Am I Codependent...or what????

[Guest guest]

Remember the books written by Melody Beattie that were so popular a

few years back about codependency? I never read them. I brushed them

aside thinking " I don't depend on anyone else to make me happy " . I

understand and have the belief that I am the only one that can make me

happy. I had learned early that depending on someone else for your

happiness was like a very slow suicide. And a very painful one. So,

I didn't read the books...cause I didn't need to.

But the word keeps appearing before me in different places. And this

morning, the word just keeps popping in my mind. I am fighting a war

this morning within myself. Maybe I should look into exactly what

this word " codependency " really means. So I google it. And read

through several sites and a lot of different explanations - none of

which made any connection with me whatsoever. Damn...I was kinda

disappointed. I am so very much looking to identify why I seem to

constantly be at war with myself on particular subjects and

circumstances and about certain people.

Do I love too much? Is there such a thing? Is this what could make

me want to " control " a situation...a person? Or do I love not enough?

Me...do I not love me enough? Do I not trust ME? Why the

insecurity? Why do I always think I'm " not enough " ? Who told me

that? Well...I know who told me. And I have dealt with that...at

least I think I have. So why does it keep rearing its ugly head?

Making more problems for me than I would have ever wished on anyone?

Years and years ago, a doctor diagnosed me as having " borderline

personality disorder " . This doctor was a quack and an alcoholic and I

didn't put much faith in what he said...but I loved him dearly. At

the time I was having migraine headaches from hell and every other

doctor I went to tried to experiment to find out why I was having

them. In the meantime I was dying from the pain and this doctor was

the only one that would help me with the pain. He would make it go

away. And so he held a special place in my heart. But I wouldn't

have trusted him with my life. So when he diagnosed me with

" borderline personality disorder " I quickly dismissed it and went

about my merry way.

But this morning I am searching for answers so I google " borderline

personality disorder " . Again, I am presented with hundreds of

websites and so much information its hard to pick and choose what to

read. But all the ones I read said just about the same thing. And,

once more to my disappointment, this isn't me.

So I'm thinking...what else could it be? And then I think...why do I

need a label or a " reason " for the way I am or the way I feel. Maybe

ITS JUST ME! What else could it be? Maybe I've got " solitary

eclectic eccentric magical mysterious flaky & just plain freaky

personality disorder " . Which means - I'm the only one with this

weird behavior. And maybe THAT is because I'm the only one that's ME.

Ha! Try to find THAT on the internet!

Ok...so its just me in all my glorious weirdness. There still remains

the problem of what to do with me. Or is that really a problem?

Maybe its just the truth (as I see it) that I have settled into. Is

it truth just because I think its truth? If that's true then anything

can become my truth. This line of reasoning is confusing me. I'm

moving on.

Think about it. A word...a look...a sigh...anything...a hiccup even -

can trigger reactions from me that would scare even the most feared

demon right off the face of the earth. Now I am a gentle soul, a

peacemaker, a lover...not exactly someone a demon would be scared off

by! Where does all this anger, and I mean PASSIONATE anger, come

from? Anger may not be the right word. In fact, I'm sure its not.

It's more like torment, agony or anguish. This agony is overwhelming

at times. And then just as quickly as it came upon me, it is gone.

Poof! Vanished. And I am left standing here with the remains and

ashes raining down on me like stardust.

Am I making sense to anyone? Is there ANYONE else that knows what I'm

talking about? Am I really the ONLY one with " solitary eclectic

eccentric magical mysterious flaky & just plain freaky personality

disorder " ? I'll bet the spinach dip that I just made (and love by the

way) that I'm not. Or you may suffer from the same thing, only milder

maybe?? God help you if its worse than what I experience!

I'm making light of the situation. Trying to find a little healing in

humor. But my heart is heavy...

Truth be told, I'm way too hard on myself. Lighten up, everyone says.

Stop being so anal, they say. I try too hard to be everything...and

wind up being less than I was to start with. Because every time I let

my heart be torn like this and every time I rage like a fire breathing

dragon...I lose a little bit of me in the process. Sometimes though,

I come out burnt to a crisp but with a new understanding of him or her

or them or it. So maybe what I've lost is not such a bad thing.

Maybe I'm being purified by fire. Maybe that's why I smell like smoke

all the time - its not from smoking of from being around people that

smoke - its from being BURNT ALIVE!!

And its a very weird but glorious fact and everyone should know this,

that the cure for such disorders as I have...is spinach. So I think

I'll go throw myself into a good dose of spinach dip and chips. I

feel better just thinking about it. And please, if you suffer from

this disorder (or any form or variant of it), let me know. Maybe we

could start a support group or something.

