How to deal with a partner with Asperger's Syndrome

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January 20, 2008

Offra Gerstein, Relationship Matters: How to deal with a partner with

Asperger's Syndrome

Sentinel Staff Report

Many adults, some of whom are not even aware of having neurological

diagnosis, exhibit behaviors that are perplexing to others. Partners

of people with Asperger's syndrome are often very frustrated,

confused and at a loss to affect change in their relationship with

their mates.

Asperger's syndrome AS, first described in 1940s by a Viennese

physician, Hans Asperger, is a neurological disorder within the

category of autism. It took 50 years before it was described in the

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual published by the American

Psychiatric Association in 1994. It has, therefore, been a short time

since professionals and parents gained a greater understanding of

this condition and that programs have been created to help children

with AS. Many adults with AS and their partners have suffered greatly

with little available help.

Understanding is the first key to alleviating the distress people

with Asperger's Syndrome AS and their families have experience.

Barbara L. Kirby, co-author of " The Oasis Guide To Asperger

Syndrome, " described it as follows: " Individuals with AS can exhibit

a variety of characteristics and the disorder can range from mild to

severe. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills,

have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness.

They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a

particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty

reading nonverbal cues body language and very often the individual

with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly

sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS

may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or

lights no one else seems to hear or see. It's important to remember

that the person with AS perceives the world very differently.

Therefore, many behaviors that seem odd or unusual are due to those

neurological differences and not the result of intentional rudeness

or bad behavior, and most certainly not the result of 'improper

parenting.' "

There are many individuals who do not have the full AS, but exhibit

some traits of this syndrome. There are also people who may appear to

have some Asperger traits but do not actually posses this

neurological condition. The diagnosis of AS is best made by

professionals.

Partners of people with AS often find their mate's difficulty with

reading social cues as a troublesome condition. It is hard for them

to understand how their very bright mate can misperceive what is

meant, is conversationally awkward or struggles with humor that

ordinary people appreciate. Partners often assume that this is a

deliberately offensive behavior and are embarrassed by it. Partners

often find that " correcting " the mate is unfruitful. With time, they

begin to decline social invitations and become secluded.

At home, the person with AS also seems quite different. He/she may

have unique eating habits, is exceptional sensitive to various

stimuli and exhibits inappropriate boundaries in being too close or

distant from others.

As between other pairs, adjustment to cohabiting is a learned

transition. However, with individuals with AS few changes occur as

they seem to be inflexible and non-cooperative, despite their high

intellect. This is very confusing and frustrating to the partner.

Unless the mate understands the nature of AS, it is easy to become

angry, overwhelmed and even resentful of the partner who seems to be

a good individual, yet not a traditional partner or lover. It is hard

for a mate to process the disparity between very high functioning in

creative and intellectual areas and below average processing of

ordinary life tasks.

• Accept that your partner's idiosyncrasies are neurological, not

intentionally designed to frustrate you. Treat him/her with kindness,

even when you are annoyed. Getting angry only overwhelms your mate

and compounds the dissonance between you.

• Understand that these limitations are the complementary attributes

to those you truly appreciate. For example, the 'absent minded

professor' often characterizes a person of high intelligence and

creativity, such as Einstein and Newton. You may cherish him/her for

those attributes.

• Learn as much as you can about Asperger Syndrome to better

understand the traits associated with it. There are helpful books

such as: " The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, " by Tony

Attwood, online information, organizations, as well as professionals

who specialize in autism.

• Remind yourself at times of exasperation that you may be challenged

in your relationship tasks, but you are also blessed with a unique

and special mate whom you love.