Re: A Friendly Reminder From My Mother

[Guest guest]

Hi Violet,

That would have rattled me too. It sure sounds like your Nada has to 'own'

everything and everyone, even your Dad's death; her control of observation of

the anniversaries. My own nada took control of my dad's cancer...dictating who

could see him, when. She raged at me for 'not paying attention' to her

during a treatment; I was then forbidden to go unless I was 'respectful' of

her...ignored him. My children were not even allowed to help their grandfather,

lawn

cutting ect.

Take good care, Carol

In a message dated 3/25/04 3:39:03 PM Eastern Standard Time,

Tslothrop@... writes:

You could tell a lot of ppl that story and they might say that maybe

your nada didn't mean anything, etc. but a fellow KO realizes that

nadas jab at us all the time and we know it because of how it makes

us feel. My father passed away almost three years ago and while we

weren't really close (nobody was allowed to get close) I still miss

him and feel a connection to him. He was easy to talk to and very

easy going. I hope you have a peaceful day today remembering your

dad. Take care,

> The Reader's Digest Version:

>

> Nine years ago yesterday, my father, who I loved very much, died

> after a three year battle with cancer. Today, my nutty BP mother,

> with whom it is a *never-ending struggle* to get along (because she

> acts like a five-year-old most of the time) phoned me, and during

> the course of the conversation asked me if I remembered that today

> was the anniversary of my father's death?????

>

> Now, I'm a grown woman, forty-eight years old, with no memory

> problems (unlike my mother). I was absolutely stunned that she

would

> be so stupid. I said nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. " Hello, Hello, are

> you there? " When I spoke, I asked her, " Why *ever* would you think

> that I *wouldn't* remember? " Then she was on the defensive. She

> began back-pedaling and rambled, " well, I lit a candle for him, and

> I thought it would be nice if a couple of us (I have siblings) did

> something to remember him... I didn't call Kathy, but I tried to

> call Sharon... " Right, that's what my sibs and I need, a reminder

> from our mother that today's the day that dad died. In case we're

> too thoughtless to remember it ourselves... She hung up about ten

> seconds later with this meek little " Okay, well I'll talk to you

> again sometime... " (And I'm sure as I sit here that she went

> into 'victim mode' the minute she put the phone on the cradle. " My

> kids are so mean to me... "

>

> I think of my dad all the time. And I know that my mother, playing

> dumb as she does, is well-aware of it. So what was her point? I

have

> no idea what motivated her to say this, but it really rattled my

> cage.

[Guest guest]

You could tell a lot of ppl that story and they might say that maybe

your nada didn't mean anything, etc. but a fellow KO realizes that

nadas jab at us all the time and we know it because of how it makes

us feel. My father passed away almost three years ago and while we

weren't really close (nobody was allowed to get close) I still miss

him and feel a connection to him. He was easy to talk to and very

easy going. I hope you have a peaceful day today remembering your

dad. Take care,

> The Reader's Digest Version:

>

> Nine years ago yesterday, my father, who I loved very much, died

> after a three year battle with cancer. Today, my nutty BP mother,

> with whom it is a *never-ending struggle* to get along (because she

> acts like a five-year-old most of the time) phoned me, and during

> the course of the conversation asked me if I remembered that today

> was the anniversary of my father's death?????

>

> Now, I'm a grown woman, forty-eight years old, with no memory

> problems (unlike my mother). I was absolutely stunned that she

would

> be so stupid. I said nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. " Hello, Hello, are

> you there? " When I spoke, I asked her, " Why *ever* would you think

> that I *wouldn't* remember? " Then she was on the defensive. She

> began back-pedaling and rambled, " well, I lit a candle for him, and

> I thought it would be nice if a couple of us (I have siblings) did

> something to remember him... I didn't call Kathy, but I tried to

> call Sharon... " Right, that's what my sibs and I need, a reminder

> from our mother that today's the day that dad died. In case we're

> too thoughtless to remember it ourselves... She hung up about ten

> seconds later with this meek little " Okay, well I'll talk to you

> again sometime... " (And I'm sure as I sit here that she went

> into 'victim mode' the minute she put the phone on the cradle. " My

> kids are so mean to me... "

>

> I think of my dad all the time. And I know that my mother, playing

> dumb as she does, is well-aware of it. So what was her point? I

have

> no idea what motivated her to say this, but it really rattled my

> cage.

[Guest guest]

Violet,

I would assume that she wanted to get a reaction out of you & that is just what

she got. Only it was not quite the reaction she wanted.

