Guest guest Posted September 12, 2007 Report Share Posted September 12, 2007 Lightworker Date: Sep 12, 2007 2:01 PM Subject: Is Sex Necessary? wonderful read~thanks for sharing : RainbojanglesDate: Sep 12, 2007 2:36 PMAnd Now For Something completely DifferentRainbojanglesIs Sex Necessary?Alan FarnhamFans of abstinence had better be sitting down. "Saving yourself" before the big game, the big business deal, the big hoedown or the big bakeoff may indeed confer some moral benefit. But corporeally it does absolutely zip. There's no evidence it sharpens your competitive edge. The best that modern science can say for sexual abstinence is that it's harmless when practiced in moderation. Having regular and enthusiastic sex, by contrast, confers a host of measurable physiological advantages, be you male or female. (This assumes that you are engaging in sex without contracting a sexually transmitted disease.)In one of the most credible studies correlating overall health with sexual frequency, Queens University in Belfast tracked the mortality of about 1,000 middle-aged men over the course of a decade. The study was designed to compare persons of comparable circumstances, age and health. Its findings, published in 1997 in the British Medical Journal, were that men who reported the highest frequency of orgasm enjoyed a death rate half that of the laggards. Other studies (some rigorous, some less so) purport to show that having sex even a few times a week has an associative or causal relationship with the following:- Improved sense of smell: After sex, production of the hormone prolactin surges. This in turn causes stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain's olfactory bulb, its smell center.- Reduced risk of heart disease: In a 2001 follow-on to the Queens University study mentioned above, researchers focused on cardiovascular health. Their finding? That by having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half. In reporting these results, the co-author of the study, Shah Ebrahim, Ph.D., displayed the well-loved British gift for understatement: "The relationship found between frequency of sexual intercourse and mortality is of considerable public interest."- Weight loss, overall fitness: Sex, if nothing else, is exercise. A vigorous bout burns some 200 calories--about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash. The pulse rate, in a person aroused, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort. British researchers have determined that the equivalent of six Big Macs can be worked off by having sex three times a week for a year. Muscular contractions during intercourse work the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, arms, neck and thorax. Sex also boosts production of testosterone, which leads to stronger bones and muscles. Men's Health magazine has gone so far as to call the bed the single greatest piece of exercise equipment ever invented.- Reduced depression: Such was the implication of a 2002 study of 293 women. American psychologist Gordon Gallup reported that sexually active participants whose male partners did not use condoms were less subject to depression than those whose partners did. One theory of causality: Prostoglandin, a hormone found only in semen, may be absorbed in the female genital tract, thus modulating female hormones.- Pain-relief: Immediately before orgasm, levels of the hormone oxytocin surge to five times their normal level. This in turn releases endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headache to arthritis to even migraine. In women, sex also prompts production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS.- Less-frequent colds and flu: Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30% higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system.- Better bladder control: Heard of Kegel exercises? You do them, whether you know it or not, every time you stem your flow of urine. The same set of muscles is worked during sex.- Better teeth: Seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and other minerals shown to retard tooth decay. Since this is a family Web site, we will omit discussion of the mineral delivery system. Suffice it to say that it could be a far richer, more complex and more satisfying experience than squeezing a tube of Crest--even Tartar Control Crest. Researchers have noted, parenthetically, that sexual etiquette usually demands the brushing of one's teeth before and/or after intimacy, which, by itself, would help promote better oral hygiene.- A happier prostate? Some urologists believe they see a relationship between infrequency of ejaculation and cancer of the prostate. The causal argument goes like this: To produce seminal fluid, the prostate and the seminal vesicles take such substances from the blood as zinc, citric acid and potassium, then concentrate them up to 600 times. Any carcinogens present in the blood likewise would be concentrated. Rather than have concentrated carcinogens hanging around causing trouble, it's better to evict them. Regular old sex could do the job. But if the flushing of the prostate were your only objective, masturbation might be a better way to go, especially for the non-monogamous male. Having sex with multiple partners can, all by itself, raise a man's risk of cancer by up to 40%. That's because he runs an increased risk of contracting sexual infections. So, if you want the all the purported benefits of flushing with none of the attendant risk, go digital. A study recently published by the British Journal of Urology International asserts that men in their 20s can reduce by a third their chance of getting prostate cancer by ejaculating more than five times a week.While possession of a robust appetite for sex--and the physical ability to gratify it--may not always be the cynosure of perfect health, a reluctance to engage can be a sign that something is seriously on the fritz, especially where the culprit is an infirm erection.Dr. J. Francois Eid, a urologist with Weill Medical College of Cornell University and New York Presbyterian Hospital, observes that erectile dysfunction is extension of vascular system. A lethargic member may be telling you that you have diseased blood vessels elsewhere in your body. "It could be a first sign of hypertension or diabetes or increased cholesterol levels. It's a red flag that you should see your doctor." Treatment and exercise, says Dr. Eid, can have things looking up again: "Men who exercise and have a good heart and low heart rate, and who are cardio-fit, have firmer erections. There very definitely is a relationship."But is there such a thing as too much sex?The answer, in purely physiological terms, is this: If you're female, probably not. If you're male? You betcha.Dr. of the University of Bristol says there is little or no risk of a woman's overdosing on sex. In fact, she says, regular sessions can not only firm a woman's tummy and buttocks but also improve her posture.Dr. Winch Jr., an obstetrician/gynecologist in Elko, Nev., concurs. If a woman is pre-menopausal and otherwise healthy, says Dr. Winch, her having an extraordinary amount of intercourse ought not to pose a problem. "I don't think women can have too much intercourse," he says, "so long as no sexually transmitted disease is introduced and there's not an inadvertent pregnancy. Sometimes you can have a lubrication problem. If you have that, there can be vaginal excoriation--vaginal scrape."Women who abstain from sex run some risks. In postmenopausal women, these include vaginal atrophy. Dr. Winch has a middle-aged patient of whom he says: "She hasn't had intercourse in three years. Just isn't interested. The opening of her vagina is narrowing from disuse. It's a condition that can lead to dysparenia, or pain associated with intercourse. I told her, 'Look, you'd better buy a vibrator or you're going to lose function there.'"As for men, urologist Eid says it's definitely possible to get too much of a good thing, now that drugs such as Viagra and Levitra have given men far more staying power than may actually be good for them.The penis, says Eid, is wonderfully resilient. But everything has its limits. Penile tissues, if given too roistering or prolonged a pummeling, can sustain damage. In cases you'd just as soon not hear about, permanent damage."Yes," says Dr. Eid, "It is possible for a young man who is very forceful and who likes rough sex, to damage his erectile tissue." The drugs increase rigidity; moreover, they make it possible for a man to have second and third orgasms without having to wait out intermission."I see it in pro football players," says Eid. "They use Viagra because they're so sexually active. What they demand of their body is unreasonable. It's part of playing football: you play through the pain." This type of guy doesn't listen to his body. He takes a shot of cortisone, and keeps on going. And they have sex in similar fashion."There's a reason the penis, in its natural state, undergoes a period of flaccidity: That's when it takes a breather. The blood within it is replenished with oxygen. "During an erection," explains Eid, "very little blood flows to the penis. During thrusting, pressure can go as high as 200 mil of water. Zero blood flows into penis at that time." To absorb oxygen, the tissue must become relaxed. "If you do not allow the penis to rest, then the muscle tissue does not get enough oxygen. The individual gets prolonged