In Through The Out

[Guest guest]

I have crawled across the desert, one hand over the other, and have sank

my face in the cool water that bubbles up through the sand, yet my

thirst is not quite yet satisfied. The vultures circle overhead, daring

to come closer, and I view them through my half shut eyes...through my

parched and burned lips, I smile. " That was the best you had " ? Spitting

out sand, rising to my knees...oh, to just drift off to sleep in this

position, that would be enough. " I can not die, as I have died so many

times I've forgotten how. " Like the Highlander...I only appear to die,

and awaken yet again.

I write from somewhere in the void. Almost back to " fullness " but not

completely, yet. It's coming back, I am coming back.

I start this journey from the last time I wrote here. For that is the

last time I was here, anywhere. I had gone into meditation, as I always

do. A simple place I go within. A calm place, one of peace and tranquil

setting. My chest warming from the glow that is the center of my being,

radiating like the sun. Glimmering, as water sparkles, than a blast, as

if an atom explosion into every direction. Through the earth, through

the dimensions, through the universes. Through time, past and present;

present and future; the same reflects to itself, as only itself, one.

As is always the case, I feel cleansed, connected, whole...I exist, and

nothing else does without me. My only thought is that I exist...and I am

nothing else but love. It is I who have thought love, yet, it is love,

that has created me.

As I found myself in this place, I began to send love into that which

came to me. It entered into what came to my mind, as a solid blast of

the sun, directly into the heart, exploding into every part of the

being...and as they filled to overflowing capacity, and exploded outward

to all that was near them...that too filled with love, repeating

itself...for love spreads to all that comes in contact with it.

This is how I normally send love, constantly, into all

things...including all of those I know...into those in " friends " lists;

member lists, etc...By entering one or more of these, the love fills,

overflows, and then proceeds into all they are connected to, their

" friends " lists, their member lists, their families, their lives,

forever and continually passing onward. And the sending is also the

receiving, as it all comes back along it many, many paths,

overlapping...and going out again, more powerful than before.

This time was no different up to the point of beginning to send to those

that came to mind....and then....

As I lay there in bed, comfortably sending...surrounded by so much

peace...I connected...

....connected to I don't know, still not sure, of what...something. I

felt like I had grabbed hold of a live high power line and could not let

go. My mind became overwhelmed with millions of thoughts, none of which

I could focus upon.

As if I had been sucked into a giant tornado, standing in the center of

this enormous power...I was so small. Millions of faces came forward,

some dripping blood from their teeth...some of them animals...many were

animals I have never seen...yet, I was observing them, not scared, or

becoming them...as if in a nightmare. But they were everywhere, and they

were thoughts. I say millions, but there were many more I'm sure.

So much fear, confusion...I felt myself spinning within my own body...as

if the force of all of these passing thoughts and attached feelings were

creating a vortex. I could not lay still...I'm not sure I can fully

explain the feeling... " hebe jebe's " ? A want to climb out of my skin? I

had seemed to lose my place within myself. I went to the living room to

try to be still, but within, I was on fire...my skin crawled. Such a

state of utter confusion and hopelessness. No control...nothing seemed

to be of this world.

I was still observing, I knew this much...and as these thoughts swirled

round and round, like raging winds inside my mind, and I was nothing but

" mind " ...I, the me that is my true self, simply watched. I felt, and

somehow knew, I had tapped into a mind...several minds...and connections

to other minds...so full of turmoil. Who could withstand such a thing as

this? I felt, from my observing standpoint, that if any one person had

this going on within them, it would be too easily to stop it by any

means at their disposal. I knew this from the observing self, that was

me...and aware, that if I dared, " connect " to any of these, I might be

consumed.

I stood my ground, without need of trying, yet, the winds beat and

howled...the gates of hells descending...or was I descending? I dared

not use thought...not here...for what thought would be available? I felt

some part of what I am still sending love...sometimes only hearing the

word come from me... " love...love...love " . It dawned on me that perhaps I

had entered the thoughts and turmoil of the many...in order to become

their thoughts...and once there, I was changing the thoughts with this

love that uttered forth. I don't know if this is what was happening, but

it seems to be what was implied.

For what was almost two days...the thoughts swirled...all

thoughts...thoughts I can not repeat...thoughts of every kind. Is it any

wonder someone would not go insane if they got stuck here, is another

flash that came to me...still observing. Is it any wonder someone would

not feel so overwhelmed, they would not choose to end it to make it

stop? Could it even be like some of the stories you hear of mind

controlled subjects having " e.l.f. " waves directed at them, causing them

to act, or, react to some of those thoughts? Still observing, having

these flashes of possibilities come to me...but not so much as thoughts.

I could see how someone could be so confused, and defeated. It's as if I

were seeing into the minds of places love was not getting to. I could

understand where some might relate it to an experience of evil, demons,

entities, etc...It would be too easy to engage these " thoughts " and

become them.

