Re: On The Bridge Across Forever, I Took The Service Road

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

I know we do not chat together but I do so enjoy reading your

posts. This post in particular struck me as such a wonderful gift of

sharing of where you have been and reading other posts where are you

are. I read how thoughtful you are with many people whom you speak

with in this family. Your words are so full of wisdom. At times, I

say to myself, WOW, he put so eloquently exactly what I was

thinking. I know that my writing is a simpler writing, in no way am

I putting myself down, love, I just feel it is so amazing how your

posts are full of such sage advice. I write poetry when I have deep

emotions and that is my best time to write. I truly feel you have a

gift with your writing. The love you show, the compassion, the true

and genuine caring you show for each and every response to messages

to you make me feel so blessed to " know " you. I have so been wanting

to connect with you, dear brother, for I feel you are so special. I

at times feel, Should I say this, How would my family react to

that...I am learning here that EVERYONE loves me unconditionally and

it feels wonderful. I wish to extend my hand out to hold EVERY

PERSON'S HAND in this family. You have all touched me in your very

unique and blessed ways and I feel such a deep respect for you all!!

Thank you all for your love and I wish the utmost peace and love and

light to all of my family. You are all so special to me! LUNA

>

> Speaking from experience is one thing. Bringing another into our own

> experience, well, that is something else entirely. We have these

> experiences inside of us, always there, always somehow a part of

us. A

> good many of them remain buried there, even from ourselves, as much

as

> possible.

>

> Even those close to us, that we come to trust, we don't always

reveal

> some of the details of the darker experiences. We find it hard to

look

> at them, and we can not understand how revealing such things could

> possibly help us. We fear judgments...we fear ourselves...for who

judges

> more harshly than ourselves?

>

> I have my own things I'd rather keep where they are. I like better

the

> me I have become, am becoming in this journey. I think we are

beginning

> to find that to be true. I am also seeing that it makes no

difference

> what kind of life someone has had, how well things may have been for

> them, if they have never experienced many of the things others

have, or

> found themselves having somehow experienced just about everything

that

> can be experienced...all have a deeper part of themselves that they

> wished was not there, something they would liked to have been

different.

>

> If you just happen to be one whose life has been absolute

perfection,

> without experience of anything that wasn't absolute love, I must

commend

> you, and bow gracefully...for I would have stumbled upon an angel. I

> would have stumbled upon absolute perfection and beauty, something

we

> all are working to move towards. If this is you...then I listen

humbly

> for the deeper secrets of the universe....you are here to teach

that,

> are you not?

>

> Until you step forward so that I may fully become aware...I must go

with

> what I learn and experience, in the many ways that it comes. And so

far,

> very much of that has come out of less than loving experiences. I

think,

> for most, this is true...and we have decided that, we will choose

the

> better feelings...the better way...the refined experiences. For we

are

> never who we were before, with each passing moment we become

> refined...re-molded.

>

> As the cells in our body die off, they are replaced by new ones, new

> life...a new us. Memory is retained in the cells. It is with love

that

> we can change a cells structure and make up...it is how " miracles "

seem

> to happen, because love and light is brought to bare on the memory

> embedded in the cells...and they are transformed. A memory dictates

to

> the cell what it must be and become. Until we over ride the

command, and

> the memory...and give it a new thought.

>

> Want to cure someone of cancer? Literally, send loving thoughts into

> that cell, or group of cells...by thought. Send it new

commands...focus

> intent into the effected area. In religious circles they talk of

faith

> in a thing being so...this is the same...we love, by thought, we

inject

> it...we change it, and we know that it will be so. We see it as

already

> whole and healthy.

>

> Having faith is one thing...believing in what is not yet seen...but

the

> next step is KNOWING. You refuse to dis-empower a thought by

believing

> anything other than the truth of the matter...you have faith in the

> outcome...but you do so with such spirit that YOU KNOW IT. This is

part

> of what's meant, " to know thyself " . If you truly would believe in

just

> how powerful you are...you would know...absolutely....and that is

> something you can have faith in.

>

> This was suppose to be a revealing of sorts, and I'm already off

track

> again. I have always found it may be difficult to speak or write on

many

> subjects, because, honestly, for anyone to come to an understanding

of

> what I'm referring to, I needed to point to the sources of

> information...how I came to certain conclusions...the experiences

> backing many of them...in what order did I believe one thing, and

then

> another. I just couldn't spill something, regardless of what it was,

> without paving the way. Then I'd get lost in circles of explaining

each

> segment...and that was confusing to me, little on others.

>

> I still do it, but, I'm getting a little better at keeping

close...it

> takes work...lots of it.

>

> So I try to explain in normal, simple, conversation, and then let it

> take it's own path...and I never really know where it leads me. It

seems

> that maybe the universe decides how it should flow, and to

whom...maybe

> just to me.

>

> That's why I repeat the sentence... " take what you like, and leave

the

> rest " . Use what you can, let another take what they may...maybe it's

> never meant to be for only one. I think maybe that's more of the

case.

>

> I have died many many times...

>

> I'm not talking past lives, I'm talking this one. I have come to

deaths

> door more times than I can remember, and I have sat here and tried

to

> list many of them. A good many of

> those..................................I choose to have it end.

>

>

> Why would anyone decide " enough was enough " ? How much pain does it

take

> for that to become a possibility? What gives anyone the right to

come to

> such a conclusion?

>

> I can't really recall all the times, and I do remember there were

many,

> as a child, of those things, you could only call miracles, that

> happened, and kept us kids safe, just beyond something harmful that

> would have happened. We believed we were under " God's Protection " of

> course, and in truth in a way. Being the case, we must have worn

out a

> good share of guardian angels.

>

> Most of these won't be in any certain order time wise, but I'll do

my

> best. I remember several times in my hitch-hiking to and from

school and

> work, in my high school years, of having guns pulled on

me...somehow, it

> always ended up as a drunks joke and it was laughed off, and I made

it

> home ok. I don't think I ever gave it a lot of thought...not till

much

> later on anyway. I wasn't a naive kid, even if i was someways

sheltered

> growing up, to the exclusion of the religion I grew up

in...where " we

> were the one true religion " , and we had better be ready " when the

end

> came " , as it would be our only protection...lots of fear in that

kind of

> life...but having a gun pulled on me didn't seem to bother me. it

must

> have...maybe I had already built up a certain barrier, amour,

against

> the world. After all, for years we had stood still for

> beatings...without tears, because crying always was a reason for

another

> whipping. If " spare the rod spoil the child " was the way....it can

never

> be said I was spoiled.

>

> Maybe, just maybe, as brutal and non-human as that was...it did

give me

> a survival instinct that has saved my life many times. I could,

somehow,

> read most people, instantly. Not that you always follow those when

other

> things are going on...or your depressed, or dead tired.