erections, gets decreased oxygen to tissue, and could potentially suffer priapism." (We recommend you get a medical encyclopedia and look it up.) "The muscle becomes so engorged, it's painful. Pressure inside starts to increase. Cells start dying. More pressure and less blood flow. Eventually the muscle dies. Then there's scarring. That's why it's considered an emergency."Your Brain on Sexhttp://www.reuniting../science/sex_in_the_brainSubmitted by Marnia on Sat, 2005-06-25 00:04.Let's look at what goes on in the brain during sex and orgasm. Although you think everything happens between your legs, the sensation of orgasm actually originates between your ears, in the form of neurochemical changes.cave man These neurochemical changes take place in the limbic system, or "primitive brain." The primitive brain controls almost all bodily functions. It's the seat of emotions, desires, drives and impulses. It's where you fall in and out of love…or lust.The primitive brain is largely the same in all mammals. It has been around for well over 100,000,000 years, lurking right beneath your large, rational neo-cortex. Thanks to your limbic system, you cannot will your feelings, emotions, falling in love, or staying in love, anymore than you can will your heart to beat, or yourself to digest a meal or sleep.Recently, scientists have begun to unravel the neurochemistry of falling in love. And, if there is a neurochemical program to fall into love (or lust), there must be one to fall out of love. For every biological event in your body, there is a biological cause. In this case, the cause is neurochemicals.Neurochemical Commandspic removedThe most important factor is dopamine. Dopamine is the neurochemical that activates your reward center (more accurately, "reward circuitry"). The reward center is a small portion of the limbic system, but it drives nearly all of your behaviors. This center is activated when you engage in activities that further your survival, or the continuation of your genes. Whether it's sex, eating, taking risks, achieving goals, or drinking water, all increase dopamine, and dopamine turns on your reward center. You can think of dopamine as the "I've got to have it" neurochemical, whatever "it" is. It's the "craving" neurochemical.The more dopamine you release and the more your reward center is activated, the more "reward" you experience. A good example is food. We get a much bigger blast of dopamine eating high-calorie foods than we do low-calorie foods. It's why we choose chocolate cake over Brussels sprouts. Our reward center is programmed that "calories equal survival." cake sliceYou're not actually craving ice cream, or a winning lotto ticket, or even a romp in the sack. You're craving the dopamine that is released with these activities. Dopamine is your reward, not the item or activity.All addictive drugs and all addictions increase dopamine; that is why they are addictive. Money, power, gambling, shopping, computer games…if something increases your dopamine, then it's addictive for you. Why did Martha risk everything for more money? She got a thrill from a stock market gamble, and that gave her more dopamine. She didn't need the money.Do not get the idea that dopamine is "bad." Dopamine is absolutely necessary for your survival. Yet when it's too low or too high it can cause real problems. If you look at this chart you can see some behaviors and conditions associated with dopamine levels that are too high or too low.Researchers placed electrodes in rats' reward centers to stimulate them, just as dopamine does. The rats could then press a lever to stimulate the reward center. That's all those rats did; rat pushing leverthey ignored food, and even female rats. They just sat there pressing the lever over and over, wasting away…not unlike crack addicts. In a second experiment, scientists blocked dopamine so the reward center could not be stimulated. What happened? The rats just sat there, again ignoring food, receptive mates, and the opportunity to explore their environment.Orgasm is the biggest blast of dopamine (legally) available to us. A Dutch scientist recently scanned the brains of people having orgasm. He said they resembled scans of heroin rushes. He saw visions of an "orgasm pill" and lots of money. We saw visions of one of the most addictive substance ever produced.Orgasms and addictions have two things in common. They both produce an initial pleasurable experience, and both are followed by an unpleasant hangover. "What goes up must come down." It's simple biology; body systems must return to balance, or homeostasis. What goes up and down in this case is your dopamine. That can play havoc with your mood and the way in which you perceive your partner.Jekyll & Hyde With conventional sex and orgasms you're going in and out of these dopamine extremes. So are we saying that orgasm makes you schizophrenic and then depressed, as in the chart above? No, but it definitely affects your behavior and mood. Not long after (author of this article) got off of the orgasm/dopamine roller coaster, his lifelong chronic depression disappeared. Considering the behaviors associated with high and low dopamine may help explain how one's lover can do the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" thing.More to the StoryThe highs and lows of dopamine are only half of the "orgasm hangover" story. At orgasm, dopamine drops like a lead balloon, and we lose interest, at least temporarily. However, if dopamine's not kept in check, it could rapidly shoot up again and we'd be back in the sack. Biology's mission is now to stop us from screwing around and place our attention elsewhere - like on hunting and gathering, feeding the babies, going to our job, taking out the trash and so forth. Otherwise we'd end up like those rats, working our levers over and over, and doing nothing else.Suppressing dopamine is so important that nature uses an additional neurochemical to curtail our sexual desire. It's called prolactin. If dopamine is the "foot on the gas," then prolactin is the "foot on the brake."Dopamine - Prolactin Relationship at OrgasmResearch shows that prolactin surges immediately after orgasm in both men and women. Men may experience this prolactin surge as the "roll over and snore" phenomenon. In women, the effects may be delayed for days.There's an inverse relationship between the levels of prolactin and dopamine; when one is up the other is down. This rise and fall produces a dopamine/prolactin roller coaster of highs and lows, and this roller coaster is a major part of the post-orgasm hangover.What do couples complain of as their honeymoons end? The very symptoms associated with high prolactin: weight gain, drop in libido, mood changes, depression. Notice that in women excess prolactin is also associated with anxiety and hostility. Sound familiar?Although research hasn't shown how long prolactin surges continue in humans after sex, in rats surges of prolactin continue for up to two weeks. This may help to explain how great sex last week could lead to relationship friction now. And it's no wonder we don't make the link between cause and effect.There's also evidence that prolactin acts as a stress hormone. Unlike the "fight or flight" stress hormones, prolactin seems to be associated with "giving up," or "despair-type" stress. When a wild monkey is first caged, "fight or flight" stress hormones rise. As time goes by and despair sets in, "fight or flight" hormones fall and prolactin rises. Could these surges of prolactin explain relationship despair?To summarize thus far, orgasm leads to a drop in dopamine and a rise in prolactin. Both of these lead to multiple behavioral and emotional symptoms, which, in our experience, can arise over the next two weeks. During this time, our behavior may change for the worse. More importantly, our perception of each other can shift dramatically for the worse. If we feel depleted, our partner will seem overly demanding; if we feel needy, our partner will seem selfish and uncaring. Of course, few people ever avoid orgasm for two weeks. Most of us ride this roller coaster over and over, never really experiencing balanced brain chemistry.Orgasm's high dopamine/low dopamine pattern actually encourages addictions of many kinds because people attempt to use artificial means to manipulate their dopamine levels. found that when he got off of the roller coaster, the results were amazing: dropping a long-term addiction and eventually leaving behind prescription antidepressants, ending a lifetime of depression.Think about it. Most addictions kick in during teen years, when we become sexually active. A recent Columbia University study found that sexually active teens use more drugs. One might think social factors alone lead to this correlation between drugs and sex, but when scientists studied hamsters, they found that sexually-active hamsters were much more susceptible to amphetamine addiction than their virgin counterparts. This research brings me to another observation. Children, or pre-teens have yet to activate this dopamine roller coaster, and they possess a cheerful, optimistic enthusiasm for the simplest activities. Perhaps this is due to balanced dopamine.Low Testosterone and the Coolidge EffectThere is further evidence for the post-passion hangover.Sexually-satiated male rats take up to seven days to recover their full desire for sex, although there is one way to jumpstart