myself

My DH and I were talking yesterday at lunch about our daughter. I made the comment that life is way better than it used to be and that we haven't really seen the temper tantrums like we used to see (she's 15). I should have known better! She gets home from school and asks if she can have some chips. I tell her no but that she can have a healthy snack. It starts to escalate to the point where she is really mad. She goes in to get a snack from the pantry. Here little brother is trying to be helpful and wants to help her find a snack. She gets a snack out and then hits/slams the drawer and breaks it. I had pull out shelves...not anymore. She tells me about it. I'm fairly calm but irritated. I tell her that since it was broken out of anger, she made the decision to loose her privileges for the rest of the night. This means no electronics of any sort (TV, cell phone, laptop...). Her obsession is watching and reading stories about Teen Titans. She completely freaks out...screaming, crying, stomping her feet...the only thing she didn't do was flop down on the floor. Anyway, the good thing was that we were on the way to the psychologist's office for her appointment. We get into the car and she is still screaming and crying. I calmly tell her that if she is going to continue to scream, I'm going to turn up the radio. I don't turn it up dangerously loud, just loud enough to hear it over the top of her. She is auditory defensive so she hates it but it is a good because it breaks her out of the moment. It sounds cruel but it really isn't. I always tell her that she is entitled to her feelings but that no one else has to suffer because of them. Anyway, she quieted right down. A few minutes later she has calmed down and the negotiations begin. She asks if she can read her stories on the laptop since reading is good. I tell her no and she starts up again. I turn the radio up two little notches and she quiets back down. She asks if she can work on writing her story on the laptop since her brother gets to play with his Leapster when he is grounded (it's educational). I didn't want to say no to that but I also didn't want to back down. I said that I'd think about it. I decided to ask the psychologist what she thought. My daughter hates writing normally but, thanks to her obsession, she is writing a rather long story (Ya!) and I want to encourage that. We get to the Dr office and I go in first and tell the psychologist everything that happened and how I responded. She totally agreed with what I did and how I handled it. She said that she agreed that letting work on her story was a good thing. I love this psychologist. She totally holds our daughter accountable for her actions. She understands the AS diagnosis but she also knows that we can't coddle her. If we do, she will never be ready to face the world as an adult. She spends the rest of the hour with my daughter explaining why she has to be held accountable and they talked about some techniques that she could use to prevent it from happening again. When she came out she looked really glum. I asked if she needed a hug and she grunted (she didn't want to need a hug but she did.). I hugged her and told her I loved her even when she was a brat (jokingly). She relaxed and smiled and the rest of the night was uneventful...well mostly.



Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you;

Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.

One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.

[Guest guest]

Thanks I am familiar with Dr. Dobson. My MIL has given us a lot of that focus on the family stuff. Some of it I agree and some not so much.... If guns kill people then pencils cause misspelled words To: autism-aspergers Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 3:14 PM Subject: Re: Totally jinxed myself

I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when she was four. We knew she was more intense, sensitive, difficult, spirited...you know she was just 'MORE'. I figured that she might be ADHD because I am. She could sit very still and play educational software for half an hour or more without moving so I wasn't sure. At four, we used the Naughty Spot. We had a time-out chair and/or any corner I could find. Nose in the corner worked better than the chair...she would just 'hang out' while in the chair. It was in the hall where I could see her and she could see me but she couldn't see the TV (but she could hear it so she knew she was missing her shows) or interact with anyone else. She would act up and she had to sit. I was relentless. I used the timer (1 minute per year of age). If she got up, I'd reset the timer. She learned fairly quick not to get up. In the beginning it took effort. She would get up as soon as

I put her down. I'd pick her up and put her back...over and over.

My biggest suggestions...

Fight the battles now while she is still small. It is easier to control a pre-schooler than a 10 or 15 y/o. It's easier on them too. That being said, choose your battles wisely. If it is important then go for it but if it isn't then don't worry about it. Will the world come to end because she wants to (has to) wear her underwear inside out (yes, she did that)? If not, then ignore it. Eventually, they will grow out of some of those behaviors.

