Dear Alcohol

[Guest guest]

Found this on the internet and had myself a good laugh. Wish you the

same!

Love,

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My

friend,

you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

cocktail, a

beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden

inside

chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless

family

gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I

want to

believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your

influence

has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is

important, I

question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or

necessity

takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those

ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to

hear

from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest

that I

eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and

some

stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after

a few

cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I

think you

went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to

do more

yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by

causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black

& blue

marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the

front

door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting

ridiculous.

I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be

in

order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.

My entire

day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,

vitamin

B, bread products, aspirin), prior to going to sleep/passing out

face down

on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be

minimal &

in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would

like to

ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great

stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion

when I

just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully

review my

grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an

answer no

later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &

hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1 Innovative 2.

Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2.

British

Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing...