Painful GIfts

[Guest guest]

Lately I've been reflecting upon the correlated issues of pain and suffering. I have done much soul searching in order to find a hopeful delicate way to present these particular topics since they often find one feeling very sensitive in the face of them. In fact, knowing what I am about to discuss in this offering you may well find yourself sitting and yelling at the computer screen, "What?!"or "Phwoar! Is the woman mad?" simply because I speak of the possibility of pain or suffering potentially bestowing a "gift" in its wake based upon the title of this commentary. Still I ask for your patience as we move through these subjects and to keep an open mind, please.Having looked around at the world at large (and my much, much smaller corner of it), I know without doubt that pain and suffering are a natural part of the "human condition" whether we like it or not. We, as humans, may struggle all our lives in what I see as a futile attempt to avoid pain and suffering, but invariably this unseemly pair come knocking upon our doors whether the portals are wide opened or sealed tightly shut like Fort Knox. Often the "Terrible Two" show up when we least expect them or when we feel we are most unable to cope with their untimely arrival. There is never a good or convenient time for true pain or suffering to make an appearance in our lives. The gnarly duo can present themselves in many guises – physically,emotionally, mentally, spiritually or an odd and distasteful variation of these forms. They may express themselves as the loss of a loved one creating grief, or as an illness that is life-altering, or as a sudden devastating unforeseen change in a core relationship, or as a loss of job or career, and on and on the possibilities go. So, that said, it is apparent we cannot, no matter how hard we work or how well we believe we sneak around them, can we ever really effectively go under the radar remaining undetected in order to avoid pain and suffering – our own or that of those whom we love? Sadly, no, we cannot. Therefore, time to give the "Terrible Two" their due and explore ways to deal with them and move into the next level of healing and growth, in my humble estimation.Let us also not forget that there are those who believe in universal balance which implies that without pleasure there cannot exist without pain, that there is no light without the dark, there is no high without low, etc… As a result I present these questions for your contemplation:how would you adeptly or readily recognize true pleasure if you had not experienced suffering or pain?; how would you be able to properly define happiness without having experienced true unhappiness?; how could you fully appreciate success if you have never been through an abysmal failure?; how often have you noticed how much you had truly enjoyed someone's company only when they were no longer a part of your life? Many times I have been known to say, "Sometimes the only way I know what I actually like is by determining what I don't like." If absence makes the heart grow fonder and if you have ever experienced a moment of rue over a decision wondering what could have been elsewhere, then I gently suggest you understand the gift of pain and suffering– be that consciously or unconsciously. I have recently begun to give the experiences born of pain and suffering credit as being the most accurate gauges for me to determine the full extent of my deepest joys and best definitions of celebrations of my successes. Having personally been in horrific pain for prolonged periods of time has clearly shown me what a day without pain can offer and how beautiful feeling really good is. I have, in essence, discovered the joy in feeling "healthy". I no longer take "good days" for granted and have learned to make the most of them (however that may be) on any given day. Had I not undergone the suffering I likely would have continued to take these blessed and precious days for granted; it's so very easy to do that. Mindfulness is a measure of never forgetting what gifts sit before us patiently waiting for us to open our eyes and hearts to them thus ushering in the beautiful quality of true gratitude.I now offer for your consideration the possibilities that have previously been presented by many of the historically great thinkers - be they philosophers, psychologists, scientists, theologians or the spiritually awakened masters - what if out of sorrow comes joy, out of pain comes relief and comfort, and out of both culminate the possibility for true growth as human beings? What if these horribly painful experiences we all undergo actually are creating an opportunity for us to fully embrace the lessons life hands us bringing with them the chance to become wiser, softer, more loving, or more empathetic and compassionate? What if these experiences are actually forcing us into making a shift in our lives allowing us to escape from a part of our current existence that is not fulfilling into something that matters more to us but we might not have wanted to make that transition because change is often experienced by us as highly uncomfortable? Have you ever dreaded a change only to find that the new way of your life is more satisfying to you than you'd imagined or previously had?In all of this, I would be remiss not to at least address that the opposite is also possible for some people when faced with great pain or suffering – some can become temporarily bitter, angry, or victimized isolationists. This is not to cast judgment upon others, rather it is intended for us to see and understand more clearly how difficult changes wrought by great pain and suffering can be; how much courage it takes to go beyond pain into joy. Sometimes it takes many repeated lessons before we learn – or so I have discovered within my own life. It is never easy – not for anyone that I personally know of anyway – to accomplish this. It is a healing process that takes place in its own way and in its own time based upon each individual and the way/s each occurrence is uniquely felt as well. I also believe that all of us require support of one kind or another - whether