Re:My Pain In Shame

September 2, 2007

; AND ALL....

As I read your story, it feels like my insides are being pulled out, because I am feeling the same in 1 way, but had completely different experiences than you. This new way of thinking tells me that everything I am suffering is my own fault and it seems to add more pain and guilt and shame instead of helping it. This new way of thinking (well its all new to me) tells me that if I were to just think differently, there would be no more suffering. I am still rebelling against that. That leaves no room for God helping us walk through certain circumstances because He knows we need to learn from them. It leaves no room for others needing to help those who need help, because "they caused it, they are supposed to work out of it themselves", and I have been told that, but have never been taught how to think differently. Just today I was going to send a note to the group, saying how much pain I was in and that I did just want to die today, and that my enthusiasm to stay alive, which started just a few weeks ago, had burned out because I don't even have much strength to breathe or to process any thinking....but didn't think I should post it here, because I would get blamed for "thinking WRONGLY", and that everything I am feeling, I brought on myself...and that information does NOT help me get out of the pain. Does this new way of thinking leave any room for God comforting me or there even being a God who loves me? I'm at the point where I am trying to decide whether to accept/believe all of this, or to go back to what I knew before, where I DID feel comfort from my God. I am in pain, and I too was too ashamed to say anything here. I have not even had the strength to read all the posts, so have considered kicking myself out of the group, because I am in grade 1 with this new way of thinking, and all of you seem to be in University, and I don't even understand half of what is said, until I learn other concepts first. I don't know what to think or feel or think...I just know I am in terrible pain and afraid that I might have to annul my marriage because I am too sick to help him survive and adjust once he immigrates. He is from Swat, by Kashmir in the Himalayan mountains, also where Shangri-la is believed to be, where Buddha was born. He had to travel to Pakistan for immigration, and they said that according to PAKISTANI LAW, there was something left out on our marriage certificate. We got a lawyer from Swat, who said that since we were not married in a Pakistani owned area, Pakistani law does not matter. The Afghanistan people have to go to Pakistan for immigration too. So then we were told it would take from 1 to 4 years to even get a hearing to tell the judge about the mistake, but I am happy for the delay, so I can try to get well first. I am just thinking what if I don't get well? Why delay his life? I need to let him move on and marry someone else...but he doesn't want to. Ok enough babbling, thanks for writing that. I really was ashamed to cry out for help in here too.

Blessings, Sheila

September 2, 2007

Sheila, I feel compelled to hurry and write something back to you inspite of the fact that I don't know the words yet. But I have this feeling you are checking the posts and wondeing if you shocked any of us or there is any rejection or anything of a critical nature...I am positive about one thing...no one in this family is going to say or think anything but love for you. I love you. I just feel your pain and that just not giving in to it completely is almost more strength than you have. I am sure there are others here wiser and more experience on this path of light and love...maybe we all make it seem so simple to others. It isn't simple for me. I find it so easy to return to old more comfortable and familiar ways but they really didn't work for me. Just for tonight, please try to find a quiet moment to not think and just 'be' and feel something that is beyond words. It is the unconditional love that is being sent out to heal

you...from our heart to yours. I will meditate and ponder and hope to come back with more insight or something of more substance to give you. But really, it doesn't get any better than love and it is from God by any name you call 'Him'...And when I can't feel the comfort of his love, I am usually angry at 'Him'...and it is hard to feel anger and love at same time! I have often wanted somebody to come along on a white horse and rescue me....from myself and anyone else who I thought could share blame and responsibility. I not only want a 'fix' , I want answers and understanding and all the 'whys' to make sense NOW! Well, it just doesn't seem to work that way but I do get those moments of such peace and even if fleeting, they give me wings. Hopefully, this family exchanges so much refuge for openness in a safe, loving, nurturing environment that you will see how loveable you really are. You are not broken...life does beat us

down sometimes but honestly, love really lifts us up. Maybe don't search so hard...don't overthink it all so much and let it come to you...I believe it will. God believes in me and loves me and knows I can not stay in darkness... that like a moth, I will ultimately always look for the light...maybe it is a divine quality we inherited from him? I dunno. I do know I feel so much love for you. Hope you can feel it. HeartHugs, Sheila Wall-Wahab <penlady5@...> wrote: ;

