Re: My Pain & Prayer Request

[Guest guest]

Dear Lara,

I know that recovering from this kind of abuse is very difficult, but I am proof that it can be done. I spent most of my life with a horrible rage inside of me. My abuse was from my father and I hated him for a long time. It just ate me up inside and stopped me from having the life I deserved. But there came a time when I was ready to forgive him. And when I did, my life got better. I know that its something that comes in its own time and you will when you are ready. First there has to be a grieving time, I think. If you want someone to talk to who has been there, and come out the other side, please contact me anytime.

What he did to me was wrong but he was a damaged child himself and so that's how I can forgive him for what he did.

Know that I am here for you.

Namaste, Cheryl

May we learn to benefit the life of Earth with peace, humble in our needs,and generous in our giving.Joanne SunshowerSee what's new at AOL.com and Make AOL Your Homepage.

[Guest guest]

My Dear sweet Lara,

As I read this post, I felt so many emotions, my sweet. Most

of all is my infinite love and understanding that I am sending to you

right now. All of the feelings you have described are indeed

challenging. As you said especially when you are not sure what they

are, where they come from and the feeling of many overwhelming

thoughts and feelings all at once. It is quite painful for you I can

see. What I also see is courage, courage that you reached out your

hand to me and the rest of this family that loves you so! I give you

big, tight hugs, my dear.

I know it seems like things will never be " ok " or that this

will be the way you will have to live each day, but please heed my

humble advice for you, dear one. I also had troubles growing up,

alcoholic and sexually abusive father, emotionless (or tho we think)

mother, and therapy that you are in is a wonderful way of having

someone you can trust, truly trust to tell those most painful

memories to. Remembering my past was also difficult. It was like I

existed, but cannot remember. I blocked the really terrible memories

until my inner self knew I was ready. I believe you are in a

grieving process for that childhood you never had.

I offer you my support. I am not a therapist or someone whom

is more advanced in their teaching you of coping skills but I hope

you find some peace in knowing that I am praying for you and sending

loving energy of hope and strength to get through this difficult

process of healing your heart. Your decision to ask for help is one

that some people unfortunately never make and they are very sad.

Anger is one of those feelings that are hard to express, especially

if you have been verbally abused, hun. It seems that if we show

anger, we are just like that angry person that hurt us. You are not

that person, Lara, I can see that in your sharing of your feelings

with us. Anger is definitely ok to feel. Yes, sometimes it feels

like it has a mind of it's own for lack of better way to explain it.

I have issues too with anger for I do not want to hurt anyone with

words. I do not strike people but also do not want to hurt them with

angry words I truly don't mean. Instead, I start to cry, and at

first did not understand why. I now know thru my therapy that it is

those past feelings that I am still working through.

Please, my sweet friend, give yourself time, when you feel

angry, my little idea for you is to release it in a positive way. My

little suggestion is one that I use which is easier when no one is

around if you feel they will not understand why you are doing it.

What I do is take a golf club, not to harm myself of course, but to

hit my mattress on my bed, releasing anger. I yell, I say what I

need to say to whomever comes to mind that I feel anger towards, it

just seems to help. It of course is something I do to help cope, not

to harm me or anyone else. You are too precious, Persian Rose (a

beautiful name I must say and healing is at times a really tough

process. I know there are many of our family members here that have

helped me so much. Talking to your therapist, keeping a journal, all

those wonderful things will help. I know when you are feeling not

yourself, it is even hard to bring yourself to face these feelings

but I sincerely believe you are on the right path for yourself at the

exact and perfect time. Give yourself patience, my dear, you deserve

it. Many, many heartfelt hugs and love and light to you Lara!

You are in my thoughts and prayers, You are strong, You are worth it,

You are my sister, We are One.... Namaste, LUNA ---

In , " Lara Kearns " <persian_rose9@...>

wrote:

>

> Dearest Friends:

> For 8 yrs from when I was 13 until I was 22 yrs old I was verbally

> and emotionally abused by my ex-stepdad. I was in survival mode

for

> those 8 yrs plus about 4 yrs or so afterwards and I've only just

> started remembering and working through it all as of about a year

and

> half to two yrs ago. I am in therapy with a wonderful therapist

whom

> I trust and I can talk to her about anything and everything. I hope

> all is well with you. I'm really not doing well at all, I'm a

> complete emotional mess. My head or my mind know's that's It's Not

My

> Fault, and that I'm Worth It, but my heart still hasn't gotten it

> yet. So I know that in the back of my mind, but at the same time

the

> feelings of not feeling worth and feeling like it's my fault, etc

are

> so extremely over powering so much so that I forget that I Actually

> Am Worth It and that It's Not My Fault, etc. Right now oh how I

wish

> there were never such a thing as feelings as I'm in so much pain. I

> know god's doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it sure the

> hell feels like alot more than I can handle. but I guess it must

not

> be otherwise I wouldn't be going through this right now. I'm just a

> complete mess and it feels like everything is coming out backwards.

