Miserable :-(

[Guest guest]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Heidi)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry that these days are very rocky for you recently. You have the

double blessing of this disease AND infertility. When I went thru my

infertility, I had not been diagnosed with any auto immune diseases and

therefore did not have the blessing of being prednisone. However, they did

put me on some type of hormone therapy that made me gain an enormous amount

of weight that was NOT pregnancy! My disposition was also like being on a

roller coaster ride with NO ONE in the driver's seat. The end of the ride is

in site for you with your hormone treatment. Now on another note, when I

stopped the hormone treatment, all my hair fell out. So now I was infertile,

fat and bald!!!!! Yes, those were the glory days!!! LOL. God puts these

trials in front of us for reasons that are unknown to us, but somehow we DO

grow from these experiences.

Come here anytime and let us know how they are not being nice to you and we

will fix all their wagons! LOL. You don't mess with one of friends! I

promise it WILL get better and you will look back on these days and see them

for what they are: a learning experience in lack of compassion by others and

vow never to be like that to others. I put my money on you to show these

others and kick some serious butt!

Hang in there, sweetie!

Debs in FL

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I just really need to get this out and I know all of you are the only ones

who’ll understand.

I just had such a miserable morning. My office has quiet a few skinny

pretty young things (I know I’m only 26 but they are not older than 21) any

way I was making coffee in the kitchen this morning and two of them were

there. The one looks at me and turns to her friend and says – very loud -

“geez Heidi has put on weight don’t you think, I thought she was pregnant,

she’s looking so fat” “aren’t you going on diet or something Heidi” right to

my face. This is after she asked me last week if I was pregnant because I

was putting on so much weight (in front of about 6 of these skinny young

girls). Obviously the answer is no and this caused much bitchy girly

giggling (again right in front of me). I’m a manager in the company and

these girls do clerical jobs so I try to appear really put together and

unbothered by all this and just ignored it. I did say “thanks that’s a very

kind comment Helena, you must be proud” she just giggled (bloody air head

probably took it literally!). But to be honest I went and had a cigarette

and a good cry in the staircase where no one could see me and still feel

like bawling now at my desk (but no one here would ever suspect it).

Trouble is it’s true, I’ve put on about 6 kgs since I started working here,

but with the Prednisone, Decapeptyl and other hormones I had before that I

just can’t seem to keep the weight off. I try and watch what I eat and even

lost 2 kgs a few weeks ago after an agonizing effort but put them back on

plus one more within 2 DAYS!! of my last injection of Decapeptyl.

I just feel like crawling into a hole right now and feel so fat and ugly,

like a toad. I’m even embarrassed to be naked in front of my husband

nowadays and try everything to hide my tummy in front of him (which has

taken most of the weight, I now have 1 1/2 spare tires!) I even have a

lovely double chin!. I really don’t need these little idiots making me feel

even more awful than I already do.

I know I should just “flush it” but they hit two nerves with one blow on a

bad day; not only do I wish I wasn’t so “fat” but I also wish I WAS

pregnant!

And all this after my husbands cousin (who knows how hard we’ve been trying

for a baby) carried on and on at a family lunch this weekend about his wife,

who’s pregnant, telling me, in front of everyone (numerous times and VERY

loud), that THIS girl is VERY fertile, nothing wrong with her oh no, just

“thinks of babies and she’s pregnant” and “there’s nothing wrong with HIS

equipment, it works just fine!”. Great.... congratulations... what a manly

man....

I wish I could be angry at their insensitivity but I just feel really sad

and ugly right now. I feel like packing up and going home to hide under my

duvet and ball my eyes out!

Plus I’m sore because I had to have a biopsy of that “rash thing” I

mentioned before, I’ve got four stitches in my stomach (I know it’s nothing,

I’m being a real baby today!), he thinks it’s capilaritis sp??? (shamberg’s

disease) but wants to make sure it’s not vasculitis sp??. I'm just so

sick of this. I'm sick of being sick and tired and sore, I'm sick of being

fat, I'm sick of doctors and medicines and moodswings and injections and

stitches and hot flushes and trying to keep up this “put together” life. I

want my life back! I’m sorry but I’m firmly on the pity potty this morning!

I love you all,

Sorry it’s so long but thank you all so much for giving me a safe place to

share this, and talk about how I’m really feeling right now. Everyone

thinks I’m so strong and positive and put together but I know you all

understand how such “silly” things can break us down sometimes. I’ll have

to jump back on the happy wagon soon before I get run over, but right now

I’m kind of wallowing in it!

