Re: Whoa! What Did I Miss?

April 24, 2008

Hello ,

We have another FAM forum -- FAM Family Forum -- that is for parents

and caregivers as well as spouses and partners of individuals with AS

and HFA.

I posted more detailed information there ... days ago. In other

words, all the valid points you made about people working or being

offline and such have faded considerably considering that even with

the valid points you have made, at some point the NTs in the Family

Forum have been online.

How do I know? Because many of them belong to other parenting

forums ... places like bbbautism.com and todaysparent.com ... where

they have been joking around and making fun of the natural behaviours

of their children with Autism and such.

I mistakenly though that because the Admins and members with AS in

the FAM Family Forum actively post to assist NT parents and partners -

- with things such as questions on Autism or who are stressing over

behaviours and wondering if it's AS-related or just behaviour-related

or who are venting about their situation and more -- that these

people would reciprocate and give me some support to help me through

these devastating and trying times.

Instead, I was ignored save for an NT poster who posted publicly (and

then wrote me privately) that I should just QUIT the forums if things

are so tough. She also basically told me to suck it up.

In all, only a very very very small handful of people cared enough to

post anything in that forum.

From this forum, some have been very kind and posted here. Others

have emailed me privately.

This says to me that individuals with Autism are truly empathetic and

caring while NTs, for all their loud bragging about their ability to

care about what happens to people they know in real life and online,

have shown that they can only empathize if it benefits them in some

way.

And yes, , I am struggling and finding it terribly difficult

to put what has happened in perspective. Cub is my only child and

one of the most incredible people I have ever met in my life. His

website is at www.thisislewis.net. It pains me greatly to know that

this is happening to him and there's nothing I can do to stop it from

happening to him.

Thank you for caring enough to post such a long and heartfelt post

about this. Once again, I am finding that Aspies are the tender

hearts that genuinely and sincerely express emotions appropriately.

Raven

>

> Hey, wait a minute. Something happened here, I'm gathering, from

> piecing the posts together that Raven's child known as Cub (am I

> right?) has been diagnosed with a serious illness? And nobody cared

> when they found out? I just found out. I took a break from my PC

today

> and didn't log in until late. I care. Could this be some Aspie

> misunderstanding? People aren't always in the same place @ the same

> time. Was the original post posted Wed. April 23rd? What time?

People

> work or they're simply off-line. I know patience is very difficult,

I

> speak from experience, but please, don't cast blame just yet. I'm

new

> here, but I'm guessing as the days pass people will read the posts

and

> begin responding. I know what it's like to have a family member

> seriously ill. I know what it's like to be the frightened child as

> their parent is carried off in a stretcher. The hospital, the tubes.

> The cornerstone of my childhood and family security in peril. I

care.

> I EMPATHIZE. I'm very (un-generically) sorry, Raven, and please,

> continue to keep the group posted.

> Very Sincerely,

>

April 24, 2008

" Hey, wait a minute. Something happened here, I'm gathering, from

piecing the posts together that Raven's child known as Cub (am I

right?) has been diagnosed with a serious illness? And nobody cared

when they found out? "

That was in the Fellowship of the Aspergian Miracle Family Forum, where

Raven and I try to help NT parents with their Aspie kids. Not one NT

offered empathy or sympathy out of 175 members. Cub does have a

potentially fatal illness and his life span will surely be shortened to

some degree no matter what happens.

There was plenty of empathy and sympathy in Secret Society from our

Aspie members though, and it is said we are not supposed to have any.

Administrator

April 24, 2008

Hi Raven,

That NT person would feel differently if it were HER child. I went

through that crap @ another Yahoo! group that was run by parents with

mainly small children on the spectrum. There were two feelings I took

away from that group: " my way or the highway " and " suck it up " . While

a majority of NT's are cruel or just don't get it, I've found a couple

of people who do try. My mother and aunt are two selfless examples who

would never harm or judge anyone on the spectrum and another is a

pen-pal who lives in Canada. I will visit your son's website. I'm

curious to know what is wrong. My mother is a retired nurse, and with

your permission only, possibly she could be of help. BTW nobody reads

this but me. I show the site to no-one. I can't say I'll be on-line @

any fixed time. I would never want to be pinned down like that, but I

am a group member and so I will be communicating often. Goodnight, as

good as it can be for you and your son.

Sincerely,

> >

> > Hey, wait a minute. Something happened here, I'm gathering, from

> > piecing the posts together that Raven's child known as Cub (am I

> > right?) has been diagnosed with a serious illness? And nobody cared

> > when they found out? I just found out. I took a break from my PC

> today

> > and didn't log in until late. I care. Could this be some Aspie

> > misunderstanding? People aren't always in the same place @ the same

> > time. Was the original post posted Wed. April 23rd? What time?

> People

> > work or they're simply off-line. I know patience is very difficult,

> I

> > speak from experience, but please, don't cast blame just yet. I'm

> new

> > here, but I'm guessing as the days pass people will read the posts

> and

> > begin responding. I know what it's like to have a family member

> > seriously ill. I know what it's like to be the frightened child as

> > their parent is carried off in a stretcher. The hospital, the tubes.

> > The cornerstone of my childhood and family security in peril. I

> care.

> > I EMPATHIZE. I'm very (un-generically) sorry, Raven, and please,

> > continue to keep the group posted.

> > Very Sincerely,

> >

>

April 24, 2008

" I'm curious to know what is wrong. My mother is a retired nurse, and

with your permission only, possibly she could be of help. "

I think Raven has gone to bed. Hopefully she will see your question and

respond soon. I am not going to name his ailment but let Raven do it.

Administrator

April 25, 2008

Randy wrote: " ... <snip> ... " If oneself expects others to give

sympathy, one must be a giver first " Or some such line. Not the

Accounting Equation I use all the time! ;-) As in " I have to help 42

people with 10 point or better responses before receiving a 40 point

level emotional response from said persons " - a " dry " analysis I have

to use. Maybe not even the " What goes around, comes around " common

phrase.

And not quite the " you have to give gifts to others before they will

give you gifts " as I learned about social situations. Like the: how can

I expect a friend to give me a present when I never give him / her

anything. "

I'm not sure I'm taking your post the right way, Randy. Are you

intimating that I need to GIVE more of myself if I want people to be

there for Cub and me at this point in time?

Raven

Co-Administrator

April 25, 2008

" If oneself expects others to give sympathy, one must be a giver first "

Or some such line. "

A good line. It shows that Raven and I re not off-base. WE have been

giving sympathy in that forum for three or four years now and this is

probably the first time we have needed any. Of course the NTs give

none, and I think once again this is a social thing - but not in terms

of social mores. Socially, people flock away from the sick because they

themselves don't want to be diseased. And they adhere to the strong in

the hopes that the strong will carry them through when THEY get sick.

Administrator

April 26, 2008

Sorry for the bad phrasing, the meaning is THEY expect you to 'give' to them

first (irrational thinking)!!!! At times other people in the interaction

can sound like children: " you first! " " I won't do it until you do it " .

So they won't do sympathy for a " stranger " who has not done something for

them before, just met, etc. Very bad logic and shows what they just talked

about on GRASP: we have little " Empathy " which is confused with sympathy.

Sounds like the family forum members had little or no Empathy to know what

your talking about or feeling, and no sympathy to your pain!!! :-)

Just once I'd like to get my message across clearly! Oh, wait.. I'm not a

professional? Go figure! LOL