Don't start doing anything that you are not willing to do forever. If you do something once they expect you to continue to do it. For example, I let my kids sleep in my bed. I'm okay with that. But some families are not okay with it. They shouldn't allow it even once, if it isn't going to be okay in the future. It confuses kids and it sets you up for more battles.

Read "The New Dare To Discipline" by Dr Dobson. He is a Christian and you know it from his writing but he isn't preachy. He talks about setting boundaries and setting limits on behavior. He does advocate spanking...but only for "willful defiance". So that means that if they spill some milk...you should never spank for an accident. However, if you say 'Don't dump your milk out on the floor' and they look at you and do it anyway...that is a spanking offense. He also defines a spanking and tells what is ok and what is not. Spanking is a personal decision. In our house, it is only used in extreme cases and for certain things (lying, Step 4 at school...). I get a better response by taking away privileges than anything else. Anyway, this book is good even if you don't believe in spanking. His techniques/thoughts on discipline in general are good.

Remember how much you love them and how much you would miss them if they were not in your life. Childhood is short, enjoy it while you can.

  Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you;

Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.

One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.

-- Totally jinxed myself

My DH and I were talking yesterday at lunch about our daughter. I made the comment that life is way better than it used to be and that we haven't really seen the temper tantrums like we used to see (she's 15). I should have known better! She gets home from school and asks if she can have some chips. I tell her no but that she can have a healthy snack. It starts to escalate to the point where she is really mad. She goes in to get a snack from the pantry. Here little brother is trying to be helpful and wants to help her find a snack. She gets a snack out and then hits/slams the drawer and breaks it. I had pull out shelves...not anymore. She tells me about it. I'm fairly calm but irritated. I tell her that since it was broken out of anger, she made the decision to loose her privileges for the rest of the night. This means no electronics of any sort (TV, cell phone, laptop...). Her obsession is watching and reading stories about Teen

Titans. She completely freaks out...screaming, crying, stomping her feet...the only thing she didn't do was flop down on the floor. Anyway, the good thing was that we were on the way to the psychologist's office for her appointment. We get into the car and she is still screaming and crying. I calmly tell her that if she is going to continue to scream, I'm going to turn up the radio. I don't turn it up dangerously loud, just loud enough to hear it over the top of her. She is auditory defensive so she hates it but it is a good because it breaks her out of the moment. It sounds cruel but it really isn't. I always tell her that she is entitled to her feelings but that no one else has to suffer because of them. Anyway, she quieted right down. A few minutes later she has calmed down and the negotiations begin. She asks if she can read her stories on the laptop since reading is good. I tell her no and she starts up again. I turn the radio up

two little notches and she quiets back down. She asks if she can work on writing her story on the laptop since her brother gets to play with his Leapster when he is grounded (it's educational). I didn't want to say no to that but I also didn't want to back down. I said that I'd think about it. I decided to ask the psychologist what she thought. My daughter hates writing normally but, thanks to her obsession, she is writing a rather long story (Ya!) and I want to encourage that. We get to the Dr office and I go in first and tell the psychologist everything that happened and how I responded. She totally agreed with what I did and how I handled it. She said that she agreed that letting work on her story was a good thing. I love this psychologist. She totally holds our daughter accountable for her actions. She understands the AS diagnosis but she also knows that we can't coddle her. If we do, she will never be ready to face the world

as an adult. She spends the rest of the hour with my daughter explaining why she has to be held accountable and they talked about some techniques that she could use to prevent it from happening again. When she came out she looked really glum. I asked if she needed a hug and she grunted (she didn't want to need a hug but she did.). I hugged her and told her I loved her even when she was a brat (jokingly). She relaxed and smiled and the rest of the night was uneventful...well mostly.



Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you;

Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.

One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.