Love and hugs,

Heidi

_________________________________________________________________

MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos:

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[Guest guest]

Heidi: I am sorry you work with such insensitive

people....when you get home have a good cry.....but in

the mean time....I would have to say something like I

must look heavy to people that have anerxia....or

.....you can always tell when people havent matured

because they never think before they stick their feet

in their mouths....no not really....dont let them see

they got to you.....just consider the source....we

love you and know what a beautiful person you are and

the heck with them if they havent tried to get to

really know you it is their

loss......((((((((Heidi)))))))...Kathi in OK

--- Heidi Steppe-Hoareau <steps122@...> wrote:

> Hi there,

> I just really need to get this out and I know all of

> you are the only ones

> who’ll understand.

> I just had such a miserable morning. My office has

> quiet a few skinny

> pretty young things (I know I’m only 26 but they are

> not older than 21) any

> way I was making coffee in the kitchen this morning

> and two of them were

> there. The one looks at me and turns to her friend

> and says – very loud -

> “geez Heidi has put on weight don’t you think, I

> thought she was pregnant,

> she’s looking so fat” “aren’t you going on diet or

> something Heidi” right to

> my face. This is after she asked me last week if I

> was pregnant because I

> was putting on so much weight (in front of about 6

> of these skinny young

> girls). Obviously the answer is no and this caused

> much bitchy girly

> giggling (again right in front of me). I’m a

> manager in the company and

> these girls do clerical jobs so I try to appear

> really put together and

> unbothered by all this and just ignored it. I did

> say “thanks that’s a very

> kind comment Helena, you must be proud” she just

> giggled (bloody air head

> probably took it literally!). But to be honest I

> went and had a cigarette

> and a good cry in the staircase where no one could

> see me and still feel

> like bawling now at my desk (but no one here would

> ever suspect it).

>

> Trouble is it’s true, I’ve put on about 6 kgs since

> I started working here,

> but with the Prednisone, Decapeptyl and other

> hormones I had before that I

> just can’t seem to keep the weight off. I try and

> watch what I eat and even

> lost 2 kgs a few weeks ago after an agonizing effort

> but put them back on

> plus one more within 2 DAYS!! of my last injection

> of Decapeptyl.

>

> I just feel like crawling into a hole right now and

> feel so fat and ugly,

> like a toad. I’m even embarrassed to be naked in

> front of my husband

> nowadays and try everything to hide my tummy in

> front of him (which has

> taken most of the weight, I now have 1 1/2 spare

> tires!) I even have a

> lovely double chin!. I really don’t need these

> little idiots making me feel

> even more awful than I already do.

> I know I should just “flush it” but they hit two

> nerves with one blow on a

> bad day; not only do I wish I wasn’t so “fat” but I

> also wish I WAS

> pregnant!

> And all this after my husbands cousin (who knows how

> hard we’ve been trying

> for a baby) carried on and on at a family lunch this

> weekend about his wife,

> who’s pregnant, telling me, in front of everyone

> (numerous times and VERY

> loud), that THIS girl is VERY fertile, nothing wrong

> with her oh no, just

> “thinks of babies and she’s pregnant” and “there’s

> nothing wrong with HIS

> equipment, it works just fine!”. Great....

> congratulations... what a manly

> man....

> I wish I could be angry at their insensitivity but I

> just feel really sad

> and ugly right now. I feel like packing up and

> going home to hide under my

> duvet and ball my eyes out!

> Plus I’m sore because I had to have a biopsy of that

> “rash thing” I

> mentioned before, I’ve got four stitches in my

> stomach (I know it’s nothing,

> I’m being a real baby today!), he thinks it’s

> capilaritis sp??? (shamberg’s

> disease) but wants to make sure it’s not vasculitis

> sp??. I'm just so

> sick of this. I'm sick of being sick and tired and

> sore, I'm sick of being

> fat, I'm sick of doctors and medicines and

> moodswings and injections and

> stitches and hot flushes and trying to keep up this

> “put together” life. I

> want my life back! I’m sorry but I’m firmly on the

> pity potty this morning!

> I love you all,

> Sorry it’s so long but thank you all so much for

> giving me a safe place to

> share this, and talk about how I’m really feeling

> right now. Everyone

> thinks I’m so strong and positive and put together

> but I know you all

> understand how such “silly” things can break us down

> sometimes. I’ll have

> to jump back on the happy wagon soon before I get

> run over, but right now

> I’m kind of wallowing in it!