>

> Another time, I was driving my car, a '66 Chevy Chevelle...oh man,

what

> a car...I loved that little thing... I was making a left hand turn,

and

> had on coming traffic. It was at the bottom of a hill, and then I

hear

> something like a demon coming out of hell, tires screeching...a car

> having just topped the hill, moving fast. I was maybe an eighth of a

> mile away when he locked up the car, but only mere seconds were

> involved...no sooner than I glanced in my rear view mirror, moved my

> foot from brake to accelerator to move out of the way fast...he hit

me.

> The police report showed later that at the time of impact, he was in

> excess of 68 miles an hour...and I was at a dead stop. He was

driving a

> small little Celica.

>

> I got out, after having braced for what I knew was going to be bad,

> completely unharmed. looking at my car, i didn't see how. The entire

> rear end had been curled up under the car, around the wheels, still

> fully inflated, and sitting on the trunk...as if the trunk had been

made

> like that. For a car with that much steel...that took some doing.

But

> then I was noticing the guy in the other car...shaken to be

sure...but

> not a scratch. Even his car was ok, he was able to drive

away...with on

> a loose radiator. He should have been through the windshield and

half

> way up the road. The police that showed up thought we both were just

> witnesses, and could not believe we were the ones involved.

>

> There were many other such accidents, maybe they will come back to

me as

> i write.

>

> I remember a time in Abilene, Texas. I was there with my first wife,

> staying in a little motel, as i was doing high rise construction

work on

> the 23 story bank building there. I had went across the street to a

> super store there, and was just coming back across...I notice

> everything, I always have...and this was no different. The road was

> clear, a four-lane with a turn lane in the middle. I had just about

> reached the turn lane, still checking traffic in all directions,

> everything fine, and kept walking. About then, I hear this, what

sounds

> like a crash, screaming tires coming to a halt, and I

> looked.....around....and down....at my thigh and leg, which someone

had

> decided to park their bumper against.

>

> There was no more pressure than if I had deliberately pushed my leg

> against the car. I looked down, then at the driver, who was white

as a

> ghost. My first reaction was something like " what the hell " ?...My

> second, was to see if the guy was ok. He looked more torn up over it

> than I was. it turns out, he had never took his foot off the gas

> petal...he never saw me, and was coming from across the street,

rushing

> to get across the road before cars came along. He swears the car

just

> locked up, and he asked me was the girl ok....what girl...he says

he saw

> a girl with me. I'm thinking like " shut up " ...this get back to my

wife

> and she's going to come unglued...lol...what girl. He finally got

> himself together and went on, as did I, never mentioning it

again...till

> now.

>

> I remember a time hitch-hiking, somewhere outside L.A., heading

towards

> palm Springs, on my way back to the south east. I was tired, dead

tire.

> I had wasted a few days at one exit and truck stop...just couldn't

pick

> up a ride...it's the middle of no where, out of money, hadn't slept

in

> forever, and it was damned cold at night, surviving in a bathroom

under

> the blow dryer to get heat, sleeping with one eye open, acting like

I

> belonged when a trucker would walk through.

>

> I had enough and if I had to walk all the way to the next exit,

over 200

> miles away, so be it. You don't turn down a lot of rides in that

kind of

> situation...I took the first one. This guy was so strung out on coke

> that he was trippin' big...he needed to get to Phoenix, and could

get me

> that far. Kewl...better than I thought, and, well, at 90 miles an

hour,

> that wouldn't take long....maybe it was just the warm car...but I

was

> soon fast asleep. One thing I normally would not do in such a

> circumstance.

> It must have been an hour, and I woke to a hand on my leg, moving

to my

> crotch, I think it was the " squeeze " that jolted me awake...and how

my

> hand already knew about the glass coke bottle under the seat, I'm

not

> sure, but i gave him one choice, let me out NOW, or die at 100

miles an

> hour, I didn't much care which. He had that car at a stand still in

2

> seconds...I looked at him, threw the bottle in the floorboard, and

> simply said, " I think I can handle it from here " . Very calm huh?

And i

> was for about the first mile i was walking, and suddenly burst out

> laughing and maybe even crying at the same time....even then, I

think I

> had the passing though, someday....someday, this is going to be a

> book...someday, I'll laugh about all this stuff.

>

> I was sitting in a car in Denver, having just quit my job, didn't

want

> to go " home " just yet...having trouble in my relationship already,

this

> was going to really spin it out of control...I knew that. Here I was

> sitting behind a diner/motel, just off the interstate @ I-

25...about 3

> in the morning. I figured, smoke a few cigarettes, and lay down till

> dawn...I'd worry with everything then. Just about that time, I

notice

> this guy crossing the back fence. I had the window cracked just a

bit,

> as it was cold outside, and i was blowing smoke. I keep noticing

him, as

> he slowly moves closer, somehow knowing he was coming my way, to me.

> Something about the way he was walking, or looking

> around...something....and as he got to the car window, trying to

motion

> for me to let the window down, moving a hand to his mouth as in

asking

> for an extra smoke...something didn't feel right, as his other hand

was

> slowly coming out of his pocket, little by little.

>

> And just as I was moving my hand to the handle, not to let the

window

> down, but to shove the door open with all the force i could, as i

began

> to see the handle of the gun start to come out, he tensed up, as a

> police cruiser slowly came around back and parked, so they could go

in

> to eat...all at the same time, this guy moving back, turning

around, and

> walking away. I sat there, almost unmoved by the whole thing, as if,

> maybe, I didn't expect any other outcome to such a thing...I let it

go,

> again, till now.

>

> I've already mentioned in a few stories back, about the woman and

her

> kids in the car coming into L.A., and wondering about what would

have

> happened had I not been there at the time.

>

> There's a lot more of these, but will leave them for now...this has

> grown longer than I intended.

>

> I started out about how this was a revealing into me deciding about

my

> life...see how things just jump up and decide differently, and take

> their own way? I'll get to that in the next edition of this...maybe

this

> part needed to come first.

>

> Maybe it has a deeper meaning, in that, for those needing to, that

> writing about things, can lead to a deeper knowing of ourselves,

and a

> remembering. All of us have deeper stories to tell...this may well

be

> the one place it's ok to go exploring those deeper parts...to come

to a

> remembering of them, and to share them.

>

> I use to think, " how boring " , who, in their right minds, would want

to

> hear such crap...As far as I was concerned, it was a pretty much

boring

> life, with lots and lots of mistakes. I'm beginning to think now,

they

> were experiences designed to be written, at a later time, so that,

> maybe, it would be helpful to others to see, that their own lives

are

> never what we believed them to be....it is much more....you are much

> more.

>

>

> With Love,

> D~

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Rhondie,

You are such a sweetie. I was thinkin of you tonight, I

watched an amazing band I had not heard of til a friend gave me a

video he taped of them from PBS! It is the Australian Pink Floyd!