AND ALL.... As I read your story, it feels like my insides are being pulled out, because I am feeling the same in 1 way, but had completely different experiences than you. This new way of thinking tells me that everything I am suffering is my own fault and it seems to add more pain and guilt and shame instead of helping it. This new way of thinking (well its all new to me) tells me that if I were to just think differently, there would be no more suffering. I am still rebelling against that. That leaves no room for God helping us walk through certain circumstances because He knows we need to learn from them. It leaves no room for others needing to help those who need help, because "they caused it, they are supposed to work out of it themselves", and I have been told that, but have never been taught how to think differently. Just today I was going to send a note to the group, saying how much pain I was in and that I did just want

to die today, and that my enthusiasm to stay alive, which started just a few weeks ago, had burned out because I don't even have much strength to breathe or to process any thinking....but didn't think I should post it here, because I would get blamed for "thinking WRONGLY", and that everything I am feeling, I brought on myself...and that information does NOT help me get out of the pain. Does this new way of thinking leave any room for God comforting me or there even being a God who loves me? I'm at the point where I am trying to decide whether to accept/believe all of this, or to go back to what I knew before, where I DID feel comfort from my God. I am in pain, and I too was too ashamed to say anything here. I have not even had the strength to read all the posts, so have considered kicking myself out of the group, because I am in grade 1 with this new way of thinking, and all of you seem to be in University, and I don't even understand half of what is said,

until I learn other concepts first. I don't know what to think or feel or think...I just know I am in terrible pain and afraid that I might have to annul my marriage because I am too sick to help him survive and adjust once he immigrates. He is from Swat, by Kashmir in the Himalayan mountains, also where Shangri-la is believed to be, where Buddha was born. He had to travel to Pakistan for immigration, and they said that according to PAKISTANI LAW, there was something left out on our marriage certificate. We got a lawyer from Swat, who said that since we were not married in a Pakistani owned area, Pakistani law does not matter. The Afghanistan people have to go to Pakistan for immigration too. So then we were told it would take from 1 to 4 years to even get a hearing to tell the judge about the mistake, but I am happy for the delay, so I can try to get well first. I am just thinking what if I don't get well? Why delay his life? I need to let him move on and marry

someone else...but he doesn't want to. Ok enough babbling, thanks for writing that. I really was ashamed to cry out for help in here too. Blessings, Sheila

Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha! Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Games.

September 2, 2007

Shelia,

I hope it will be ok to slide in here and say a few things. Like

has also said, I have no clue to what I can say, or do...but then,

that has never stopped me, yet.

Please excuse me if I start rambling a bit...I am trying to search for

the, right words.

I see the questioning and the tension in the situation about the

marriage, the wanting to leave one area for another, the immigration

issues, and related...thought more information might be useful. If I

have somehow overlooked an earlier posting about this, please forgive

me. I see in another post that you are Canadian? But your in

Afghanistan? and wish to leave there with your husband, who is from

Swat? And this is where you wish to go? Or at least to Pakistan?

I hesitate to imply possibilities where I may not have enough

information, but if you are Canadian, or at least hold some sort of

dual citizenship, you might find some relief in going by way of

Canada, even if you needed to declare some kind of medical

emergency...do you have family in Canada? If that comes close to a

possibility, and I don't really have much in the way of how much of

that works, but that could be some light...you going by way of Canada,

through the consulate there...or contact them direct.

Another way...and I'm standing on a limb here as to imply yet another

possibility, and I have not checked into it, nor have I

asked...someone here does know who and what I mean...and " you " can

address that should it become something. And that is, perhaps, barring

other possibilities, [ " AJ " ], through her connections could, at least

shed some light on what can be done [Liane?]. I don't know for sure,

and maybe...that's jumping the gun...so sue me...I take things a part

and try to dig for solutions.

What I mean to get at is, there is always some way...things aren't

always as they appear. There is always a solution...let not this

" thing " deplete your energy...don't accept " no " as an answer....ever.

It just means, another way will be revealed...perhaps, a much better

way...one that does a lot more than the way we had

envisioned....that's usually the case.

Now, about the pain, and other things that you refer to. Again, I am

now real clear on what these things are, more information would help,

as your willing to share it...and again, I ask for your forgiveness if

I have missed something along the way.

I would like to say a few things though. We are " all " babies here.

Each and every one of us. Each of us has experienced, and even still

experiencing " this life " . Most of us somehow learned to with hold all

of these things, to hide them, to try to run from them...we all put on

one face or another...afraid to let ourselves come out. After all,

that's where the pain seems to be...inside of us. Who wants to " go

inside " ? It can be scary there.