I love you all,

http://www.myspace.com/rarebreeze

http://www.myspace.com/asundayinjune

http://www.myspace.com/dnjazz

http://www.intentionalone.com

http://intentionalone.com/yabb/YaBB.pl

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

" Breathe deep, walk slow, hold tight to those you love, for the sun is

setting and it will be over so fast. "

-- Ken Pierpont

[Guest guest]

my dear,

You know you have described me.. you have a soul sister in this

plight! We're in trouble because I was relying on love to calm the

tornado that is my mind at times. Love had better cure this then

again if I've gotten through 44 years of this I guess I can do

another 44. Thank you hun for being so open and transparent I'm gonna

tear all up again...this must just be the day.

You are an exceptional writer and I think you should write a book or

the two of you should write a book and defintately before D dies for

pity sakes and you leave on some, What did he say? Carribean trip

with the proceeds? Did you know that it's my dream to write and

illustrate a childrens book?

My doctor dx me with borderline as well, major depression and post

trauma disorder. After I heard the word borderline I rebuked that

label..God forbid if they were going to give me another label esp

that one. I've seen a few therapists and my current one doesn't

believe I have that but rather PTSD instead. As he said, you know we

are all a little nuts, there isn't one single human on this planet

that couldn't get a label, they just don't show up in therapists

offices lol.

I was also told by another therapist that normal is a non existant

word there is no such thing. Me's think what you suffer from is a

terrible case of intelligence. It's a gift and a curse. If you are an

Empath which I am sure you are then you feel everyone's else's

emotions on top of yours and infact you might NOT know the difference

between your own and theirs. Then there is the left over trauma from

abuse that must go through healing but I'm not a pro at this.

Where does all this pain come from? Our own inner voices? That

internal critical parent. I was told if I could get past her I might

just get somewhere. I analyze everything to death and so when I found

the book, " Leave Yourself Alone " , that taught me alot. It helped me

work my out of sever panic attacks. I wish I could find that book

again.

As for this word co-dependacy I've gone through researching this too

and of course have that label too. Now if we can't ever find our soul

mates or move forward in love if we have this then tell me how you

found ? I think things happen because they are meant to happen

and our weaknesses or imagined failures are no barrier to what God

wants done in our lives. God isn't bound by our ineptness and neither

is love. shhhhhhhhh, I'm trying here hehe.

Isn't it odd how we can see so much beauty in someone else and yet

not in ourselves? If we are the creator of our existance, our own

happiness and we don't get it fast enough or grow fast enough or just

plain don't get it all well look whose to blame, right?

I am going to believe in faith like I am sure you have already that

when we replace those thoughts we get up and move forward again. Hell

who said we don't deserve a few down days now and then. Were not

robots.

I just so relate to you and you know what I think you went above my

head a teeny bit too gulp...lol. Your wrote;

Now I am a gentle soul, a

> peacemaker, a lover...not exactly someone a demon would be scared

off

> by!

Are you kidding demons if there are any are scared to death of love!

But I know exactly what you meant hehe.

Just please know that I share in your feelings in many ways I don't

want to admit. Thank you so much again for posting this. I don't

always have the write words but I am sending a big ray of love and if

you look down you might notice that all of your spinach dip is gone!

hahaha....yum yum!

" solitary

> eclectic eccentric magical mysterious flaky & just plain freaky

> personality disorder " ROFLMAO...YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND CREATIVE

AND I'LL JOIN YOUR CLUB ANY DAY.

Your burnt to a crisp friend, Dove....(my loving alter ego lol)

[Guest guest]

My dearest ,

How perfect of a description!- A " solitary eclectic

eccentric magickal mysterious flaky and just plain freaky personality

disorder. " I would say you hit the nail on the head. I really was

disliking that word co-dependent soooooooo much, it sounds like

weakness more than just some dis-ease of our spirit/selves. You are

so amazing, and I did smile and you made me chuckle, but in a very

good way. Why can't we laugh at the parts of us that need " work " to

help us feel better? Hey, it's just a part of us, as you said and I

TOTALLY agree. I had a similar experience. I was told I was bi-

polar when I was actually just going thru a tough divorce. It is

very easy to go to the text books for some Drs and say AHA! I think

you have it, dear ! We are all a bit of each one of those

part of this disorder at one point in our lives tho, right, hun?

*Warm smile and arms huggin you tight*. I think you are fantastic and

I love the way you have expressed your inner self. Much of what you

described resonates with me as I see with also! Love and

blessings and just BE YOU SISTA!! PS. I am TOTALLY serious in

this post, I did jest a bit, but you truly are very right on!!

-- In , " " <ASundayInJune@...>

wrote:

>

> Remember the books written by Melody Beattie that were so popular a

> few years back about codependency? I never read them. I brushed

them

> aside thinking " I don't depend on anyone else to make me happy " . I

> understand and have the belief that I am the only one that can make

me

> happy. I had learned early that depending on someone else for your

> happiness was like a very slow suicide. And a very painful one.

So,

> I didn't read the books...cause I didn't need to.