> Love and hugs,

> Heidi

>

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

> MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print

> your photos:

> http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Heidi -

I don't normally post, but I just wanted to send you my support and a

few hugs. I'm so sorry you're having such a rotten morning. People

can be so incredibily nasty and insensitive. I hope those thin,

nasty little witches in your office have to deal with lovely comments

like that when they eventually gain a little weight.

They are lucky that you are not the vindictive type. At my most

rational, I'd have had to have a little talk with them about

inappropriate workplace behavior making sure to point out that those

sort of hostile comments could get them into a lot of trouble -

around here they could be fired for making that sort of comment. At

my least rational - well I'd probably commit myself to making their

lives as miserable as possible. But hey, thats just me.

Unfortunately, weight gain with steroids and hormones is very

common. On the bright side, my doctor assures me that it comes off

pretty well once you stop taking the medication. I'll let you know

how that works out - the Remicade seems to be working really well, so

my rheumatologist finally feels that it may be OK to start decreasing

the prednisone. Oh, by the way, I found that a lot of it was water

weight. I decreased my caffeine intake and started drinking about 10

glasses of water a day (ugh) - in about a week I managed to drop 10

of the 20 pounds that I put on since starting the prednisone.

I don't know what to say about the cousin - sometimes I just don't

know whats WRONG with people. His comments were just wrong on so

many levels. I've always thought its so sad when men use their

ability to father a child in some pathetic attempt to validate their

manhood. As if sperm donation makes you a man. Clearly, he has

issues. There is no excuse for him making that sort of comment to

you - its just sad and pathetic and I feel sorry for his poor wife.

I hope you are feeling better soon. Lots of hugs - in Virginia

> Hi there,

> I just really need to get this out and I know all of you are the

only ones

> who'll understand.

> I just had such a miserable morning. My office has quiet a few

skinny

> pretty young things (I know I'm only 26 but they are not older than

21) any

> way I was making coffee in the kitchen this morning and two of them

were

> there. The one looks at me and turns to her friend and says – very

loud -

> " geez Heidi has put on weight don't you think, I thought she was

pregnant,

> she's looking so fat " " aren't you going on diet or something Heidi "

right to

> my face. This is after she asked me last week if I was pregnant

because I

> was putting on so much weight (in front of about 6 of these skinny

young

> girls). Obviously the answer is no and this caused much bitchy

girly

> giggling (again right in front of me). I'm a manager in the

company and

> these girls do clerical jobs so I try to appear really put together

and

> unbothered by all this and just ignored it. I did say " thanks

that's a very

> kind comment Helena, you must be proud " she just giggled (bloody

air head

> probably took it literally!). But to be honest I went and had a

cigarette

> and a good cry in the staircase where no one could see me and still

feel

> like bawling now at my desk (but no one here would ever suspect it).

>

> Trouble is it's true, I've put on about 6 kgs since I started

working here,

> but with the Prednisone, Decapeptyl and other hormones I had before

that I

> just can't seem to keep the weight off. I try and watch what I eat

and even

> lost 2 kgs a few weeks ago after an agonizing effort but put them

back on

> plus one more within 2 DAYS!! of my last injection of Decapeptyl.

>

> I just feel like crawling into a hole right now and feel so fat and

ugly,

> like a toad. I'm even embarrassed to be naked in front of my

husband

> nowadays and try everything to hide my tummy in front of him (which

has

> taken most of the weight, I now have 1 1/2 spare tires!) I even

have a

> lovely double chin!. I really don't need these little idiots

making me feel

> even more awful than I already do.

> I know I should just " flush it " but they hit two nerves with one

blow on a

> bad day; not only do I wish I wasn't so " fat " but I also wish I WAS

> pregnant!

> And all this after my husbands cousin (who knows how hard we've

been trying

> for a baby) carried on and on at a family lunch this weekend about

his wife,

> who's pregnant, telling me, in front of everyone (numerous times

and VERY

> loud), that THIS girl is VERY fertile, nothing wrong with her oh

no, just

> " thinks of babies and she's pregnant " and " there's nothing wrong

with HIS

> equipment, it works just fine! " . Great.... congratulations...

what a manly

> man....

> I wish I could be angry at their insensitivity but I just feel

really sad

> and ugly right now. I feel like packing up and going home to hide

under my

> duvet and ball my eyes out!