My mother does crap like that. She called me to tell my that my step-father (not

step-adopted dad) was dead. Then a year later, she called to inform me that he

had been dead a year. I started trying to talk about nice memories of him. She

told me about how bad he suffered when he was dying. She then informed me that

she was still in mourning over him. He was the only man she had ever loved.

Well, why did she say while she was married to him that step-adopted dad was the

only man she ever loved? She had also told me that 3rd husband was also the only

man she had ever loved. She is not married, nor a widow. She used to love to get

a rise out of me by calling step-adopted dad my father until I blew up & told

her that he wasn't my d--n father & I had no intention of claiming him. She then

proceeded to tell me that I should be ashamed because he loved me. I told her

not to tell me that B.S. ever again. I told her my dad was dead " who ever he

was " & I wasn't accepting a sorry substitute. Then she started cutting him down

& I was so furious that I had to leave. If I had stayed, I would have ended up

in jail. You know your mother better than I do, but if she is like my mother

that was her reason. To hurt and dig at your heart. I wish we had normal mothers

then we would know for sure exactly when they made innocent remarks & when they

meant to be hateful. We have learned to assume the worst of them. My Granny

grieved for my granddaddy sometimes. But thinking back on it, it was closer to

the time he died. Oh she did mention being buried beside him, but that was

because her plot was already bought & paid for. I can only remember her breaking

down and really crying was within the first 5 years. But other than that she

could mention him & remain calm. She didn't constantly try to remind us of him.

If we talked about our memories of him & they were pleasant she would listen. If

we asked her for her memories of him doing certain things she would tell us. If

we asked her a question pertaining to a knowledge. She didn't say " Well if your

granddaddy were alive he would know. " If she didn't know she was honest enough

to tell you. If she knew she would tell you the answer. I actually think she

enjoyed the freedom from him. She outlived him by 30 years. She remained

independent and spunky to the end. I guess there is a world of difference

between granny and her daughter (my mother)

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))

Debbie

A Friendly Reminder From My Mother

The Reader's Digest Version:

Nine years ago yesterday, my father, who I loved very much, died

after a three year battle with cancer. Today, my nutty BP mother,

with whom it is a *never-ending struggle* to get along (because she

acts like a five-year-old most of the time) phoned me, and during

the course of the conversation asked me if I remembered that today

was the anniversary of my father's death?????

Now, I'm a grown woman, forty-eight years old, with no memory

problems (unlike my mother). I was absolutely stunned that she would

be so stupid. I said nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. " Hello, Hello, are

you there? " When I spoke, I asked her, " Why *ever* would you think

that I *wouldn't* remember? " Then she was on the defensive. She

began back-pedaling and rambled, " well, I lit a candle for him, and

I thought it would be nice if a couple of us (I have siblings) did

something to remember him... I didn't call Kathy, but I tried to

call Sharon... " Right, that's what my sibs and I need, a reminder

from our mother that today's the day that dad died. In case we're

too thoughtless to remember it ourselves... She hung up about ten

seconds later with this meek little " Okay, well I'll talk to you

again sometime... " (And I'm sure as I sit here that she went

into 'victim mode' the minute she put the phone on the cradle. " My

kids are so mean to me... "

I think of my dad all the time. And I know that my mother, playing

dumb as she does, is well-aware of it. So what was her point? I have

no idea what motivated her to say this, but it really rattled my

cage.

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

I should have made it clearer that she was cutting down my bio-dad instead of

step-adopted dad. I didn't care if she cut down step-adopted dad unless my

siblings were there. He was their dad and she shouldn't do that in front of

them. As it is both Her and step-adopted dad have turned all 6 of us against

them both.

Debbie

A Friendly Reminder From My Mother

The Reader's Digest Version:

Nine years ago yesterday, my father, who I loved very much, died

after a three year battle with cancer. Today, my nutty BP mother,

with whom it is a *never-ending struggle* to get along (because she

acts like a five-year-old most of the time) phoned me, and during

the course of the conversation asked me if I remembered that today

was the anniversary of my father's death?????