>

> But the word keeps appearing before me in different places. And

this

> morning, the word just keeps popping in my mind. I am fighting a

war

> this morning within myself. Maybe I should look into exactly what

> this word " codependency " really means. So I google it. And read

> through several sites and a lot of different explanations - none of

> which made any connection with me whatsoever. Damn...I was kinda

> disappointed. I am so very much looking to identify why I seem to

> constantly be at war with myself on particular subjects and

> circumstances and about certain people.

>

> Do I love too much? Is there such a thing? Is this what could make

> me want to " control " a situation...a person? Or do I love not

enough?

> Me...do I not love me enough? Do I not trust ME? Why the

> insecurity? Why do I always think I'm " not enough " ? Who told me

> that? Well...I know who told me. And I have dealt with that...at

> least I think I have. So why does it keep rearing its ugly head?

> Making more problems for me than I would have ever wished on anyone?

>

> Years and years ago, a doctor diagnosed me as having " borderline

> personality disorder " . This doctor was a quack and an alcoholic

and I

> didn't put much faith in what he said...but I loved him dearly. At

> the time I was having migraine headaches from hell and every other

> doctor I went to tried to experiment to find out why I was having

> them. In the meantime I was dying from the pain and this doctor was

> the only one that would help me with the pain. He would make it go

> away. And so he held a special place in my heart. But I wouldn't

> have trusted him with my life. So when he diagnosed me with

> " borderline personality disorder " I quickly dismissed it and went

> about my merry way.

>

> But this morning I am searching for answers so I google " borderline

> personality disorder " . Again, I am presented with hundreds of

> websites and so much information its hard to pick and choose what to

> read. But all the ones I read said just about the same thing. And,

> once more to my disappointment, this isn't me.

>

> So I'm thinking...what else could it be? And then I think...why do

I

> need a label or a " reason " for the way I am or the way I feel.

Maybe

> ITS JUST ME! What else could it be? Maybe I've got " solitary

> eclectic eccentric magical mysterious flaky & just plain freaky

> personality disorder " . Which means - I'm the only one with this

> weird behavior. And maybe THAT is because I'm the only one that's

ME.

> Ha! Try to find THAT on the internet!

>

> Ok...so its just me in all my glorious weirdness. There still

remains

> the problem of what to do with me. Or is that really a problem?

> Maybe its just the truth (as I see it) that I have settled into. Is

> it truth just because I think its truth? If that's true then

anything

> can become my truth. This line of reasoning is confusing me. I'm

> moving on.

>

> Think about it. A word...a look...a sigh...anything...a hiccup

even -

> can trigger reactions from me that would scare even the most feared

> demon right off the face of the earth. Now I am a gentle soul, a

> peacemaker, a lover...not exactly someone a demon would be scared

off

> by! Where does all this anger, and I mean PASSIONATE anger, come

> from? Anger may not be the right word. In fact, I'm sure its not.

> It's more like torment, agony or anguish. This agony is

overwhelming

> at times. And then just as quickly as it came upon me, it is gone.

> Poof! Vanished. And I am left standing here with the remains and

> ashes raining down on me like stardust.

>

> Am I making sense to anyone? Is there ANYONE else that knows what

I'm

> talking about? Am I really the ONLY one with " solitary eclectic

> eccentric magical mysterious flaky & just plain freaky personality

> disorder " ? I'll bet the spinach dip that I just made (and love by

the

> way) that I'm not. Or you may suffer from the same thing, only

milder

> maybe?? God help you if its worse than what I experience!

>

> I'm making light of the situation. Trying to find a little healing

in

> humor. But my heart is heavy...

>

> Truth be told, I'm way too hard on myself. Lighten up, everyone

says.

> Stop being so anal, they say. I try too hard to be

everything...and

> wind up being less than I was to start with. Because every time I

let

> my heart be torn like this and every time I rage like a fire

breathing

> dragon...I lose a little bit of me in the process. Sometimes

though,

> I come out burnt to a crisp but with a new understanding of him or

her

> or them or it. So maybe what I've lost is not such a bad thing.

> Maybe I'm being purified by fire. Maybe that's why I smell like

smoke

> all the time - its not from smoking of from being around people that

> smoke - its from being BURNT ALIVE!!

>

> And its a very weird but glorious fact and everyone should know

this,

> that the cure for such disorders as I have...is spinach. So I think

> I'll go throw myself into a good dose of spinach dip and chips. I

> feel better just thinking about it. And please, if you suffer from

> this disorder (or any form or variant of it), let me know. Maybe we

> could start a support group or something.

>

> I love you all,

>

>

> http://www.myspace.com/rarebreeze

> http://www.myspace.com/asundayinjune

> http://www.myspace.com/dnjazz

> http://www.intentionalone.com

> http://intentionalone.com/yabb/YaBB.pl

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

> " Breathe deep, walk slow, hold tight to those you love, for the sun

is

> setting and it will be over so fast. "

> -- Ken Pierpont

>