MEDICAL MALAPROPISMS, MISPRONUNCIATIONS, AND OTHER STRANGE (and sometimes stupi

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<MEDICAL MALAPROPISMS, MISPRONUNCIATIONS, AND OTHER STRANGE (and sometimes

stupid) EVENTS

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Medical Malapropisms, Mispronunciations,

and Other Strange (and often stupid) Things

Last addition to this page 7/19/97.

Thanks for all the contributions!

Q: Is there a history of heart disease in your family? A: Well, my

grandmother had a little vagina.

A 20y/o man presented to the ER with complaints of burning pain in his right

thigh, and a foul odor. Triage nurse noted smoke coming from his pants leg.

The patient reached in his pocket and pulled out a LIT cigarette and

exclaimed " I thought I put that out! "

Patient with the name 'Regus Patoff' Doe, mom said he was named after the

guy who makes everything (Reg. U.S. Pat. Off.)

He has them 'athletic fits' and quit taking his 'peanut butterballs'.

(phenobarbital)

A prisoner came into the medical ward complaining of 'the poison' in his

penis (assuming to be talking about an STD). The patient dropped his pants

to reveal that he had taken a sock and tied it around his penis and

testicles as tightly as he could to keep the infection from spreading. The

penis and testicles were bloated and gangrenous... they were amputated 2

days later.

An intoxicated patient with a roach in his ear stands up on the stretcher

and screams, 'A roach is eating my brain' and attempts to stab it with a

pen.

Could you look at this and tell me if it's poison ivory?

I've got a bad case of 'piles', you got any preparation H?

Be sure to give me the real thing, I don't want any 'gin-tonic' brand.

Pregnant patient: 'I'm having contraptions and they really hurt.

Patient complained that she had pain in her CAT. After much questioning it

was discovered that the patient considered this a more polite and TEK-NICKEL

term for 'down there'.

While a nurse was moving an elderly patient into an exam room, the nurse

asked the patient why she came to the doctor and what some of her symptoms

were. Her reply was...'That's for him to find out, he's the doctor, what do

you think I'm paying him for?' (I hope she's seeing Dr. Kreskin)

A child with eczema had crustaceans in his ears.

The mother said her child had the whole evacuation at the Child Development

Center.

A medical student was asked where you find men with XYY chromosomes, her

response was: " In penile institutions " .

" My son has an 'upperatory rest infection'. "

" My penis has changed colors "

" He may have drank a whole bottle of 'Fema bottletop'. " (Phenobarbital)

" I take 'Premium' " = Premarin

This one's R rated because of language. Comments from a psychotic patient

(all screamed at the top of his lungs) " If you kill me we'll go to DEFCON 3

and EVERYBODY dies " , " My father's on the battlestar and we've changed the

codes, and he's watching you " , " I've got an appointment with the mayor this

week and somebody better be ready to explain why... three police officers

wouldn't suck my ____. " Jesus save me, I know you can save me, and if you

can't... Chuck Norris can, save me Chuck " While having his foley

placed... " They're cutting my d___ off, they're cutting my d___off, tell

Chuck Norris not to come because they'll cut his d___ off too. "

" My hands tingle when I take a dump. "

Triage Nurse: " Have you had a productive cough for more than three weeks? "

Patient: " Well, I'm illiterate, so it's hard for me to say. "

" I have 'Metro Valve Prolapse' " (Must be an urban condition)

" I had heart problems several years ago... My doctor said they were 'atrial

tribulations'. "

A woman coming in for a routine blood pressure check asked, " So next time I

need my Castor Oil level checked, right? " (cholesterol)

A woman I was about to put on antibiotics complained that she always got a

yeast infection when she took antibiotics. Then she looked at me and said,

" I know this sounds gross, but when I get a yeast infection, I just put

yogurt up there and it helps the itching and it seems to get better quicker "

.. I looked at her with my best straight face and asked, " fruit at the

bottom " ?

He's been having urinary 'consonants'. (hmmm....I wonder if he has vowel

movements too)

Mom: " I thought he might have infectious 'JUNK-O-VITIS', but he didn't have

any junk coming out of his eyes. "

A 3 y/o patient was sent to the ER from a private MD's office because he

felt she would need to be sedated to have her laceration repaired. At the

triage window the mom announced, " I have a 3 y/o here that needs to be

seduced to get stitches " .

My doctor gave me teflon perles for my cough. (Tessalon perles)

RN: Do you take any medications? PT: Yes, I take a heart pill and a blood

thinner. RN: So you have a heart condition? PT: Yes, I have a 'spacemaker'.

I've got 'gouge'. (gout)

A patient came to an ER in California to see if the crystal she wore was the

right one for her. The MD's response was, " I'm not sure, but I expect that

if you think you have the right crystal, then you do. "

" I have slurred vision " .

Report from nursing home RN: " The patient is severely demeniated "

(demented).

An internist was called to the ER to evaluate a patient with chest pain. The

pain was described as stabbing (not typical of cardiac pain) but the ER doc

(not me!) thought it needed further work up. I don't know what other

associated symptoms the patient reported, but the internist in the course of

the physical exam, found....a stab wound in the chest!