I will say it is nothing like a " dark night of the soul " . I've had one

of those, I think...about ten years ago or so. One night I had just

meditated, and IT came on me all at once. It couldn't have lasted more

than maybe 15 minutes, but it was like forever...as one thing after

another flashed through my mind...awake as I was...my eyes closed,

rapidly moving...as one scene after another appeared to me, complete

with the full experience, and I saw " everything " in my life that had not

been of love. It felt like hundreds of full scenes came for each second,

but each one lasted for hours...like flipping through an old cartoon

book, yet nothing was cartoon about it. The only thing it could be said

to be like was the end of life's " review " ....then it was gone....and I

was left empty.

No, it wasn't like that....not until later anyway. As I said....this

went on for almost 2 days. I could not answer anyone...could not reply

to anyone asking me a question. might respond to that later. I

could not respond because to do so, I would have to engage whatever was

there at that second to connect back to the " outside " of me. Remember,

I'm in the middle, my center, simply observing...in the middle of this

high powered tornado, that I can not disengage from. To respond

outwards...I would have to use one of these connections in front of

me...and something even deeper within would not let me do that. To

engage any of the thoughts here, would have me become it...and I knew

not which it would be.

So I did not respond...could not.

Which reminds me of yet another time not long ago...perhaps 2 years now.

I was out on the back patio, when all of a sudden, I could not breath. I

could not take air in, nor push it out. My chest felt like it was on

fire, as did my lungs. My head began to heat up intensely...lack of air

to be sure. I could not have called out if I'd wanted to. And even then,

I knew that if someone had of seen it and tried to help, or worse yet,

called for help...I would have died.

I fell to my knees and pounded my chest...my face filling with blood, or

leaving it...not sure which. This seemed to take about an hour, but

could not have been more than 15 minutes. I was doing everything I could

to force air into my lungs...nothing. All I could do to get it

in...nothing. I was screaming for air from inside but none would come. I

felt that if I could get my lungs to move one way or the other, it would

force the opposite to happen as well.

My heart was beating out of my chest...I was pushing on my lungs trying

to collapse them and form suction...still nothing...down on my

knees...my whole body on fire....screaming but no sound. I was going

numb...my heart stopped...or the pressure was so great, I neither heard

or felt it anymore....I looked up through the trees, so peaceful....so

slow....so surreal. I told myself I was not going to let IT happen like

this...no damned way. I refused to die!

As if the most beautiful cooling breeze that had ever been created in

the existence of the earth came out of the trees, cooling me in my

superheated state, my lungs filled with air, as if they were filling

with water, rushing into a vessel of clay...I felt it, I heard it....and

then my heart. I fell off my knees and onto my back, and as I lay there,

filling myself with all the air I could take...and out again, and then

more....I looked up through the

trees....and.....felt.................alive.

This is what it was beginning to feel like, in a way...after these 2

days. Except...I felt so empty. Most all of the thoughts had gone...as

if, one by one, maybe, just the love I was sending, or repeating from

someplace, had changed them, or dissolved them, one by one. They were

gone....yet, here I was in this huge void of space.

Like those whose might have a giant pressure kind of headache...and it

goes away, your left with that vacuum of cold vast emptiness. Like being

in a huge empty room, and having no energy to crawl over to the door

out. Like sitting in a huge old car, the steering wheel many times your

own size, feet unable to reach the peddles, barely able to see over the

wheel through the windshield. The thoughts were gone, but I was weak. I

could barely move. And any moving I had to do seemed to take forever. It

was if I was in this big over sized costume body, and it was hard to get

it to work right...it was clumsy, and I was

lacking in how to operate it.

I slept or just lay there...for a few more days...however long it's

been. I had entered into the energy of a pool of minds, all connected

in some way. This is what has come to my awareness in all of this.

Perhaps entering in order to heal. Or to change thoughts, and the very

energy itself. Perhaps in part, I entered into an illness or two. I'm

only guessing of course. I don't feel as if it was any one person or

even into one situation...but many of them, all at the same time.

I don't know how I did it, for I did nothing any different than any

other time. I entered with love. Yet, somehow I feel as if I absorbed

and experienced a multiple " stigmata " ...[on the inside]. A stigmata

being that person who produced wounds on the outside of the body...

Mutant X had an episode one time, where one of the mutants could take

anyone's wound or illness to themselves, even a gunshot, thus healing

the one effected...but then having to recover, at a faster pace, that

wound or illness. I don't pretend it was any such thing....but, all I

can say is that it felt as if I had taken in what was not possible for

another to handle or work through.

I re-read the above and cringe, yet, I can not change it....for that is

the feeling. I am only now just seeming to be " fully back " within the

space of my body. I am ok...I am fine. Was it empathy? It was not my

own, nor did I go looking for it...but it did come.

You did say I was " getting in your head " Liane...lol...not that I try

to...but have I been entering heads here, or others connected to those

here? Did I take all of what's below the surface into myself? And if I

did? Why? Did I enter into the deeper situations, illnesses, sicknesses,

darker thoughts which is really what any ailment truly is? I don't know

for sure. I wasn't even sure I should even write about this experience,

or if I even could. The writing about it can't give the full experience

that it was. But it is so different than what has happened up to this

point.

Maybe the empathy was too great, too closely connected....I'm not sure.

The only reason this is going out now is because someone, perhaps more

than one will find in it a clue they were seeking, an answer...some

broken connection.

With Much Love,

D~

How much time has passed..................