Now, I'm a grown woman, forty-eight years old, with no memory

problems (unlike my mother). I was absolutely stunned that she would

be so stupid. I said nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. " Hello, Hello, are

you there? " When I spoke, I asked her, " Why *ever* would you think

that I *wouldn't* remember? " Then she was on the defensive. She

began back-pedaling and rambled, " well, I lit a candle for him, and

I thought it would be nice if a couple of us (I have siblings) did

something to remember him... I didn't call Kathy, but I tried to

call Sharon... " Right, that's what my sibs and I need, a reminder

from our mother that today's the day that dad died. In case we're

too thoughtless to remember it ourselves... She hung up about ten

seconds later with this meek little " Okay, well I'll talk to you

again sometime... " (And I'm sure as I sit here that she went

into 'victim mode' the minute she put the phone on the cradle. " My

kids are so mean to me... "

I think of my dad all the time. And I know that my mother, playing

dumb as she does, is well-aware of it. So what was her point? I have

no idea what motivated her to say this, but it really rattled my

cage.

Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

" Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

First, thank you all for your comments and support. I came and

vented where I knew that there would be people who understood what I

was saying. You did not let me down.

If I were feeling generous and empathetic, I would say, Yes, it

could be that my mother was feeling vulnerable, because her typical

mindset is that of a frightened child. I recognize this about her,

and most of the time I try to react as one would with a child. That

seems to be an effective method for me to avoid confrontations with

her.

The cranky and suspicious person in me thinks that her inquiry was

less a case of trying to connect, and more a case of putting the

focus on her, the grieving widow (not!!---she was threatening to

leave my dad when he was hospitalized on his frigging death-bed)

lighting the memorial candle for her husband. But the way she said,

meekly and defensively, " I just thought it would be nice if a couple

of us remembered him... " just cranked me royally. Like I was going

to forget my father, the only one of my parents that I ever felt

loved me??? I don't need my mother, who was jealous of my

relationship with my father until the day he died and

remains so to this day, suggesting that I might do something to

remember him. I'd more likely peg it that she was hoping I'd

forgotten so that she could get some satisfaction out of being able

to let me know that I'd overlooked it.

I think I sound like the bitter person I'm feeling at this moment.

In attempting to respond to this post, I've stopped and started, cut

and pasted, probably deleted enough to fill three pages of rant.

I'll just leave it at " I'm emotionally *way* stirred up, and really

fed up with dealing with my mother. " I don't feel like being

understanding about her altered mental state any longer. I'm tired

of dealing with the child trapped inside the body of this seventy-

four year old woman.

--Mad Violet

[Guest guest]

Is it possible that nada was feeling particularly vunerable - her

fears of abandonment being intensified by remembering your father's

death? Could she have been trying to get over the abandonment

feelings by connecting with you and your sisters. I think, as a BP,

she has no real ideal of what is going on, she is just operating on

feelings...I don't feel good, I must do something about this. Who

better for her to try to get involved with.

If it were my nada, I'd say she did it to get the focus back on

her....see how wonderful I am remembering this and getting my

daughters to do something.

I think a more 'normal' mom would call and say....I'm feeling sad

today, remembering your father....and of course I thought of you and

your sisters and was wondering how you are doing.

They (nadas) are infuriating and frustrating - and that is on their

good days!

I am sorry that your nada had to make that day even more upsetting

for you.

Sylvia

> The Reader's Digest Version:

>

> Nine years ago yesterday, my father, who I loved very much, died

> after a three year battle with cancer. Today, my nutty BP mother,

> with whom it is a *never-ending struggle* to get along (because she

> acts like a five-year-old most of the time) phoned me, and during

> the course of the conversation asked me if I remembered that today

> was the anniversary of my father's death?????

>

> Now, I'm a grown woman, forty-eight years old, with no memory

> problems (unlike my mother). I was absolutely stunned that she

would

> be so stupid. I said nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. " Hello, Hello, are

> you there? " When I spoke, I asked her, " Why *ever* would you think

> that I *wouldn't* remember? " Then she was on the defensive. She

> began back-pedaling and rambled, " well, I lit a candle for him, and

> I thought it would be nice if a couple of us (I have siblings) did

> something to remember him... I didn't call Kathy, but I tried to

> call Sharon... " Right, that's what my sibs and I need, a reminder

> from our mother that today's the day that dad died. In case we're

> too thoughtless to remember it ourselves... She hung up about ten

> seconds later with this meek little " Okay, well I'll talk to you

> again sometime... " (And I'm sure as I sit here that she went

> into 'victim mode' the minute she put the phone on the cradle. " My

> kids are so mean to me... "

>

> I think of my dad all the time. And I know that my mother, playing

> dumb as she does, is well-aware of it. So what was her point? I

have

> no idea what motivated her to say this, but it really rattled my

> cage.