from family, friends or in the form of a support group or therapist to move through these unseemly and painful times - a shoulder to lean upon, a friendly non-judgmental ear, whatever form the help comes in is a beautiful gift.In the end, it is my belief that all this truly comes down to personal choice – whether we see it that way or not in the midst of the "dark nights of our souls". Ultimately it falls within our responsibility and our power to decide how to view our experiences and decide what we wish to takeaway from them. If you have survived grieving the loss of a deeply loved one are you not now able to help another who is grieving? Can you not now see them with more compassion and understanding? Each painful event is felt differently and experienced in variable ways and on a wide array of levels by each of us – that is our blessed uniqueness – but in the end, we are all human. It goes to the old saying, "If you prick us,do we not bleed?" We all bleed. We all laugh. We all cry. We all have choice. What will you do with the gifts of suffering and pain? It is my deepest heartfelt wish that you may discover they bring you the opportunities to grow,gain wisdom and find inner-peace when you have passed successfully through the darkness that invariably accompanies them and make your way back into the light. Remember the saying, "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger". Let us unite in our paths regardless of how we have traversed that path; embracing all in our way and learning from each cherished and unique soul. This is a great and powerful gift we are granted.One brief but important caveat here – please note that I am not suggesting in any way that you seek out or create pain or suffering, only that you attempt to view what I see as an inevitable temporary periodic human condition with potentially new eyes. May you all live in good health, joy and peace…perhaps now viewing our painful gifts a bit differently? Alison Kain 2004 March Edition of Alternative Insights Some quotes I've amassed in relation to Painful Gifts which I felt complimented my point for your review…. · "The difference between shallow happiness and a deep sustaining joy is sorrow.Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can't stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope - and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend upon it) disappoint us." Walter Wangrin, Reliving the Passion· "Ecclesiastes holds that it is better to go to a House of Mourning than a House of Rejoicing,for in a House of Mourning one is able to learn so much more." Pesach Krauss, Why Me?· "Many of us do not realize that pain and joy run together. When we cut ourselves off from pain, we unwittingly cut ourselves off from joy as well." Clyde , Celebrate the Temporary.· "The things we try to avoid and fight against - tribulation, suffering and persecution - are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. Huge waves that would frighten the ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them." Unknown· "Those who dive in the sea of affliction bring up rare pearls." Spurgeon· "I walked a mile with pleasure, she chatted all the way. It left me none the wiser, for all she had to say. I walked a mile with sorrow and ne're a word said she, but oh the things I learned from her, when sorrow walked with me." Unknown· "Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby." Ruth E. Renkel· "Suffering is a short pain and a long joy." Henry Suso· "Strength is born in the deep silence of long suffering hearts; not amid joy."Felicia Hemans· "As soon as a baby enters the world, the baby is immediately introduced to pain. It is somewhat symbolic that life begins with a cry." RC Sproul· "We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world." Helen Keller· "How much more pleasant this world would be if we magnified our blessings the way we magnify our disappointments." Unknown· "Thankfulness is the secret of joy." Unknown· "Nothing lasts—not even pain." Ray Stannard Baker (1870-1946)· "We cannot learn without pain." Aristotle (384-322 BC)· "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Dalai Lama· "Wisdom cometh by suffering." Aeschylus (525-456 BC)· "You can and you must expect suffering." Mother (1910-1998)· "The reward of suffering is experience." Aeschylus (525-456 BC)· "Knowhow sublime a thing it is to suffer and be strong." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow(1807-1882) The Light of Stars· "We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full." Marcel Proust (1871-1922) · "Sometimes,the only way out is through." Frost· "All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else." Buddha· "Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick,and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." Buddha· "Suffering cheerfully endured, ceases to be suffering and is transmuted into an ineffable joy." Ghandi· "Real suffering, bravely borne, melts even a heart of stone. Such is the potency of suffering. And there lies the key to Satyagraha." Ghandi· "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." Helen Keller· "A condition as bitter as poison will be turned into nectar if we can get into rhythm with that condition, if we can understand it, if we will endure that condition with patience, with courage, with hope. When there is a favourable condition we are very often afraid that it may pass, but when there is an adverse condition we do not generally think that it will pass; we think that it will last for ever. This comes from fear, from agitation, from the desire to get out of this condition, and thus we lose even hope, the only source that keeps us alive." Hazrat Inayat Khan (Sufi Leader)· "I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed." Dalai Lama· "If suffering exists, it is not our task to reconcile ourselves to it, but to work for change." Starhawk· "A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears." Michel de Montaigne.· "When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars." A.Beard· "Deep,unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, theinitiation into a new state." Eliot