> Plus I'm sore because I had to have a biopsy of that " rash thing " I

> mentioned before, I've got four stitches in my stomach (I know it's

nothing,

> I'm being a real baby today!), he thinks it's capilaritis sp???

(shamberg's

> disease) but wants to make sure it's not vasculitis sp??. I'm

just so

> sick of this. I'm sick of being sick and tired and sore, I'm sick

of being

> fat, I'm sick of doctors and medicines and moodswings and

injections and

> stitches and hot flushes and trying to keep up this " put together "

life. I

> want my life back! I'm sorry but I'm firmly on the pity potty this

morning!

> I love you all,

> Sorry it's so long but thank you all so much for giving me a safe

place to

> share this, and talk about how I'm really feeling right now.

Everyone

> thinks I'm so strong and positive and put together but I know you

all

> understand how such " silly " things can break us down sometimes.

I'll have

> to jump back on the happy wagon soon before I get run over, but

right now

> I'm kind of wallowing in it!

> Love and hugs,

> Heidi

>

>

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos:

> http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx

[Guest guest]

Heidi,

I wish I could personally give you a hug and those insensitive

witches a boot in the bum. Sometimes the old " sticks and stones "

just doesn't work. Don't worry about being on a pity pot, I do my

share of sitting there too. As others will tell you, that is why

we're here. You HAVE to get these feelings out or they will eat you

up worse than the physical ills.

I used to be the butt of many unkind jokes when I was overweight, but

after having lost nearly 70 lbs. in the last year, now I hear jokes

about the wrinkles where my chins used to be. And people wondering

why I walk funny. Sometimes it bothers me, but then I remember that

the people I love and who love me don't see those things. My

daughter (who is 24) recently told me " Mom, I never did think you

looked bad--you have always been beautiful to me. " I still cry when

I think about it. She is now pregnant with triplets, thanks to a

course of Repronex and a very good repro. endicrinologist.

Hang in there, and I hope you have better days today and every day.

God bless,

Judi

[Guest guest]

((((((((((((((((((((((Heidi))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you had such a miserable morning. All I can say is

consider the source of those comments. People can be so insensitive

and stupid.

The weight gain is a consequence of the medicine you are on. I'm sure

you'll eventually lose it but don't starve yourself to do it. I

wouldn't have hidden the fact that you were upset. I know managers

need to maintain an element of being indifferent, but I would have

said that comments like that are unacceptable and will not be

tolerated. This isn't high school after all.

I am sure you are as beautiful to your husband as you always were. I

wouldn't alienate him at all. And, you will get pregnant eventually.

When got pregnant with , we actually knew the day he was

conceived. It took two years for her to get pregnant with Tony. This

included trips to a fertility clinic, sperm donations and washes and

injecting with hormones.

In regard to your husband's cousin, what an ass. Sorry if I broke a

rule here... What a man. Like his role in the inpregnation didn't

take a whole 10 seconds. Sorry.

Don't apologize for how you're feeling today. That's why we are here

for you. just like you are there for us. Take care and feel better

okay?

Lots of love,

Al in IL

[Guest guest]

Heidi, don't listen to those morons at work (or in your family either)!

I'm so sorry that you are hurt, but, as cliché as it sounds, consider

the source. Your husband's cousin ought to be ashamed of himself (and so

should anyone else who was there who joined in and/or didn't come to

your rescue), and maybe you should make a " special " cup of coffee for

Hellwitch.

You may be feeling ugly, but you aren't. I know there isn't anything

ugly about you. You are one of the most positive and compassionate

people here. You've got a great sense of humor and a deep soul. A few

pounds (or kilos!) here or there isn't going to change that. I'm sure

your husband feels the same way and more since he knows more intimately

the wonderful things about you.

In the case of Hellwitch, it's obvious that she can't have much going

for her if she is obsessed with the weight of others around her (and

most likely her own, too). In today's world when our society is still

looking to emaciated supermodels as the ideal female beauty, you can

understand how it leads to distorted thinking. Why we idolize people who

just by the luck of the draw got certain genes is beyond me. There is

nothing remarkable about being thin or attractive. Such things are

really not important or any sort of accomplishment. I know you know

that.

Even realizing all that, being unfairly singled out and attacked like

that is awful. Why would anyone go out of her way to hurt you like that?