It said on the bottle to consult a fisican.

" I take the GENETIC of 'Darvon' for my pain. "

An elderly man in bed in the hospital (with a urinal in place, beneath his

gown) said to his wife " I need to whiz " . And she replied " Go ahead, you've

got your jiggle in a jug " .

I've had a " tuber grashon " . (tubal ligation)

A resident went to examine a pediatric pt in the ER whose first name was

KRIC. He asked the mother what was wrong with the pt, he pronounced the name

" Crick " , mom corrected him and said " It's pronounced '' " . The resident

responded " Well K-R-I-C would spell " Crick " . Mom explained to him that her

sister had told her you could spell with a 'K'.

" I've been vomiting stuff that tastes like when you eat your earwax. "

His fever got up to " one-o-three point twelve " .

Family member to paramedic... " We've been doing Cardio-preliminary

Resurrection for about 10 minutes now. "

She's been sweating profusioiusly.

His left ear hurts and he's been " snarfing " . (I don't know, but I imagine

it's some kind of noise)

I've got a skin " corruption " .

Ana-proxy = Anaprox

Incompetence = Incontinence

Freakin' urination = Frequent urination

Crozone injections = Cortisone injections

Wheezeling = Wheezing

Muculous = Mucus

" I had glazer surgery for my chronicle glycora. " =I had laser surgery for my

chronic glaucoma.

" My baby can't have caught colic, she hasn't been out of the house yet. "

Fleem = Phlegm

" When I burp, bowel comes up. " = When I burp, bile comes up.

Pillicillin = Penicillin

Augusticin = Augmentin

Hydra hernia = Hiatal hernia

Ministration = Menstruation

Hyena hernia = Hiatal hernia

Smilin' Mighty Jesus = Spinal Meningitis(this one is well known)

Vomiking = Vomiting

Patient states she put cotton balls in her ears to make her sinuses drain.

Sockafus = Esophagus

Tubicle baby = Tubal pregnancy

An 18m/o boy was brought to the ER after having fallen in the bathtub and

was found " unresponsive " (pulseless?). Dad started CPR and called 911.

Unwilling to wait for the ambulance Dad loaded the child in his car and

raced towards the ER at speeds in excess of 100mph, while doing chest

compressions on the boy lying, unrestrained, in the front seat. He lost

control of his car and rolled it over into a creek. Miraculously the boy

came to. In the ER after finding that his son was OK the father stated,

" It's a good thing I knew what I was doing! "

Prostrate = Prostate (this one is common)

Thrash = Thrush

MD: Do you drink alcohol? Pt: I drink a little on the weekends? MD: What's a

little, a sixpack? Pt: You mean BEER too?... Well I drink a case a day. MD:

Then what's your " little " on the weekends? Pt: A case to a case and a half

plus a fifth of hard liquor each day. MD: THAT'S a LITTLE!?! Pt: Well my

friends drink alot!

A 24y/o male had his Social Security Number tatoo'd around his anus. (I

don't know why, but at least someone found a use for it)

Tatoo on a prostitute, just above the pubic area: NADA FOR NADA

Another tatoo, same body location, different patient: GATEWAY TO HEAVEN

My nature's down = Impotent

Tatoo on a lady's buttocks: In Case of Rape, Please Turn over

When asked if she had anything at home with which to treat her asthma, a

woman said, " Yes, I have a defibrillator. " MD:You mean a nebulizer? Pt:

Yeah, that's it.

A 62y/o man was brought to the ER with a cucumber in his rectum. The man

emphatically denied he knew how it got there. After it was removed, the wife

(who was trusting but obviously doubted her husbands ignorance) asked the

surgeon how it got there. The surgeon replied, " Well ma'am, your husband

needs to chew his food better. "

I haven't " demonstrated " in 3 months.

I might be " stagnant "

" I've been in bed with a doctor for 2 nites and he hasn't done me any good

yet. "

After removing a battery powered vibrator from the rectum of a 55y/o man,

the surgeon told him that if he used one that plugged into the wall, he

might not have this problem.

High anus hernia = Hiatal hernia

A 50 woman came to the ER with complaints of a roach in her left ear. The

woman had tried to wash it out of her left ear by pouring water in the right

ear to " wash it through " .

" Can you check my alcohol pressure? "

Sick as hell anemia = Sickle cell anemia

High blood = Hypertension Low blood = Anemia Bad blood = Syphilis Sweet

blood = diabetes

My son has an edible complex.

" My doctor does urethral digitations on me. "

" I've been bleevin' and passin' clogs. "

Infantigo = Impetigo (really common)

Fibrillatory seizures = Febrile seizures

" I have barnicle pneumonia "

Nigra listenin' = Nitroglycerin

A & M Pee Clinic = AM/PM Clinic

Status ulcer = Stasis ulcer

Ass-essed tooth = Abscessed tooth

20y/o female noticed spontaneous bruises over both lower extremities. No

history of trauma or even exercise. She went to a clinic where she was

evaluated and sent her to the ER where she could be worked up for a possible

bleeding disorder. Upon exam pt was noted to have extensive bruises from the

knees down, however it was also noted that the pt had been wearing purple

sweats. The bruises wiped off with a wet rag.

