The Infinite Journey to Conscious Loving

[Guest guest]

The Infinite Journey to Conscious Loving

by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make

a heroic shift out of an old paradigm, the default

programming that we're born into Unconscious Loving to

a new paradigm, Conscious Loving. Here's a quick look

at the old and the new paradigms, so you'll know what

you're getting out of and getting into.

UNCONSCIOUS LOVING

We repeat the same patterns and problems over and

over, and we don't identify ourselves as the source of

those patterns and problems. We spend a lot of time

ignoring or recycling the patterns, and expend

considerable energy trying to prove somebody else is to

blame.

We get defensive in situations where we could get

enlightened. Somebody says, "Hey, you've got a

drinking problem." We reply, "Says who?"

They say, "Well, you drove into the driveway last

night, ran over the kid's bike, threw up in the flower

bed and peed in your wife's steam iron." We

reply, "Nobody's perfect, and you're a jerk for

ruining my day with your negativity." (Defensive

maneuvers: Getting sleepy, bored or tired; getting

irritable, hostile or tense; getting fascinated by TV,

food, liquor, tobacco, drugs; stonewalling, sulking,

withdrawing.)

We

have feelings we don't share, or are carrying secrets we haven't told

to the relevant person. (Distinction between secrets and privacy:

Secrets are things you hide because you're afraid of how others would

react if they heard them. Privacy is when you keep something hidden

because to share it would dilute its personal or sacred nature.

Example: For Bill Clinton, was a secret, and the relevant person

to tell was Hillary. For , the journal she kept would fit the

privacy category.)

We think of ourselves as victims and go back and forth between thinking of others as perpetrators or

fellow-victims. In conflicts, we argue from the

Victim-Position, casting others as Perpetrators. To

resolve arguments, we often join the others in being

Fellow-Victims.

Example:

Us: You're ruining my life, you jerk.

Them: No way. You're ruining my life, you jerk.

(Repeat until somebody drops from exhaustion.)

Us: You know what? You and I are okay. It's the world

that's ruining our lives.

Them: Yeah! Here, have a brewski.

We don't express our full creativity, and have a

variety of reasons, many of which are excellent, why we're

not doing so.

CONSCIOUS LOVING

The new paradigm is built on the earlier foundation

described in our earlier books such as CONSCIOUS LOVING.

In that book, two principles occupied center stage: The

Authenticity Principle and The Responsibility Principle.

The Authenticity Principle holds that relationships only

flourish when both people speak the microscopic truth.

If any relationship problem recycles, look for the

significant truth that has not yet been spoken. If the

microscopic truth is not spoken (for example, "I

didn't have sex with that woman") a costly and

tiresome melodrama usually occurs in the aftermath of

the lie.

The Responsibility Principle holds that relationships

only flourish when both people take 100% responsibility

for any issue that arises. By contrast, most people try

to apportion responsibility, which always leads to

blame, conflict and power struggles. For example, a

repetitive conflict about money only resolves when each

person claims full responsibility by asking, "Even

if it looks like my partner's problem, in what ways am

I contributing to the perpetuation of this

problem?"

EMERGENCE OF THE NEW PARADIGM

Now, two new principles take relationship

transformation into a new dimension: The Commitment

Principle and The Appreciation Principle. These

principles hold powerful keys to an ongoing problem in

human relationships: How to free individual creativity

while simultaneously bringing both partners into greater

harmony.

The Commitment Principle: Every relationship problem

is rooted in an overlooked commitment issue, and if this

issue is addressed correctly it becomes a springboard to

a profound breakthrough in closeness and individual

creativity. The principle holds true even if the two

people involved in the conflict have been in

relationship for decades. It also applies to boardroom

as well as bedroom relationships. By analyzing hundreds

of conflicts, we discovered that the problem often began

with a withheld commitment. In other words, someone (or

sometimes all parties) did not fully commit. Once we

made this discovery, we worked out a simple way to find

where the commitment problem was located and a technique

for moving through the impasse rapidly.