them, which we'll get to in a moment. Research shows they experience a reduction in testosterone receptors for up to a week, which may decrease that "manly feeling." If this happens in females, it would also reduce their sexual desire. Low testosterone is associated with irritability and anger. Serotonin and endorphin levels also rise in sexually-satiated rats, which decrease dopamine and raise prolactin, respectively. Remember, in humans, any such changes will cause you to project your resulting mood changes onto your mate, which is just great…for biology's agenda.Humans, like virtually all mammals, are not naturally monogamous. From chimps to rats, the same neurochemical behaviors drive mammalian behaviors, and it's driving them to be promiscuous. Is it likely that Mr. and Mrs. Rodent are growing apart in their relationship? Could the excitement be gone from their marriage? Perhaps Mrs. Chimp spends far too much money, or nags too much. Maybe Mr. Chimp watches too much football or doesn't help much with housework. Not likely. Just like us, they have a program, triggered by mating, hard-wired into their primitive brains, which biology uses to urge them tire of their mates and move on to new mates.While the hangover is in effect, our higher brain proposes logical reasons to explain our relationship disharmony. Orgasm is natural…absolutely. But it may also be natural for both men and women to sour on a mate, to suddenly find a spouse unattractive, irritating, and wholly unreasonable. It may even be natural to become wholly unreasonable and thus hasten the departure of a mate.Now we know that all of you are wondering about that sure-fire way to jumpstart male rats' flagging libido. Perhaps you can already guess. All you have to do is introduce a new, receptive female…. That may not be the answer you were hoping for…or perhaps it was!Have you heard of the "Coolidge Effect?" Because that's what we're addressing. Scientists have discovered that - after a frenzy of copulation - a male rat will lose interest in a female. BUT should a new female show up, he'll perk up long enough to service her. This process can be continued until he practically dies of exhaustion. …once again proving that biology doesn't give a rat's…hindquarters about anything but propelling genes into the future. The Coolidge Effect has been observed in every species tested, and not just in males. Lady rodents prefer to seduce new guys, too.The Coolidge Effect just might play a role in human affairs as well. Marnia once talked with a man who had stopped counting at 350 lovers. He said, "I really don't understand it. I lost interest in all of them sexually so quickly….and some of those women are really beautiful, too."The Coolidge Effect is linked to your post-orgasm hangover. The reason the rat loses interest is that he's not getting any more dopamine surge from Partner No. 1. No dopamine, no interest. The same thing happens to humans. The thrill is gone, and Partner No. 1 looks like Brussels sprouts. Now you're primed for anything that will jack up your dopamine again. Partner No. 2 appears, and your dopamine soars. As if by magic, your blues are gone, and you have that heady feeling of anticipation, that sense of uninhibited aliveness. In short, No. 2 looks like chocolate cake.What if No. 2 doesn't show, and you're left in the doldrums? Unlike rats, you have many dopamine-raising possibilities - from internet porn, gambling and alcohol - to the new dopamine agonists drug companies are producing to light a fire under slumbering libidos.These "fixes" make you feel better briefly, but as far as your well-being goes, they are like eating junk food…a net loss.Your primitive brain is not equipped to "get" that. It just keeps rewarding you to do the same unrewarding things. A "fix" just positions you for a continuous addictive cycle of highs, more lows, and a search for more highs. Many of us spend much of our sex lives caught in this cycle - with no obvious way out.The Power of OxytocinWe have talked about how dopamine can break couples apart, but there's also something holding couples together…at least at first. The neurochemical that binds couples together is oxytocin, the "cuddle hormone" or "bonding hormone." Without it, we could not fall in love. Falling in love is associated with a soup of neurochemicals - like adrenaline, which makes your heart race, and dopamine, which makes you crave your beloved. But the heartwarming, loving, "gushy" aspects of love are due to oxytocin. It is the "unconditional love" hormone associated with nurturing and generous affection.Oxytocin has various functions in the body, such as inducing labor contractions and milk ejection, but from evolutionary biology's perspective, its main evolutionary function is to bond us to our children for life. It also serves to bond us to our mate…at least long enough to produce a child and (if we're lucky) get it on its feet.Friendships are also built on oxytocin, and can be quite deep bonds. Yet, what happens to friendships that turn into sexual relationships? Often things change for the worse. When Harry Met Sally This change is an excellent example of the neurochemical shift or hangover kicking in. As things go sour, something is interfering with oxytocin's bonding effects.The good news is that oxytocin is the loophole in biology's plans for our love lives. This is the secret that the ancient sacred-sexuality sages stumbled upon. Making love with lots of affection, without the dopamine-driven highs and lows of conventional sex, seems to keep oxytocin levels high. The more oxytocin you produce, the more receptive you are to it. This is the opposite of dopamine. Addicts need more and more of a drug, which, of course, which actually means they need more and more dopamine. Luckily you don't need an ever-increasing "fix" of oxytocin to maintain the same gushy feeling. In fact, your partner just looks better and better…at least to you. This is why this practice can strengthen your bond with your mate.When researchers injected oxytocin into the brain of a promiscuous breed of rodent, it preferred familiar partners to unfamiliar partners. Dopamine and its hangover are the keys to promiscuity, whereas oxytocin is the key to monogamy.Oxytocin has huge benefits, both emotionally and physically. Oxytocin is the answer to the question, "What is the mechanism by which love and affection positively affect our health?" * Oxytocin reduces cravings. When scientists administered it to rodents who were addicted to cocaine, morphine, or heroin, the rats opted for less drugs, or showed fewer symptoms of withdrawal. (Kovacs, 1998) * Oxytocin calms. A single rat injected with oxytocin has a calming effect on a cage full of anxious rats. (Agren, 2002) * This quality of oxytocin explains why companionship can increase longevity - even among those who are HIV positive (Young, 2004). dopamine high, followed by hangoverOr speed recovery: wounded hamsters heal twice as fast when they are paired with a sibling, rather than left in isolation (DeVries, 2004). * It may also explain why, among various species of primates, care-giving parents (whether male or female) live significantly longer. (Cal Tech, 1998) * Oxytocin appears be a major reason that SSRI's [Prozac-type drugs] ease depression, perhaps because high levels of cortisol are the chief culprits in depression and anxiety disorders. (Uvnas-Moberg, 1999) * Oxytocin increases sexual receptivity and counteracts impotence, which is why this other way of making love remains pleasurable. (Pedersen, C.A., 2002), (Arletti, 1997)Again, notice that oxytocin reduces cravings and increases sexual receptivity. This allows making love without orgasm to be completely satisfying. The affection is always there, flowing between you and your partner. When we tiptoe around dopamine's highs and lows, we encourage more oxytocin receptors and actually re-wire our brain, getting pleasure from a different cocktail of neurochemicals. Understanding the power of oxytocin suggests how sexual relationships can heal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 13, 2007 Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 DID YOU SAY S(((E(((X??? Yep I always knew it was a good thaNG.. lOVE YA.. THANK YOU! love karen --- In , " " <knightsintention@...