Chicken breath = Short of breath

Information pills = Inflamation pills

Old timers disease = Alzheimer's disease

Texas-cycloline = Tetracycline

Elipepsy = Epilepsy

" My vaginal discharge is so heavy that I have to change my underwear

EVERYDAY! (yuk! Don't invite her to the pool party!)

While working with a 3 y/o girl with febrile seizures, one Christmas Eve.

The mom, who was understandably distraught, asked frantically (with a heavy

southern accent), " But doctor, why is she seizin' why is she seizin'?!? As I

looked up at the nurse that was helping me, I noticed her Xmas button that

read " Jesus is the reason for the Season " . I kept my mouth shut.

Technical shot = Tetanus shot

" I can't take a water pill, it messes up my electric lights. "

" I was watching " Star Trek " and the understanding of the universe came to

me. " (A quote from a psychotic pt)

" She just had her shots last week, she had her MMR and her DHLP. " (If you

don't understand that one, ask your vet)

" I'm on depakote because I have cancer of my scoliosis. "

RN: (at triage desk) Do you have any medical problems we should be aware of?

Pt:No. RN: Do you take any medications? Pt: Yes, I take a fluid pill for

water around my heart. I take a sugar pill. And I take a pill for high blood

pressure. RN: So you have Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, and

Hypertension. Pt: Yea, I do.

" I don't think it's my heart, I don't have any pain, it just hurts. "

Flea bites = Phlebitis

A man who had a history of cardiac arrhythmias requiring

electrocardioversion collapsed at home. His wife was somewhat familiar with

this and ran to the neighbors house screaming, " Help, someone call the

paramutuals to come jump start my husband " .

I need to " sparkle " . = I need to urinate.

A woman with a rash stated she thought she had poison oak. When asked why

she thought it was poison oak she said, " because there are a lot of oak

trees in our yard " .

A 28y/o man with a penile discharge complained of " My pee-gina is leaking " .

Sine-yule-nitis = Sinusitis (sounds Christmas-ish, doesn't it?)

Hospital employee presents to ER with complaint of right foot pain... She

dropped the safety manual on it.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90+y/o man (he got his hand

caught in a gate while working his cattle), we were discussing Clinton's

health care reform ideas. The old man said " Well, ya know old Clinton's a

post turtle " . So, of course, I asked him what a " post turtle " was. And he

said " When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence

post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't

get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done

while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. "

Tracheobursitis = Tracheobronchitis

While examining an obese woman a third year medical student moved the

patients left breast to the side in order to listen to her heart. Beneath

her breast he found a sandwich in a ziplock bag. The patient stated " Oh

yeah, I forgot about that. "

This one is REALLY DISGUSTING...

A male prisoner was brought back to the hospital to have his colostomy

re-anastomosed. He asked if he could keep it. Further exam revealed venereal

warts on both his colostomy and his mucus fistula. (It was apparent he was

making a little extra money " on the side " .)

A tatoo on a prisoner in the hospital:

A mother brought her 10 day old baby into the ER. The umbilical cord had

fallen off and she was concerned because " there's a hole there now " .

A thirteen year old girl came to the ER with complaints of nausea and

vomiting. She was found to be pregnant. She denied ever having had sex. When

confronted with the fact that she had to have had sex to be pregnant

(barring the possibility of a second emaculate conception) she said that she

shares a bed with her older sister who often has sex with her boyfriend, and

she " might have gotten splashed with some " .

During my residency in Florida, we received a call from an outside ER

physician about a 3y/o near drown victim that was still comatose. On a call

back to that ER to get further informaton, the conversation went like this:

Resident: I need some more information about the comatose patient.

ER Nurse: What comatose patient?

Resident: Don't you have a near drown patient there.

ER Nurse: Yes, but that's him you hear screaming behind me.

Resident: May I speak with the ER physician again please.

ER MD: Yes?

Resident: About your comatose patient.

ER MD: Yes?

Resident: Is that him I screaming behind you?

ER MD: Uh... Well...He wakes up when he's stimulated.

Similar situation to above. An ER MD wanted to transfer a 3w/o infant with

possible sepsis. He had done no labs, given no medications, and wanted to

send the child 45min by private vehicle to the children's hospital. When he

was told the labs, cultures, and LP needed to be done immediately, so that

the first doses of antibiotics could be given prior to transfer, and that IV

access was critical, his response was.. " Baby too sick for IV " .

From insurance form, patient wrote... " I have low back pain caused by a

herniated dick " .

I have to include this one. I heard it in med school, and I thought

everyone had heard it, but it has been e-mailed to me from people in 6

different states and Venezuela.

'I've got fireballs of the ucharist' = fibroids of the uterus

High hurtle hernia = Hiatal hernia

From a medical transcriptionist:

The patient is to have no intercourse until she returns to my

office in 2 weeks.

The patient's ear canals were full of cerebrum.

The patient's ear canals had clumps of semen.

Crackers were heard in the left lower lung field.

Contributions are welcome... e-mail me.

More to come.

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