OMG!!!! They are so awesome!! Have you had the pleasure of seeing

them in concert?? Has any of my family here seen them? If you are a

Floyd fan, they do Floyd such justice, wow!! The song " Great Gig in

the Sky " is just amazing and they have a giant Kangaroo as well as a

giant boar, hehe Like Floyd's giant pig...This was a ramble at the

end but a hey how are you Rhondie, and I am glad the weather is not

cold but, wow, yes, I am thinkin the same, where did Spring go?

hehe Love and light to you, dear sister!! Namaste, LUNA

> >

> > Speaking from experience is one thing. Bringing another into our

own

> > experience, well, that is something else entirely. We have these

> > experiences inside of us, always there, always somehow a part of

> us. A

> > good many of them remain buried there, even from ourselves, as

much

> as

> > possible.

> >

> > Even those close to us, that we come to trust, we don't always

> reveal

> > some of the details of the darker experiences. We find it hard to

> look

> > at them, and we can not understand how revealing such things could

> > possibly help us. We fear judgments... we fear ourselves... for

who

> judges

> > more harshly than ourselves?

> >

> > I have my own things I'd rather keep where they are. I like

better

> the

> > me I have become, am becoming in this journey. I think we are

> beginning

> > to find that to be true. I am also seeing that it makes no

> difference

> > what kind of life someone has had, how well things may have been

for

> > them, if they have never experienced many of the things others

> have, or

> > found themselves having somehow experienced just about everything

> that

> > can be experienced. ..all have a deeper part of themselves that

they

> > wished was not there, something they would liked to have been

> different.

> >

> > If you just happen to be one whose life has been absolute

> perfection,

> > without experience of anything that wasn't absolute love, I must

> commend

> > you, and bow gracefully.. .for I would have stumbled upon an

angel. I

> > would have stumbled upon absolute perfection and beauty,

something

> we

> > all are working to move towards. If this is you...then I listen

> humbly

> > for the deeper secrets of the universe.... you are here to teach

> that,

> > are you not?

> >

> > Until you step forward so that I may fully become aware...I must

go

> with

> > what I learn and experience, in the many ways that it comes. And

so

> far,

> > very much of that has come out of less than loving experiences. I

> think,

> > for most, this is true...and we have decided that, we will choose

> the

> > better feelings...the better way...the refined experiences. For

we

> are

> > never who we were before, with each passing moment we become

> > refined...re- molded.

> >

> > As the cells in our body die off, they are replaced by new ones,

new

> > life...a new us. Memory is retained in the cells. It is with love

> that

> > we can change a cells structure and make up...it is

how " miracles "

> seem

> > to happen, because love and light is brought to bare on the memory

> > embedded in the cells...and they are transformed. A memory

dictates

> to

> > the cell what it must be and become. Until we over ride the

> command, and

> > the memory...and give it a new thought.

> >

> > Want to cure someone of cancer? Literally, send loving thoughts

into

> > that cell, or group of cells...by thought. Send it new

> commands...focus

> > intent into the effected area. In religious circles they talk of

> faith

> > in a thing being so...this is the same...we love, by thought, we

> inject

> > it...we change it, and we know that it will be so. We see it as

> already

> > whole and healthy.

> >

> > Having faith is one thing...believing in what is not yet

seen...but

> the

> > next step is KNOWING. You refuse to dis-empower a thought by

> believing

> > anything other than the truth of the matter...you have faith in

the

> > outcome...but you do so with such spirit that YOU KNOW IT. This

is

> part

> > of what's meant, " to know thyself " . If you truly would believe in

> just

> > how powerful you are...you would know...absolutely. ...and that is

> > something you can have faith in.

> >

> > This was suppose to be a revealing of sorts, and I'm already off

> track

> > again. I have always found it may be difficult to speak or write

on

> many

> > subjects, because, honestly, for anyone to come to an

understanding

> of

> > what I'm referring to, I needed to point to the sources of

> > information. ..how I came to certain conclusions. ..the

experiences

> > backing many of them...in what order did I believe one thing, and

> then

> > another. I just couldn't spill something, regardless of what it

was,

> > without paving the way. Then I'd get lost in circles of

explaining

> each

> > segment...and that was confusing to me, little on others.

> >

> > I still do it, but, I'm getting a little better at keeping

> close...it

> > takes work...lots of it.

> >

> > So I try to explain in normal, simple, conversation, and then let

it

> > take it's own path...and I never really know where it leads me.

It

> seems

> > that maybe the universe decides how it should flow, and to

> whom...maybe

> > just to me.

> >

> > That's why I repeat the sentence... " take what you like, and

leave

> the

> > rest " . Use what you can, let another take what they may...maybe

it's

> > never meant to be for only one. I think maybe that's more of the

> case.

> >

> > I have died many many times...

> >

> > I'm not talking past lives, I'm talking this one. I have come to

> deaths

> > door more times than I can remember, and I have sat here and

tried

> to

> > list many of them. A good many of

> > those....... ......... ......... ......... I choose to have it

end.

> >

> >

> > Why would anyone decide " enough was enough " ? How much pain does

it

> take

> > for that to become a possibility? What gives anyone the right to

> come to

> > such a conclusion?

> >

> > I can't really recall all the times, and I do remember there were

> many,

> > as a child, of those things, you could only call miracles, that

> > happened, and kept us kids safe, just beyond something harmful

that

> > would have happened. We believed we were under " God's Protection "

of

> > course, and in truth in a way. Being the case, we must have worn

> out a

> > good share of guardian angels.

> >

> > Most of these won't be in any certain order time wise, but I'll

do

> my

> > best. I remember several times in my hitch-hiking to and from

> school and

> > work, in my high school years, of having guns pulled on

> me...somehow, it

> > always ended up as a drunks joke and it was laughed off, and I

made

> it

> > home ok. I don't think I ever gave it a lot of thought...not till

> much

> > later on anyway. I wasn't a naive kid, even if i was someways

> sheltered

> > growing up, to the exclusion of the religion I grew up

> in...where " we

> > were the one true religion " , and we had better be ready " when the

> end

> > came " , as it would be our only protection.. .lots of fear in that

> kind of

> > life...but having a gun pulled on me didn't seem to bother me. it

> must

> > have...maybe I had already built up a certain barrier, amour,

> against

> > the world. After all, for years we had stood still for

> > beatings...without tears, because crying always was a reason for

> another

> > whipping. If " spare the rod spoil the child " was the way....it

can

> never

> > be said I was spoiled.

> >

> > Maybe, just maybe, as brutal and non-human as that was...it did

> give me

> > a survival instinct that has saved my life many times. I could,

> somehow,

> > read most people, instantly. Not that you always follow those

when

> other

> > things are going on...or your depressed, or dead tired.