I

> know I'm angry , but I still have yet to find it as it burried way

> deep down in side somewhere so! instead of getting angry I upset

and

> depressed, etc and can't stop crying,etc, and am feeling unworthy

and

> unloved and not valued, and whatever else goes along with it all.

> This is just so dam unfair. I'm also still not sleeping very well

or

> not getting much sleep at all if any and I cry myself to sleep

and/or

> wake up crying. Sometime I have so many dam feelings like now I

don't

> even know what they all are besides the fact that I've always had

> trouble identifing my feelings. I live at home with my mom and my

new

> step-dad but I'm not really able to talk to either of them most

> especially my mom as she has never been emotionally available to me

> ever since I was little and I don't think she will ever be. I'm so

> very much in need of being held and comforted and a great big hug,

> but as usual I don't have anyone here at home to do that. I guess

I'm

> still very much in need of some serious and I mean serious healing

> prayers. Even know as I'm sitting here writing this I feel like I

> could burst into tears again at any second and I can feel the tears

> starting to roll down my cheeks this very second.

>

> Love, {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}} & Blessings,

> Your Sister Lara xoxo

> Feeling unworthy, unloved and not valued in Tolland,CT

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Lara

My heart goes out to you.

I too had an abusive father, and my mother being emotionally

dependent on me unfortunaly could not comfort me as a mother.

It may be hard to see at the moment but your experience can make you

stronger and be to others what you did not have yourself.

Soon you will have the freedom to be yourself and find inner peace

which you so deserve and need.

Once the anger transforms into compassion towards your step father,

you will be happier. It can take a long time but you have taken the

first step for healing by acknowledging the pain and asking for

support.

I agree with Luna 100%, " things may never be ok, but you will have to

live each day " . Make that choice for joy which is rightfully yours.

Lots of hugs, love and peace

Isabel

> >

> > Dearest Friends:

> > For 8 yrs from when I was 13 until I was 22 yrs old I was

verbally

> > and emotionally abused by my ex-stepdad. I was in survival mode

> for

> > those 8 yrs plus about 4 yrs or so afterwards and I've only just

> > started remembering and working through it all as of about a year

> and

> > half to two yrs ago. I am in therapy with a wonderful therapist

> whom

> > I trust and I can talk to her about anything and everything. I

hope

> > all is well with you. I'm really not doing well at all, I'm a

> > complete emotional mess. My head or my mind know's that's It's

Not

> My

> > Fault, and that I'm Worth It, but my heart still hasn't gotten it

> > yet. So I know that in the back of my mind, but at the same time

> the

> > feelings of not feeling worth and feeling like it's my fault, etc

> are

> > so extremely over powering so much so that I forget that I

Actually

> > Am Worth It and that It's Not My Fault, etc. Right now oh how I

> wish

> > there were never such a thing as feelings as I'm in so much pain.

I

> > know god's doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it sure

the

> > hell feels like alot more than I can handle. but I guess it must

> not

> > be otherwise I wouldn't be going through this right now. I'm just

a

> > complete mess and it feels like everything is coming out

backwards.

> I

> > know I'm angry , but I still have yet to find it as it burried

way

> > deep down in side somewhere so! instead of getting angry I upset

> and

> > depressed, etc and can't stop crying,etc, and am feeling unworthy

> and

> > unloved and not valued, and whatever else goes along with it all.

> > This is just so dam unfair. I'm also still not sleeping very well

> or

> > not getting much sleep at all if any and I cry myself to sleep

> and/or

> > wake up crying. Sometime I have so many dam feelings like now I

> don't

> > even know what they all are besides the fact that I've always had

> > trouble identifing my feelings. I live at home with my mom and my

> new

> > step-dad but I'm not really able to talk to either of them most

> > especially my mom as she has never been emotionally available to

me

> > ever since I was little and I don't think she will ever be. I'm

so

> > very much in need of being held and comforted and a great big

hug,

> > but as usual I don't have anyone here at home to do that. I guess

> I'm

> > still very much in need of some serious and I mean serious

healing

> > prayers. Even know as I'm sitting here writing this I feel like I

> > could burst into tears again at any second and I can feel the

tears

> > starting to roll down my cheeks this very second.