[Guest guest]

[my mother...was jealous of my relationship with my father until the day he

died]

How ominously true this sounds to me Violet. Yes, you are justified in being

'mad'. Carol

First, thank you all for your comments and support. I came and

vented where I knew that there would be people who understood what I

was saying. You did not let me down.

If I were feeling generous and empathetic, I would say, Yes, it

could be that my mother was feeling vulnerable, because her typical

mindset is that of a frightened child. I recognize this about her,

and most of the time I try to react as one would with a child. That

seems to be an effective method for me to avoid confrontations with

her.

The cranky and suspicious person in me thinks that her inquiry was

less a case of trying to connect, and more a case of putting the

focus on her, the grieving widow (not!!---she was threatening to

leave my dad when he was hospitalized on his frigging death-bed)

lighting the memorial candle for her husband. But the way she said,

meekly and defensively, " I just thought it would be nice if a couple

of us remembered him... " just cranked me royally. Like I was going

to forget my father, the only one of my parents that I ever felt

loved me??? I don't need my mother, who was jealous of my

relationship with my father until the day he died and

remains so to this day, suggesting that I might do something to

remember him. I'd more likely peg it that she was hoping I'd

forgotten so that she could get some satisfaction out of being able

to let me know that I'd overlooked it.

I think I sound like the bitter person I'm feeling at this moment.

In attempting to respond to this post, I've stopped and started, cut

and pasted, probably deleted enough to fill three pages of rant.

I'll just leave it at " I'm emotionally *way* stirred up, and really

fed up with dealing with my mother. " I don't feel like being

understanding about her altered mental state any longer. I'm tired

of dealing with the child trapped inside the body of this seventy-

four year old woman.

--Mad Violet

[Guest guest]

Iagree w/what wrote. no one on the outside seems to think it

strange, but kos do know whatchya mean

> > The Reader's Digest Version:

> >

> > Nine years ago yesterday, my father, who I loved very much, died

> > after a three year battle with cancer. Today, my nutty BP

mother,

> > with whom it is a *never-ending struggle* to get along (because

she

> > acts like a five-year-old most of the time) phoned me, and

during

> > the course of the conversation asked me if I remembered that

today

> > was the anniversary of my father's death?????

> >

> > Now, I'm a grown woman, forty-eight years old, with no memory

> > problems (unlike my mother). I was absolutely stunned that she

> would

> > be so stupid. I said nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. " Hello, Hello,

are

> > you there? " When I spoke, I asked her, " Why *ever* would you

think

> > that I *wouldn't* remember? " Then she was on the defensive. She

> > began back-pedaling and rambled, " well, I lit a candle for him,

and

> > I thought it would be nice if a couple of us (I have siblings)

did

> > something to remember him... I didn't call Kathy, but I tried to

> > call Sharon... " Right, that's what my sibs and I need, a

reminder

> > from our mother that today's the day that dad died. In case

we're

> > too thoughtless to remember it ourselves... She hung up about

ten

> > seconds later with this meek little " Okay, well I'll talk to you

> > again sometime... " (And I'm sure as I sit here that she went

> > into 'victim mode' the minute she put the phone on the

cradle. " My

> > kids are so mean to me... "

> >

> > I think of my dad all the time. And I know that my mother,

playing

> > dumb as she does, is well-aware of it. So what was her point? I

> have

> > no idea what motivated her to say this, but it really rattled my

> > cage.

[Guest guest]

First, thank you all for your comments and support. I came and

vented where I knew that there would be people who understood what I

was saying. You did not let me down.

If I were feeling generous and empathetic, I would say, Yes, it

could be that my mother was feeling vulnerable, because her typical

mindset is that of a frightened child. I recognize this about her,

and most of the time I try to react as one would with a child. That

seems to be an effective method for me to avoid confrontations with

her.

The cranky and suspicious person in me thinks that her inquiry was

less a case of trying to connect, and more a case of putting the

focus on her, the grieving widow (not!!---she was threatening to

leave my dad when he was hospitalized on his frigging death-bed)

lighting the memorial candle for her husband. But the way she said,

meekly and defensively, " I just thought it would be nice if a couple

of us remembered him... " just cranked me royally. Like I was going

to forget my father, the only one of my parents that I ever felt

loved me??? I don't need my mother, who was jealous of my

relationship with my father until the day he died and

remains so to this day, suggesting that I might do something to

remember him. I'd more likely peg it that she was hoping I'd

forgotten so that she could get some satisfaction out of being able

to let me know that I'd overlooked it.

