Time Out for Penny

[Guest guest]

Penny,

You are as dedicated a mom as I have ever corresponded with. You

can't, however, by sheer will, make Kenzie better. Cut yourself some

slack. You are supposed to be a mother and son, too. You should

ENJOY each other, not CONSTANTLY assessing how many ways he is not

succeeding. How can you connect like that? Autism sometimes makes us

subconsciously dehumanize our children. We see them as diagnoses need

curing, rather than people with the right to have down time, make

choices, and fail. Kenzie has inherent capacities and disabilities.

You will only be able to help him overcome SOME of them. He may choose

to keep others, or have no choice in that they remain. One right that

we are born with is the right to fail. You can do only so much to help

your son, but he has the right to fail. I am not accusing you, this is

more of a philosophical discussion. But maybe your time at home would

be more rewarding if you build from his abilities some sort of

accepting relationship. He may never write his name independently, and

maybe he feels frustrated and disappointed to rehearse that inadequacy

several times daily. He may never get that sort of motor control. He

may be incapable. But how exciting that he is learning his alphabet.

Perhaps you can build that success to be able to teach him how to spell

with a communication board. And with enough time enjoying each other,

he may be motivated to write you things.

You may want to analyze your " recovery goals. " What have you got in

mind for Kenzie's recovery? Normal? What is Normal? I like to think

of recovery in terms of helping my kids satisfy their potential--for

creativity, expression, love, and connection with people on whatever

level they desire. Recovery also includes YOU getting over your guilt,

your sense of loss, and recovering your sense of joy at being with your

son. Recover your appreciation for who he is. Do you know how many

kids complete the ABLLS and don't look or act even close to " normal " ?

We stopped using the ABLLS a long time ago, when we realized it was

delving into trivialities that weren't any fun to teach. Most

abstract language comes through play, creativity, imagination and

pretending. We built our relationship learning those things, and

haven't even checked the ABLLS to see if we achieved the Language NORM.

Why? Because we are working on creating joy of life, joy of people,

joy of expression and joy of learning. So now Evy and Ethan can ask

what things mean, and fill in knowledge themselves because they WANT to

learn.

RDI might help, but the less structured the better. I watched his

video, and some of his stuff is awesome, others boring. The non-verbal

communication stuff is great. Play that is scripted isn't really play.

But play can be taught as creativity and imitation is rewarded. You

have WAY TOO MUCH GUILT! WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE! HAVE FUN ALREADY! My

children aren't normal, but we've recovered from autism in every

meaningful way. It doesn't own us anymore. We love each other. We

enjoy each other. We communicate. Evy just this minute drew me a

picture of a smiling child with a big heart in the middle of his chest.

He handed it to me with a smile, and asked in his own special way,

" Does that fix your heart, Mom? " My answer is that YES, my heart is

fixed. And that is as big a step toward recovery as I can express. So

Penny, work on recovery. Fix your heart. Let go of the guilt and

enjoy your son. Just my thoughts.

t Burk

juliet@...

www.autismteachingtools.com