> >

> > Another time, I was driving my car, a '66 Chevy Chevelle...oh

man,

> what

> > a car...I loved that little thing... I was making a left hand

turn,

> and

> > had on coming traffic. It was at the bottom of a hill, and then I

> hear

> > something like a demon coming out of hell, tires screeching.. .a

car

> > having just topped the hill, moving fast. I was maybe an eighth

of a

> > mile away when he locked up the car, but only mere seconds were

> > involved...no sooner than I glanced in my rear view mirror, moved

my

> > foot from brake to accelerator to move out of the way fast...he

hit

> me.

> > The police report showed later that at the time of impact, he was

in

> > excess of 68 miles an hour...and I was at a dead stop. He was

> driving a

> > small little Celica.

> >

> > I got out, after having braced for what I knew was going to be

bad,

> > completely unharmed. looking at my car, i didn't see how. The

entire

> > rear end had been curled up under the car, around the wheels,

still

> > fully inflated, and sitting on the trunk...as if the trunk had

been

> made

> > like that. For a car with that much steel...that took some doing.

> But

> > then I was noticing the guy in the other car...shaken to be

> sure...but

> > not a scratch. Even his car was ok, he was able to drive

> away...with on

> > a loose radiator. He should have been through the windshield and

> half

> > way up the road. The police that showed up thought we both were

just

> > witnesses, and could not believe we were the ones involved.

> >

> > There were many other such accidents, maybe they will come back

to

> me as

> > i write.

> >

> > I remember a time in Abilene, Texas. I was there with my first

wife,

> > staying in a little motel, as i was doing high rise construction

> work on

> > the 23 story bank building there. I had went across the street to

a

> > super store there, and was just coming back across...I notice

> > everything, I always have...and this was no different. The road

was

> > clear, a four-lane with a turn lane in the middle. I had just

about

> > reached the turn lane, still checking traffic in all directions,

> > everything fine, and kept walking. About then, I hear this, what

> sounds

> > like a crash, screaming tires coming to a halt, and I

> > looked.....around. ...and down....at my thigh and leg, which

someone

> had

> > decided to park their bumper against.

> >

> > There was no more pressure than if I had deliberately pushed my

leg

> > against the car. I looked down, then at the driver, who was white

> as a

> > ghost. My first reaction was something like " what the hell " ?...My

> > second, was to see if the guy was ok. He looked more torn up over

it

> > than I was. it turns out, he had never took his foot off the gas

> > petal...he never saw me, and was coming from across the street,

> rushing

> > to get across the road before cars came along. He swears the car

> just

> > locked up, and he asked me was the girl ok....what girl...he says

> he saw

> > a girl with me. I'm thinking like " shut up " ...this get back to my

> wife

> > and she's going to come unglued...lol. ..what girl. He finally got

> > himself together and went on, as did I, never mentioning it

> again...till

> > now.

> >

> > I remember a time hitch-hiking, somewhere outside L.A., heading

> towards

> > palm Springs, on my way back to the south east. I was tired, dead

> tire.

> > I had wasted a few days at one exit and truck stop...just

couldn't

> pick

> > up a ride...it's the middle of no where, out of money, hadn't

slept

> in

> > forever, and it was damned cold at night, surviving in a bathroom

> under

> > the blow dryer to get heat, sleeping with one eye open, acting

like

> I

> > belonged when a trucker would walk through.

> >

> > I had enough and if I had to walk all the way to the next exit,

> over 200

> > miles away, so be it. You don't turn down a lot of rides in that

> kind of

> > situation... I took the first one. This guy was so strung out on

coke

> > that he was trippin' big...he needed to get to Phoenix, and could

> get me

> > that far. Kewl...better than I thought, and, well, at 90 miles an

> hour,

> > that wouldn't take long....maybe it was just the warm car...but I

> was

> > soon fast asleep. One thing I normally would not do in such a

> > circumstance.

> > It must have been an hour, and I woke to a hand on my leg, moving

> to my

> > crotch, I think it was the " squeeze " that jolted me awake...and

how

> my

> > hand already knew about the glass coke bottle under the seat, I'm

> not

> > sure, but i gave him one choice, let me out NOW, or die at 100

> miles an

> > hour, I didn't much care which. He had that car at a stand still

in

> 2

> > seconds...I looked at him, threw the bottle in the floorboard, and

> > simply said, " I think I can handle it from here " . Very calm huh?

> And i

> > was for about the first mile i was walking, and suddenly burst out

> > laughing and maybe even crying at the same time....even then, I

> think I

> > had the passing though, someday....someday, this is going to be a

> > book...someday, I'll laugh about all this stuff.

> >

> > I was sitting in a car in Denver, having just quit my job, didn't

> want

> > to go " home " just yet...having trouble in my relationship

already,

> this

> > was going to really spin it out of control...I knew that. Here I

was

> > sitting behind a diner/motel, just off the interstate @ I-

> 25...about 3

> > in the morning. I figured, smoke a few cigarettes, and lay down

till

> > dawn...I'd worry with everything then. Just about that time, I

> notice

> > this guy crossing the back fence. I had the window cracked just a

> bit,

> > as it was cold outside, and i was blowing smoke. I keep noticing

> him, as

> > he slowly moves closer, somehow knowing he was coming my way, to

me.

> > Something about the way he was walking, or looking

> > around...something. ...and as he got to the car window, trying to

> motion

> > for me to let the window down, moving a hand to his mouth as in

> asking

> > for an extra smoke...something didn't feel right, as his other

hand

> was

> > slowly coming out of his pocket, little by little.

> >

> > And just as I was moving my hand to the handle, not to let the

> window

> > down, but to shove the door open with all the force i could, as i

> began

> > to see the handle of the gun start to come out, he tensed up, as a

> > police cruiser slowly came around back and parked, so they could

go

> in

> > to eat...all at the same time, this guy moving back, turning

> around, and

> > walking away. I sat there, almost unmoved by the whole thing, as

if,

> > maybe, I didn't expect any other outcome to such a thing...I let

it

> go,

> > again, till now.

> >

> > I've already mentioned in a few stories back, about the woman and

> her

> > kids in the car coming into L.A., and wondering about what would

> have

> > happened had I not been there at the time.

> >

> > There's a lot more of these, but will leave them for now...this

has

> > grown longer than I intended.

> >

> > I started out about how this was a revealing into me deciding

about

> my

> > life...see how things just jump up and decide differently, and

take

> > their own way? I'll get to that in the next edition of

this...maybe

> this

> > part needed to come first.

> >

> > Maybe it has a deeper meaning, in that, for those needing to, that

> > writing about things, can lead to a deeper knowing of ourselves,

> and a

> > remembering. All of us have deeper stories to tell...this may

well

> be

> > the one place it's ok to go exploring those deeper parts...to

come

> to a

> > remembering of them, and to share them.