I think I sound like the bitter person I'm feeling at this moment.

In attempting to respond to this post, I've stopped and started, cut

and pasted, probably deleted enough to fill three pages of rant.

I'll just leave it at " I'm emotionally *way* stirred up, and really

fed up with dealing with my mother. " I don't feel like being

understanding about her altered mental state any longer. I'm tired

of dealing with the child trapped inside the body of this seventy-

four year old woman.

--Mad Violet

[Guest guest]

[sHE can be the only one of us " girls " (sisters, her, and I) with a " good "

relationship with a man.]

OOO, what a bundle of memories this evokes...my nada was/is fixated on being

a 'jealous sister' even with my sister and me. She is the jealous sister in

her FOO...

Just one: My sister and her husband bought a farm...coincidentally a few

months after my husband and I bought a farm (neither of us are farmers :-), just

like to cut grass I guess). Nada said over one of the 'Sunday ritual dinners'

at nada's that we all USED to go over for, 'you two have always been jealous

of one another, what one has the other has to have bigger'. That was soooooo

NOT TRUE. But, my sister and I both shrank back to age 3, neither said a word.

Carol

In a message dated 3/26/04 8:14:59 PM Eastern Standard Time,

free_spirit_etc@... writes:

This part really leaped out at me too. I know my mother has been

jealous of my relationship with my father. The sad thing is that my

father and I have had a " diluted " relationship - something that is

more acceptable to my mother.

I wonder - now that I think of it - if I have focused on having the

kind of relationship with other men that wouldn't make my mother

jealous - watered down, diluted versions...

and then SHE can be the only one of us " girls " (sisters, her, and I)

with a " good " relationship with a man.

Free

-- In ModOasis , getevenpersevere@a... wrote:

> vio;et wrote: [my mother...was jealous of my relationship with my

father until the day he

> died]

> How ominously true this sounds to me Violet. Yes, you are

justified in being

> 'mad'. Carol

[Guest guest]

The night my Gramma died I was the one staying with her in the hospital. I

held my gramma's hand as she passed, talked to her, thanked her for saving my

life, for always making me feel loved/loveable. I held her hand in mine for

the longest time as her spirit, the bodily warmth of this world, slipped into

the next. I sat in the chair beside her after she had passed, just feeling the

peace and love a lifetime spent in kindness and justice, holding her hand.

When 'the FOO' arrived they were 'shocked', carried on like I was

deranged...there I was sitting in the same room with 'a dead person'...actually

touching

her. That 'I', of all people, was the last to speak with Gramma really, I

mean REALLY pissed nada & fada off. [You would have to know that nada

'escorted'

the cousins by the elbow, during the daytime, in to 'visit with gramma for

the last time']

My Gramma knew about justice. Carol

I never really thought about this control thing before - but when my

dad was in the hospital with the heart attack - my mother really

tried to control EVERYTHING - who got to know what..who got to see

him when..etc...

And I never could understand with my grandma. My mother would

complain about having to do everything for her - and how no one would

help - yet when I would offer to do things - she would turn down the

offer.

OMG! She even had me stay with my grandma at night in the nursing

home on the nights she thought she might die.. Now..THAT is okay..

but then when I would stay other nights (nights my mother didn't

think she would die) she would tell me not to - there was no

need..like you ONLY stay if someone is going to die that night.

Sometimes I stayed anyway - but sometimes I wanted to - but didn't

because my mother told me not to....

But something strange is that she was always kind of like a martyr

taking care of grandma - but when grandma got completely bad - and my

mother had pretty complete control - she seemed to drop all of her

resentment - and was nice to grandma all the time - and very loving.

She really only says good things about her now - and talks about her

good memories.

The same with her sister. She had tons of anger and resentment with

her sister. Then - when her sister was dying - she just put it all

aside and seemed to make peace with the whole thing.

Odd - that that is one thing I hope for with my father - is that when

he finally gets too weak to defend himself (as if he would) - and she

has complete control over his decisions - that she might be very kind

to him. For his sake - I hope she is.

Free

> Hi Violet,

>

> That would have rattled me too. It sure sounds like your Nada has

to 'own'

> everything and everyone, even your Dad's death; her control of

observation of

> the anniversaries. My own nada took control of my dad's

cancer...dictating who

> could see him, when. She raged at me for 'not paying attention' to

her

> during a treatment; I was then forbidden to go unless I

was 'respectful' of

> her...ignored him. My children were not even allowed to help their

grandfather, lawn

> cutting ect.