Obviously, she has a lot of problems of her own. Sometimes the only way

some people can get over their own insecurities is to find a way to feel

superior to others. Unfortunately, her kind of tactics, whether she

realizes it or not, backfire miserably and reveal that she is a very

small person. She's probably jealous of your position in the company,

too. You are very hardworking and successful, and she most likely only

barely knows the alphabet.

Your husband's cousin is a clod. I'm the oldest of four children in my

family and two of my siblings had terrible problems having children with

their spouses. I can't believe some of the hurtful words that came out

of some people. Being able to conceive or not isn't something to be

either proud or ashamed of. It's also an intensely emotional issue. I

hope that guy's baby wakes him up every night for a year!

Come and vent anytime, Heidi. Have a few more good cries. Please share

your feelings with your husband and tell him that you need some

reassurance. I know all of this must be very hard for you. I'm pulling

for you!

Love,

[ ] Miserable :-(

> Hi there,

> I just really need to get this out and I know all of you are the only

ones

> who’ll understand.

> I just had such a miserable morning. My office has quiet a few skinny

> pretty young things (I know I’m only 26 but they are not older than

21) any

> way I was making coffee in the kitchen this morning and two of them

were

> there. The one looks at me and turns to her friend and says – very

loud -

> “geez Heidi has put on weight don’t you think, I thought she was

pregnant,

> she’s looking so fat” “aren’t you going on diet or something Heidi”

right to

> my face. This is after she asked me last week if I was pregnant

because I

> was putting on so much weight (in front of about 6 of these skinny

young

> girls). Obviously the answer is no and this caused much bitchy girly

> giggling (again right in front of me). I’m a manager in the company

and

> these girls do clerical jobs so I try to appear really put together

and

> unbothered by all this and just ignored it. I did say “thanks that’s

a very

> kind comment Helena, you must be proud” she just giggled (bloody air

head

> probably took it literally!). But to be honest I went and had a

cigarette

> and a good cry in the staircase where no one could see me and still

feel

> like bawling now at my desk (but no one here would ever suspect it).

>

> Trouble is it’s true, I’ve put on about 6 kgs since I started working

here,

> but with the Prednisone, Decapeptyl and other hormones I had before

that I

> just can’t seem to keep the weight off. I try and watch what I eat

and even

> lost 2 kgs a few weeks ago after an agonizing effort but put them back

on

> plus one more within 2 DAYS!! of my last injection of Decapeptyl.

>

> I just feel like crawling into a hole right now and feel so fat and

ugly,

> like a toad. I’m even embarrassed to be naked in front of my husband

> nowadays and try everything to hide my tummy in front of him (which

has

> taken most of the weight, I now have 1 1/2 spare tires!) I even have a

> lovely double chin!. I really don’t need these little idiots making

me feel

> even more awful than I already do.

> I know I should just “flush it” but they hit two nerves with one blow

on a

> bad day; not only do I wish I wasn’t so “fat” but I also wish I WAS

> pregnant!

> And all this after my husbands cousin (who knows how hard we’ve been

trying

> for a baby) carried on and on at a family lunch this weekend about his

wife,

> who’s pregnant, telling me, in front of everyone (numerous times and

VERY

> loud), that THIS girl is VERY fertile, nothing wrong with her oh no,

just

> “thinks of babies and she’s pregnant” and “there’s nothing wrong with

HIS

> equipment, it works just fine!”. Great.... congratulations... what a

manly

> man....

> I wish I could be angry at their insensitivity but I just feel really

sad

> and ugly right now. I feel like packing up and going home to hide

under my

> duvet and ball my eyes out!

> Plus I’m sore because I had to have a biopsy of that “rash thing” I

> mentioned before, I’ve got four stitches in my stomach (I know it’s

nothing,

> I’m being a real baby today!), he thinks it’s capilaritis sp???

(shamberg’s

> disease) but wants to make sure it’s not vasculitis sp??. I'm just

so

> sick of this. I'm sick of being sick and tired and sore, I'm sick of

being

> fat, I'm sick of doctors and medicines and moodswings and injections

and

> stitches and hot flushes and trying to keep up this “put together”

life. I

> want my life back! I’m sorry but I’m firmly on the pity potty this

morning!

> I love you all,

> Sorry it’s so long but thank you all so much for giving me a safe

place to

> share this, and talk about how I’m really feeling right now. Everyone

> thinks I’m so strong and positive and put together but I know you all

> understand how such “silly” things can break us down sometimes. I’ll

have

> to jump back on the happy wagon soon before I get run over, but right

now

> I’m kind of wallowing in it!

