A Perspective on Self-Esteem

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A Perspective on Self-Esteem

By Deborah Deuel

I had been reading a newsletter from Ken Page, Author and founding facilitator of Multidimensional Cellular Healing, when the information expressed by him inspired me to do some meditation. I found myself reflecting on some recent experiences in my life. This article is a result of the awareness and understanding I received and I share it with you, as food for thought.I believe that at some point in our lives, we have had or are struggling with issues of self-esteem. Human beings seem to come from a place of needing to feel loved and respect. When the feelings of love, acceptance and respect have been withheld, people seem to go in one of two main directions with the behavior of how this lack of self-esteem is expressed. When self-esteem is lacking, the behavior seems to express itself through other predominate characteristics of the personality.In my experience, those who have a strong personality and a developed ego presence demonstrate the expression of low self-esteem through behavior that tends to over dramatize a situation. When they are relaying an experience, this personality has a tendency to over exaggerate or embellish the story. You know, they make the situation more then it was. In extreme cases, constant lying becomes a normal cycle of behavior. These personalities also tend to put down other people, describing them in unflattering terms while stating their accomplishments as if no one is acknowledging how wonderful they are or how great their contribution may be.Depending on the degree of the lack of self-esteem a person is dealing with, the demonstration of such behaviors will vary in their intensity. The more someone suffers from low self-esteem the more they will react on an emotional level, attacking and lashing out at other peoples short comings as they see them. These personalities also tend to be very controlling of their environment. They tend to set high standards for the behavior of those close to them and demand that they cooperate with those standards. When those standards are not met then they become irrational and attack those around them verbally and emotionally, spouting that they are the ones that know best. They speak of respect and yet demonstrate a lack of it to those around them. Severe cases almost always remind me of the typical stories of the schoolyard bully.Many of us have experienced such a person in our lives who demonstrates these types of behaviors to some degree. At first, we tend not to think of these people as having low self-esteem because they present a strong air of self-confidence and self-knowing. They are usually very intelligent and have spent years studying their craft in order to demonstrate their talents. They themselves would not accept that they are really insecure inside. If you can see this behavior as an over compensation, then you can see that inside they too are insecure and in desperate need of love and acceptance. I have learned a lot from the people in my life that have demonstrated such behaviors. They do however, have a greater challenge in fulfilling their desire for love and acceptance because their own ego presence makes it hard for them to even consider that there is a problem with their behavior. Considering that they really suffer from low self-esteem is even harder for them to swallow. The other direction low self esteem quite often takes is one that I have personally experienced. It shows through as an outright demonstration of lack of self worth. These personalities are aware of their lack of self-esteem. Their behavior demonstrates this clearly. They are eager to take the blame when a situation goes other then how it was planned. They tend to take on more tasks then anyone else in order to demonstrate their abilities and receive praise and respect. They are usually great planners and organizers and when they are congratulated on a job well done they cannot accept that praise, they tend to point out something they could have done better. These personalities are quick to apologize for anything that goes the slightest bit wrong and will do what they can to move heaven and earth in order to accommodate everyone else's needs. People pleasers, they continuously put their own needs on hold. They are the enablers in this world, hoping that deep down if they do enough for others that they will feel good about themselves. ly, the opposite is usually the result. These people are sometimes mistaken as weak because their personalities are not as demonstrative as the other demonstration. In fact, these personalities are very strong both physically and emotionally. This strength is developed over years of overloading themselves with the needs of others and project after project. They constantly challenge themselves and quite often demonstrate a relentless stubbornness as well. They are usually more aware of their lack of self-esteem but their personality makes it difficult for them to shift this because they truly believe they are not entitled to anything better.Neither path is easy. Of course these are just examples and the behaviors for which low self-esteem is expressed are as varied as our personalities and the degree of existing self-esteem. All of us must come to the realization that the underlying cause to low self-esteem is our hunger to feel loved, accepted and respected. Once that is embraced then the next step is to realize that there is only one way for that hunger to be fulfilled. There is only one person that can fulfill that need ... YOU!The only person that can fill this void within us is ourselves. When we can give that unconditional love and acceptance to ourselves, the issues of self-esteem will dissipate and you will find yourself reaching a place of calm and peace. As you become more balanced within this self love and acceptance, you will discover that you no longer need to put down or control others, you will no longer need to express strongly that you are the best at what you do nor do