Re: A Friendly Reminder From My Mother

March 28, 2004

In a message dated 3/28/04 11:17:32 PM Eastern Standard Time,

lonewolfe30@... writes:

Carol,

Do you still give nada stuff? I'd have to go to Goodwill and get

stuff if she's just gonna return it at this point.

K

No. not in a very...very long time.

March 28, 2004

I learned to lie from nada...even when the truth is too obvious...saved my

ars from her beatings more than once. That was one hard flea to kill...

In a message dated 3/28/04 11:10:32 PM Eastern Standard Time,

lonewolfe30@... writes:

LOL- that's a good one Carol. You were obviously adept and fluent in

nada speak to know how to avoid that landmine though it sucks having

to lie. I see that now w/dh in that sometimes I'll want to tell

little white lies or at least that will be instinctual and he thinks

its weird. Now I know why. I had a nada growing up and had to tell

little white lies all the time to keep from pissing her off. I think

I'm a million times more honest than I use to be, but I still feel

the urge sometimes to lie so as to not hurt someone's feeling (dh

just omits the full truth which is more diplomatic and saves more

face).

K

March 28, 2004

I don't think that you 'let' her fall...she owns that, literally. I spent

the first half of my life feeling guilty if nada didn't have everything that I

had...and everything I ever gave was 'not quite right' anyway. I finally

realized I was trying to MAKE her love me. I quit that...and began to learn to

love ME.

In a message dated 3/29/04 12:09:25 AM Eastern Standard Time,

foundmy@... writes:

Carol,

I don't give my mother stuff anymore because she gets a wild hair up her butt

& everything goes into a yard sale in no time & she moves once again. The

very last thing I gave her was a picture frame that was encouragement for her to

keep trying. It was a cheap thing, but I thought it would help her mental

state at the time. It was in a big frame with words big enough for a very poor

sighted person to read. Whether she still has it or not is unknown to me & I

really don't care anymore. I use to give her every pretty thing I got, crystal

dishes color television, clothes she wanted. Hell, I even gave her my very first

car within a week after I bought it. She did keep the car for 10 years after I

gave it to her, but everything else I bought her beds, tables, chairs,

dishes, whatever it was went into yardsales & she would have to get everything

all

over again. She got new furniture a while back. I advised her not to do it at

that present time. When she couldn't meet her payments, she expected me to pay

them. I refused to let my kids do without necessities just so she could keep

her luxuries. Needless to say, I let her fall on her a$$ so to speak. I don't

regret it at all.

Debbie

March 28, 2004

I've not had any reason to talk to my nada; she leaves a message occasionally

now, we never answer. I really needed to do 'my work' on my own, just can't

deal with her at all; she is even more hostile now that she is older, 71.

I understand the honesty need; I couldn't begin to trust anyone else until I

could trust myself.

I have raised 3 boys, only one borrows my earrings, lol. But, there is a lot

more trouble that kids can get into today than funny looking hair, body

piercing, or tattoos. I hear you though...it's hard to give them their space,

and

put all these warning signs up too. I think they know we just care about

them...even when we perfume the truth. Carol

I still do not tell mine the truth all the time & it really goes against my

grain to lie. I cannot stand a liar & I cannot stand to be one either. So I

detest myself when I lie. A flea? Oh yes, definitely. I do try not to lie to

anyone else, especially my husband & kids. Its so important to those

relationships

to never lie if you can help it. Its better to say " I don't know for sure; I

believe this to be the truth, but I am unsure; That is my understanding;

That's all I know " than to ever say something & them find out later that you

were

lying. Faith & trust in a family is a 2 way street. It must be had by all or it

just won't work. I would rather tell my daughter that purple hair is ugly to

many people or its a tolerable purple in that it isn't so hideous that it

takes away from her prettiness, than to tell her she looks beautiful with it. I

also have been known to tell my children " I can stand pierced ears & long hair

on boys, than tattoos & other types of piercings. I would also rather them to

say, " Mom, That dress makes you look like bozo the clown. " than for them to

let me go out into public looking like that. I let my daughter color her hair

with hair dye that washes out, but not with the permanent stuff. Her dad would

have a fit, so it must be out of her hair on the weekends. By letting her have

a choice, she does it less than if I forbade it. I compromise with them when

I am able (which is almost always) it makes for a better relationship for

those times when I cannot do so. So theres no need to lie to my kids & they have

no need to lie to me, With my mother I have to lie about nearly everything. I

cannot tell her that I ever have any money, l cannot tell her that I am having

marital problems ( when I do have them), I cannot tell her anything personal.

I know that when I do, I am opening a way for her to use me, abuse me, then

cut me all bad, & finally I am giving her a weapon to use in an ugly smear

campaign against me. So I lie in self-defense. Well, I was doing that when we

were comminicating. But we aren't right now, so there is no need to feel as if I

am dishonoring my God by doing so. Telling the truth never gave me any

beatings as I refused to answer if I felt that I would get hurt by speaking. The

rules changed if I were high or drinking. I spoke out very bluntly & plainly & I

didn't care if she liked it or not. Then I'd run out of the house as fast as I

could & stay gone for perhaps a couple of weeks at a time. I didn't give her

the chance to beat the hell out of me once I hit around 16 yrs old. I knew that

she wouldn't call the cops because she didn't care enough to do it.

(((((((hugs)))))))