> Love and hugs,

> Heidi

[Guest guest]

Heidi,

Those insensative people should be drawn and quartered. That is

unbelievable that they would say things like that. I am fat and no one ever

says anything. Sorry about the pregnancy thing, have you had testing. Your

relative just shows his ignorance with his comments. Infertility is not

something you catch or can control. Hey there were times when I wished I

was. We had infertility problems and after trying for a year started

testing-found the solution and 5 kids later-the rest was history!

NO ONE should speak to you like that!

Temple

3 Fox Haven Way

Chelmsford, MA 01824

dat2352@...

[Guest guest]

<PRE>hang in there heidi, people can be very mean. i have gained almost 20 lbs

since the start of prednisone. and i wasn't thin to begin with. my face has

become so large. i don't notice it so much when i am up. but if i catch

glimpse of myself in the mirror laying down. holy cow!!! i feel likei

swallowed a globe!!! kathy in il

[Guest guest]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Oh Heidi!))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My dear sweet friend. What a malicious tramp that girl is! (Sorry, I had

to say it). To hit two sensitive areas with one rotten comment. And,

you're right. She probably did think your very clever retort was a

compliment. Geez!

And then, the comment from your husband's cousin was equally awful. I've

become friends with one of the nurses at the clinic where I get my Remicade

infusions, and we were talking for about an hour yesterday about the same

sort of situation. Her sister in law just got pregnant, and she's been

trying for two years. The sister in law made all sorts of snide comments as

well. This cousin must be jealous of you and your husband that he feels so

insecure that he must make such remarks. And as for the girl at work, it's

obvious she envies you.

You need to focus on what's important to you, which is starting a family

while managing your career. I'm sure your husband thinks you're beautiful

just the way you are. And 8 kg isn't much weight to gain. Between the

prednisone and the hormones you should be proud that you've kept your weight

so stable. And all the stress won't help your pain.

Don't ever feel bad for venting, because that's what friends are for. And a

good " pity party " does worlds of good. Or even if it doesn't, it makes you

feel better.

Sending love and hugs long distance to you,

Carol

[ ] Miserable :-(

Hi there,

I just really need to get this out and I know all of you are the only ones

who'll understand.

I just had such a miserable morning. My office has quiet a few skinny

pretty young things (I know I'm only 26 but they are not older than 21) any

way I was making coffee in the kitchen this morning and two of them were

there. The one looks at me and turns to her friend and says - very loud -

" geez Heidi has put on weight don't you think, I thought she was pregnant,

she's looking so fat " " aren't you going on diet or something Heidi " right to

my face. This is after she asked me last week if I was pregnant because I

was putting on so much weight (in front of about 6 of these skinny young

girls). Obviously the answer is no and this caused much bitchy girly

giggling (again right in front of me). I'm a manager in the company and

these girls do clerical jobs so I try to appear really put together and

unbothered by all this and just ignored it. I did say " thanks that's a very

kind comment Helena, you must be proud " she just giggled (bloody air head

probably took it literally!). But to be honest I went and had a cigarette

and a good cry in the staircase where no one could see me and still feel

like bawling now at my desk (but no one here would ever suspect it).

Trouble is it's true, I've put on about 6 kgs since I started working here,

but with the Prednisone, Decapeptyl and other hormones I had before that I

just can't seem to keep the weight off. I try and watch what I eat and even

lost 2 kgs a few weeks ago after an agonizing effort but put them back on

plus one more within 2 DAYS!! of my last injection of Decapeptyl.

I just feel like crawling into a hole right now and feel so fat and ugly,

like a toad. I'm even embarrassed to be naked in front of my husband

nowadays and try everything to hide my tummy in front of him (which has

taken most of the weight, I now have 1 1/2 spare tires!) I even have a

lovely double chin!. I really don't need these little idiots making me feel

even more awful than I already do.

I know I should just " flush it " but they hit two nerves with one blow on a

bad day; not only do I wish I wasn't so " fat " but I also wish I WAS

pregnant!

And all this after my husbands cousin (who knows how hard we've been trying

for a baby) carried on and on at a family lunch this weekend about his wife,

who's pregnant, telling me, in front of everyone (numerous times and VERY

loud), that THIS girl is VERY fertile, nothing wrong with her oh no, just

" thinks of babies and she's pregnant " and " there's nothing wrong with HIS

equipment, it works just fine! " . Great.... congratulations... what a manly

man....