I'm not sure of the place your coming from in understanding...I

somehow gather something of a " Christian " background...to some

extent?? But, because of where you are, perhaps other " paths " are

mixed with this...or now instead of. Maybe the teachings of Buddha?

India, far east, or Muslim. So I will wait to " come from that place of

understanding " , as I might understand it, or study it. Perhaps that

would help...and many here will be even more experienced in one or the

other, or several of them. So, you see...there will always be at least

one...who " speaks your language " ...who can understand where you " come

from " on your path.

The " new thoughts " ...the " new thinking " ...is just simply...allowing

ourselves to look with a more loving heart upon who we are...without

the judgments...without " blame " . We can not, do not blame you, it can

not be found here. And, if I may be so bold...you can not blame

yourself either. For you have stated that you find your comfort " in

God " . That is the place you go to feel loved. Would " God " wish for you

to feel blame? Would you feel judgment in that loving embrace?

You do not need to travel and pursue " other paths " to understand them.

If a path is the plan for you, you will find yourself upon it...there

is no looking for and finding...it finds you. You are already on the

path. You can not " think wrongly " . You can only experience.

And it is ok to express yourself...be it tears, or pent up other

emotion. It is even ok to express anger, and pain. It is ok. You do

not need to try to see any other side to anything. Seeing deeper or

seeing more comes in the experiencing. You already see and experience

that place you go to " be in the comfort of God " , correct? You see, you

have already learned so much. There is always room for " God " to

comfort and empower you. We would have you consider, as you wish to,

in whatever way you might...that all that has really been said here,

in this place...is " you " are very, very much like the God, the Christ,

the Buddha, Mohammad [whichever works best for you]...that you find

your comfort in.

Within you...is this very same kind of love and compassion. It may be

hard to see sometimes, I know, we know...there seems to be miles of

" stuff " in the way of such a possibility. But, if you could, if you

found something possible at all...wouldn't it be, to be like

" that " ...like the " Being " who wraps around you, and gives you comfort?

Would you....melt...into....that kind of ...possibility? That's all

that's being said here. Here is one more place, where you can feel

that comfort, and warmth...a place to " let it out " , to become

empowered. University? No dear, hardly that, yet...we all are in the

first grade, some of us in " special classes " ...in any

" class/experience " we need to be in...and this school...we don't get

to graduate to second grade, without taking everyone else with

us...none of us would want to.

We Love You...now that your here with us, we could not bare to have

you leave. That's the thing about walking into hearts...you become a

part of it.

You have become part of mine in this very moment...

With Love....

D~

; AND ALL....

> As I read your story, it feels like my insides are being

pulled out, because I am feeling the same in 1 way, but had completely

different experiences than you. This new way of thinking tells me that

everything I am suffering is my own fault and it seems to add more

pain and guilt and shame instead of helping it. This new way of

thinking (well its all new to me) tells me that if I were to just

think differently, there would be no more suffering. I am still

rebelling against that. That leaves no room for God helping us walk

through certain circumstances because He knows we need to learn from

them. It leaves no room for others needing to help those who need

help, because " they caused it, they are supposed to work out of it

themselves " , and I have been told that, but have never been taught

how to think differently. Just today I was going to send a note to the

group, saying how much pain I was in and that I did just want to die

today, and that my enthusiasm to stay alive,

> which started just a few weeks ago, had burned out because I don't

even have much strength to breathe or to process any thinking....but

didn't think I should post it here, because I would get blamed for

" thinking WRONGLY " , and that everything I am feeling, I brought on

myself...and that information does NOT help me get out of the pain.

Does this new way of thinking leave any room for God comforting me or

there even being a God who loves me? I'm at the point where I am

trying to decide whether to accept/believe all of this, or to go back

to what I knew before, where I DID feel comfort from my God. I am in

pain, and I too was too ashamed to say anything here. I have not even

had the strength to read all the posts, so have considered kicking

myself out of the group, because I am in grade 1 with this new way of

thinking, and all of you seem to be in University, and I don't even

understand half of what is said, until I learn other concepts first. I

don't know what to think or

> feel or think...I just know I am in terrible pain and afraid that I

might have to annul my marriage because I am too sick to help him

survive and adjust once he immigrates. He is from Swat, by Kashmir in

the Himalayan mountains, also where Shangri-la is believed to be,

where Buddha was born. He had to travel to Pakistan for immigration,

and they said that according to PAKISTANI LAW, there was something

left out on our marriage certificate. We got a lawyer from Swat, who

said that since we were not married in a Pakistani owned area,

Pakistani law does not matter. The Afghanistan people have to go to

Pakistan for immigration too. So then we were told it would take from

1 to 4 years to even get a hearing to tell the judge about the

mistake, but I am happy for the delay, so I can try to get well first.