>

> Take good care, Carol

[Guest guest]

This part really leaped out at me too. I know my mother has been

jealous of my relationship with my father. The sad thing is that my

father and I have had a " diluted " relationship - something that is

more acceptable to my mother.

I wonder - now that I think of it - if I have focused on having the

kind of relationship with other men that wouldn't make my mother

jealous - watered down, diluted versions...

and then SHE can be the only one of us " girls " (sisters, her, and I)

with a " good " relationship with a man.

Free

-- In ModOasis , getevenpersevere@a... wrote:

> vio;et wrote: [my mother...was jealous of my relationship with my

father until the day he

> died]

> How ominously true this sounds to me Violet. Yes, you are

justified in being

> 'mad'. Carol

>

[Guest guest]

I think you are so onto something here Free. I think it is

especially true when nadas are saving face and pretending to have a

good relationship w/a man that they really despise us female kos for

having a healthy relationship. I saw that this past weekend w/my

nada- so jealous of my marriage, me staying home w/my baby, our new

house that is finishing up, my happiness, etc. She can't get her

current npd live-in boyfriend to commit to marrying her and I know

that has something to do w/why she was such a witch. But don't care-

dh said she's never allowed in our house again and he's one of the

nicest guys you'll ever meet (accept when he gets mad about twice a

year- lol)

Kerrie [my mother...was jealous of my relationship with

my

> father until the day he

> > died]

> > How ominously true this sounds to me Violet. Yes, you are

> justified in being

> > 'mad'. Carol

> >

[Guest guest]

I never really thought about this control thing before - but when my

dad was in the hospital with the heart attack - my mother really

tried to control EVERYTHING - who got to know what..who got to see

him when..etc...

And I never could understand with my grandma. My mother would

complain about having to do everything for her - and how no one would

help - yet when I would offer to do things - she would turn down the

offer.

OMG! She even had me stay with my grandma at night in the nursing

home on the nights she thought she might die.. Now..THAT is okay..

but then when I would stay other nights (nights my mother didn't

think she would die) she would tell me not to - there was no

need..like you ONLY stay if someone is going to die that night.

Sometimes I stayed anyway - but sometimes I wanted to - but didn't

because my mother told me not to....

But something strange is that she was always kind of like a martyr

taking care of grandma - but when grandma got completely bad - and my

mother had pretty complete control - she seemed to drop all of her

resentment - and was nice to grandma all the time - and very loving.

She really only says good things about her now - and talks about her

good memories.

The same with her sister. She had tons of anger and resentment with

her sister. Then - when her sister was dying - she just put it all

aside and seemed to make peace with the whole thing.

Odd - that that is one thing I hope for with my father - is that when

he finally gets too weak to defend himself (as if he would) - and she

has complete control over his decisions - that she might be very kind

to him. For his sake - I hope she is.

Free

> > The Reader's Digest Version:

> >

> > Nine years ago yesterday, my father, who I loved very much, died

> > after a three year battle with cancer. Today, my nutty BP mother,

> > with whom it is a *never-ending struggle* to get along (because

she

> > acts like a five-year-old most of the time) phoned me, and during

> > the course of the conversation asked me if I remembered that

today

> > was the anniversary of my father's death?????

> >

> > Now, I'm a grown woman, forty-eight years old, with no memory

> > problems (unlike my mother). I was absolutely stunned that she

> would

> > be so stupid. I said nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. " Hello, Hello,

are

> > you there? " When I spoke, I asked her, " Why *ever* would you

think

> > that I *wouldn't* remember? " Then she was on the defensive. She

> > began back-pedaling and rambled, " well, I lit a candle for him,

and

> > I thought it would be nice if a couple of us (I have siblings)

did

> > something to remember him... I didn't call Kathy, but I tried to

> > call Sharon... " Right, that's what my sibs and I need, a reminder

> > from our mother that today's the day that dad died. In case we're

> > too thoughtless to remember it ourselves... She hung up about ten

> > seconds later with this meek little " Okay, well I'll talk to you

> > again sometime... " (And I'm sure as I sit here that she went

> > into 'victim mode' the minute she put the phone on the

cradle. " My

> > kids are so mean to me... "

> >

> > I think of my dad all the time. And I know that my mother,

playing

> > dumb as she does, is well-aware of it. So what was her point? I

> have

> > no idea what motivated her to say this, but it really rattled my

> > cage.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Iam glad you were able to be with your grandmother, and also that the

foo were not! These people are crazy, crazy, crazy!

