Re: Dearest Family - Low Tide

[Guest guest]

SUSANSTOP!!!!!I am sitting here...this post in front of me, another from you in M/S box, and yet two more forwarded to me in the box. What you have choose to remain private, will remain so, as you need for it to. Although, absolutely nothing, none of it, is something to feel ashamed of or guilty for. What you reveal here, in this group, will be answered here. The answers are coming...You are not alone, here, or there...nor has anyone fallen asleep or left. I sit here now with, with tears filling my eyes to the point I can't see to type. I need to sleep, for my mind is so full. Yet, I am being drawn to meditation...and it is for you that I must go there now.Don't make me come over there and flip the back of your ear with a good pop. Relax, the day is already looking up...you'll see, watch for it...but relaxI'll come back to this as soon as I can....With LoveD~>> With every ounce of guilt and shame in me I am pushing it aside to> write this...or maybe it's pride. I don't want to be the baby here,> the one that knows the skills and still doesn't apply them. If> applying them was simple I'd be a mystic by now with the knowledge I> do have already. I read and read and understand and take it in and> here I am again...in low tide with moments of thunderous rolling seas.> It's as if all of this is too much to take in and I know I read> someone telling Sheila to take it one day at a time. I've always been> the one that wants to swim a marathon before I've ever trained to do> so and this is no exception. I am so angry so damn angry at myself,> why do I keep myself at this level, why can't I stop the negative> emotions, the sadness, the depression, the grief, the loneliness, the> physical pain. I am so tired of these pills, so tired of muscle pain> and joint pain and not being able to wear clothes or sit at a table or> even keep a normal job. I've been at peace for a week and the first> day that things start to calm down in my home I have an anxiety attack. > Tomorrow is my husbands first day off work since this big move and my> first day and I find myself not being able to breathe right tonight, a> feeling of something not feeling right, I feel sick, I don't belong> here. I sat long enough to think of what was bothering me. It's the> doctor visits tomorrow, the marriage therapy session tomorrow and this> awful feeling I can't rid my heart of....I feel lonely, lonely for> love. I don't get hugs, kisses, no touch whatsoever it's as if I live> with a room mate and I am not married at all. It hurts, it hurts to> know how many years this has been happening. Not only do I need this> but I need it from someone that I can feel it from, NOT HIM. Now and> then we hug or kiss but I don't think either of us feel a thing. I> could kiss my computer and get more out of it. I'm angry....I know you> all are offering me tons of advice and real things to do like lists> and things but this is way beyond such things at least it feels that> way this moment. I want to cry forever and the tears don't come they> start and fade away. I want love from my spouce but not from him and> it only makes me feel worse that I don't want it from him, he hurts me> too much. I feel like a zombie numb and going through life half awake.> I fear aging so badly and keep forgetting this is one of my major> fears. I can't sleep sometimes for fear I'll waste another hour and> see another wrinkle. I am not sure there is an after life and i have> this constant fear of getting older, getting sicker, seeing my mother> pass away...I can't bear the thought of one more ounce of physical> pain. I can't do it anymore...I'm exhausted...the pain never ends it> enver dies down, it messes with my mind and tears and swells the> tissue in my body. Immune suppressants and lidocaine patches, pills> and more pills and it's for life they say. My bone mass is> disappearing in my jaw joints and both hips bursa joints are inflamed> down both legs, I can't afford the shots to make it stop...I don't> want to tell anymore.> > I see time slipping away, nothing happening, me making more> mistakes...I just simply can't write anymore...im out of words...there> is just too much pain...I don't want to be in this life or in this> body anymore it causes me too much pain if its not my brain it's> muscles spasming relentlessly. I cherish life, I cherish people,> nature you name it and I love life but my brain and my body are dying> each day a slow death....I feel it and I can't gain the strength to> make it stop therefore I want to stop it so I don't have to see it,> feel it or watch it happen or have my own children watch it happen. I> can't make believe ...this is real, I can't fake away physical pain, I> can't fake away a loveless marriage, I can't fake away a mind and> heart that ceases to angst all with self effort. I can't muster a> shower or a treadmill walk that I pay 100 bucks for a month and never> use, how on earth can I keep speaking and thinking positive? > > I'm gonna say it again, I'm sorry....I feel like such a burden and I> want to slap myself out of reality and into this dream state you all> speak of but I've been trying to do it far longer than you know. I> have the tools so why can't I make it work.....I don't have love in my> life and I'm sick to death of blaming myself for it. There really is> such a thing as being surrounded by loveless people and I don't have> the strength to leave because I know I am just like them and will only> draw more of the same. I can't run from me and that is why I think of> silencing my brain forever...I need to stop now. I had such a> wonderful dream the other day why this yoyo I don't get it...I can't> handle it. I just looked at my clock and its been way way too long> since I took my pain meds...I drop in mood like that I forgot. Well I> will send this anyway because its more of an example of the pain that> lingers behind the codeine. Yes I am scared to death of pain and you> would too if you had endured it for 15 years 24/7 before someone> finally listened. It took a very near suicide to get doctors to> finally reach out and offer some pain relief. I wait 15 years to> finally make a point hahahaha. It's so hard to get through the highs> and lows of pain ebbing away and them coming back in. I'm suppose to> be on methodone so I don't have the pain come back in but I refuse to> go on that stuff so I am stuck keeping a diary and remembering to take> meds every 5 hours. I'm whining...lol...okay I took my pill and should> be better in an hour enough that I won't be thinking of my inner pain> so much. I must look like a gal that doesn't have the slightest clue> what love really is. That may be true on some levels but I sure was a> good mother and I've been a loving daughter, they might make> statements now and then contrary but I know better because these are> the two things in my life that I gave my all and then more than that. > > I'm so lonely for affection excuse my honesty. Can anyone tell me> please where all this negativity comes from? Is it from self? Words> spoken by parents or others in my life? A combo of them all, Demons,> Satan, please don't tell me it's my own brain because if it is...I'm> stuck back at 30 something years of getting no where again and I don't> know how to begin to believe it will change after that length of> time.I could go into silly things about how Anne deserved to> whine or half a million other people but that would only crucify me> more. I know you all are trying and your love got through this week at> least I felt it did..did you all fall asleep or something lmao....just> kidding lol....>

