Dearest Family - Low Tide

[Guest guest]

With every ounce of guilt and shame in me I am pushing it aside to

write this...or maybe it's pride. I don't want to be the baby here,

the one that knows the skills and still doesn't apply them. If

applying them was simple I'd be a mystic by now with the knowledge I

do have already. I read and read and understand and take it in and

here I am again...in low tide with moments of thunderous rolling seas.

It's as if all of this is too much to take in and I know I read

someone telling Sheila to take it one day at a time. I've always been

the one that wants to swim a marathon before I've ever trained to do

so and this is no exception. I am so angry so damn angry at myself,

why do I keep myself at this level, why can't I stop the negative

emotions, the sadness, the depression, the grief, the loneliness, the

physical pain. I am so tired of these pills, so tired of muscle pain

and joint pain and not being able to wear clothes or sit at a table or

even keep a normal job. I've been at peace for a week and the first

day that things start to calm down in my home I have an anxiety attack.

Tomorrow is my husbands first day off work since this big move and my

first day and I find myself not being able to breathe right tonight, a

feeling of something not feeling right, I feel sick, I don't belong

here. I sat long enough to think of what was bothering me. It's the

doctor visits tomorrow, the marriage therapy session tomorrow and this

awful feeling I can't rid my heart of....I feel lonely, lonely for

love. I don't get hugs, kisses, no touch whatsoever it's as if I live

with a room mate and I am not married at all. It hurts, it hurts to

know how many years this has been happening. Not only do I need this

but I need it from someone that I can feel it from, NOT HIM. Now and

then we hug or kiss but I don't think either of us feel a thing. I

could kiss my computer and get more out of it. I'm angry....I know you

all are offering me tons of advice and real things to do like lists

and things but this is way beyond such things at least it feels that

way this moment. I want to cry forever and the tears don't come they

start and fade away. I want love from my spouce but not from him and

it only makes me feel worse that I don't want it from him, he hurts me

too much. I feel like a zombie numb and going through life half awake.

I fear aging so badly and keep forgetting this is one of my major

fears. I can't sleep sometimes for fear I'll waste another hour and

see another wrinkle. I am not sure there is an after life and i have

this constant fear of getting older, getting sicker, seeing my mother

pass away...I can't bear the thought of one more ounce of physical

pain. I can't do it anymore...I'm exhausted...the pain never ends it

enver dies down, it messes with my mind and tears and swells the

tissue in my body. Immune suppressants and lidocaine patches, pills

and more pills and it's for life they say. My bone mass is

disappearing in my jaw joints and both hips bursa joints are inflamed

down both legs, I can't afford the shots to make it stop...I don't

want to tell anymore.

I see time slipping away, nothing happening, me making more

mistakes...I just simply can't write anymore...im out of words...there

is just too much pain...I don't want to be in this life or in this

body anymore it causes me too much pain if its not my brain it's

muscles spasming relentlessly. I cherish life, I cherish people,

nature you name it and I love life but my brain and my body are dying

each day a slow death....I feel it and I can't gain the strength to

make it stop therefore I want to stop it so I don't have to see it,

feel it or watch it happen or have my own children watch it happen. I

can't make believe ...this is real, I can't fake away physical pain, I

can't fake away a loveless marriage, I can't fake away a mind and

heart that ceases to angst all with self effort. I can't muster a

shower or a treadmill walk that I pay 100 bucks for a month and never

use, how on earth can I keep speaking and thinking positive?

I'm gonna say it again, I'm sorry....I feel like such a burden and I

want to slap myself out of reality and into this dream state you all

speak of but I've been trying to do it far longer than you know. I

have the tools so why can't I make it work.....I don't have love in my

life and I'm sick to death of blaming myself for it. There really is

such a thing as being surrounded by loveless people and I don't have

the strength to leave because I know I am just like them and will only

draw more of the same. I can't run from me and that is why I think of

silencing my brain forever...I need to stop now. I had such a

wonderful dream the other day why this yoyo I don't get it...I can't

handle it. I just looked at my clock and its been way way too long

since I took my pain meds...I drop in mood like that I forgot. Well I

will send this anyway because its more of an example of the pain that

lingers behind the codeine. Yes I am scared to death of pain and you

would too if you had endured it for 15 years 24/7 before someone

finally listened. It took a very near suicide to get doctors to

finally reach out and offer some pain relief. I wait 15 years to

finally make a point hahahaha. It's so hard to get through the highs

and lows of pain ebbing away and them coming back in. I'm suppose to

be on methodone so I don't have the pain come back in but I refuse to

go on that stuff so I am stuck keeping a diary and remembering to take

meds every 5 hours. I'm whining...lol...okay I took my pill and should

be better in an hour enough that I won't be thinking of my inner pain

so much. I must look like a gal that doesn't have the slightest clue

what love really is. That may be true on some levels but I sure was a

good mother and I've been a loving daughter, they might make

statements now and then contrary but I know better because these are

the two things in my life that I gave my all and then more than that.

I'm so lonely for affection excuse my honesty. Can anyone tell me

please where all this negativity comes from? Is it from self? Words

spoken by parents or others in my life? A combo of them all, Demons,

Satan, please don't tell me it's my own brain because if it is...I'm

stuck back at 30 something years of getting no where again and I don't

know how to begin to believe it will change after that length of

time.I could go into silly things about how Anne deserved to

whine or half a million other people but that would only crucify me

more. I know you all are trying and your love got through this week at

least I felt it did..did you all fall asleep or something lmao....just

kidding lol....