Sylvia

> > Hi Violet,

> >

> > That would have rattled me too. It sure sounds like your Nada

has

> to 'own'

> > everything and everyone, even your Dad's death; her control of

> observation of

> > the anniversaries. My own nada took control of my dad's

> cancer...dictating who

> > could see him, when. She raged at me for 'not paying attention'

to

> her

> > during a treatment; I was then forbidden to go unless I

> was 'respectful' of

> > her...ignored him. My children were not even allowed to help

their

> grandfather, lawn

> > cutting ect.

> >

> > Take good care, Carol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That is something we learned pretty early - to not say a word...

Free

But, my sister and I both shrank back to age 3, neither said a word.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/27/04 11:27:58 PM Eastern Standard Time,

lonewolfe30@... writes:

I thought my nada was jealous of our new house

I KNOW my nada was jealous...hence her projecting it through/to my sister and

me. Nada is pretentious; did things like she owned our home...had a

'driveway' sign made for us that had our last name and 'Estate' on

it...gagggggggggg.

I let her hang it (this was 25 years ago - pre no contact), but after she had

left I tossed it wayyyyy into the woods. Told her someone apparently stole

it...because it was sooo beautiful. another gaggggggggggg...but sometimes

lying to a nada justifies the end. Carol

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia, My nada's taste is 'gawwwwwdy'...pretentious; hoards anything

shiny. I've had NO trouble turning down her stuff...not that she ever gave me

anything valuable. (my blonde sister got/gets the jewelry & cast off furniture)

Another interesting twist; nada has 'returned' every gift I've ever given her

in the last ten years-I take it all to Goodwill. Everything from cloths to a

fern stand...must Christmas/birthday gifts from years ago.

This started after I 'took' back my diamond she'd had for 20 years. To make

a long story brief: 30 years ago during my divorce I needed money to pay my

elec. bill (first husband left me penniless with months past due bills/he had

been 'stashing' money for months for his getaway)...anyway, nada gave me the

money but wanted my diamond as collateral ... stupid/I let her hold it. When I

asked for it back/returning the money/she showed me the pendant she had had

made for herself WITH MY DIAMOND. I let it go for a while...got it back once

when I got mad over something...and let her wear it again when I got to feeling

guilty enough over her crying...FOG. When my son by my first marriage was

getting married ten years ago/his father gave me the diamond/I wanted the

diamond

to give to him...he didn't want his wife to wear it, but used it as down

payment for her ring. Nada RAGED...AND RAGED...but returned it to me in the

end...hence her giving back all my gifts...like the diamond was a gift. Now,

that

is all or nothing thinking. Carol

In a message dated 3/28/04 12:02:36 AM Eastern Standard Time,

smhtrain2@... writes:

Wow - this thread is giving me a new perspective on my nada. Nada was

always either trying to give my sister and me something of hers, or

buying us something for our homes. Most of it didn't fit in with what

we already had, and all of it didn't make sense. But thinking that

she thought our homes were an extension of hers does make sense.

OMG! She was particularly jealous of my sister and her husband. He

was NPD, and spent great amounts of money for appearances. Nada had

a 'run for her money' trying to keep up with them! Finally, when she

just couldn't compete any more, she reverted to splitting him bad for

spending so much money.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/28/04 12:06:51 AM Eastern Standard Time,

free_spirit_etc@... writes:

-She didn't try to hang one of those velvet paintings of Elvis - did

she?

Free

ALMOST as gawdawful...velvet painting of matadors from 'South Of The

Border'...

[Guest guest]

Funny you should mention that as I thought my nada was jealous of

our new house being perhaps a few 100sqft more than her house she

built last year. My husband is the one who fell in love w/the floor

plan as I was never big on a two story, but I couldn't help but

think that played a major part in why she acted so jealous. Last

year she bought an SUV right after I did and it had to be a couple

grand more than mine to prove she could (which is stupid- I still

like mine better as its better on gas and the environment and I just

liked the car). But I suppose that is so the queen type mentality.

I'm sure if she could she'd be trying to have a child too since I

just had one- lol. Man, its really sick being so jealous and envious

of people you're suppose to love. I don't get it at all.