I wish I could be angry at their insensitivity but I just feel really sad

and ugly right now. I feel like packing up and going home to hide under my

duvet and ball my eyes out!

Plus I'm sore because I had to have a biopsy of that " rash thing " I

mentioned before, I've got four stitches in my stomach (I know it's nothing,

I'm being a real baby today!), he thinks it's capilaritis sp??? (shamberg's

disease) but wants to make sure it's not vasculitis sp??. I'm just so

sick of this. I'm sick of being sick and tired and sore, I'm sick of being

fat, I'm sick of doctors and medicines and moodswings and injections and

stitches and hot flushes and trying to keep up this " put together " life. I

want my life back! I'm sorry but I'm firmly on the pity potty this morning!

I love you all,

Sorry it's so long but thank you all so much for giving me a safe place to

share this, and talk about how I'm really feeling right now. Everyone

thinks I'm so strong and positive and put together but I know you all

understand how such " silly " things can break us down sometimes. I'll have

to jump back on the happy wagon soon before I get run over, but right now

I'm kind of wallowing in it!

Love and hugs,

Heidi

_________________________________________________________________

MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos:

http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx

[Guest guest]

Dearest Heidi...as a recipient myself of such remarks years ago, my

heart aches for you. You handled yourself with grace and dignity, and

you deserve to have as many good cries as you need. You are going

through things those people wouldn't have the courage to address. The

lack of compassion and downright mean-ness astounds me.

Treat yourself sweetly. If you have any reverberations from their

nastiness, come here and we will gladly & honestly remind you of how

wonderful & beautiful & brave you are.

All My Love & All the Hugs You Would Like...

Tess

[Guest guest]

Hi Heidi, I'm sorry your in the pits...people's stupid comments can really

hurt...I'm sorry you had such a rough day at work and with family...usually

I bounce back quickly from one bad situation...but two at the same time does

feel unbearable...thanks for sharing with the group....I still feel new; but

am aware that this group will fill your box with support during those tough

times...I hope you have a good rest toniight and tomorrow is a better

day...wish I had something " cool " to say...but will just say...you are not

alone...to better days and nights...marge

[ ] Miserable :-(

> Hi there,

> I just really need to get this out and I know all of you are the only ones

> who'll understand.

> I just had such a miserable morning. My office has quiet a few skinny

> pretty young things (I know I'm only 26 but they are not older than 21)

any

> way I was making coffee in the kitchen this morning and two of them were

> there. The one looks at me and turns to her friend and says - very loud -

> " geez Heidi has put on weight don't you think, I thought she was pregnant,

> she's looking so fat " " aren't you going on diet or something Heidi " right

to

> my face. This is after she asked me last week if I was pregnant because I

> was putting on so much weight (in front of about 6 of these skinny young

> girls). Obviously the answer is no and this caused much bitchy girly

> giggling (again right in front of me). I'm a manager in the company and

> these girls do clerical jobs so I try to appear really put together and

> unbothered by all this and just ignored it. I did say " thanks that's a

very

> kind comment Helena, you must be proud " she just giggled (bloody air head

> probably took it literally!). But to be honest I went and had a cigarette

> and a good cry in the staircase where no one could see me and still feel

> like bawling now at my desk (but no one here would ever suspect it).

>

> Trouble is it's true, I've put on about 6 kgs since I started working

here,

> but with the Prednisone, Decapeptyl and other hormones I had before that I

> just can't seem to keep the weight off. I try and watch what I eat and

even

> lost 2 kgs a few weeks ago after an agonizing effort but put them back on

> plus one more within 2 DAYS!! of my last injection of Decapeptyl.

>

> I just feel like crawling into a hole right now and feel so fat and ugly,

> like a toad. I'm even embarrassed to be naked in front of my husband

> nowadays and try everything to hide my tummy in front of him (which has

> taken most of the weight, I now have 1 1/2 spare tires!) I even have a

> lovely double chin!. I really don't need these little idiots making me

feel

> even more awful than I already do.

> I know I should just " flush it " but they hit two nerves with one blow on a

> bad day; not only do I wish I wasn't so " fat " but I also wish I WAS

> pregnant!

> And all this after my husbands cousin (who knows how hard we've been

trying

> for a baby) carried on and on at a family lunch this weekend about his

wife,

> who's pregnant, telling me, in front of everyone (numerous times and VERY

> loud), that THIS girl is VERY fertile, nothing wrong with her oh no, just

> " thinks of babies and she's pregnant " and " there's nothing wrong with HIS

> equipment, it works just fine! " . Great.... congratulations... what a

manly

> man....

