<To Dove/> Dearest Family - Low Tide

[Guest guest]

Dearest ,

i know jus how you feel :-

{" I can't run from me and that is why I think of silencing my brain forever..."}

coz that is exactly how i feel also...you are not alone.

A Research statement said that everyday, we are assailed with about 50,000 random thoughts or more per day.

Re the Codeine <that was one of the ingredients in my cough mixture> that you are taking, i cannot stand the side effects,...it made me very "blur-blur"...half awake and half asleep,very grouchy and very drowsy that i will have no appetite at all...maybe it has some other other effects on you as well.

Maybe you should seek another doctor, for a second opinion on your pain/illness? <Just a thought, since you are in such a great pain & have so many medications to take?>

Hugs & Compassion to you, Dove,

Alice

----- Original Message -----

From: dovetouched

Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2007 5:39 PM

Subject: [] Dearest Family - Low Tide

With every ounce of guilt and shame in me I am pushing it aside towrite this...or maybe it's pride. I don't want to be the baby here,the one that knows the skills and still doesn't apply them. Ifapplying them was simple I'd be a mystic by now with the knowledge Ido have already. I read and read and understand and take it in andhere I am again...in low tide with moments of thunderous rolling seas.It's as if all of this is too much to take in and I know I readsomeone telling Sheila to take it one day at a time. I've always beenthe one that wants to swim a marathon before I've ever trained to doso and this is no exception. I am so angry so damn angry at myself,why do I keep myself at this level, why can't I stop the negativeemotions, the sadness, the depression, the grief, the loneliness, thephysical pain. I am so tired of these pills, so tired of muscle painand joint pain and not being able to wear clothes or sit at a table oreven keep a normal job. I've been at peace for a week and the firstday that things start to calm down in my home I have an anxiety attack. Tomorrow is my husbands first day off work since this big move and myfirst day and I find myself not being able to breathe right tonight, afeeling of something not feeling right, I feel sick, I don't belonghere. I sat long enough to think of what was bothering me. It's thedoctor visits tomorrow, the marriage therapy session tomorrow and thisawful feeling I can't rid my heart of....I feel lonely, lonely forlove. I don't get hugs, kisses, no touch whatsoever it's as if I livewith a room mate and I am not married at all. It hurts, it hurts toknow how many years this has been happening. Not only do I need thisbut I need it from someone that I can feel it from, NOT HIM. Now andthen we hug or kiss but I don't think either of us feel a thing. Icould kiss my computer and get more out of it. I'm angry....I know youall are offering me tons of advice and real things to do like listsand things but this is way beyond such things at least it feels thatway this moment. I want to cry forever and the tears don't come theystart and fade away. I want love from my spouce but not from him andit only makes me feel worse that I don't want it from him, he hurts metoo much. I feel like a zombie numb and going through life half awake.I fear aging so badly and keep forgetting this is one of my majorfears. I can't sleep sometimes for fear I'll waste another hour andsee another wrinkle. I am not sure there is an after life and i havethis constant fear of getting older, getting sicker, seeing my motherpass away...I can't bear the thought of one more ounce of physicalpain. I can't do it anymore...I'm exhausted...the pain never ends itenver dies down, it messes with my mind and tears and swells thetissue in my body. Immune suppressants and lidocaine patches, pillsand more pills and it's for life they say. My bone mass isdisappearing in my jaw joints and both hips bursa joints are inflameddown both legs, I can't afford the shots to make it stop...I don'twant to tell anymore.I see time slipping away, nothing happening, me making moremistakes...I just simply can't write anymore...im out of words...thereis just too much pain...I don't want to be in this life or in thisbody anymore it causes me too much pain if its not my brain it'smuscles spasming relentlessly. I cherish life, I cherish people,nature you name it and I love life but my brain and my body are dyingeach day a slow death....I feel it and I can't gain the strength tomake it stop therefore I want to stop it so I don't have to see it,feel it or watch it happen or have my own children watch it happen. Ican't make believe ...this is real, I can't fake away physical pain, Ican't fake away a loveless marriage, I can't fake away a mind andheart that ceases to angst all with self effort. I can't muster ashower or a treadmill walk that I pay 100 bucks for a month and neveruse, how on earth can I keep speaking and thinking positive? I'm gonna say it again, I'm sorry....I feel like such a burden and Iwant to slap myself out of reality and into this dream state you allspeak of but I've been trying to do it far longer than you know. Ihave the tools so why can't I make it work.....I don't have love in mylife and I'm sick to death of blaming myself for it. There really issuch a thing as being surrounded by loveless people and I don't havethe strength to leave because I know I am just like them and will onlydraw more of the same. I can't run from me and that is why I think ofsilencing my brain forever...I need to stop now. I had such awonderful dream the other day why this yoyo I don't get it...I can'thandle it. I just looked at my clock and its been way way too longsince I took my pain meds...I drop in mood like that I forgot. Well Iwill send this anyway because its more of an example of the pain thatlingers behind the codeine. Yes I am scared to death of pain and youwould too if you had endured it for 15 years 24/7 before someonefinally listened. It took a very near suicide to get doctors tofinally reach out and offer some pain relief. I wait 15 years tofinally make a point hahahaha. It's so hard to get through the highsand lows of pain ebbing away and them coming back in. I'm suppose tobe on methodone so I don't have the pain come back in but I refuse togo on that stuff so I am stuck keeping a diary and remembering to takemeds every 5 hours. I'm whining...lol...okay I took my pill and shouldbe better in an hour enough that I won't be thinking of my inner painso much. I must look like a gal that doesn't have the slightest cluewhat love really is. That may be true on some levels but I sure was agood mother and I've been a loving daughter, they might makestatements now and then contrary but I know better because these arethe two things in my life that I gave my all and then more than that. I'm so lonely for affection excuse my honesty. Can anyone tell meplease where all this negativity comes from? Is it from self? Wordsspoken by parents or others in my life? A combo of them all, Demons,Satan, please don't tell me it's my own brain because if it is...I'mstuck back at 30 something years of getting no where again and I don'tknow how to begin to believe it will change after that length oftime.I could go into silly things about how Anne deserved towhine or half a million other people but that would only crucify memore. I know you all are trying and your love got through this week atleast I felt it did..did you all fall asleep or something lmao....justkidding lol....

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