> >

> > I use to think, " how boring " , who, in their right minds, would

want

> to

> > hear such crap...As far as I was concerned, it was a pretty much

> boring

> > life, with lots and lots of mistakes. I'm beginning to think now,

> they

> > were experiences designed to be written, at a later time, so that,

> > maybe, it would be helpful to others to see, that their own lives

> are

> > never what we believed them to be....it is much more....you are

much

> > more.

> >

> >

> > With Love,

> > D~

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join 's

user panel and lay it on us.

http://surveylink./gmrs/_panel_invite.asp?a=7

>

[Guest guest]

,

I missed this post somehow. I tend to avoid long ones even though it's

exactly what I unintentionally serve up myself ;-). I read through

this as if I was reading your life story and knowing it was only

snippets of all the things that have led to who you are.

Thank you for sharing this and helping me see that it is okay to write

from the heart. At times I will begin to write something short and

unbeknown to me a river of hidden things flow through my keys. You

however write so masterfully, enough to get the point across but not

so far as to overwhelm, a true gift! I must say you have been through

many experiences, amazingly so indeed. Well I for one am honored to

learn more about you and am touched by your candor and view on this

thing called, living and loving. I enjoy all the nuggest of wisdom you

offer as well as the rest of this family. It might take hearing the

same thing 200 times but I will learn to apply it....

@{-------

--- In , " " <knightsintention@...>

wrote:

>

> Speaking from experience is one thing. Bringing another into our own

> experience, well, that is something else entirely. We have these

> experiences inside of us, always there, always somehow a part of us. A

> good many of them remain buried there, even from ourselves, as much as

> possible.

>

> Even those close to us, that we come to trust, we don't always reveal

> some of the details of the darker experiences. We find it hard to look

> at them, and we can not understand how revealing such things could

> possibly help us. We fear judgments...we fear ourselves...for who judges

> more harshly than ourselves?

>

> I have my own things I'd rather keep where they are. I like better the

> me I have become, am becoming in this journey. I think we are beginning

> to find that to be true. I am also seeing that it makes no difference

> what kind of life someone has had, how well things may have been for

> them, if they have never experienced many of the things others have, or

> found themselves having somehow experienced just about everything that

> can be experienced...all have a deeper part of themselves that they

> wished was not there, something they would liked to have been different.

>

> If you just happen to be one whose life has been absolute perfection,

> without experience of anything that wasn't absolute love, I must commend

> you, and bow gracefully...for I would have stumbled upon an angel. I

> would have stumbled upon absolute perfection and beauty, something we

> all are working to move towards. If this is you...then I listen humbly

> for the deeper secrets of the universe....you are here to teach that,

> are you not?

>

> Until you step forward so that I may fully become aware...I must go with

> what I learn and experience, in the many ways that it comes. And so far,

> very much of that has come out of less than loving experiences. I think,

> for most, this is true...and we have decided that, we will choose the

> better feelings...the better way...the refined experiences. For we are

> never who we were before, with each passing moment we become

> refined...re-molded.

>

> As the cells in our body die off, they are replaced by new ones, new

> life...a new us. Memory is retained in the cells. It is with love that

> we can change a cells structure and make up...it is how " miracles " seem

> to happen, because love and light is brought to bare on the memory

> embedded in the cells...and they are transformed. A memory dictates to

> the cell what it must be and become. Until we over ride the command, and

> the memory...and give it a new thought.

>

> Want to cure someone of cancer? Literally, send loving thoughts into

> that cell, or group of cells...by thought. Send it new commands...focus

> intent into the effected area. In religious circles they talk of faith

> in a thing being so...this is the same...we love, by thought, we inject

> it...we change it, and we know that it will be so. We see it as already

> whole and healthy.

>

> Having faith is one thing...believing in what is not yet seen...but the

> next step is KNOWING. You refuse to dis-empower a thought by believing

> anything other than the truth of the matter...you have faith in the

> outcome...but you do so with such spirit that YOU KNOW IT. This is part

> of what's meant, " to know thyself " . If you truly would believe in just

> how powerful you are...you would know...absolutely....and that is

> something you can have faith in.

>

> This was suppose to be a revealing of sorts, and I'm already off track

> again. I have always found it may be difficult to speak or write on many

> subjects, because, honestly, for anyone to come to an understanding of

> what I'm referring to, I needed to point to the sources of

> information...how I came to certain conclusions...the experiences

> backing many of them...in what order did I believe one thing, and then

> another. I just couldn't spill something, regardless of what it was,

> without paving the way. Then I'd get lost in circles of explaining each

> segment...and that was confusing to me, little on others.

>

> I still do it, but, I'm getting a little better at keeping close...it

> takes work...lots of it.

>

> So I try to explain in normal, simple, conversation, and then let it

> take it's own path...and I never really know where it leads me. It seems

> that maybe the universe decides how it should flow, and to whom...maybe

> just to me.

>

> That's why I repeat the sentence... " take what you like, and leave the

> rest " . Use what you can, let another take what they may...maybe it's

> never meant to be for only one. I think maybe that's more of the case.

>

> I have died many many times...

>

> I'm not talking past lives, I'm talking this one. I have come to deaths

> door more times than I can remember, and I have sat here and tried to

> list many of them. A good many of

> those..................................I choose to have it end.

>

>

> Why would anyone decide " enough was enough " ? How much pain does it take

> for that to become a possibility? What gives anyone the right to come to

> such a conclusion?

>

> I can't really recall all the times, and I do remember there were many,

> as a child, of those things, you could only call miracles, that

> happened, and kept us kids safe, just beyond something harmful that

> would have happened. We believed we were under " God's Protection " of

> course, and in truth in a way. Being the case, we must have worn out a

> good share of guardian angels.

>

> Most of these won't be in any certain order time wise, but I'll do my

> best. I remember several times in my hitch-hiking to and from school and

> work, in my high school years, of having guns pulled on me...somehow, it

> always ended up as a drunks joke and it was laughed off, and I made it

> home ok. I don't think I ever gave it a lot of thought...not till much

> later on anyway. I wasn't a naive kid, even if i was someways sheltered

> growing up, to the exclusion of the religion I grew up in...where " we

> were the one true religion " , and we had better be ready " when the end

> came " , as it would be our only protection...lots of fear in that kind of

> life...but having a gun pulled on me didn't seem to bother me. it must

> have...maybe I had already built up a certain barrier, amour, against

> the world. After all, for years we had stood still for

> beatings...without tears, because crying always was a reason for another

> whipping. If " spare the rod spoil the child " was the way....it can never

> be said I was spoiled.

>

> Maybe, just maybe, as brutal and non-human as that was...it did give me

> a survival instinct that has saved my life many times. I could, somehow,

> read most people, instantly. Not that you always follow those when other

> things are going on...or your depressed, or dead tired.