[Guest guest]

,

I know in your words I don't need forgiveness but please accept my apologies for making you cry or any other sad, draining emotion I might have created. Now I am crying and in order for me to be real this is what happens. You have almost seen the worst of me and yet not quite the best. This is the war that wages inside. I am wise and strong and spirit filled one minute and the next I am that scared little girl grabbing for arms to pick her up. It's god awful to deal with this turning of the guard so many times a day, fighting to get to the strong side and not return to the child. I am stopping here and on my way to a therapy session, can you believe it? haha lol.....maybe I need to journal again and burn off this stuff to myself. I don't have my printer hooked yet but when I do I will be printing like a mad woman so I can read better...my time is limited sitting here. I pray you have gotten some good rest despite me...and the only problem with you bending my ear is....I might like it, only counter pain for me.....lol...I'm really laughing lol.

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

As I am reading your post, dear, I am feeling for you so much

love that it brings tears to my eyes, as it does 's. The tears

are for how sad I feel for such a wonderful person as yourself

feeling such emotions that we all have, dear. I have shared with you

that I live with fibromyalgia. I cannot compare my pain to yours, we

are all in different stages, feel uniquely different. I can relate

to you when you say it is scary to go to counseling and you felt such

anxiety. It is scary to sit and talk about the very emotions that

seem to spin around in our heads, seeming to eat us up inside. I

myself go to a counselor and yes, the day before for me also is so

scary and then I get there and it isn't quite as bad. I know, easier

said than done sometimes, .

One thing, my sweet friend, is that it is so TRUE, here in this

family, WE, and myself included love unconditionally. You are

special and important. You are definitely not alone, please know

this. I don't wish to speak for others, but I will say this in

general terms, I know we have all had some really tragic experiences

in our lives that can get us very down. I lived with (notice I write

lived with, not suffer from, hun) I point that out because it took me

years to learn that I was NOT my dis-ease. I am not fibromyalgia, as

you are not those physical ailments you feel. You are sincerely a

bright star with so much courage to post the very core of your heart

of hearts feelings. As I am writing this, I ask no pity, dear but I

have these nasty chronic migraines and boy is this one a doozy! It

is the sort that makes my eyeball feel like it is going to pop out of

my head, lol...I do not say this to make fun of you, or myself, I say

this so that I don't give my pain power. I also do not like having

to take meds to feel " normal " and without pain. Oh, dear , I

just wish so much for you to see that you are such a good person. I

want you to know that I have been touched by your messages here and

they have helped me through rough times also.

