Re: My Pain In Shame (for , , & All)

[Guest guest]

Beloved ,My beautiful sister here in our family of Humanity Healing, please know within your deepest heart you need not hold to shame or blame, sweetling. You are filled with grace and light though you may not always feel thus or see it clearly now. What you deal with you do so in the best way you know how to, and here we seek only to help you to move beyond; to learn new ways to approach your troubles and challenges all while never ever judging you. *warm sisterly hug*Shame is such a waste of your precious and amazingly loving and lovely energy, love. You are a Divine Being. No one can take that from you, honey, lest you let them. Find your inner-power which is born of your true self, your soul, and know that you can healthfully release all that burdens you even as you keep to the lessons you've learned at what is a most difficult

period in your life, me darlin. *soft smile*I am proud FOR you, for in the sharing of this with the many, you have already taken the steps to see that hiding complicates and exacerbates shame and guilt and encourages a false sense of separation. That takes courage and strength - did you realize how strong it made you to open these door for and to us? Well, many of us have and we applaud you. *second soft smile and hug*Thank you for entrusting us with what you feel are shameful things filled with pain, for this is the beginning of letting go which leads to true healing, love. Yay! See the light of hope shining brightly there for you to follow? I believe you do. Truly., I am so amazed by you always....and . Together and separately you bring so much "realness", compassion, insight, warmth and most of all LOVE to this group.

This is merely to acknowledge your offerings, for you, and to let you know how deeply I respect and love you both and all that you are. Now and always.Much Love to ALL of you here, Beautiful Family, with Gratitude for your sincerity, your compassion, your integrity, your beauty, your grace...Namaste. Metta.~Ali~dovetouched <hisalone@...> wrote: I wrote this to and felt I needed to

hide it from the group. I guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it hurts this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be kind if you read this and respond...sorry for the length. Hello , I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a bit of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a sexual form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be inward and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly towards my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say the words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss as

to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a day later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember this. I understand what you mean by all of us going through life experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother with a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we do and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around totally unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always looked at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life times. I don't believe in reincarnation so

it's hard for me to understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm not closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out and relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to the extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I have shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much of anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try to open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because it has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that abused me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken love because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was love there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for pity

sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong but I didn't listen to my own soul. If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am an infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love on a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a feeling of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think you could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes through but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time, the right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete. These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the other woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember. She wanders

in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing to let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred, such self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the cause in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention the mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is as if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as one. One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts that have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I have described the other. I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not really having to completely understand it all because this is what we learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond the written word where to someone else they are only words, boring dull and no meaning

or extra word comes from their reading. I have read many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind didn't. I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does. I realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that is okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same place just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe. , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13 and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and that was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he was raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it is his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife

and get up and do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't move forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create hate and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in it? What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and it doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this is my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less painful but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to be unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on this level anyway. I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get caught in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one

to blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have brought myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children, no child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to my health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat, nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler to keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room hoping the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had gone into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home we moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but because of that my parents felt I needed to

learn from my own mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let go of several my children in order to survive.....just to other family members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home. I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard to think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere. If it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to say that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do I only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important to stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide because it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive me for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is me here

and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get it at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God forbid if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read or bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I do. I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am ashamed..:-( I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it, almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall to wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow is the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that means I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written by btw? So sorry again,

[Guest guest]

I will second that Ali, could I have not said it better.

No shame should we have of being ourselves or showing others who we

are, it takes bravery to be honest and to share personal thoughts.

Unconditional love is what it is, the way it is now,no need to cover

up the " not so ideal things in our lives " , they are real, so are we.

Just the way we are meant to me.

My love to and all in the group.

Metta

Isabel

I

wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group. I

> guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing

> others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want

> others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it

hurts

> this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I

> fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be

kind

> if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.

>

> Hello ,

>

> I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a

bit

> of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got

> much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a

sexual

> form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be

inward

> and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly

towards

> my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say

the

> words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss

as

> to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a

day

> later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain

> meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember

> this.

> I understand what you mean by all of us going through life

> experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we

> react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother

with

> a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we

do

> and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many

> therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we

> treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around

totally

> unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always

looked

> at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in

> this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life

> times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to

> understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm

not

> closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out

and

> relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is

> just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can

> only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to

the

> extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I

have

> shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much

of

> anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try

to

> open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because

it

> has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that

abused

> me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken

love

> because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was

love

> there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for

pity

> sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong

but I

> didn't listen to my own soul.

> If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am

an

> infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love

on

> a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is

> unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a

feeling

> of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think

you

> could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes

through

> but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and

> allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not

> about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time,

the

> right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete.

> These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the

other

> woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember.

She

> wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing

to

> let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred,

such

> self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the

cause

> in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention

the

> mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is

as

> if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as

one.