> wrote: > > > <http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile & friend\ > id=55631190 & MyToken=1a41e5e9-f920-4aeb-bb65-2af4eff183fb> > Lightworker > <http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile & friend\ > id=55631190 & MyToken=1a41e5e9-f920-4aeb-bb65-2af4eff183fb> > > > > Date: > Sep 12, 2007 2:01 PM > Subject: > Is Sex Necessary? > wonderful read~ > thanks for sharing : Rainbojangles > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vcHJvZmlsZS5teXNwYWNlLmNvbS9pbmRleC5\ > jZm0/ZnVzZWFjdGlvbj11c2VyLnZpZXdwcm9maWxlJmZyaWVuZGlkPTI5MjMyOTc1Jk15VG9\ > rZW49YTQxNzAzM2EtM2IwOS00N2M3LThlZTYtNzNhNWJmYTE2MWQw> > Date: Sep 12, 2007 2:36 PM > > > And Now For Something completely Different > > Rainbojangles > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm15c3BhY2UuY29tL3JhaW5ib2phbmd\ > sZXM=> > > Is Sex Necessary? > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmZvcmJlcy5jb20vMjAwMy8xMC8wOC9\ > jel9hZl8xMDA4aGVhbHRoLmh0bWw=> > > Alan Farnham > > Fans of abstinence had better be sitting down. " Saving yourself " before > the big game, the big business deal, the big hoedown or the big bakeoff > may indeed confer some moral benefit. But corporeally it does absolutely > zip. There's no evidence it sharpens your competitive edge. The best > that modern science can say for sexual abstinence is that it's harmless > when practiced in moderation. Having regular and enthusiastic sex, by > contrast, confers a host of measurable physiological advantages, be you > male or female. (This assumes that you are engaging in sex without > contracting a sexually transmitted disease.) > > In one of the most credible studies correlating overall health with > sexual frequency, Queens University in Belfast tracked the mortality of > about 1,000 middle-aged men over the course of a decade. The study was > designed to compare persons of comparable circumstances, age and health. > Its findings, published in 1997 in the British Medical Journal, were > that men who reported the highest frequency of orgasm enjoyed a death > rate half that of the laggards. Other studies (some rigorous, some less > so) purport to show that having sex even a few times a week has an > associative or causal relationship with the following: > > - Improved sense of smell: After sex, production of the hormone > prolactin surges. This in turn causes stem cells in the brain to develop > new neurons in the brain's olfactory bulb, its smell center. > > - Reduced risk of heart disease: In a 2001 follow-on to the Queens > University study mentioned above, researchers focused on cardiovascular > health. Their finding? That by having sex three or more times a week, > men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half. In reporting > these results, the co-author of the study, Shah Ebrahim, Ph.D., > displayed the well-loved British gift for understatement: " The > relationship found between frequency of sexual intercourse and mortality > is of considerable public interest. " > > - Weight loss, overall fitness: Sex, if nothing else, is exercise. A > vigorous bout burns some 200 calories--about the same as running 15 > minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash. The pulse > rate, in a person aroused, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, > the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort. British > researchers have determined that the equivalent of six Big Macs can be > worked off by having sex three times a week for a year. Muscular > contractions during intercourse work the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, arms, > neck and thorax. Sex also boosts production of testosterone, which leads > to stronger bones and muscles. Men's Health magazine has gone so far as > to call the bed the single greatest piece of exercise equipment ever > invented. > > - Reduced depression: Such was the implication of a 2002 study of 293 > women. American psychologist Gordon Gallup reported that sexually active > participants whose male partners did not use condoms were less subject > to depression than those whose partners did. One theory of causality: > Prostoglandin, a hormone found only in semen, may be absorbed in the > female genital tract, thus modulating female hormones. > > - Pain-relief: Immediately before orgasm, levels of the hormone oxytocin > surge to five times their normal level. This in turn releases > endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headache to > arthritis to even migraine. In women, sex also prompts production of > estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS. > > - Less-frequent colds and flu: Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says > individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30% higher levels of > an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune > system. > > - Better bladder control: Heard of Kegel exercises? You do them, whether > you know it or not, every time you stem your flow of urine. The same set > of muscles is worked during sex. > > - Better teeth: Seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and other minerals > shown to retard tooth decay. Since this is a family Web site, we will > omit discussion of the mineral delivery system. Suffice it to say that > it could be a far richer, more complex and more satisfying experience > than squeezing a tube of Crest--even Tartar Control Crest. Researchers > have noted, parenthetically, that sexual etiquette usually demands the > brushing of one's teeth before and/or after intimacy, which, by itself, > would help promote better oral hygiene. > > - A happier prostate? Some urologists believe they see a relationship > between infrequency of ejaculation and cancer of the prostate. The > causal argument goes like this: To produce seminal fluid, the prostate > and the seminal vesicles take such substances from the blood as zinc, > citric acid and potassium, then concentrate them up to 600 times. Any > carcinogens present in the blood likewise would be concentrated. Rather > than have concentrated carcinogens hanging around causing trouble, it's > better to evict them. Regular old sex could do the job. But if the > flushing of the prostate were your only objective, masturbation might be > a better way to go, especially for the non-monogamous male. Having sex > with multiple partners can, all by itself, raise a man's risk of cancer > by up to 40%. That's because he runs an increased risk of contracting > sexual infections. So, if you want the all the purported benefits of > flushing with none of the attendant risk, go digital. A study recently > published by the British Journal of Urology International asserts that > men in their 20s can reduce by a third their chance of getting prostate > cancer by ejaculating more than five times a week. > > While possession of a robust appetite for sex--and the physical ability > to gratify it--may not always be the cynosure of perfect health, a > reluctance to engage can be a sign that something is seriously on the > fritz, especially where the culprit is an infirm erection. > > Dr. J. Francois Eid, a urologist with Weill Medical College of Cornell > University and New York Presbyterian Hospital, observes that erectile > dysfunction is extension of vascular system. A lethargic member may be > telling you that you have diseased blood vessels elsewhere in your body. > " It could be a first sign of hypertension or diabetes or increased > cholesterol levels. It's a red flag that you should see your doctor. " > Treatment and exercise, says Dr. Eid, can have things looking up again: > " Men who exercise and have a good heart and low heart rate, and who are > cardio-fit, have firmer erections. There very definitely is a > relationship. " > > But is there such a thing as too much sex? > > The answer, in purely physiological terms, is this: If you're female, > probably not. If you're male? You betcha. > > Dr. of the University of Bristol says there is little or > no risk of a woman's overdosing on sex. In fact, she says, regular > sessions can not only firm a woman's tummy and buttocks but also improve > her posture. > > Dr. Winch Jr., an obstetrician/gynecologist in Elko, Nev., > concurs. If a woman is pre-menopausal and otherwise healthy, says Dr. > Winch, her having an extraordinary amount of intercourse ought not to > pose a problem. " I don't think women can have too much intercourse, " he > says, " so long as no sexually transmitted disease is introduced and > there's not an inadvertent pregnancy. Sometimes you can have a > lubrication problem. If you have that, there can be vaginal > excoriation--vaginal scrape. " > > Women who abstain from sex run some risks. In postmenopausal women, > these include vaginal atrophy. Dr. Winch has a middle-aged patient of > whom he says: " She hasn't had intercourse in three years. Just isn't > interested. The opening of her vagina is narrowing from disuse. It's a > condition that can lead to dysparenia, or pain associated with > intercourse. I told her, 'Look, you'd better buy a vibrator or you're > going to lose function there.' " > > As for men, urologist Eid says it's definitely possible to get too much > of a good thing, now that drugs such as Viagra and Levitra have given > men far more staying power than may actually be good for them. > > The penis, says Eid, is wonderfully resilient. But everything has its > limits. Penile tissues, if given too roistering or prolonged a > pummeling, can sustain damage. In cases you'd just as soon not hear > about, permanent damage. > > " Yes, " says Dr. Eid, " It is possible for a young man who is very > forceful and who likes rough sex, to damage his erectile tissue. " The > drugs increase rigidity; moreover, they make it possible for a man to > have second and third orgasms without having to wait out intermission. > > " I see it in pro football players, " says Eid. " They use Viagra because > they're so sexually active. What they demand of their body is > unreasonable. It's part of playing football: you play through the pain. " > This type of guy doesn't listen to his body. He takes a shot of > cortisone, and keeps on going. And they have sex in similar fashion. " > > There's a reason the penis, in its natural state, undergoes a period of > flaccidity: That's when it takes a breather. The blood within it is > replenished with oxygen. " During an erection, " explains Eid, " very > little blood flows to the penis. During thrusting, pressure can go as > high as 200 mil of water. Zero blood flows into penis at that time. " To > absorb oxygen, the tissue must become