Grieving

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Grieving You Know You're Grieving When You..... Have difficulty concentrating and making decisions - short attention spans Are absent minded - forgetful Are irritable - easily angered - bothered by little things Experience shortness of breath - tightness in throat - heaviness in chest Have difficulty sleeping or sometimes sleep more than usual Feel distant, separate or different from others - "Like observing from afar". Feel alone, no matter how many people are present Feel lost, without direction or adrift Cry at unexpected times and often over something unrelated things Find yourself working abnormally long hours Sometimes feel like you have no energy and don't want to do anything Are angry towards family or friends over things said or not said Have no interest in things you used to enjoy Review your past and friendships/ opportunities lost Feel old or worthless and of no value to others Find most conversations boring, superficial or trivial Feel listening to others complain is sometimes too much to handle Want to change careers or job, residence, friends, spouse, etc Replay over and over what happened - who said what - who did what How to Help Grieving People Allthat is necessary is a squeeze of the hand, a kiss, or a hug, your presence is the most important aspect. If you want to say something,say "I'm sorry" or "I care". Help to offer with practical matter, errands. Don'tbe afraid to cry openly if you were close to the deceased. Often the bereaved find themselves comforting you, but at the same time they understand your tears and don't feel so alone in their grief. It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened. Just offer "Would you like to talk? I'll listen" Don't say, " I know just how you feel" The bereaved may ask , "Why?" It is often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer but if you do, you may reply,"I don't know why." Don't use platitudes like , "Life is for the living" or "It's God's will.? Explanations rarely console. It's better to say nothing. Recognize that the bereaved may be angry. They may be angry at God, the person who died, the clergy, doctors, rescue teams, and other family members.Encourage them to acknowledge their anger and to find healthy ways of handling it. Be available to listen often. Do not avoid using the name of the person who has died Be PATIENT. Don't say, "You will get over it in time". Mourning may take along time. The bereaved need you to stand by them for as long as necessary. Encourage them to be patient with themselves. Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Encourage them to express their feelings - cry, hit a pillow, scream, etc. Be aware that a bereaved person's self-esteem may be low. When someone feels guilty and is filled with "if only" it is not helpful to say, "don't feel guilty". This only adds to their negative view of themselves. They would handle it better if they could. One response could be, "I don't think your guilty. You did the best you could at the time, but don't push down your feelings of guilt. Talk about it until you can let it go." Depressions often a part of grief. To be able to talk things over with an understanding friend, or loved one is one factor that may help prevent a person from becoming severely depressed. Give special attention to the children in the family. DO NOT tell them not to cry or not to upset the adults. Suggest the bereaved person keep a journal. The bereaved may appear to be getting worse. Be aware this is often due to the reality of the death hitting them. Be aware of physical reactions to the death ( lack of appetite,sleeplessness, headaches, inability to concentrate) These affect the person's coping ability, energy and recovery. Be aware of the use of drugs or alcohol. Sometimes the pain of bereavement is so intense that thoughts of suicide occur. Try to be a confiding friend. Don't say, "It has been 4 months, 6 months, 1 year, etc. You must be over it by now." Life will never be the same as before. Encourage counseling if grief is getting out of hand. Suggest that grieving people take part in a support group. Suggest that bereaved people postpone major decisions such as moving, giving everything away, etc. Exercise to help work off bottled up tension and anger is great for the grieving person. Practice unconditional love. Feelings of rage, anger and frustration are not pleasant to observe or listen to, but it is necessary for the bereaved to recognize and work on these feelings in order to work through the grief, rather than become stuck in one phase. Don't avoid the bereaved. This adds to their loss. Resources Death : http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/Jeri10/Death.html Compassionate Friends : www.compassionatefriends.org Hugs, Help and Hope from Angel Hugs : www.angelfire.com/or/angelhugs/ GROWW : www.groww.com Bereaved Parents of the USA: http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/ Bereaved Parents of the USA is a nationwide organization designed toaid and support bereaved parents and their families who are strugglingto survive their grief after the death of a child. Bereavement - A Sympathy Sharing Site: http://www.bereavement.com/ Compassion Connection: http://www.death-dying.com/ Life Files On Line Memorial Services: http://www.lifefiles.com/ -An interactive living memorial that remembers loved ones, connectsfamilies, and celebrates life. Site offers: Guest book, photo gallery,sharing memories, Family Forum message board GriefNet.org: http://www.griefnet.org/ - GriefNet.org is an Internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss. We have 47 e-mail support groupsand two web sites. Our integrated approach to on-line grief supportprovides help to people working through loss and grief issues of manykinds. Our companion site, KIDSAID, provides a safe environment for kids and their parents to find information and ask questions. GriefNet is directed by Cendra (ken'dra) Lynn, Ph.D., a clinical grief psychologist, death educator, and traumatologist who lives in Michigan, USA. Supported by a dedicatedteam of volunteers, and by the generous donations of its users,GriefNet is operated as a non-profit corporation under the nameRivendell Resources. Grief Loss & Recovery - http://www.grieflossrecovery.com/ Grief Song - Healing the Loss with : http://www.griefsong.com/ In Loving Memory - http://www.inlovingmemoryonline.org/ - In Loving Memory is an organization dedicated to helping parents cope with the death of their only child or all of their children. In Loving Memorybelieves that one of the best ways to remember our children and toreinvest, is to help others. It was in the spirit of helping otherparents like themselves that In Loving Memory was created. In Loving Memoryhelps parents find, in the love for their deceased children, thestrength to continue with their own lives. It is the Nielsen's tributeto the memory of their precious . Center for Grief Education - Melbourne, Australia - http://www.grief.org.au/ - Thesite has details of our free bereavement counseling service, links tomany other grief related web sites, information on the peer-reviewedjournal Grief Matters: The Australian Journal of Grief and Bereavement,an extensive listing of free and low cost grief counseling services in, details on projects conducted by the Center, informationabout membership benefits, recent media releases, grief supportinformation and products that can be purchased from the Center. The Center for Grief Education is an independent, not for profit organization which opened in January 1996 and is the largest providerof grief and bereavement education in Australia. Registered as a public benevolent institution the Center receives operational funding through the state palliative care program of the n Department of Human Services.