>

> Another time, I was driving my car, a '66 Chevy Chevelle...oh man, what

> a car...I loved that little thing... I was making a left hand turn, and

> had on coming traffic. It was at the bottom of a hill, and then I hear

> something like a demon coming out of hell, tires screeching...a car

> having just topped the hill, moving fast. I was maybe an eighth of a

> mile away when he locked up the car, but only mere seconds were

> involved...no sooner than I glanced in my rear view mirror, moved my

> foot from brake to accelerator to move out of the way fast...he hit me.

> The police report showed later that at the time of impact, he was in

> excess of 68 miles an hour...and I was at a dead stop. He was driving a

> small little Celica.

>

> I got out, after having braced for what I knew was going to be bad,

> completely unharmed. looking at my car, i didn't see how. The entire

> rear end had been curled up under the car, around the wheels, still

> fully inflated, and sitting on the trunk...as if the trunk had been made

> like that. For a car with that much steel...that took some doing. But

> then I was noticing the guy in the other car...shaken to be sure...but

> not a scratch. Even his car was ok, he was able to drive away...with on

> a loose radiator. He should have been through the windshield and half

> way up the road. The police that showed up thought we both were just

> witnesses, and could not believe we were the ones involved.

>

> There were many other such accidents, maybe they will come back to me as

> i write.

>

> I remember a time in Abilene, Texas. I was there with my first wife,

> staying in a little motel, as i was doing high rise construction work on

> the 23 story bank building there. I had went across the street to a

> super store there, and was just coming back across...I notice

> everything, I always have...and this was no different. The road was

> clear, a four-lane with a turn lane in the middle. I had just about

> reached the turn lane, still checking traffic in all directions,

> everything fine, and kept walking. About then, I hear this, what sounds

> like a crash, screaming tires coming to a halt, and I

> looked.....around....and down....at my thigh and leg, which someone had

> decided to park their bumper against.

>

> There was no more pressure than if I had deliberately pushed my leg

> against the car. I looked down, then at the driver, who was white as a

> ghost. My first reaction was something like " what the hell " ?...My

> second, was to see if the guy was ok. He looked more torn up over it

> than I was. it turns out, he had never took his foot off the gas

> petal...he never saw me, and was coming from across the street, rushing

> to get across the road before cars came along. He swears the car just

> locked up, and he asked me was the girl ok....what girl...he says he saw

> a girl with me. I'm thinking like " shut up " ...this get back to my wife

> and she's going to come unglued...lol...what girl. He finally got

> himself together and went on, as did I, never mentioning it again...till

> now.

>

> I remember a time hitch-hiking, somewhere outside L.A., heading towards

> palm Springs, on my way back to the south east. I was tired, dead tire.

> I had wasted a few days at one exit and truck stop...just couldn't pick

> up a ride...it's the middle of no where, out of money, hadn't slept in

> forever, and it was damned cold at night, surviving in a bathroom under

> the blow dryer to get heat, sleeping with one eye open, acting like I

> belonged when a trucker would walk through.

>

> I had enough and if I had to walk all the way to the next exit, over 200

> miles away, so be it. You don't turn down a lot of rides in that kind of

> situation...I took the first one. This guy was so strung out on coke

> that he was trippin' big...he needed to get to Phoenix, and could get me

> that far. Kewl...better than I thought, and, well, at 90 miles an hour,

> that wouldn't take long....maybe it was just the warm car...but I was

> soon fast asleep. One thing I normally would not do in such a

> circumstance.

> It must have been an hour, and I woke to a hand on my leg, moving to my

> crotch, I think it was the " squeeze " that jolted me awake...and how my

> hand already knew about the glass coke bottle under the seat, I'm not

> sure, but i gave him one choice, let me out NOW, or die at 100 miles an

> hour, I didn't much care which. He had that car at a stand still in 2

> seconds...I looked at him, threw the bottle in the floorboard, and

> simply said, " I think I can handle it from here " . Very calm huh? And i

> was for about the first mile i was walking, and suddenly burst out

> laughing and maybe even crying at the same time....even then, I think I

> had the passing though, someday....someday, this is going to be a

> book...someday, I'll laugh about all this stuff.

>

> I was sitting in a car in Denver, having just quit my job, didn't want

> to go " home " just yet...having trouble in my relationship already, this

> was going to really spin it out of control...I knew that. Here I was

> sitting behind a diner/motel, just off the interstate @ I-25...about 3

> in the morning. I figured, smoke a few cigarettes, and lay down till

> dawn...I'd worry with everything then. Just about that time, I notice

> this guy crossing the back fence. I had the window cracked just a bit,

> as it was cold outside, and i was blowing smoke. I keep noticing him, as

> he slowly moves closer, somehow knowing he was coming my way, to me.

> Something about the way he was walking, or looking

> around...something....and as he got to the car window, trying to motion

> for me to let the window down, moving a hand to his mouth as in asking

> for an extra smoke...something didn't feel right, as his other hand was

> slowly coming out of his pocket, little by little.

>

> And just as I was moving my hand to the handle, not to let the window

> down, but to shove the door open with all the force i could, as i began

> to see the handle of the gun start to come out, he tensed up, as a

> police cruiser slowly came around back and parked, so they could go in

> to eat...all at the same time, this guy moving back, turning around, and

> walking away. I sat there, almost unmoved by the whole thing, as if,

> maybe, I didn't expect any other outcome to such a thing...I let it go,

> again, till now.

>

> I've already mentioned in a few stories back, about the woman and her

> kids in the car coming into L.A., and wondering about what would have

> happened had I not been there at the time.

>

> There's a lot more of these, but will leave them for now...this has

> grown longer than I intended.

>

> I started out about how this was a revealing into me deciding about my

> life...see how things just jump up and decide differently, and take

> their own way? I'll get to that in the next edition of this...maybe this

> part needed to come first.

>

> Maybe it has a deeper meaning, in that, for those needing to, that

> writing about things, can lead to a deeper knowing of ourselves, and a

> remembering. All of us have deeper stories to tell...this may well be

> the one place it's ok to go exploring those deeper parts...to come to a

> remembering of them, and to share them.

>

> I use to think, " how boring " , who, in their right minds, would want to

> hear such crap...As far as I was concerned, it was a pretty much boring

> life, with lots and lots of mistakes. I'm beginning to think now, they

> were experiences designed to be written, at a later time, so that,

> maybe, it would be helpful to others to see, that their own lives are

> never what we believed them to be....it is much more....you are much

> more.

>

>

> With Love,

> D~

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you ....

Just write as if your talking to anyone else...to someone who does

nothing but willing to listen...who will not interrupt you, or give

judgment or some other view. This is what writing is all about.