> One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts

that

> have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I

have

> described the other.

> I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not

> really having to completely understand it all because this is what

we

> learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those

> words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond

the

> written word where to someone else they are only words, boring

dull

> and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read

> many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind

didn't.

> I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not

> understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does.

I

> realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that

is

> okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same

place

> just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe.

>

> , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13

> and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and

that

> was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he

> is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he

was

> raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does

> not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it

is

> his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up

and

> do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame

> himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't

move

> forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create

hate

> and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in

it?

> What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to

> work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and

it

> doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this

is

> my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less

painful

> but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to

be

> unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on

this

> level anyway.

>

> I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get

caught

> in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of

> emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one

to

> blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless

> marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish

> myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean

> too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have

brought

> myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children,

no

> child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to

my

> health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat,

> nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler

to

> keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room

hoping

> the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had

gone

> into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home

we

> moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after

> knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but

> because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own

> mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let

go

> of several my children in order to survive.....just to other

family

> members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.

>

> I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard

to

> think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere.

If

> it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I

> can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to

say

> that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do

I

> only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important

to

> stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide

because

> it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive

me

> for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the

> confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is

me

> here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get

it

> at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My

> hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God

forbid

> if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read

or

> bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I

do.

> I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post

> this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am

> ashamed..:-(

>

> I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it,

> almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall

to

> wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow

is

> the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that

means

> I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written

by

> btw?

>

> So sorry again,

>

[Guest guest]

Alison;

I read your message and though it was meant for others, it was healing to me too. Thankyou for that.

blessings,

Sheila

[Guest guest]

I

wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group. I

> guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing

> others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want

> others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it

hurts

> this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I

> fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be

kind

> if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.

>

> Hello ,

>

> I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a

bit

> of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got

> much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a

sexual

> form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be

inward

> and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly

towards

> my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say

the

> words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss

as

> to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a

day

> later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain

> meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember

> this.

> I understand what you mean by all of us going through life

> experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we

> react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother

with

> a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we

do

> and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many

> therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we

> treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around

totally

> unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always

looked

> at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in

> this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life

> times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to

> understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm

not

> closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out

and

> relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is

> just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can

> only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to

the

> extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I

have

> shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much

of

> anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try

to

> open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because

it

> has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that

abused

> me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken

love

> because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was

love

> there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for

pity

> sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong

but I

> didn't listen to my own soul.

> If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am

an

> infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love

on

> a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is

> unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a

feeling

> of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think

you

> could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes

through

> but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and

> allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not

> about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time,

the

> right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete.

> These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the

other

> woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember.

She

> wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing

to

> let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred,

such

> self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the

cause

> in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention

the

> mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is

as

> if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as

one.

> One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts

that

> have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I

have

> described the other.

> I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not

> really having to completely understand it all because this is what

we

> learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those

> words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond

the

> written word where to someone else they are only words, boring

dull

> and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read

> many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind

didn't.

> I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not

> understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does.

I

> realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that

is

> okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same

place

> just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe.

>

> , I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13

> and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and

that

> was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he

> is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he

was

> raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does

> not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it

is

> his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up

and

> do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame

> himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't

move

> forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create

hate

> and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in

it?

> What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to

> work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and

it

> doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this

is

> my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less

painful

> but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to

be

> unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on

this

> level anyway.

>

> I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get

caught

> in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of

> emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one

to

> blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless

> marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish

> myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean

> too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have

brought

> myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children,

no

> child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to

my

> health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat,

> nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler

to

> keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room

hoping

> the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had

gone

> into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home

we

> moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after

> knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but

> because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own

> mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let

go

> of several my children in order to survive.....just to other

family

> members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.

>

> I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard

to

> think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere.

If

> it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I

> can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to

say

> that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do

I

> only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important

to

> stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide

because

> it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive

me

> for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the

> confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is

me

> here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get

it

> at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My

> hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God

forbid

> if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read

or

> bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I

do.

> I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post

> this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am

> ashamed..:-(

>

> I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it,

> almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall

to

> wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow

is

> the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that

means

> I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written

by

> btw?

>

> So sorry again,

>

>

>

> Dear ,

> Everything is in Divine And Perfect Order Right NOW! When I

>Learned that when said " Ask and you shall Receive and BELEIVE

>You Have Received It. " I was given More to understand. Our Soul is

>Seeking Great Enlightenment and once we allow our Soul to learn.

>Greater insights to who we are as children of the Divine Almighty,

>Creator of ALL visable and invisable.. are also shown. So walk in

>Faith that You are LOVED, AND NO PERSON CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

>Sincerely Yours in Love, Light and Happiness,

>