Sad rant

[Guest guest]

Okay people, as many of you may know I'm 22 with autism/Asperger's diagnosed

at age 20 and then again at 21. I always thought that it was a good thing

that I wasn't a young child because that would've meant 40 hours of

intensive make-her-normal ABA therapy a week...but was all when I was in

outpaitnet treatment with an understanding nurse who knew autism and lived

in a place where the staff knew autism...not now that I am in inpatient

" treatment " (they say I don't need treatment but am here because I fell

apart at home) in a general psychiatric hospital where most people are

clueless about autism and treat me like I have a behavior disorder. Will

have " treatment " plan discussion in 2 weeks and had a time-out policy

introduced 2 1/2 weeks ago (that they put me into time-out room when i

meltdown but they just use it as a threat cause they know I'm so scared of

time-out that I will instantly shut up when they threaten to put me there)

and not had major meltdowns since, so I expect the " you're doing so well

thanks to the time-out policy " bullshit again...well I am NOT doing well I

am just shutting up and I'm not sure whether the reason is the time-out

policy or the fact that we revised my meltdown action plan a few days later.

And the worst is I expect the bullshit to come from my doctor, who has not

bothered to ask me how I am in half a year (cause she claims I don't need

treatment) and the times I've had her informed how I was doign, she put it

straight into the ignore box, and she's only seen me for 5 minutes sicne the

last " treatment " plan, and during these 5 minutes she just told me that the

time-out thing would be put into place.

I am still surviving...and if I give up it will just cost me my privileges

and I am no longer able to connect with my online friends cause I have no

Internet access in the hospital so need privileges to go home...if I still

have my home, cause I am quite likely to lose it maybe as early as August 1.

No way that if I fall apart that anyone will help me get me back

together...they'll just punish me (they say it's not meant as punishment but

it comes across)...so I can't fall apart...and when I'm not falling apart

they say I'm fine and don't need help. Well really they are just clueless

about autism and unwilling to do anythign about it...but it's obviously all

my " fault " .

I'm getting so stressed out but as long as I don't meltdown, it's all

fine...and when I do meltdown, duh, put me into time-out room and you don't

need to deal with it. I am overloaded all the time, can't stop worrying

about the strangest things even when " distracting " myself (that is the magic

cure for everything in psych hospital), sleep problems and consequently not

feeling well in the day...none of this together makes up a DSM label they

can deal with. Duh! I know, I don't have any popular psych ward diagnosis

and I don't need one, but that is not the same as saying I am FINE...a few

months ago my doctor put into a " treatment " plan that I was stable and

everything I experienced was due to the Asperger's...at the time I

interpreted it to mean that I was no longer suicidal (I'd been hospitalized

cause I was), but now that I've been here for 8 months, I know that

everything I have is either due to the Asperger's or " will go away when

we've figured out placement " (which we did a month ago but I may've ruined

with a bad meltdown a week later, and if they mean that I am actually in

suitable placement, it may take over a year from now and I cannot oversee

such a long timeframe and worry that everything will be gone by the end of

2008)...both are dead end statemetns that mean that the staff here don't

need to bother with it... I'm tempted to tell them " my meltdowns are due to

my Asperger's and/or will go away when we've figured out placement, just

accept them! " cause that's essentially what they are telling me all the time

(I don't even bother to tell a nurse that I'm dealing with these problems,

let alone my doctor - last time I did I was told in my face that I had been

doing alright until a week before then)...

I feel so alone in dealing with all this...if I didn't lose my home (and I

am certainly going to lose it even if it's not Aug 1 than in the near future

cause it's student housing and I'm not in college), I would return there...I

know that any attempt at " attention seeking " (ie. making clear that I'm not

doing well) is ignored if it's an appropriate way of doing it and punished

if it's an inappropriate way (or I never did it the appropriate way in all

of these 8 months, but then I don't know what the appropriate way is)...why

do I need to be in a hospital when the only thing they do for me is expect

me to survive...I could deal with this for 6 months (okay couldn't, was

hospitalized after 3 months) when expecting to get better, but I can't deal

with it for a year with the idea that I might get better when I'm in new

plaement a year from now. Now I'm told that I do better and they mean it as

a compliment, but I would suggest they compliment me on having learned to

hide my feelings better. But okay, I knew that psych hospital was nothing

more than locking you up and punishing you for not keeping up until you

pretend that you do keep up for long enough to be moved to a better ward

where they don't have time-out rooms and you can stay as long as you pretend

to keep up...I've almost been moved at least 5 times and never went...and

they are saying I don't need treatment! Which means: we have no clue how to

actually help you because we are utterly ignorant about autism and we don't

care about this cause this is not the right placement for you (but we keep

you for 8 months and counting anyway because you are too bad to go anywhere

else) and as long as you are here (or on that other ward, they are clueless

about autism there too, I assume) we just expect you to keep up and you just

need to accept that you've been doing badly for a year now and will do badly

for at least another year and get out of my way now cause you're wating the

time that I could be spending on patients that I knew how to help and if you

meltdown we will put you itno time-out. Oh and if you survive this, it's

obvious tha tyou're not autistic cause a real autistic would've broken down

in a situation like this - oh well, no-oen said so, but I expect to have my

diagnosis taken away at some point and replaced with disruptive behavior

disorder NOS. I wish I knew how to get all of this bad stuff to stop...but I

only know maladaptive coping mechanisms or " distractions " , but I pretty much

spend 24/7 " distracting " myself and the maladaptive responses will obvioulsy

get me into time-out and/or if they're too bad cost me my privileges... And

I know that the appropriate things, or at least what I used to think was

appropriate, are not working...I am so desperate. I am seriously overloaded

and have been for a year now, at least this badly - I've felt some overload

as in " no matter what, I always feel that I'm having too much on my plate "

for many years -, and I'm being told I should just accept that it may be

another year. Well I would accept it in a heartbeat if I *could*. But I feel

that I'm falling apart...only in these eigh tmontsh in hospital I have

learned that showing it will cost you privileges and/or get you locked up

into time-out.

Astrid

astrid@...

http://www.astridvanwoerkom.com/

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