Before grunts were understood, writing, although more an art form, was

the base of communication, and bringing the inside out. It is by bring

out what lay within, that it gets to experience a whole new life.

They say dance like no ones watching...I say, write like no one will

ever read it...but in the way, as if talking directly to another

" you " ...your not held back...let it go.

The only other step from here is to share what you wish...that may be

the bigger step, but the one that truly makes the connection complete.

You see, you are already " the masterpiece " ....just use words to frame

the you that you find. And one other little trick...if you can take the

most painful or negative thing that ever comes out and laugh at it...you

can also make others laugh about it...and that my dear, is the masterful

art of transmuting energy. Laughter and humor will melt rocks.

Love D~

> >

> > Speaking from experience is one thing. Bringing another into our own

> > experience, well, that is something else entirely. We have these

> > experiences inside of us, always there, always somehow a part of us.

A

> > good many of them remain buried there, even from ourselves, as much

as

> > possible.

> >

> > Even those close to us, that we come to trust, we don't always

reveal

> > some of the details of the darker experiences. We find it hard to

look

> > at them, and we can not understand how revealing such things could

> > possibly help us. We fear judgments...we fear ourselves...for who

judges

> > more harshly than ourselves?

> >

> > I have my own things I'd rather keep where they are. I like better

the

> > me I have become, am becoming in this journey. I think we are

beginning

> > to find that to be true. I am also seeing that it makes no

difference

> > what kind of life someone has had, how well things may have been for

> > them, if they have never experienced many of the things others have,

or

> > found themselves having somehow experienced just about everything

that

> > can be experienced...all have a deeper part of themselves that they

> > wished was not there, something they would liked to have been

different.

> >

> > If you just happen to be one whose life has been absolute

perfection,

> > without experience of anything that wasn't absolute love, I must

commend

> > you, and bow gracefully...for I would have stumbled upon an angel. I

> > would have stumbled upon absolute perfection and beauty, something

we

> > all are working to move towards. If this is you...then I listen

humbly

> > for the deeper secrets of the universe....you are here to teach

that,

> > are you not?

> >

> > Until you step forward so that I may fully become aware...I must go

with

> > what I learn and experience, in the many ways that it comes. And so

far,

> > very much of that has come out of less than loving experiences. I

think,

> > for most, this is true...and we have decided that, we will choose

the

> > better feelings...the better way...the refined experiences. For we

are

> > never who we were before, with each passing moment we become

> > refined...re-molded.

> >

> > As the cells in our body die off, they are replaced by new ones, new

> > life...a new us. Memory is retained in the cells. It is with love

that

> > we can change a cells structure and make up...it is how " miracles "

seem

> > to happen, because love and light is brought to bare on the memory

> > embedded in the cells...and they are transformed. A memory dictates

to

> > the cell what it must be and become. Until we over ride the command,

and

> > the memory...and give it a new thought.

> >

> > Want to cure someone of cancer? Literally, send loving thoughts into

> > that cell, or group of cells...by thought. Send it new

commands...focus

> > intent into the effected area. In religious circles they talk of

faith

> > in a thing being so...this is the same...we love, by thought, we

inject

> > it...we change it, and we know that it will be so. We see it as

already

> > whole and healthy.

> >

> > Having faith is one thing...believing in what is not yet seen...but

the

> > next step is KNOWING. You refuse to dis-empower a thought by

believing

> > anything other than the truth of the matter...you have faith in the

> > outcome...but you do so with such spirit that YOU KNOW IT. This is

part

> > of what's meant, " to know thyself " . If you truly would believe in

just

> > how powerful you are...you would know...absolutely....and that is

> > something you can have faith in.

> >

> > This was suppose to be a revealing of sorts, and I'm already off

track

> > again. I have always found it may be difficult to speak or write on

many

> > subjects, because, honestly, for anyone to come to an understanding

of

> > what I'm referring to, I needed to point to the sources of

> > information...how I came to certain conclusions...the experiences

> > backing many of them...in what order did I believe one thing, and

then

> > another. I just couldn't spill something, regardless of what it was,

> > without paving the way. Then I'd get lost in circles of explaining

each

> > segment...and that was confusing to me, little on others.

> >

> > I still do it, but, I'm getting a little better at keeping

close...it

> > takes work...lots of it.

> >

> > So I try to explain in normal, simple, conversation, and then let it

> > take it's own path...and I never really know where it leads me. It

seems

> > that maybe the universe decides how it should flow, and to

whom...maybe

> > just to me.

> >

> > That's why I repeat the sentence... " take what you like, and leave

the

> > rest " . Use what you can, let another take what they may...maybe it's

> > never meant to be for only one. I think maybe that's more of the

case.

> >

> > I have died many many times...

> >

> > I'm not talking past lives, I'm talking this one. I have come to

deaths

> > door more times than I can remember, and I have sat here and tried

to

> > list many of them. A good many of

> > those..................................I choose to have it end.

> >

> >

> > Why would anyone decide " enough was enough " ? How much pain does it

take

> > for that to become a possibility? What gives anyone the right to

come to

> > such a conclusion?

> >

> > I can't really recall all the times, and I do remember there were

many,

> > as a child, of those things, you could only call miracles, that

> > happened, and kept us kids safe, just beyond something harmful that

> > would have happened. We believed we were under " God's Protection " of

> > course, and in truth in a way. Being the case, we must have worn out

a

> > good share of guardian angels.

> >

> > Most of these won't be in any certain order time wise, but I'll do

my

> > best. I remember several times in my hitch-hiking to and from school

and

> > work, in my high school years, of having guns pulled on

me...somehow, it

> > always ended up as a drunks joke and it was laughed off, and I made

it

> > home ok. I don't think I ever gave it a lot of thought...not till

much

> > later on anyway. I wasn't a naive kid, even if i was someways

sheltered

> > growing up, to the exclusion of the religion I grew up in...where

" we

> > were the one true religion " , and we had better be ready " when the

end

> > came " , as it would be our only protection...lots of fear in that

kind of

> > life...but having a gun pulled on me didn't seem to bother me. it

must

> > have...maybe I had already built up a certain barrier, amour,

against

> > the world. After all, for years we had stood still for

> > beatings...without tears, because crying always was a reason for

another

> > whipping. If " spare the rod spoil the child " was the way....it can

never

> > be said I was spoiled.

> >

> > Maybe, just maybe, as brutal and non-human as that was...it did give

me

> > a survival instinct that has saved my life many times. I could,

somehow,

> > read most people, instantly. Not that you always follow those when

other

> > things are going on...or your depressed, or dead tired.