Negativity is a funny creature, and yes, I say creature for I

feel it is a part of life but doesn't have to stay there. We learn

from this creature called negativity. All experiences are for our

learning, the ones that are fun are great, but if we had no negative

ones to compare the happy ones to, we would not know true bliss,

dear. Again, easier said than done. I know, you are thinking, ok,

well, what might be the best to do about this negativity then? In my

humble opinion, dear, it is a hard road but negativity needs to be

met straight on. I feel you are doing it by opening your heart to

going to marriage counseling. The part where you said you felt like

roommates, I said to myself, that was me!! It really was, I lived a

sad life, felt such sadness and got " stuck " , had pain, etc...I still

do have sad times in my life but remind myself of the good things as

soon as I have a sad/nagative thought, I have turned to support like

this group or have learned in counseling that when you are " stuck in

it " , the negativity, nothing in your world seems ok. But as the

saying goes there really IS a light at the end of the tunnel, dear.

It takes the dedication I KNOW you possess to heal. I wanted to

share some of how my life is similar to yours and some things I have

done. I feel your courage to go to marriage counseling is something

amazing! You want this to work out with your spouse at some level..

In the counseling you will find your voice again, your power, your

sadness will start to dissipate for you will learn where that icky

feeling in the pit of your stomach and heart is coming from. I care

so much for you and how you feel, mere words can never express, for I

have been in a similar situation, my dear. Please, please hang in

there, give your heart a chance to feel again. I read such beauty in

your message also! We did not fall asleep on you, dear, we are

always, always here for you. That is especially me included!! I

also see the kindness of the others here, especially the very kind-

hearted , he is a very amazing soul. He has such sage advice,

makes you laugh and is just a joy to KNOW. I hope you can feel some

solace knowing you have this family to come to whenever you need to!

Please, know I am thinking of you always and you are so very special,

! Big Hugs from one sister to another!! Peace and light,

LUNA

--- In , " dovetouched " <hisalone@...>

wrote:

>

> With every ounce of guilt and shame in me I am pushing it aside to

> write this...or maybe it's pride. I don't want to be the baby here,

> the one that knows the skills and still doesn't apply them. If

> applying them was simple I'd be a mystic by now with the knowledge I

> do have already. I read and read and understand and take it in and

> here I am again...in low tide with moments of thunderous rolling

seas.

> It's as if all of this is too much to take in and I know I read

> someone telling Sheila to take it one day at a time. I've always

been

> the one that wants to swim a marathon before I've ever trained to do

> so and this is no exception. I am so angry so damn angry at myself,

> why do I keep myself at this level, why can't I stop the negative

> emotions, the sadness, the depression, the grief, the loneliness,

the

> physical pain. I am so tired of these pills, so tired of muscle pain

> and joint pain and not being able to wear clothes or sit at a table

or

> even keep a normal job. I've been at peace for a week and the first

> day that things start to calm down in my home I have an anxiety

attack.

> Tomorrow is my husbands first day off work since this big move and

my

> first day and I find myself not being able to breathe right

tonight, a

> feeling of something not feeling right, I feel sick, I don't belong

> here. I sat long enough to think of what was bothering me. It's the

> doctor visits tomorrow, the marriage therapy session tomorrow and

this

> awful feeling I can't rid my heart of....I feel lonely, lonely for

> love. I don't get hugs, kisses, no touch whatsoever it's as if I

live

> with a room mate and I am not married at all. It hurts, it hurts to

> know how many years this has been happening. Not only do I need this

> but I need it from someone that I can feel it from, NOT HIM. Now and

> then we hug or kiss but I don't think either of us feel a thing. I

> could kiss my computer and get more out of it. I'm angry....I know

you

> all are offering me tons of advice and real things to do like lists

> and things but this is way beyond such things at least it feels that

> way this moment. I want to cry forever and the tears don't come they

> start and fade away. I want love from my spouce but not from him and

> it only makes me feel worse that I don't want it from him, he hurts

me

> too much. I feel like a zombie numb and going through life half

awake.