relaxed. " If you do not allow the > penis to rest, then the muscle tissue does not get enough oxygen. The > individual gets prolonged erections, gets decreased oxygen to tissue, > and could potentially suffer priapism. " (We recommend you get a medical > encyclopedia and look it up.) " The muscle becomes so engorged, it's > painful. Pressure inside starts to increase. Cells start dying. More > pressure and less blood flow. Eventually the muscle dies. Then there's > scarring. That's why it's considered an emergency. " > > > > > Your Brain on Sex > http://www.reuniting../science/sex_in_the_brain > > > > > Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2005-06-25 00:04. > > > Let's look at what goes on in the brain during sex and orgasm. > Although you think everything happens between your legs, the sensation > of orgasm actually originates between your ears, in the form of > neurochemical changes.cave man These neurochemical changes take place in > the limbic system, or " primitive brain. " The primitive brain controls > almost all bodily functions. It's the seat of emotions, desires, > drives and impulses. It's where you fall in and out of love…or > lust. > > The primitive brain is largely the same in all mammals. It has been > around for well over 100,000,000 years, lurking right beneath your > large, rational neo-cortex. Thanks to your limbic system, you cannot > will your feelings, emotions, falling in love, or staying in love, > anymore than you can will your heart to beat, or yourself to digest a > meal or sleep. > Recently, scientists have begun to unravel the neurochemistry of falling > in love. And, if there is a neurochemical program to fall into love (or > lust), there must be one to fall out of love. For every biological event > in your body, there is a biological cause. In this case, the cause is > neurochemicals. > > > Neurochemical Commands > > pic removed > > > > The most important factor is dopamine. Dopamine is the neurochemical > that activates your reward center (more accurately, " reward circuitry " ). > The reward center is a small portion of the limbic system, but it drives > nearly all of your behaviors. This center is activated when you engage > in activities that further your survival, or the continuation of your > genes. Whether it's sex, eating, taking risks, achieving goals, or > drinking water, all increase dopamine, and dopamine turns on your reward > center. You can think of dopamine as the " I've got to have it " > neurochemical, whatever " it " is. It's the " craving " neurochemical. > > The more dopamine you release and the more your reward center is > activated, the more " reward " you experience. A good example is food. We > get a much bigger blast of dopamine eating high-calorie foods than we do > low-calorie foods. It's why we choose chocolate cake over Brussels > sprouts. Our reward center is programmed that " calories equal survival. " > cake sliceYou're not actually craving ice cream, or a winning lotto > ticket, or even a romp in the sack. You're craving the dopamine that > is released with these activities. Dopamine is your reward, not the item > or activity. > > All addictive drugs and all addictions increase dopamine; that is why > they are addictive. Money, power, gambling, shopping, computer > games…if something increases your dopamine, then it's addictive > for you. Why did Martha risk everything for more money? She got > a thrill from a stock market gamble, and that gave her more dopamine. > She didn't need the money. > > Do not get the idea that dopamine is " bad. " Dopamine is absolutely > necessary for your survival. Yet when it's too low or too high it > can cause real problems. If you look at this chart you can see some > behaviors and conditions associated with dopamine levels that are too > high or too low. > > > > > > > > > Researchers placed electrodes in rats' reward centers to stimulate > them, just as dopamine does. The rats could then press a lever to > stimulate the reward center. That's all those rats did; rat pushing > leverthey ignored food, and even female rats. They just sat there > pressing the lever over and over, wasting away…not unlike crack > addicts. In a second experiment, scientists blocked dopamine so the > reward center could not be stimulated. What happened? The rats just sat > there, again ignoring food, receptive mates, and the opportunity to > explore their environment. > > Orgasm is the biggest blast of dopamine (legally) available to us. A > Dutch scientist recently scanned the brains of people having orgasm. He > said they resembled scans of heroin rushes. He saw visions of an " orgasm > pill " and lots of money. We saw visions of one of the most addictive > substance ever produced. > > Orgasms and addictions have two things in common. They both produce an > initial pleasurable experience, and both are followed by an unpleasant > hangover. " What goes up must come down. " It's simple biology; body > systems must return to balance, or homeostasis. What goes up and down in > this case is your dopamine. That can play havoc with your mood and the > way in which you perceive your partner. > > Jekyll & Hyde With conventional sex and orgasms you're going in and > out of these dopamine extremes. So are we saying that orgasm makes you > schizophrenic and then depressed, as in the chart above? No, but it > definitely affects your behavior and mood. Not long after (author > of this article) got off of the orgasm/dopamine roller coaster, his > lifelong chronic depression disappeared. Considering the behaviors > associated with high and low dopamine may help explain how one's > lover can do the " Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde " thing. > More to the Story > > The highs and lows of dopamine are only half of the " orgasm hangover " > story. At orgasm, dopamine drops like a lead balloon, and we lose > interest, at least temporarily. However, if dopamine's not kept in > check, it could rapidly shoot up again and we'd be back in the sack. > Biology's mission is now to stop us from screwing around and place > our attention elsewhere - like on hunting and gathering, feeding the > babies, going to our job, taking out the trash and so forth. Otherwise > we'd end up like those rats, working our levers over and over, and > doing nothing else. > > Suppressing dopamine is so important that nature uses an additional > neurochemical to curtail our sexual desire. It's called prolactin. > If dopamine is the " foot on the gas, " then prolactin is the " foot on the > brake. " > > Dopamine - Prolactin Relationship at Orgasm > > Research shows that prolactin surges immediately after orgasm in both > men and women. Men may experience this prolactin surge as the " roll over > and snore " phenomenon. In women, the effects may be delayed for days. > > There's an inverse relationship between the levels of prolactin and > dopamine; when one is up the other is down. This rise and fall produces > a dopamine/prolactin roller coaster of highs and lows, and this roller > coaster is a major part of the post-orgasm hangover. > > What do couples complain of as their honeymoons end? The very symptoms > associated with high prolactin: weight gain, drop in libido, mood > changes, depression. Notice that in women excess prolactin is also > associated with anxiety and hostility. Sound familiar? > > > > > > > > Although research hasn't shown how long prolactin surges continue in > humans after sex, in rats surges of prolactin continue for up to two > weeks. This may help to explain how great sex last week could lead to > relationship friction now. And it's no wonder we don't make the > link between cause and effect. > > There's also evidence that prolactin acts as a stress hormone. > Unlike the " fight or flight " stress hormones, prolactin seems to be > associated with " giving up, " or " despair-type " stress. When a wild > monkey is first caged, " fight or flight " stress hormones rise. As time > goes by and despair sets in, " fight or flight " hormones fall and > prolactin rises. Could these surges of prolactin explain relationship > despair? > > To summarize thus far, orgasm leads to a drop in dopamine and a rise in > prolactin. Both of these lead to multiple behavioral and emotional > symptoms, which, in our experience, can arise over the next two weeks. > During this time, our behavior may change for the worse. More > importantly, our perception of each other can shift dramatically for the > worse. If we feel depleted, our partner will seem overly demanding; if > we feel needy, our partner will seem selfish and uncaring. Of course, > few people ever avoid orgasm for two weeks. Most of us ride this roller > coaster over and over, never really experiencing balanced brain > chemistry. > > Orgasm's high dopamine/low > > dopamine pattern actually encourages addictions of many kinds because > people attempt to use artificial means to manipulate their dopamine > levels. found that when he got off of the roller coaster, the > results were amazing: dropping a long-term addiction and eventually > leaving behind prescription antidepressants, ending a lifetime of > depression. > > Think about it. Most addictions kick in during teen years, when we > become sexually active. A recent Columbia University study found that > sexually active teens use more drugs. One might think social factors > alone lead to this correlation between drugs and sex, but when > scientists studied hamsters, they found that sexually-active hamsters > were much more susceptible to amphetamine addiction than their virgin > counterparts. This research brings me to another observation. Children, > or pre-teens have yet to activate this dopamine roller coaster, and they > possess a cheerful, optimistic enthusiasm for the simplest activities. > Perhaps this is due to balanced dopamine. > > Low Testosterone and the Coolidge Effect > > There is further evidence for the post-passion hangover. > > Sexually-satiated male rats take up to seven days to recover their full > desire for sex, although there is one way to jumpstart them, which > we'll get to in a moment. Research shows they experience a reduction > in testosterone receptors for up to a week, which may decrease that > " manly feeling. " If this happens in females, it would also reduce their > sexual desire. Low testosterone is associated with irritability and > anger. Serotonin and endorphin levels also rise in sexually-satiated > rats, which decrease dopamine and raise prolactin, respectively. > Remember, in humans, any such changes will cause you to project your > resulting mood changes onto your mate, which is just great…for > biology's agenda. > > Humans, like virtually all mammals, are not naturally monogamous. From > chimps to rats, the same neurochemical behaviors drive mammalian > behaviors, and it's driving them to be promiscuous. Is it likely > that Mr. and Mrs. Rodent are growing apart in their relationship? Could > the excitement be gone from their marriage? Perhaps Mrs. Chimp spends > far too much money, or nags too much. Maybe Mr. Chimp watches too much > football or doesn't help much with housework. Not likely. Just like > us, they have a program, triggered by mating, hard-wired into their > primitive brains, which biology uses to urge them tire of their mates > and move on to new mates. > > While the hangover is in effect, our higher brain proposes logical > reasons to explain our relationship disharmony. Orgasm is > natural…absolutely. But it may also be natural for both men and > women to sour on a mate, to suddenly find a spouse unattractive, > irritating, and wholly unreasonable. It may even be natural to become > wholly unreasonable and thus hasten the departure of a mate. > > Now we know that all of you are wondering about that sure-fire way to > jumpstart male rats' flagging libido. Perhaps you can already guess. All > you have to do is introduce a new, receptive female…. That may not > be the answer you were hoping for…or perhaps it was! > > Have you heard of the " Coolidge Effect? " Because that's what we're > addressing. Scientists have discovered that - after a frenzy of > copulation - a male rat will lose interest in a female. BUT should a new > female show up, he'll perk up long enough to service her. This > process can be continued until he practically dies of exhaustion. > …once again proving that biology doesn't give a > rat's…hindquarters about anything but propelling genes into the > future. The Coolidge Effect has been observed in every species tested, > and not just in males. Lady rodents prefer to seduce new guys, too. > > The Coolidge Effect just might play a role in human affairs as well. > Marnia once talked with a man who had stopped counting at 350 lovers. He > said, " I really don't understand it. I lost interest in all of them > sexually so quickly….and some of those women are really beautiful, > too. " > > The Coolidge Effect is linked to your post-orgasm hangover. The reason > the rat loses interest is that he's not getting any more dopamine > surge from Partner No. 1. No dopamine, no interest. The same thing > happens to humans. The thrill is gone, and Partner No. 1 looks like > Brussels sprouts. Now you're primed for anything that will jack up > your dopamine again. Partner No. 2 appears, and your dopamine soars. As > if by magic, your blues are gone, and you have that heady feeling of > anticipation, that sense of uninhibited aliveness. In short, No. 2 looks > like chocolate cake. > > What if No. 2 doesn't show, and you're left in the doldrums? > Unlike rats, you have many dopamine-raising possibilities - from > internet porn, gambling and alcohol - to the new dopamine agonists drug > companies are producing to light a fire under slumbering libidos. > > These " fixes " make you feel better briefly, but as far as your > well-being goes, they are like eating junk food…a net loss. > > Your primitive brain is not equipped to " get " that. It just keeps > rewarding you to do the same unrewarding things. A " fix " just positions > you for a continuous addictive cycle of highs, more lows, and a search > for more highs. Many of us spend much of our sex lives caught in this > cycle - with no obvious way out. > > > The Power of Oxytocin > > We have talked about how dopamine can break couples apart, but > there's also something holding couples together…at least at > first. The neurochemical that binds couples together is oxytocin, the > " cuddle hormone " or " bonding hormone. " Without it, we could not fall in > love. Falling in love is associated with a soup of neurochemicals - like > adrenaline, which makes your heart race, and dopamine, which makes you > crave your beloved. But the heartwarming, loving, " gushy " aspects of > love are due to oxytocin. It is the " unconditional love " hormone > associated with nurturing and generous affection. > > Oxytocin has various functions in the body, such as inducing labor > contractions and milk ejection, but from evolutionary biology's > perspective, its main evolutionary function is to bond us to our > children for life. It also serves to bond us to our mate…at least > long enough to produce a child and (if we're lucky) get it on its feet. > > Friendships are also built on oxytocin, and can be quite deep bonds. > Yet, what happens to friendships that turn into sexual relationships? > Often things change for the worse. When Harry Met Sally This change is > an excellent example of the neurochemical shift or hangover kicking in. > As things go sour, something is interfering with oxytocin's bonding > effects. > > The good news is that oxytocin is the loophole in biology's plans > for our love lives. This is the secret that the ancient sacred-sexuality > sages stumbled upon. Making love with lots of affection, without the > dopamine-driven highs and lows of conventional sex, seems to keep > oxytocin levels high. The more oxytocin you produce, the more receptive > you are to it. This is the opposite of dopamine. Addicts need more and > more of a drug, which, of course, which actually means they need more > and more dopamine. Luckily you don't need an ever-increasing " fix " > of oxytocin to maintain the same gushy feeling. In fact, your partner > just looks better and better…at least to you. This is why this > practice can strengthen your bond with your mate. > > When researchers injected oxytocin into the brain of a promiscuous breed > of rodent, it preferred familiar partners to unfamiliar partners. > Dopamine and its hangover are the keys to promiscuity, whereas oxytocin > is the key to monogamy. > > Oxytocin has huge benefits, both emotionally and physically. Oxytocin is > the answer to the question, " What is the mechanism by which love and > affection positively affect our health? " > > * Oxytocin reduces cravings. When scientists administered it to rodents > who were addicted to cocaine, morphine, or heroin, the rats opted for > less drugs, or showed fewer symptoms of withdrawal. (Kovacs, 1998) > * Oxytocin calms. A single rat injected with oxytocin has a calming > effect on a cage full of anxious rats. (Agren, 2002) > * This quality of oxytocin explains why companionship can increase > longevity - even among those who are HIV positive (Young, 2004). > dopamine high, followed by hangoverOr speed recovery: wounded hamsters > heal twice as fast when they are paired with a sibling, rather than left > in isolation (DeVries, 2004). > * It may also explain why, among various species of primates, > care-giving parents (whether male or female) live significantly longer. > (Cal Tech, 1998) > * Oxytocin appears be a major reason that SSRI's [Prozac-type drugs] > ease depression, perhaps because high levels of cortisol are the chief > culprits in depression and anxiety disorders. (Uvnas-Moberg, 1999) > * Oxytocin increases sexual receptivity and counteracts impotence, which > is why this other way of making love remains pleasurable. (Pedersen, > C.A., 2002), (Arletti, 1997) > > Again, notice that oxytocin reduces cravings and increases sexual > receptivity. This allows making love without orgasm to be completely > satisfying. The affection is always there, flowing between you and your > partner. When we tiptoe around dopamine's highs and lows, we > encourage more oxytocin receptors and actually re-wire our brain, > getting pleasure from a different cocktail of neurochemicals. > Understanding the power of oxytocin suggests how sexual relationships > can heal. > > > > > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm15c3BhY2UuY29tL3JhaW5ib2phbmd\ > sZXM=> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 13, 2007 Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 Yes it is necessary! If you would have asked me that 8 years ago I would have laughed myself into obilivian with an assurned NO. I think in some relationships when a medical reason stops loving making