> >

> > Another time, I was driving my car, a '66 Chevy Chevelle...oh man,

what

> > a car...I loved that little thing... I was making a left hand turn,

and

> > had on coming traffic. It was at the bottom of a hill, and then I

hear

> > something like a demon coming out of hell, tires screeching...a car

> > having just topped the hill, moving fast. I was maybe an eighth of a

> > mile away when he locked up the car, but only mere seconds were

> > involved...no sooner than I glanced in my rear view mirror, moved my

> > foot from brake to accelerator to move out of the way fast...he hit

me.

> > The police report showed later that at the time of impact, he was in

> > excess of 68 miles an hour...and I was at a dead stop. He was

driving a

> > small little Celica.

> >

> > I got out, after having braced for what I knew was going to be bad,

> > completely unharmed. looking at my car, i didn't see how. The entire

> > rear end had been curled up under the car, around the wheels, still

> > fully inflated, and sitting on the trunk...as if the trunk had been

made

> > like that. For a car with that much steel...that took some doing.

But

> > then I was noticing the guy in the other car...shaken to be

sure...but

> > not a scratch. Even his car was ok, he was able to drive away...with

on

> > a loose radiator. He should have been through the windshield and

half

> > way up the road. The police that showed up thought we both were just

> > witnesses, and could not believe we were the ones involved.

> >

> > There were many other such accidents, maybe they will come back to

me as

> > i write.

> >

> > I remember a time in Abilene, Texas. I was there with my first wife,

> > staying in a little motel, as i was doing high rise construction

work on

> > the 23 story bank building there. I had went across the street to a

> > super store there, and was just coming back across...I notice

> > everything, I always have...and this was no different. The road was

> > clear, a four-lane with a turn lane in the middle. I had just about

> > reached the turn lane, still checking traffic in all directions,

> > everything fine, and kept walking. About then, I hear this, what

sounds

> > like a crash, screaming tires coming to a halt, and I

> > looked.....around....and down....at my thigh and leg, which someone

had

> > decided to park their bumper against.

> >

> > There was no more pressure than if I had deliberately pushed my leg

> > against the car. I looked down, then at the driver, who was white as

a

> > ghost. My first reaction was something like " what the hell " ?...My

> > second, was to see if the guy was ok. He looked more torn up over it

> > than I was. it turns out, he had never took his foot off the gas

> > petal...he never saw me, and was coming from across the street,

rushing

> > to get across the road before cars came along. He swears the car

just

> > locked up, and he asked me was the girl ok....what girl...he says he

saw

> > a girl with me. I'm thinking like " shut up " ...this get back to my

wife

> > and she's going to come unglued...lol...what girl. He finally got

> > himself together and went on, as did I, never mentioning it

again...till

> > now.

> >

> > I remember a time hitch-hiking, somewhere outside L.A., heading

towards

> > palm Springs, on my way back to the south east. I was tired, dead

tire.

> > I had wasted a few days at one exit and truck stop...just couldn't

pick

> > up a ride...it's the middle of no where, out of money, hadn't slept

in

> > forever, and it was damned cold at night, surviving in a bathroom

under

> > the blow dryer to get heat, sleeping with one eye open, acting like

I

> > belonged when a trucker would walk through.

> >

> > I had enough and if I had to walk all the way to the next exit, over

200

> > miles away, so be it. You don't turn down a lot of rides in that

kind of

> > situation...I took the first one. This guy was so strung out on coke

> > that he was trippin' big...he needed to get to Phoenix, and could

get me

> > that far. Kewl...better than I thought, and, well, at 90 miles an

hour,

> > that wouldn't take long....maybe it was just the warm car...but I

was

> > soon fast asleep. One thing I normally would not do in such a

> > circumstance.

> > It must have been an hour, and I woke to a hand on my leg, moving to

my

> > crotch, I think it was the " squeeze " that jolted me awake...and how

my

> > hand already knew about the glass coke bottle under the seat, I'm

not

> > sure, but i gave him one choice, let me out NOW, or die at 100 miles

an

> > hour, I didn't much care which. He had that car at a stand still in

2

> > seconds...I looked at him, threw the bottle in the floorboard, and

> > simply said, " I think I can handle it from here " . Very calm huh? And

i

> > was for about the first mile i was walking, and suddenly burst out

> > laughing and maybe even crying at the same time....even then, I

think I

> > had the passing though, someday....someday, this is going to be a

> > book...someday, I'll laugh about all this stuff.

> >

> > I was sitting in a car in Denver, having just quit my job, didn't

want

> > to go " home " just yet...having trouble in my relationship already,

this

> > was going to really spin it out of control...I knew that. Here I was

> > sitting behind a diner/motel, just off the interstate @ I-25...about

3

> > in the morning. I figured, smoke a few cigarettes, and lay down till

> > dawn...I'd worry with everything then. Just about that time, I

notice

> > this guy crossing the back fence. I had the window cracked just a

bit,

> > as it was cold outside, and i was blowing smoke. I keep noticing

him, as

> > he slowly moves closer, somehow knowing he was coming my way, to me.

> > Something about the way he was walking, or looking

> > around...something....and as he got to the car window, trying to

motion

> > for me to let the window down, moving a hand to his mouth as in

asking

> > for an extra smoke...something didn't feel right, as his other hand

was

> > slowly coming out of his pocket, little by little.

> >

> > And just as I was moving my hand to the handle, not to let the

window

> > down, but to shove the door open with all the force i could, as i

began

> > to see the handle of the gun start to come out, he tensed up, as a

> > police cruiser slowly came around back and parked, so they could go

in

> > to eat...all at the same time, this guy moving back, turning around,

and

> > walking away. I sat there, almost unmoved by the whole thing, as if,

> > maybe, I didn't expect any other outcome to such a thing...I let it

go,

> > again, till now.

> >

> > I've already mentioned in a few stories back, about the woman and

her

> > kids in the car coming into L.A., and wondering about what would

have

> > happened had I not been there at the time.

> >

> > There's a lot more of these, but will leave them for now...this has

> > grown longer than I intended.

> >

> > I started out about how this was a revealing into me deciding about

my

> > life...see how things just jump up and decide differently, and take

> > their own way? I'll get to that in the next edition of this...maybe

this

> > part needed to come first.

> >

> > Maybe it has a deeper meaning, in that, for those needing to, that

> > writing about things, can lead to a deeper knowing of ourselves, and

a

> > remembering. All of us have deeper stories to tell...this may well

be

> > the one place it's ok to go exploring those deeper parts...to come

to a

> > remembering of them, and to share them.

> >

> > I use to think, " how boring " , who, in their right minds, would want

to

> > hear such crap...As far as I was concerned, it was a pretty much

boring

> > life, with lots and lots of mistakes. I'm beginning to think now,

they

> > were experiences designed to be written, at a later time, so that,

> > maybe, it would be helpful to others to see, that their own lives

are

> > never what we believed them to be....it is much more....you are much

> > more.

> >

> >

> > With Love,

> > D~

> >

>