> I fear aging so badly and keep forgetting this is one of my major

> fears. I can't sleep sometimes for fear I'll waste another hour and

> see another wrinkle. I am not sure there is an after life and i have

> this constant fear of getting older, getting sicker, seeing my

mother

> pass away...I can't bear the thought of one more ounce of physical

> pain. I can't do it anymore...I'm exhausted...the pain never ends it

> enver dies down, it messes with my mind and tears and swells the

> tissue in my body. Immune suppressants and lidocaine patches, pills

> and more pills and it's for life they say. My bone mass is

> disappearing in my jaw joints and both hips bursa joints are

inflamed

> down both legs, I can't afford the shots to make it stop...I don't

> want to tell anymore.

>

> I see time slipping away, nothing happening, me making more

> mistakes...I just simply can't write anymore...im out of

words...there

> is just too much pain...I don't want to be in this life or in this

> body anymore it causes me too much pain if its not my brain it's

> muscles spasming relentlessly. I cherish life, I cherish people,

> nature you name it and I love life but my brain and my body are

dying

> each day a slow death....I feel it and I can't gain the strength to

> make it stop therefore I want to stop it so I don't have to see it,

> feel it or watch it happen or have my own children watch it happen.

I

> can't make believe ...this is real, I can't fake away physical

pain, I

> can't fake away a loveless marriage, I can't fake away a mind and

> heart that ceases to angst all with self effort. I can't muster a

> shower or a treadmill walk that I pay 100 bucks for a month and

never

> use, how on earth can I keep speaking and thinking positive?

>

> I'm gonna say it again, I'm sorry....I feel like such a burden and I

> want to slap myself out of reality and into this dream state you all

> speak of but I've been trying to do it far longer than you know. I

> have the tools so why can't I make it work.....I don't have love in

my

> life and I'm sick to death of blaming myself for it. There really is

> such a thing as being surrounded by loveless people and I don't have

> the strength to leave because I know I am just like them and will

only

> draw more of the same. I can't run from me and that is why I think

of

> silencing my brain forever...I need to stop now. I had such a

> wonderful dream the other day why this yoyo I don't get it...I can't

> handle it. I just looked at my clock and its been way way too long

> since I took my pain meds...I drop in mood like that I forgot. Well

I

> will send this anyway because its more of an example of the pain

that

> lingers behind the codeine. Yes I am scared to death of pain and you

> would too if you had endured it for 15 years 24/7 before someone

> finally listened. It took a very near suicide to get doctors to

> finally reach out and offer some pain relief. I wait 15 years to

> finally make a point hahahaha. It's so hard to get through the highs

> and lows of pain ebbing away and them coming back in. I'm suppose to

> be on methodone so I don't have the pain come back in but I refuse

to

> go on that stuff so I am stuck keeping a diary and remembering to

take

> meds every 5 hours. I'm whining...lol...okay I took my pill and

should

> be better in an hour enough that I won't be thinking of my inner

pain

> so much. I must look like a gal that doesn't have the slightest clue

> what love really is. That may be true on some levels but I sure was

a

> good mother and I've been a loving daughter, they might make

> statements now and then contrary but I know better because these are

> the two things in my life that I gave my all and then more than

that.

>

> I'm so lonely for affection excuse my honesty. Can anyone tell me

> please where all this negativity comes from? Is it from self? Words

> spoken by parents or others in my life? A combo of them all, Demons,

> Satan, please don't tell me it's my own brain because if it is...I'm

> stuck back at 30 something years of getting no where again and I

don't

> know how to begin to believe it will change after that length of

> time.I could go into silly things about how Anne deserved to

> whine or half a million other people but that would only crucify me

> more. I know you all are trying and your love got through this week

at

> least I felt it did..did you all fall asleep or something

lmao....just

> kidding lol....

>

[Guest guest]

Luna

What a beautiful name to own. Thank you for your heart felt reply.

Fibro is pure evil sometimes but I pray I can get to that point where

I see it as a blessing as wrong as that sounds to my mind. If I can

just learn to stop fighting the pain (and I am fighting it a thousand

times more than I ever did child birth) I know that some healing will

begin to flow. This isn't just an issue of immense emotional pain but

intense physical pain. Pain that wears every cell so thin it can no

longer hold air or water. Then we fibromites sit and wonder why we are

so over extended and then have the gall to blame ourselves. I laugh at

that later when I look back at it. It's like a bus running over me in

my own home and then blaming myself for it. I don't think I realize

how badly my medications affect my moods but that might not change. I

can pray that it will that is all I can do. I know before I started on

pain meds I was so clear minded.