> >

> > Love, {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}} & Blessings,

> > Your Sister Lara xoxo

> > Feeling unworthy, unloved and not valued in Tolland,CT

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello beautiful Lara, and welcome to our wonderful family! I feel your pain very strongly, and the first thing that popped up into my head is on the lines of what Cheryl wrote. Forgiveness. This is what's going to help you heal my love. It's a hard road to live in anger and pain. The forgiveness I feel you need is not for your step-dad. That will come when you're ready, but I feel like you need to forgive yourself first. Please forgive yourself. Find your self-worth and love yourself like others love you. Here's a very powerful exercise you can do to help you down a road of self-forgiveness. Sit down and write everything it is about yourself you are angry at. Write down what has made you so angry and hurt (like your past with your step-dad). Write down whatever you feel you need to and don't hold anything back! Then once you feel you have it all, and all those emotions are saturating the paper/s you're writing on. Take the paper, and burn it. While it's going up in flames allow your heart to let go. Out loud say "I forgive myself". Let it all fade away like the paper. Then release the ashes outside in the wind. Let the anger and pain fly away with the ashes. You don't need it anymore. Most of us in this group have had incredibly difficult childhoods or experiences as victims. Most of us are also empaths and can really understand on a deep level the pain you're going through my love. Know we are here for you as you heal and grow. Infinite love to you,Stefanie>> Dearest Friends: > For 8 yrs from when I was 13 until I was 22 yrs old I was verbally > and emotionally abused by my ex-stepdad. I was in survival mode for > those 8 yrs plus about 4 yrs or so afterwards and I've only just > started remembering and working through it all as of about a year and > half to two yrs ago. I am in therapy with a wonderful therapist whom > I trust and I can talk to her about anything and everything. I hope > all is well with you. I'm really not doing well at all, I'm a > complete emotional mess. My head or my mind know's that's It's Not My > Fault, and that I'm Worth It, but my heart still hasn't gotten it > yet. So I know that in the back of my mind, but at the same time the > feelings of not feeling worth and feeling like it's my fault, etc are > so extremely over powering so much so that I forget that I Actually > Am Worth It and that It's Not My Fault, etc. Right now oh how I wish > there were never such a thing as feelings as I'm in so much pain. I > know god's doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it sure the > hell feels like alot more than I can handle. but I guess it must not > be otherwise I wouldn't be going through this right now. I'm just a > complete mess and it feels like everything is coming out backwards. I > know I'm angry , but I still have yet to find it as it burried way > deep down in side somewhere so! instead of getting angry I upset and > depressed, etc and can't stop crying,etc, and am feeling unworthy and > unloved and not valued, and whatever else goes along with it all. > This is just so dam unfair. I'm also still not sleeping very well or > not getting much sleep at all if any and I cry myself to sleep and/or > wake up crying. Sometime I have so many dam feelings like now I don't > even know what they all are besides the fact that I've always had > trouble identifing my feelings. I live at home with my mom and my new > step-dad but I'm not really able to talk to either of them most > especially my mom as she has never been emotionally available to me > ever since I was little and I don't think she will ever be. I'm so > very much in need of being held and comforted and a great big hug, > but as usual I don't have anyone here at home to do that. I guess I'm > still very much in need of some serious and I mean serious healing > prayers. Even know as I'm sitting here writing this I feel like I > could burst into tears again at any second and I can feel the tears > starting to roll down my cheeks this very second. > > Love, {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}} & Blessings, > Your Sister Lara xoxo > Feeling unworthy, unloved and not valued in Tolland,CT>

[Guest guest]

Beautiful and Blessed Soul, Lara...Your pain is acute and intense but so too is your strength and your inner-light, Love. Hang on and know that we add you not only to our Healing and Prayer Grids but that I also extend my personal hand (along with Liane) to work with you on healing. If not, no worries, we will not be offended, honey. We offer without agenda or reservation or expectation. We simply seek to help allay your pain through the healing process. :: bow of respect ::Either way, you remain in the official Healing Grid and my own personal prayers and healing energies.Lara, if you are open to calling us, you may have my personal cell #. Please email me at alisonkain444@....Blessed be...Many prayers, Much Love and Light to you sweet Soul...~Alison or Ali (Eternally A Seeker on MySpace)~Lara Kearns <persian_rose9@...> wrote: Dearest Friends: For 8 yrs from when I was 13 until I was 22 yrs old I was verbally and emotionally abused by my ex-stepdad. I was in survival mode for those 8 yrs plus about 4 yrs or so afterwards and I've only just started remembering and working through it all as of about a year and half to two yrs ago. I am in therapy with a wonderful therapist whom I trust and I can talk to her about anything and everything. I hope all is well with you. I'm really not doing well at all, I'm a complete emotional mess. My head or my mind know's that's It's Not My Fault, and that

