The Inner Others

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The Inner "Others"by HoltWe are complex beings. Within each of us there are many, many aspects, someof which seem to be at war with others.The Inner CriticWe all have an Inner Critic: that voice that nags at us, puts us down, tellsus we're not good enough. When we were little, our parents or teachers werecritical of us, and we developed the habit of criticizing ourselves. When Ihear a voice in my head saying "You failed," that's a giveaway that myCritic is speaking. Only the Critic would say that.Be aware of the Critic's distinctive voice or pattern. Often the Criticmasquerades as Reality or Truth and keeps its true identity well hidden. Atsuch times, go cautiously and ask yourself: "Is it possible that there isanother way to see this situation?" The tricky part is to remember to askthis question. Ask it whenever you start feeling bad, especially if you areputting yourself down or judging a situation as hopeless.Know that you can always choose whether or not to tune in on the Criticchannel, or some other channel of your mind; don't hesitate to switchchannels as soon as you realize you're hearing the Critic. Haven't you spentenough of your life listening to that voice? Perhaps it was useful at onetime, and then you may not have realized that you had any other option, butnow you know there is a choice. Be aware that you can decide whether or notto listen to the Critic, to believe it, or to act on what it says. Wheneveryou do make another choice, observe carefully what happens. Although theCritic has always warned you that disaster would ensue if you stoppedobeying it, discover whether or not this is true inyour experience.When I listen to my Critic too much, everyone around me starts soundingbossy and critical. I start seeing Critics all around me because I projectthem from my own mind. Hearing the Critic's judgmental words, I begin usingthis language toward others, and they in turn feel criticized by me. At suchtimes, try telling your Critic to put earphones on and listen to itsfavorite music.When others are angry at me, my Inner Critic arises and says, "See -- youdid it wrong, you failed to please them." Now, when I hear that, I'mlearning to say, "I did the best I could at the time. If they are angry,perhaps it's their problem."Despite all the abuse my Critic seems to heap upon me, it has a valuablerole to play in my life. When I was growing up, its cautions helped me tosurvive; I need to honor it for that. When the Critic's voice is getting inmy way, I sometimes say: "Thank you for your concerns. Please save them forlater. I'll check in with you after a while." This frees me from my Criticwhile I focus on an important situation. Later, I can dialogue with myCritic and ask about its fears. Usually I learn that my Critic was afraid ofa possible negative consequence of my behavior, and was trying to protect me It's good to define for your Critic what you want its job to be, whilesetting limits on when you will listen to it.Once while I was attending a workshop with Barbara Brennan, I was practicingthe skill of tuning into other people's energy fields. My Critic wasdeclaring loudly, "You'll never learn how to do that; you have no skillwhatsoever!" I thanked it and asked it to be silent for awhile, promisingthat I would check in later. Much to my surprise, I was then able to dorather accurate readings of two participants in the workshop. On the trainride home, I remembered to check in with my Critic. It brought up a fear ofwhich I had not been consciously aware: that if I were todevelop psychic skills, some people would perceive me as weird or crazy, andI might lose certain friends. This was the first time I had ever trulylistened to my Critic on my own terms, instead of raging against it ormeekly complying with it. I was impressed by its genuine concern for mywell-being.When my Critic is ranting about some error or act of poor judgment I've made it sometimes works well to outline what I would do differently next time.For instance, when my Critic was berating me over missing the Creek CleanupDay, I said: "Next time, I will write it down in my schedule. That way I wont miss it or schedule other things for that day."Sometimes it seems more like a Complainer than a Critic. It's a fearfulvoice that worries, "You've made the wrong decision, this experience isn'twhat it should be, you're missing out." The false perception that leads tocomplaining and criticism is based on the belief that I have to rely only onmy own wits and choices (with no help available from Spirit). This calls fora compassionate but firm reply, such as: "Dear Complainer, I'm sorry thatthis experience isn't quite up to yourexpectations. But life isn't really about finding the most perfectexperiences, it's about making the best of whatever is given. Let's focus onwhat is delightful instead of what isn't." Fear of missing out can actuallycause us to miss out on the present moment! We can never know enough to makethe wisest choice at all times, but we can choose to look for the gift.ASK YOURSELF: What is my Inner Critic trying to protect me from?The Impartial WitnessThe best balance to the Inner Critic is the Impartial Witness. The role ofthe Witness is not to judge, compare, criticize, or give orders, but simplyto observe with impartiality, detachment, curiosity, even wonder. TheWitness might say things like, "Let's take another look" and "Is this thereal truth or not?"Ram Dass tells a story of a farmer with a son and a horse, both of whom givehim great joy. One day, the horse runs away, and all the villagers shaketheir heads in