My Pain In Shame

[Guest guest]

I wrote this to and felt I needed to hide it from the group. I

guess it's just an act of faith to post it. I don't like bringing

others down nor do I like attention on some levels, nor do I want

others to see me for the messed up person I've become but if it hurts

this much to post this then I must be doing something right lol. I

fear I will lose friendship by showing my real pain so please be kind

if you read this and respond...sorry for the length.

Hello ,

I don't mind you sharing not shy on that one at all. I'm having a bit

of trouble understanding this love most likely because I never got

much of it my entire life and when I did it came always in a sexual

form or came with conditions which is NOT LOVE. How can I be inward

and move or give out love when I don't feel it particularly towards

my husband? It's an honest question. I can act in faith and say the

words inwardly but honestly even the words seem muffled, at a loss as

to what to say. Now it's odd depending on the mood swings half a day

later I might tell you I am having no problem whatsoever. My pain

meds bring me up high and drop me down low and I need to remember

this.

I understand what you mean by all of us going through life

experiences and in some respect not being responsible for how we

react outwardly in pain but then again I was raised by a mother with

a psychology degree and she burned it into me that everything we do

and don't do is a choice. I was taught no only by her but by many

therapists (cognitive therapy) we take responsibility for how we

treat others, we are not mindless creatures wandering around totally

unable to control what we say, how we say it etc. I've always looked

at the level of my dysfunction coming from the things I endured in

this life time which is enough pain to work out for several life

times. I don't believe in reincarnation so it's hard for me to

understand discussing that. I am somewhat open to it though, I'm not

closed minded on too many things I just believe that we act out and

relive our childhood as opposed to past lives. Still even if it is

just that it doesn't matter either way because the soul/spirit can

only take so much pain before it begins to protect itself even to the

extent of protecting itself from itself. Does that make sense? I have

shut down mentally and emotionally to the point I cannot feel much of

anything for my husband and no matter how hard he tries and I try to

open to him it doesn't happen. I know the reason for this because it

has never happened with anyone else not even with a man that abused

me far worse than he has. I don't know how to open or reawaken love

because frankly I have even lost the memory of whether there was love

there to begin with. I had a panic attack on our honeymoon for pity

sakes. I felt from the beginning that the whole thing was wrong but I

didn't listen to my own soul.

If I say things wrong or don't get things right forgive me, I am an

infant in this newer age spiritual walk. Now I do understand love on

a deep level if it pertains to the Holy Spirit...that love is

unfathomless and I know I have only begun to touch it. It's a feeling

of pure peace and joy and yes love to the point you don't think you

could hold anymore. I used to have that and at times it comes through

but only when I am praying and opening to the Holy Spirit and

allowing him to do his bidding and his work through me. It's not

about me finding myself, finding the right path, the right time, the

right me.....I am all I need to be because God made me complete.

These things I know in my inner core in my spirit woman but the other

woman that has been hurt more than she will allow me to remember. She

wanders in the dark in confusion, poking anxiety at core, refusing to

let my mind rest, taunting me with unhappiness and self hatred, such

self hatred it's a wonder I can breathe and I know this is the cause

in part of the intense physical pain I live with not to mention the

mental. I do not have a split personality but in many ways it is as

if I am two different people and they refuse to come together as one.

One is still full of love, full of wisdom and plentiful in gifts that

have only begun to mature for the benefit of others and well I have

described the other.

I also somewhat know what you mean by reading something and not

really having to completely understand it all because this is what we

learn with the bible. If a christian is Holy Spirit filled those

words will feed life to the soul/spirit things that go way beyond the

written word where to someone else they are only words, boring dull

and no meaning or extra word comes from their reading. I have read

many things and felt that my spirit understood while my mind didn't.

I also speak in tongues and this is the same thing...we may not

understand the language but our spirit who takes over for us does. I

realize that not everyone will believe the same way I do but that is

okay because we are all on the same path, heading to the same place

just changing the scenery now and then in what we each believe.

, I so so so want to get over myself like I did when I was 13

and serving Christ as if I no longer existed only others did and that

was all I needed. I want to love again, love my husband for who he

is. I know he mirrors me and I him I can clearly see this but he was

raised in a very simple family that never communicated and he does

not understand these concepts nor believe them. I believe that it is

his responsibility to see that he is hurting his wife and get up and

do something about it in any way he can. He doesn't have to blame

himself or hate himself this serves neither of us but he won't move

forward on his own to change the negative patterns that create hate

and many other damaging things then why should someone remain in it?

What if he is trying all that he knows to do and nothing seems to

work for him? What if we have never had a sexual relationship and it

doesn't appear it will ever happen? Do I sit back and accept this is

my mirror when frankly I could choose many mirrors far less painful

but learn in some different way. I don't believe that we have to be

unhappy or abused in this life in order to learn and grow not on this

level anyway.

I must admit to you though that it's too easy for to get caught

in the habit of blaming herself because I should be in control of

emotions, my choices...I CHOOSE THIS.....which means I am the one to

blame for the pain I am in, I choose abuse, I choose a sexless

marriage and the only way to deal with that pain is to punish

myself.. Now that sounds so odd but it's all I know. I don't mean

too it happens so quickly I am not conscious of until I have brought

myself to suicide level. I once was homeless with four children, no

child support, a father in prison for life, no way to work due to my

health, no car, an empty house, no frig, stove, furniture, heat,

nothing but electric and water, one bed, one computer and a cooler to

keep ice. We lived like this for 6 months hiding in one room hoping

the landlord would not come to take the place even though it had gone

into foreclosure long ago. My parents refused to help me come home we

moved to another state because I decided to marry a pastor after

knowing him one month. He dumped us and left needless to say but

because of that my parents felt I needed to learn from my own

mistakes and well you see the lessons in my family. I had to let go

of several my children in order to survive.....just to other family

members. It took another 4 years before we were able to move home.

I want to understand this concept you are giving me, its so hard to

think the way you are thinking or just summon love from nowhere. If

it's deep inside me I have to say the way I am feeling tonight I

can't reach it or believe it's there and that hurts terrible to say

that. How do I send love when I don't have it give to him? Why do I

only feel that way with him and no one else? Is it that important to

stay in an unhealthy relationship verses thoughts of suicide because

it's that painful to stay and even that painful to leave? Forgive me

for carrying on, forgive me for not getting it, forgive me for the

confusion, forgive me for my heart being so cold because there is me

here and she wants all that you believe I can have but I don't get it

at a soul level, not even a emotional level..but logic gets it. My

hubby is even jealous that I am sitting here writing this, God forbid

if I have a friend or it's a male or it's something he can't read or

bla bla, I'm so sick to death of defending myself in everything I do.

I don't even allow myself to have excuses lol. I was going to post

this to the group but it took a turn for the worse and I am

ashamed..:-(

I have read about 6 chapters into the first book and I love it,

almost couldn't stop reading but fell asleep. Our trailer is wall to

wall stuff and Danny has taken 3 days off to get it done, tomorrow is

the last day so I need to help more so I don't attitude so that means

I won't get much time to read for awhile. Who was the book written by

btw?

So sorry again,