I'm Worth It, but my heart still hasn't gotten it yet. So I know that in the back of my mind, but at the same time the feelings of not feeling worth and feeling like it's my fault, etc are so extremely over powering so much so that I forget that I Actually Am Worth It and that It's Not My Fault, etc. Right now oh how I wish there were never such a thing as feelings as I'm in so much pain. I know god's doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it sure the hell feels like alot more than I can handle. but I guess it must not be otherwise I wouldn't be going through this right now. I'm just a complete mess and it feels like everything is coming out backwards. I know I'm angry , but I still have yet to find it as it burried way deep down in side somewhere so! instead of getting angry I upset and depressed, etc and can't stop crying,etc, and am feeling unworthy and unloved and not valued, and whatever else goes

along with it all. This is just so dam unfair. I'm also still not sleeping very well or not getting much sleep at all if any and I cry myself to sleep and/or wake up crying. Sometime I have so many dam feelings like now I don't even know what they all are besides the fact that I've always had trouble identifing my feelings. I live at home with my mom and my new step-dad but I'm not really able to talk to either of them most especially my mom as she has never been emotionally available to me ever since I was little and I don't think she will ever be. I'm so very much in need of being held and comforted and a great big hug, but as usual I don't have anyone here at home to do that. I guess I'm still very much in need of some serious and I mean serious healing prayers. Even know as I'm sitting here writing this I feel like I could burst into tears again at any second and I can feel the tears starting to

roll down my cheeks this very second. Love, {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}} & Blessings, Your Sister Lara xoxo Feeling unworthy, unloved and not valued in Tolland,CT

[Guest guest]

Sweet Lara, you are definatly in tthe right place for for prayer and healing !!! my name is Anastasia Welcome to our Family here at HH you are in my prayers and I am wrapping you in a tight {{{hug}}} and sending healing softly in your direction.... Feel free to post and ask questions whatever you like and we will take care of you .. Blessed Be Child AnastasiaLara Kearns <persian_rose9@...> wrote: Dearest Friends: For 8 yrs from when I was 13 until I was 22 yrs old I was verbally and

emotionally abused by my ex-stepdad. I was in survival mode for those 8 yrs plus about 4 yrs or so afterwards and I've only just started remembering and working through it all as of about a year and half to two yrs ago. I am in therapy with a wonderful therapist whom I trust and I can talk to her about anything and everything. I hope all is well with you. I'm really not doing well at all, I'm a complete emotional mess. My head or my mind know's that's It's Not My Fault, and that I'm Worth It, but my heart still hasn't gotten it yet. So I know that in the back of my mind, but at the same time the feelings of not feeling worth and feeling like it's my fault, etc are so extremely over powering so much so that I forget that I Actually Am Worth It and that It's Not My Fault, etc. Right now oh how I wish there were never such a thing as feelings as I'm in so much pain. I know god's doesn't give us more than we can handle, but

it sure the hell feels like alot more than I can handle. but I guess it must not be otherwise I wouldn't be going through this right now. I'm just a complete mess and it feels like everything is coming out backwards. I know I'm angry , but I still have yet to find it as it burried way deep down in side somewhere so! instead of getting angry I upset and depressed, etc and can't stop crying,etc, and am feeling unworthy and unloved and not valued, and whatever else goes along with it all. This is just so dam unfair. I'm also still not sleeping very well or not getting much sleep at all if any and I cry myself to sleep and/or wake up crying. Sometime I have so many dam feelings like now I don't even know what they all are besides the fact that I've always had trouble identifing my feelings. I live at home with my mom and my new step-dad but I'm not really able to talk to either of them most especially my mom as she has

never been emotionally available to me ever since I was little and I don't think she will ever be. I'm so very much in need of being held and comforted and a great big hug, but as usual I don't have anyone here at home to do that. I guess I'm still very much in need of some serious and I mean serious healing prayers. Even know as I'm sitting here writing this I feel like I could burst into tears again at any second and I can feel the tears starting to roll down my cheeks this very second. Love, {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}} & Blessings, Your Sister Lara xoxo Feeling unworthy, unloved and not valued in Tolland,CT Anastasia __________________________________________________