or the two agree that it just is not a mutual interest, to each their own. Did you see the guests on Oprah or was it Dr. Phil? A new and growing group of Americans choosing to not participate in sex and looking for mates that are of like mind. This was a difficult read for me because after 7 years of celibacy inside a marriage I don't know if I will ever be able to participate in this activity again. Learning to ride a bike is something you never forget...hmm they don't mention the fear of getting back on do they? Of course though I remain in this marriage celibacy IS NOT what I choose and I am very upset over it because I know how much it is needed to bond and connect with the person you are suppose to love more than any other. I will even go as far to say that I might be certifiable just for the lack of this one thing in my life alone...lol. If one person won't change to remedy the issues stopping this much needed form of love than I guess we make a choice or we live with it. I wouldn't wish the lack of it on any human being especially on a person that knew what it was like to reach the heights of this gift and then to find yourself wondering if it was some other life time or a past life instead. Is it possible that two people just are not meant to have a sexual relationship, wrong karma or whatever? We are house mates at best and marriage therapy is not changing it all. I want to study the LOA more to change this but something within tells me that for us it's just all wrong and that makes me so sad because we both have given the best we have to giv and parting seems painful in it's own ways. Thanks for letting me vent a little....this is a very painful part of my life that I usually don't allow to surface at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 13, 2007 Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 I've kind of been putting off this writing, and it has been at the back of my mind for a long while now. A lot of it because of your own situation and your want of a " work-around " . But in order to keep parts of the personal emails in regard to the issue, as private, while expressing possibilities to the ones already referred to, I will use simply a direct approach, some to answer your concerns, some from personal experience or knowledge, and some mixed in from others I have talked to or known. There is a lot of this that may not be agreed on by many who have certain views as to what relationships are and should be, and especially where sex is concerned. I will just try to open it up to a bigger level of understanding so more possibilities become apparent. So I write from that place of complete non judgment. In this, I can cover many letters from some of you, and answer questions some have been afraid to ask. First, get it out of your head that sex is something evil, negative or harmful. If anything at all, sex is the most natural, positive and beautiful thing in the human existence. I speak of sexual activity between consenting adults and humans, not with children, or animals or extremes. And other than molestations and sexual abuse, our first sexual experiences were almost always with ourselves. Masturbation, self touching or love, was our first venture into this thing called sex. We explored ourselves, at least body wise, and found it was pleasurable to do certain things. Depending on our upbringing, we found it to be evil and punishable, or allowed and pleasurable. Most learned or went along with the religious and social extremes that there was something wrong with it. Even when they went ahead and did it, there was guilt attached to it. So we hid it away, " we didn't/don't do that " . It is in the hiding, at whatever level, that we learned to " hurry " . We were looking for release, and the pleasure of the act, but to get it out of the way quickly. It's any wonder that we did anything differently after we met someone and had out first and subsequent sexual relationships. It was as if it was " finally ok " to have sex [in most cases], but frequency became the focus, over quality. But understand, none of the above is wrong. It is part of our learning process, and as we grow, experience and refine our ideas, we mature in our thinking and doing. Sex has always started out and been carried as an " act of the flesh " ...we see it as a pleasurable human act, yet, it is hugely a " spiritual act " . It is the coming together of spirit into one " state of being " . We keep trying to put our finger on what it will be like to die and merge with the " one spirit " , and it's always been right there in front of us...sex. The human act of flesh doesn't even come close to the real experience. That's why scared sex and tantric related sex is practiced more and more, because it borders on that exact thing. It becomes not about how many times you can have sex or how many times you can reach orgasm, but about the spiritual quality you can aspire to. You've heard of " paying yourself first " when investing or saving money...this is true...pay yourself first, everyone else can wait. If you pay everyone else first, you'll never have enough and will always be broke. A sexual relationship should be seen the same way. This is a big part of a relationship between two, and sometimes, more people. And sex is not entirely the act, but the romancing, the build up to the act...not as the finish line to get to but the point that it explodes, or melts in to. It starts and runs continually with how you talk to each other. It is in how you treat each other. It is what romancing is all about. Everyone knows those moments, and days, and weeks of giving your full attention to another. They over take you in your thoughts. You can't help but write poems and emails or letters. You can't help but trying to think up all the " little things " , that show how much attention your giving to the other. A card, flowers from out of the blue...and usually, almost always " just because " . That's where your sexual relationship should be...doing little things just because. I've never been in the position to pull off things I would do the way I wanted...and I've spent considerable time in my mind devising ways for everything. This is no exception. What do you think the woman I romance would say to me showing up on a white horse where she worked, actually riding into the offices, decked out in shining amour, sword at my side, flowers of every kind in my arms, and as I got down and removed my helmet of a knight, I knelled before " my lady " , bowing my head and offering my undying devotion? I haven't pulled this one off yet, but it's in the keeping your mind open to things you can do. It's the thinking of the other in all you do. It's in the little things, not just big ones. We don't need vacations to create honeymoons, no matter what else is going on around us...pay yourselves first. Now, what do you do when there are bigger issues such as physical or medical impairments? I will not try to cover them all here, and you should check with those more qualified to answer those questions where needed. One issue asked about was due to size. Where one or both may not be able to have sex in what may be called the normal or natural ways, there is always still a way. It may be as simple as positions that you will need to be in. It you like, several books exist at most bookstores and online that deal with multiple positions, one or more that may work for you. Don't assume you've tried them all. I've seen a lot of people do a lot of things, so, if there's a will, there will be a way. There is also mutual masturbation and pleasuring. Where the partners may be too big for comfortable positions, it may be that, at least as a bridging measure, they might pay attention to pleasuring each other in any number of ways, including with toys designed for such things. While there is much involved in the actual contact and union of intercourse, as well as many benefits and actions of the exchanges of fluids, there will be a lot to enjoy and a sharing of intimacy with understanding for each other and working with what you have. Where there is a problem in perhaps, the woman has little or no libido, or the man has an issue with erection, and/or maintaining one...the medical issues should be checked. Such things may be the result of medications presently taking, and depression medicines play a big part here...or could be associated with heart problems. Again, check medically should the problems be in this area. There was another posting that covered a lot of this you can check out. Another problem, and a recent question on another group was what if the guy is just " small " , or otherwise can't perform, perhaps because of injury. Let me tell you a little story here about how much a man can love a woman, and a lead in to yet another issue... There was a couple where the man was unable to perform with his wife because of an issue. His wife on the other hand had a very high sex drive and remained frustrated so spent a lot of time " taking care of it herself " . This caused an unintentional rift between the two until they stumbled upon something that even sexual therapists use with some patients having problems. But they knew nothing about that anyway. The man was not jealous as some men are, and his wife was very attractive. She didn't lack for any attention from men at all, but because she loved her husband she gave little regard to advances. It was after some thinking