My heart really goes out to you for your strength because I know the

truth behind words that are not being said. It's a fine dance between

not giving dis-ease a stronghold and yet needing and wanting that

comfort because frankly we deserve it. Where is the line between

needing to talk about it and not creating more of it? Are we to

completely ignore the pain and not give it a voice and if we do are we

then not listening to what our own bodies are trying to tell us in

order to heal? I think the fact that I deny it so much and ignore the

proper things my body needs has made me far worse so in my instance

talking about it might help. I blame myself for not having the

strength to consistantly do more for me health wise that would make me

better. I know I am not alone at all in this in many ways beyond fibro.

I guess I meant lonely for physical companionship not lonely at all

for friendship because of you all I don't have that anymore. When I

said something like (are you all sleeping) I was laughing when I said

it...its so hard to tell the tone of words long distance but I really

do laugh alot.

I just pray soon very soon, I will feel this love you all speak of. At

times everyones words of love don't ring in my heart they way they

should. As if I can't feel it and that bothers me. I get it but it

doesn't connect yet and as and others said that is due to my

lack of self love. I used to sit and think and how horrible it is for

those suffering through life without any belief in a higher power.

Christ is the only God that has gotten me through and I wouldn't be

here with without him. Now I think, how awful for a person to have

Christ and yet not even be able to accept the depth of love he has or

that others have for them..that is me. In my lifetime I've spent time

worrying about everyone else, healing everyone else, what they needed

mattered more than I and in the past few years I decided that was not

the truth but I closed off on both ends not giving or receiving. This

has to be the most awful place for a human to live. I can experience

love when the Holy Spirit moves and I can when my empathic gifts are

working but I have a feeling when this breaks loose there is far more

love in here than I ever dreamt could exist and I'm tired of being

afraid of it. Your kindness, your own sharing and everyone's sharing

is truly helping me. I talk about all of you throughout the day. This

indeed is a rare blessing and I know that. I guess if every new person

that came into this family felt they deserved it then there wouldn't

be a mission to help and teach.

Blessings and all the love I can muster ;-),

> >

> > With every ounce of guilt and shame in me I am pushing it aside to

> > write this...or maybe it's pride. I don't want to be the baby here,

> > the one that knows the skills and still doesn't apply them. If

> > applying them was simple I'd be a mystic by now with the knowledge I

> > do have already. I read and read and understand and take it in and

> > here I am again...in low tide with moments of thunderous rolling

> seas.

> > It's as if all of this is too much to take in and I know I read

> > someone telling Sheila to take it one day at a time. I've always

> been

> > the one that wants to swim a marathon before I've ever trained to do

> > so and this is no exception. I am so angry so damn angry at myself,

> > why do I keep myself at this level, why can't I stop the negative

> > emotions, the sadness, the depression, the grief, the loneliness,

> the

> > physical pain. I am so tired of these pills, so tired of muscle pain

> > and joint pain and not being able to wear clothes or sit at a table

> or

> > even keep a normal job. I've been at peace for a week and the first

> > day that things start to calm down in my home I have an anxiety

> attack.

> > Tomorrow is my husbands first day off work since this big move and

> my

> > first day and I find myself not being able to breathe right

> tonight, a

> > feeling of something not feeling right, I feel sick, I don't belong

> > here. I sat long enough to think of what was bothering me. It's the

> > doctor visits tomorrow, the marriage therapy session tomorrow and

> this

> > awful feeling I can't rid my heart of....I feel lonely, lonely for

> > love. I don't get hugs, kisses, no touch whatsoever it's as if I

> live

> > with a room mate and I am not married at all. It hurts, it hurts to

> > know how many years this has been happening. Not only do I need this

> > but I need it from someone that I can feel it from, NOT HIM. Now and

> > then we hug or kiss but I don't think either of us feel a thing. I

> > could kiss my computer and get more out of it. I'm angry....I know

> you

> > all are offering me tons of advice and real things to do like lists

> > and things but this is way beyond such things at least it feels that

> > way this moment. I want to cry forever and the tears don't come they

> > start and fade away. I want love from my spouce but not from him and

> > it only makes me feel worse that I don't want it from him, he hurts

> me

> > too much. I feel like a zombie numb and going through life half

> awake.