> I wish I could be angry at their insensitivity but I just feel really sad

> and ugly right now. I feel like packing up and going home to hide under

my

> duvet and ball my eyes out!

> Plus I'm sore because I had to have a biopsy of that " rash thing " I

> mentioned before, I've got four stitches in my stomach (I know it's

nothing,

> I'm being a real baby today!), he thinks it's capilaritis sp???

(shamberg's

> disease) but wants to make sure it's not vasculitis sp??. I'm just so

> sick of this. I'm sick of being sick and tired and sore, I'm sick of being

> fat, I'm sick of doctors and medicines and moodswings and injections and

> stitches and hot flushes and trying to keep up this " put together " life.

I

> want my life back! I'm sorry but I'm firmly on the pity potty this

morning!

> I love you all,

> Sorry it's so long but thank you all so much for giving me a safe place to

> share this, and talk about how I'm really feeling right now. Everyone

> thinks I'm so strong and positive and put together but I know you all

> understand how such " silly " things can break us down sometimes. I'll have

> to jump back on the happy wagon soon before I get run over, but right now

> I'm kind of wallowing in it!

> Love and hugs,

> Heidi

>

>

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos:

> http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/21/2002 4:39:02 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

steps122@... writes:

> I want my life back!

Hi Heidi,

I just couldn't count the many times that I have said those words this year.

I want things the way they used to be too. Sometimes. Two years ago, I went

on a diet. My co-worker and I used the same diet. She lost 60 lbs and I

lost 50 lbs. Then I was diagnosed with RA and put on Prednisone. I felt

wonderful after losing the weight. I had just gotten all of that nasty

divorce stuff taken care of and was taking control of my life. Within 6

months, the weight started to come back on. I was still eating the same and

was as active as I could be. I worked full time and took care of Wyatt and

still the weight came. Now, I have gained all of the weight back + 10 lbs.

I am not an outrageous eater. I try to eat modest portions and drink lots of

fluids. The weight is still here. My rheumy and pcp tell me that right now

the nutrition is more important than losing the weight and that it would be

next to impossible to lose the weight with the meds anyway. I guess that I

just have to learn to accept my body the way it is right now and know that

there is not much that I can do about it at this time, but, " I want my life

back! " I want to go out and meet people without my belly getting there

first. But for right now, this is where I am.

Before I was diagnosed, I took a multi-vitamin on a daily basis. Nothing

else. Now, I take 15-20 pills a day and give myself shots just to be able to

walk to the bathroom. I am so sick of popping pills and being stuck by

needles and IV's that I could just scream. But one of the most important

things that I keep reminding myself is that Wyatt needs me more than anything

else and if I don't take care of myself, then I can't take care of him.

When I decided to have a child, it was the only thing that I could think of.

Night and day, no matter what I was doing, this thought was always in the

front of my mind. It took me 15 months to conceive. I cried every month

when my cycle started. I counted days and tried all of those silly wives

tales to get pregnant. Finally, when things calmed down in my life, the

test was positive. That was when the time was right. Then began the sickest

9 months of my life until that time. I threw up every day for the 9 months.

I lost 40 lbs during the pregnancy and ended up in the hosp at one point for

dehydration and uncontrolled vomiting. I now have a wonderful child and do

not regret the decision to have a child, but I would not do it again. Hang

in there, your time is coming. Don't give up.

I want my life back. I think of the good things in my life that I want back.

However, I was married to a terrible man and was really not that happy back

then. I now have to build my own life on a daily basis. I can't go back. I

do have hopes for a better future life. Things are rough right now. They

won't always be. Those co-workers are probably feeling insecure too and were

making themselves feel better by making you feel worse. Don't let them

succeed. You are a good person. Hold your head up and think good thoughts.

When they see that they can't pull you down, they will stop or move on to

someone else. Once I asked someone to explain to me just why my weight was

so important to them. I told her that her life must be pretty sad if my

weight was on the top of her list of things to deal with. She was really

embarrassed and looked like she wanted to hide under the carpet. But she got

the point.

Anyway, we can't have our old lives back. We have to build on what we have.

You are a strong person and I have a lot of faith in you. Sorry this is so

long. Sometimes these things just need to come out. I hope that I have

helped and not made things worse by telling you all of this. You are not

alone.

Love ya

Stacey in PA