you have to apologize for who you are and make excuses for want you have not accomplished. When you can successfully fill the void within, with genuine love and acceptance for yourself, the need for outside respect also dissipates. You will find yourself in this space that I experience and refer to as a "neutral zone of compassionate detachment". Viewing oneself and others from this placement eliminates the emotional need to exaggerate ones life, berate others or oneself, and eliminates as well, the need to take on more than what is comfortable. You work from a place that now honors yourself and others. You see the triple flame of wisdom, love and power within everyone, even if their behavior may not be that in which you wish to be associated with. How does one find this placement I call the "neutral zone of compassionate detachment"? I don't think there is one formula to fit all. As a spiritual facilitator, it has been my experience that we all have to go on that journey within to find the steps each individual must take. The lack of self-esteem is an individual experience based on many factors including the environment in which you were raised and each person's personality traits. I can tell you from what I have experienced and witnessed in others, it starts by making the choice to change behavior that is fear based. The fear based behaviors control and feed low self- esteem. It is also important to take conscious steps to make every effort to be kind to yourself first and foremost and honest with yourself and others. It was surprising to me to experience that so many people, including myself, really have no idea what it means to be kind to yourself. Having patience with yourself is a very big act of kindness. Many of us beat up on ourselves all day long and do not even realize it. Be patient with yourself as you put new patterns into your life. Breaking dysfunctional patterns can be as difficult as breaking an addiction but with conscious effort and time you will find yourself catching the behavior and the act of replacing it with a kinder behavior will become spontaneous with practice. Another act of kindness that you can give yourself that will help you to change the behavior and promote self worth is to forgive yourself.Forgiveness is very important and when combined with positive self imagine talk you will find yourself moving quickly to a place of self-acceptance. When you can be kind, patient and forgiving of yourself on an on going basis, you will develop a placement within where this now becomes a way of life. This kindness will spill out towards others easily and without effort because it is now a sincere aspect of who you are. I also mentioned honesty with yourself and others. It is important to develop a pattern of honesty. Every little white lie and exaggeration we tell, we hurt our self-esteem because we step out of integrity with our truth. Look at the real reasons behind the white lies and exaggeration and work on those issues. Tackle these issues one at a time as you can. A trap that a lot of people set is to take on to many changes to quickly and then when they cannot live up to their expectations they fall back into the old patterns with even more conviction and another load to pile on the already low self-esteem.I mentioned fear based behaviors and when struck by fear, I envision myself in a pillar of white light and I ask to be held in the love and light and to wash my fears away. Doing this action reaffirms that I am worth loving and takes me out of the groove of the fear based pattern. Fear cannot live and grow in the light of love. Eliminate fear and doubt from your life and you are on your way to removing the obstacles that block you from experiencing genuine self-love.As you start to change your patterns and behavior to that of self supporting actions, there will be times when being kind to you will cause others to be disappointed or upset because you no longer react in the manner that they are accustomed. In those cases honesty is the still the best policy. It is ok if you find yourself in a space where you cannot assist someone. If you are to stay true to yourself, this will happen from time to time. How you treat those people at that moment is just as important as how you treat yourself. Be kind with your honesty, learn to deal with conflict if that is an issue for you, avoidance is not a solution. It is important however, that you allow yourself to meet your needs and to not compromise your personal integrity. As Ken Page mentioned in his newsletter, "Lying confuses us and distorts our perceptions of reality. Lying causes us to distrust our own feelings, creating separation and miscommunication with our Higher Self. One of the requirements of mastering unconditional love for ourselves and all creation is to be honest." Yes, this does apply to those little white lies as well. Again, have patience with yourself if breaking these patterns takes time and forgive yourself when you falter. Realize that the catching of this behavior, even after the fact, is a step towards changing the behavior and acknowledge that as a positive achievement. There is no need for berating yourself.So in ending this, let me just say, "have courage dear ones, make the changes as you can, be kind to yourself and embrace who you are in this very moment as someone divine and whole, for everything is as it is meant to be, in any given moment".Explore and embrace you with courage and kindness and always with ...smiles, laughter and love,Deborah Deuel

_______________Inner Soulutions Inc. is dedicated to assisting those who are interested in exploring the universe within and encourages exploration of the works by others dedicated to fostering self-awareness. You never know when you will read some words that will cause you to have a realization that will move your forward on your path. My thanks to Ken and his words of inspiration. Here is the link to Ken Page's site for exploring www.kenpage.com. Do enjoy your journey it just may be why we are here!

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