consternation. The farmer says, "We'll see." The next day,his son goes out to search for the horse, and instead comes back with twowild horses, both very splendid. The neighbors say, "What good fortune." Thefarmer says simply, "We'll see." A few days later, as the son tries to rideone of the wild horses he is thrown off and breaks his leg. "Poor fellow,"intone the neighbors, sympathetically. Thefarmer: "We'll see." The next week, war breaks out and all the young men ofdraft age are signed up to defend their village; all, that is, except thefarmer's son, who is too disabled to fight. "Lucky man!" sigh the villagers.And so on it goes. The farmer, like the Impartial Witness, does not getcaught in the emotional roller coaster caused by evaluating each event asgood or bad, lucky or unlucky. He observes and accepts what is, withoutjudgment. Therein lies his serenity.To me, the Witness is like the sky above, observing everything; or like theancestors looking upon us with unconditional positive regard, and perhaps atouch of fond amusement. Great old trees have this quality of pure awareness perhaps because they have witnessed so many generations of humans andanimals and their dramas. The trees remain unmoved, a stable awareness intimes of crisis and storms.How can we cultivate the Impartial Witness? Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us ofthe witness quality of quiet water, which we can learn to emulate byquieting our minds, with this meditative phrase: "Breathing in, I see myselfas still water. Breathing out, I am reflecting things as they are."Angeles Arrien advises that our Witness needs to be stronger than our Critic "Stop feeding your Critic gourmet meals," she says. She suggests that welook at our experiences without exaggeration or diminishment. When I observemyself doing something that appears to have a negative consequence, I am nowlearning to say, "How interesting! What can I learn here?" The Witness lookswith curiosity and a desire to understand; it doesn't attempt to evaluate.One of the great tasks that I believe we all come here to accomplish is tolearn who we are. That sounds funny in a way. Aren't we supposed to knowourselves, just from living with ourselves day in and day out, year afteryear? In truth, if we don't reflect and take time to get to know ourselves,we can stay very much in the dark. After more than fifty years, I am stillshocked at how little I know myself sometimes. Just when I think I know whoI am, I change. Half the battle is to know what I truly want, so I can giveit to myself!I've discovered that being self-aware is a great gift to give others. When Iknow and communicate what I need and what works or doesn't work for me, Igive other people clear guidelines. They don't have to read my mind in orderto avoid stepping on my toes. Conversely, my lack of self-awareness createsdifficulties in my relationships. For example, I've had experiencestraveling with a friend when I didn't realize that I needed some alone timeor quiet time each day. If that did not happen, I found myself becomingirritable without knowing why.Looking at myself through the compassionate eyes of the Witness, I can seethat I need a lot of help. Yet I also see that this is true of most of us,and I'm neither ashamed nor sad about it. Nor am I proud of it. It's justthe way things are.The most powerful way to cultivate the Witness is through the practice ofmeditation. Sitting quietly, we observe our thoughts and feelings withacceptance, without judging or attempting to control or change anything."Nonattachment" is a term used to describe a calm attitude toward thoughtsand feelings, and ultimately toward whatever life brings. By not identifyingwith our viewpoints, opinions, or judgments, we begin to gain freedom fromthem. This is very different from refusing to look at or know aboutuncomfortable inner processes."Mindfulness" refers to the ability to go about our daily activities --breathing, walking, driving, speaking, eating -- while being fully presentand aware. This concept, which I first learned about in Thich Nhat Hanh'swonderful book The Miracle of Mindfulness, sounds deceptively simple. Thetrouble is that our lives seem terribly complex. It's only possible for meto eat mindfully if I slow down, stop trying to read or listen to the radioor carry on a conversation at the same time, and put my full attention oneach mouthful of food. Is it worth it? Whenever I eat with true mindfulness,I wonder whether eating disorders would exist if everyone simply practicedmindful eating. We would really taste ourfood, and we would be more in touch with our bodies to know whether the foodwas agreeing with us or not; we might know when we were eating to try tofill an emotional emptiness, and when we'd had enough.Our breath is one of the greatest allies in the practice of mindfulness.Coming back to an awareness of breath, several times a day, is a deeppractice of being present in the body, present in each moment. It's awonderful refuge from the fears of the future and the regrets of the past.During these moments my Witness gains strength.SPEND a LITTLE TIME EACH DAY reviewing your experiences while you arecalm and relaxed, not giving more time or energy to what went badly or well,but just seeing it all from the slightly more distant perspective that timecan give. It's very tempting to evaluate: "I did a great job on this, I didthat terribly." Instead, simply look at it all and ask, "What can I learnabout life? What can I learn about myself?"This article was excerpted by permission from The Circle of Healing, by Holt copyright 2000, published by Talking Birds Press.www.TalkingBirdsPress.com