The Appreciation Principle holds that relationship

problems begin in an "appreciation gap," a

specific place where a break occurs in the ongoing flow

of appreciation. In the absence of a felt-sense of

appreciation ‹given and received, spoken and unspoken)

a

host of energy-draining problems ensue. After

discovering this principle, we designed a simple set of

appreciation activities, which anyone can do.

In Conscious Loving, we do things very differently

than in the old paradigm:

If a pattern or problem repeats itself, we look for

the source of the pattern in ourselves, even if another

person looks like the main character in the drama.

Example: Even if your partner is the one who's come

home drunk every night for the past sixteen years, the

conscious person thinks, "Hmmm, how am I inviting

this sort of behavior in my life?" and "Hmmm,

who was it that didn't kick him/her out fifteen years

and 364 days ago?"

We commit ourselves to learning, instead of getting

defensive, in every interaction. We get skilled at

thanking people and the universe for giving us feedback,

instead of punishing them. "Thanks for pointing out

my drinking problem. From my actions (the bike, the

flower bed and the steam iron), it appears I'm out of

control."

We make conscious commitments, and hold ourselves

scrupulously to those commitments. We commit to things

that are within our control, such as telling the truth

and taking responsibility, not to things that can't be

controlled (promising to love the person always,

promising we'll never do it again, etc.)

We tell the truth, and give enough detail so that the

relevant other person fully understands. Bill:

"Yes, indeed, I had sex with that woman. The first

five times were fun and titillating, although I didn't

ejaculate, but the last two times were ho-hum even

though I did. I feel guilty as hell and scared you won't

like me."

We take full responsibility for what happens in our

lives, and seek out relationships with others who also

take full responsibility. In a conscious relationship

there are no power struggles because each person takes

100% responsibility.

We commit ourselves to full creative expression. If

we're fully engaged in our own creativity, we don't

have time to accuse others of oppressing it.

We speak appreciations frequently. Examples: I

appreciate you for helping with his spelling last

night, I appreciate the way you look today, I appreciate

your sense of humor.

SUPER-CONSCIOUS LOVING

We've found that it's possible to take a rapid

ride to hitherto-unimaginable relationship heights by

adopting one very radical concept and practicing one

very simple technique.

The Concept

Stop focusing on problems, difficulties and issues

for a period of time (a month is a good period of time

to start with) and instead, focus only on expressing

appreciations to your partner (or to anyone else you

want to be close to, such as children or co-workers.) At

the end of the period of time, you can always go back to

focusing on problems if you want to. However, most

people find that expressing appreciations clears up even

long-standing, recurring problems that nothing else has

budged.

The Technique

Step One

Choose a heartfelt commitment to making the expression

of appreciation your top creative priority. In other

words, choose to regard thinking up and delivering

appreciations as your highest art form. A year or so

ago, I (Gay Hendricks) chose appreciating as my highest

priority art form. Until then, I regarded my writing as

my highest priority art form. I decided to put as much

time and energy into noticing things I appreciate about

her, thinking up ways to appreciate her and delivering

appreciations to her as I did to my writing. To my

delight, our relationship took a quantum jump (it was

already great!) to absolutely transcendental. To my

great surprise, my writing became even more fun and

productive.

Step Two

For one month, put your focus on one major activity:

Think up and deliver appreciations as often as you can,

but at least ten to twenty times a day. Focus mainly on

verbal appreciations, appreciation-by-touch and

telepathic whole-body appreciations. Use material

appreciations sparingly if at all.

At the end of the month, evaluate the level of

positive energy that's flowing between you.

© 2002 The

Hendricks Institute.

Gay Hendricks and his wife,

Kathlyn, are the authors of CONSCIOUS

LOVING, THE CONSCIOUS HEART and other relationship books.

Together they

direct The Hendricks Institute and its Center for Conscious Relationship in

Santa Barbara. The Hendricks Institute -

800-688-0772. www.hendricks.com

Learn

more about Conscious Living at:

www.hendricks.com