I am just thinking what if I don't get well? Why delay his life? I

need to let him move on and marry someone else...but he doesn't want

to. Ok enough babbling, thanks for

> writing that. I really was ashamed to cry out for help in here too.

> Blessings,

> Sheila

>

> ---------------------------------

> Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha!

> Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at

Games.

>

September 2, 2007

Thanks ,

You were inspired in what you wrote. I have been studying so hard

all of this new information, trying so hard to learn it and

understand it and to toss out my old beliefs, that it has been

overwhelming. You're right. I need to stop for a moment and

just " be " and feel all the love of it, instead of trying to learn

the mechanics of energies etc.

I sure never even had a thought of looking for rejection, but

feared that if I said anything negative in here, that I would be

chastised for it, which I don't have the strength to deal with

right now.

Thank goodness I don't have any anger. That is so destructive,

but I do have confusion about my future and about how I can help my

husband instead of make life difficult for him. I have loss and I am

trying to completely change my whole being through energies, light,

angels, chakras, auras, yoga, all the new age beliefs, but

struggling to fit them all into my head so fast.

You were led to say just what I needed. I am alone in a dark room

in terrible pain and can't even roll over or get a drink, and I just

needed someone to send me some love. This will pass, but when it

gets really intense, it doesn't feel like it will pass.

Thanks, love and hugs back to you,

Sheila

; AND

ALL....

> As I read your story, it feels like my insides are being

pulled out, because I am feeling the same in 1 way, but had

completely different experiences than you. This new way of thinking

tells me that everything I am suffering is my own fault and it seems

to add more pain and guilt and shame instead of helping it. This new

way of thinking (well its all new to me) tells me that if I were to

just think differently, there would be no more suffering. I am still

rebelling against that. That leaves no room for God helping us walk

through certain circumstances because He knows we need to learn from

them. It leaves no room for others needing to help those who need

help, because " they caused it, they are supposed to work out of it

themselves " , and I have been told that, but have never been taught

how to think differently. Just today I was going to send a note to

the group, saying how much pain I was in and that I did just want to

die today, and that my enthusiasm to stay alive,

> which started just a few weeks ago, had burned out because I

don't even have much strength to breathe or to process any

thinking....but didn't think I should post it here, because I would

get blamed for " thinking WRONGLY " , and that everything I am feeling,

I brought on myself...and that information does NOT help me get out

of the pain. Does this new way of thinking leave any room for God

comforting me or there even being a God who loves me? I'm at the

point where I am trying to decide whether to accept/believe all of

this, or to go back to what I knew before, where I DID feel comfort

from my God. I am in pain, and I too was too ashamed to say anything

here. I have not even had the strength to read all the posts, so

have considered kicking myself out of the group, because I am in

grade 1 with this new way of thinking, and all of you seem to be in

University, and I don't even understand half of what is said, until

I learn other concepts first. I don't know what to think or

> feel or think...I just know I am in terrible pain and afraid that

I might have to annul my marriage because I am too sick to help him

survive and adjust once he immigrates. He is from Swat, by Kashmir

in the Himalayan mountains, also where Shangri-la is believed to be,

where Buddha was born. He had to travel to Pakistan for

immigration, and they said that according to PAKISTANI LAW, there

was something left out on our marriage certificate. We got a lawyer

from Swat, who said that since we were not married in a Pakistani

owned area, Pakistani law does not matter. The Afghanistan people

have to go to Pakistan for immigration too. So then we were told it

would take from 1 to 4 years to even get a hearing to tell the judge

about the mistake, but I am happy for the delay, so I can try to get

well first. I am just thinking what if I don't get well? Why delay

his life? I need to let him move on and marry someone else...but he

doesn't want to. Ok enough babbling, thanks for

> writing that. I really was ashamed to cry out for help in here

too.