K

[my mother...was jealous of my relationship with

my

> father until the day he

> > died]

> > How ominously true this sounds to me Violet. Yes, you are

> justified in being

> > 'mad'. Carol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow - this thread is giving me a new perspective on my nada. Nada was

always either trying to give my sister and me something of hers, or

buying us something for our homes. Most of it didn't fit in with what

we already had, and all of it didn't make sense. But thinking that

she thought our homes were an extension of hers does make sense.

OMG! She was particularly jealous of my sister and her husband. He

was NPD, and spent great amounts of money for appearances. Nada had

a 'run for her money' trying to keep up with them! Finally, when she

just couldn't compete any more, she reverted to splitting him bad for

spending so much money.

Sylvia

> In a message dated 3/27/04 11:27:58 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> lonewolfe30@y... writes:

> I thought my nada was jealous of our new house

> I KNOW my nada was jealous...hence her projecting it through/to my

sister and

> me. Nada is pretentious; did things like she owned our home...had

a

> 'driveway' sign made for us that had our last name and 'Estate' on

it...gagggggggggg.

> I let her hang it (this was 25 years ago - pre no contact), but

after she had

> left I tossed it wayyyyy into the woods. Told her someone

apparently stole

> it...because it was sooo beautiful. another gaggggggggggg...but

sometimes

> lying to a nada justifies the end. Carol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

-She didn't try to hang one of those velvet paintings of Elvis - did

she?

Free

-- In ModOasis , getevenpersevere@a... wrote:

> In a message dated 3/27/04 11:27:58 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> lonewolfe30@y... writes:

> I thought my nada was jealous of our new house

> I KNOW my nada was jealous...hence her projecting it through/to my

sister and

> me. Nada is pretentious; did things like she owned our home...had

a

> 'driveway' sign made for us that had our last name and 'Estate' on

it...gagggggggggg.

> I let her hang it (this was 25 years ago - pre no contact), but

after she had

> left I tossed it wayyyyy into the woods. Told her someone

apparently stole

> it...because it was sooo beautiful. another gaggggggggggg...but

sometimes

> lying to a nada justifies the end. Carol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

-She didn't try to hang one of those velvet paintings of Elvis - did

she?

Free

-- In ModOasis , getevenpersevere@a... wrote:

> In a message dated 3/27/04 11:27:58 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> lonewolfe30@y... writes:

> I thought my nada was jealous of our new house

> I KNOW my nada was jealous...hence her projecting it through/to my

sister and

> me. Nada is pretentious; did things like she owned our home...had

a

> 'driveway' sign made for us that had our last name and 'Estate' on

it...gagggggggggg.

> I let her hang it (this was 25 years ago - pre no contact), but

after she had

> left I tossed it wayyyyy into the woods. Told her someone

apparently stole

> it...because it was sooo beautiful. another gaggggggggggg...but

sometimes

> lying to a nada justifies the end. Carol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

-She didn't try to hang one of those velvet paintings of Elvis - did

she?

Free

-- In ModOasis , getevenpersevere@a... wrote:

> In a message dated 3/27/04 11:27:58 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> lonewolfe30@y... writes:

> I thought my nada was jealous of our new house

> I KNOW my nada was jealous...hence her projecting it through/to my

sister and

> me. Nada is pretentious; did things like she owned our home...had

a

> 'driveway' sign made for us that had our last name and 'Estate' on

it...gagggggggggg.

> I let her hang it (this was 25 years ago - pre no contact), but

after she had

> left I tossed it wayyyyy into the woods. Told her someone

apparently stole

> it...because it was sooo beautiful. another gaggggggggggg...but

sometimes

> lying to a nada justifies the end. Carol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Velvet Elvis in the toilet...no wonder your stepfada is so constipated in the

mind.....

In a message dated 3/28/04 11:19:48 PM Eastern Standard Time,

lonewolfe30@... writes:

This is super freaking weird. When I was a kid my nada and fada had

a velvet picture of matadores I can recall (its one of those things

I could remember from when I had a fever and had the feeling I had a

hard life ahead of me- a surreal moment from childhood when I was

about 4). I don't know what happened to it after the age of 6, but I

don't remember having it.

When nada remarried step-fada, he brought a velvet Elvis into the

marriage and hung it over the toilet in their bathroom.

That's kind of strange that both of these would be brought up in the

same conversation.

Kerrie

> In a message dated 3/28/04 12:06:51 AM Eastern Standard Time,

> free_spirit_etc@y... writes:

> -She didn't try to hang one of those velvet paintings of Elvis -

did

> she?

>

> Free

>

>

> ALMOST as gawdawful...velvet painting of matadors from 'South Of

The

> Border'...