by the husband, and during some " helping " in some intimate moments with his wife, he had talked to her about allowing another man to take her to bed. This took a little time and discussion, but the reasoning was, that because he loved his wife so much, and because there was no jealousy, he wanted to give to his wife what he couldn't. He would simply watch, because he wanted to see her enjoy herself, and to him, it would be like watching himself do this. While there are many men and women who practice such a lifestyle due to the fantasy and the many levels it has, of which they knew little about till they started looking into what it might take to actually do it, they still took things slow, making sure that's what they really wanted to do. To shorten the story, they finally settled on someone and set up a date for it to happen. The guy they picked turned out to be very understanding, and not just another somebody looking to score with a married woman. The time was taken to make sure they were comfortable with each other and slowly let things happen. Needless to say, for the first time in a long while, the wife had a fantastic time...all the while talking to her husband, as he held her hand and talked and assured her as well. For the guy involved, this was rather new to him, as he had been with several wives before, where the husband loved to watch or join in. It was the second time together that it happened for the husband. He was holding her hand and telling her how wonderful she was, as they both began crying and telling each other how much they loved one another. As the guy began to notice what was taking place, he was able to get the husband to take more of the role back, and before it was over, the husband had re-acquired his ability for an erection, and performance because of the comfortable place they had reached in this " treatment " . Whatever the problem had been before, it had worked itself out, and the two went on to a better sexual relationship. Again, this is very much like what some sex therapists use to treat patients/couples, by bringing in another person. This is not to say this would work for those with these kinds of problems, as these relate to possible psychosomatic problems.But it would go to say that there are way, perhaps not yet considered that might be possible. And this is not to put in the same category as swinging. Swinging is more of a recreational sexual experience. You've heard of " friends with benefits " , well, this is what that is. Lots of couples express how this has put " more life " into their relationships, and cured such issues as jealousy, it is not for everyone, and not everyone who swings has a " good relationship " , and which this would certainly cause it more harm. While on such matter, I'll mention " polyamory " . This is not like the Mormon issue of many wives for a celestial union. Polyamory is the state of being, meaning " many loves " . In other words, it could be any combination of people who truly loved each other, and sex is just a loving part of the relationship. There is a lot of talk regarding the impossibility to love only one for life, and marriage has only really been around for a very short period of time. It's like saying a parent can only love one of their children, and not any others. It has always been about control of another person to be able to love and commit to only one. Now, I'm not saying rush out and find more people to have such a relationship with, but I am saying, stop judging what your relationship is and isn't, and certainly stop having it depend on what " others " say about it, or would think. It is the jealousy issue. We are afraid of losing control...of losing our " place " . When in truth, we should give our partners and ourselves the credit and dignity that it is possible to have unlimited love...Jealousy demands. It chokes, it implies ownership. This does not imply sexual free for all. What it's saying is love does not have limits, not should any be placed on it. If your happy with one other, that's great...and if the issue ever comes up where more might be involved, do you choke it off as " evil " , impossible, crazy? Why? You would be denying your own self of completion. You can also love deeply and sex never be an issue that becomes involved. But because a partner may fear that it would, your ability to love deeper can become impaired. What should happen is the ability to have a real and open dialog with each other or the ones concerned, with jealousy, or feelings of potential loss. Why not the possibilities of potential gain? I know that sounds confusing, I'm not pointing you one way or another. It's just that many do not fully express themselves and hold back. If you do it here especially, you will do it in many things. Again, because we have been taught to feel these things were wrong, evil, dirty, self-centered, self-indulgent, and a sin. We're still operating on old programming. I'm not telling you to drop what you've been doing and are comfortable with to pursue some new sexual path or experience. What I am saying is, don't be afraid to explore what will work for you. Sex and sexual relationships are a natural thing. There are no big rules to follow. Just common sense. There were a few questions from mail where the wife had many sexual relationships with men before, and some still doing so. First of all...stop judging yourself in these things. Second thing is, ask yourself what you may be getting, or have got out of those relationships. Was it just fun sex exploration? So what? Did you enjoy it.... Were you looking for attention? As a way to take back lost power from maybe an earlier sexual abuse? Looking for love, meaning there was some connection that sex equaled love? There is nothing wrong with sex for sex sake...it was made to be fun and exciting. But there is a deeper reason and experience in sexual relationships that should be worked towards. Look, I don't care if your a hooker, a nymph, a " hot wife " , a swinger, or a housewife who only has sex once a month...regardless of frequency, type, position or reasons...sex is an expression of our deeper issues and experiencing of life. Start by asking why you do what you do...what you get out of it, and what you'd like to experience with it. These are the things you should be opening up to your partner about. Pay attention to the sex your having. Be it just regular sex, role playing, fantasy play or sex for any other reason, there is something being communicated on all kinds of levels. Try to pay attention to these things. By paying attention to both yourself and your partner, you'll learn much more. Much of the problem in this area will go straight to this inattention of what your body and your inner being is really saying...listen. I didn't cover a lot of things here but hope this will help the ones it was for. I'm not sex expert, and this is one of those kinds of things that no two can be perfect in going over in this manner. But I will say, there is a way to have a sexual relationship with deeper meaning and pleasurable experience, and to do so without guilt or shame...without stressing or emotional turmoil. Give yourself credit for having the answers within yourself that are right for you. Heal the sexual in your life and you heal much, as so much stems from this one thing. With Love, D~ --- In , " ouellette " <hisalone@...> wrote: > > Yes it is necessary! If you would have asked me that 8 years ago I would have laughed myself into obilivian with an assurned NO. I think in some relationships when a medical reason stops loving making or the two agree that it just is not a mutual interest, to each their own. Did you see the guests on Oprah or was it Dr. Phil? A new and growing group of Americans choosing to not participate in sex and looking for mates that are of like mind. > This was a difficult read for me because after 7 years of celibacy inside a marriage I don't know if I will ever be able to participate in this activity again. Learning to ride a bike is something you never forget...hmm they don't mention the fear of getting back on do they? Of course though I remain in this marriage celibacy IS NOT what I choose and I am very upset over it because I know how much it is needed to bond and connect with the person you are suppose to love more than any other. I will even go as far to say that I might be certifiable just for the lack of this one thing in my life alone...lol. If one person won't change to remedy the issues stopping this much needed form of love than I guess we make a choice or we live with it. I wouldn't wish the lack of it on any human being especially on a person that knew what it was like to reach the heights of this gift and then to find yourself wondering if it was some other life time or a past life instead. > > Is it possible that two people just are not meant to have a sexual relationship, wrong karma or whatever? We are house mates at best and marriage therapy is not changing it all. I want to study the LOA more to change this but something within tells me that for us it's just all wrong and that makes me so sad because we both have given the best we have to giv and parting seems painful in it's own ways. > > Thanks for letting me vent a little....this is a very painful part of my life that I usually don't allow to surface at all. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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