> > I fear aging so badly and keep forgetting this is one of my major

> > fears. I can't sleep sometimes for fear I'll waste another hour and

> > see another wrinkle. I am not sure there is an after life and i have

> > this constant fear of getting older, getting sicker, seeing my

> mother

> > pass away...I can't bear the thought of one more ounce of physical

> > pain. I can't do it anymore...I'm exhausted...the pain never ends it

> > enver dies down, it messes with my mind and tears and swells the

> > tissue in my body. Immune suppressants and lidocaine patches, pills

> > and more pills and it's for life they say. My bone mass is

> > disappearing in my jaw joints and both hips bursa joints are

> inflamed

> > down both legs, I can't afford the shots to make it stop...I don't

> > want to tell anymore.

> >

> > I see time slipping away, nothing happening, me making more

> > mistakes...I just simply can't write anymore...im out of

> words...there

> > is just too much pain...I don't want to be in this life or in this

> > body anymore it causes me too much pain if its not my brain it's

> > muscles spasming relentlessly. I cherish life, I cherish people,

> > nature you name it and I love life but my brain and my body are

> dying

> > each day a slow death....I feel it and I can't gain the strength to

> > make it stop therefore I want to stop it so I don't have to see it,

> > feel it or watch it happen or have my own children watch it happen.

> I

> > can't make believe ...this is real, I can't fake away physical

> pain, I

> > can't fake away a loveless marriage, I can't fake away a mind and

> > heart that ceases to angst all with self effort. I can't muster a

> > shower or a treadmill walk that I pay 100 bucks for a month and

> never

> > use, how on earth can I keep speaking and thinking positive?

> >

> > I'm gonna say it again, I'm sorry....I feel like such a burden and I

> > want to slap myself out of reality and into this dream state you all

> > speak of but I've been trying to do it far longer than you know. I

> > have the tools so why can't I make it work.....I don't have love in

> my

> > life and I'm sick to death of blaming myself for it. There really is

> > such a thing as being surrounded by loveless people and I don't have

> > the strength to leave because I know I am just like them and will

> only

> > draw more of the same. I can't run from me and that is why I think

> of

> > silencing my brain forever...I need to stop now. I had such a

> > wonderful dream the other day why this yoyo I don't get it...I can't

> > handle it. I just looked at my clock and its been way way too long

> > since I took my pain meds...I drop in mood like that I forgot. Well

> I

> > will send this anyway because its more of an example of the pain

> that

> > lingers behind the codeine. Yes I am scared to death of pain and you

> > would too if you had endured it for 15 years 24/7 before someone

> > finally listened. It took a very near suicide to get doctors to

> > finally reach out and offer some pain relief. I wait 15 years to

> > finally make a point hahahaha. It's so hard to get through the highs

> > and lows of pain ebbing away and them coming back in. I'm suppose to

> > be on methodone so I don't have the pain come back in but I refuse

> to

> > go on that stuff so I am stuck keeping a diary and remembering to

> take

> > meds every 5 hours. I'm whining...lol...okay I took my pill and

> should

> > be better in an hour enough that I won't be thinking of my inner

> pain

> > so much. I must look like a gal that doesn't have the slightest clue

> > what love really is. That may be true on some levels but I sure was

> a

> > good mother and I've been a loving daughter, they might make

> > statements now and then contrary but I know better because these are

> > the two things in my life that I gave my all and then more than

> that.

> >

> > I'm so lonely for affection excuse my honesty. Can anyone tell me

> > please where all this negativity comes from? Is it from self? Words

> > spoken by parents or others in my life? A combo of them all, Demons,

> > Satan, please don't tell me it's my own brain because if it is...I'm

> > stuck back at 30 something years of getting no where again and I

> don't

> > know how to begin to believe it will change after that length of

> > time.I could go into silly things about how Anne deserved to

> > whine or half a million other people but that would only crucify me

> > more. I know you all are trying and your love got through this week

> at

> > least I felt it did..did you all fall asleep or something

> lmao....just

> > kidding lol....

> >

>