Re: I won't let her spoil my good time!-Dianne

[Guest guest]

Hey Dianne,

I have a good idea where this sibling rivalry began. When we were children,

my father drank and was extremely abusive. is the oldest of us three

and took the brunt of the abuse. I think this is because my parents got

married when my mom was 7 months pregnant. I'm sure you can read between the

lines on that one. Anyway, got the worst of it. I am sorry for that,

but it was not my fault and it is over with now. We grew up. Not in the

best of situations, but we did grow up. Time to let it go. None of us

enjoyed what happened and it shaped our lives and personalities in different

ways. I don't hold a grudge that she moved in with our gram in her early

teens and left us to defend ourselves. We all did what we had to do to

survive. She probably saved her own life by doing that and I can't hold it

against her. She really did have a tough time of it and I think this is why

she acts the way she does. What I do not understand is that she doesn't open

her mind to ideas that may help the situation. I also think that she goes to

church to be recognized as a good person, because we were always told how bad

we were and that we couldn't do anything right. WOW, where did all of that

come from. I think I wore myself out on that thought. LOL. Anyway, she is

my sister and I feel bad for her, instead of getting mad at her.

Love and Hugs

Stacey in PA

[Guest guest]

Hi, Stacey,

My siblings and I lived with an alcoholic mother (self-medicating

her RA) and a father who was prone to " rage attacks " . My older brother

escaped most of the abuse simply because he was the oldest son in an Italian

family -- read that as " He could do no wrong. " As the oldest daughter, I

was expected to be " Mama's Little Helper " . It did not matter that I was

vision impaired and could not see decently...

My sister is the one who got me to get help, but it wasn't through

anything positive that she did. She attempted suicide " because my life is

so crappy! " . My life wasn't all that bad at the time, but I knew that I was

having problems, so I went to a doctor and arranged therapy. There were

other issues related to abuse perpetrated by a male relative, but I won't go

into that here. Today my life is much better overall and I am content in my

marriage. I never had children (could not carry to term), but I raised my

sister's four children (one girl, three boys) and saw the problems the

children had because their mother and father never addressed their own

issues, but instead, imposed them on their children. The children are all

grown now and all but one is married and well-adjusted. The unmarried one

is doing well. He has not met the right one yet -- his words, not mine.

Perhaps you can arrange to have some " quiet talks " with your sister

about her history. It was traumatic and it has had an effect on her. Maybe

she sees the harm it did, bit feels hopeless to change things? She can, but

she may need some help. The idea of getting help may also bring up feelings

of shame and guilt. Most people who have been victimized respond that way.

Since they are adults, they are ashamed that they could not stop things from

being as bad as they were and illogically feel that they may precipitate

more problems arising out of any action they may take. If she is spoken to

without condemnation and empathy, perhaps she will try to get some help for

herself, which would lead to getting the help that her children need.

Just some thoughts....

Dianne

----- Original Message -----

From: <bintherdunit@...>

> Hey Dianne,

> I have a good idea where this sibling rivalry began. When we were

children,

> my father drank and was extremely abusive. is the oldest of us three

> and took the brunt of the abuse. I think this is because my parents got

> married when my mom was 7 months pregnant. I'm sure you can read between

the

> lines on that one. Anyway, got the worst of it. I am sorry for

that,

> but it was not my fault and it is over with now. We grew up. Not in the

> best of situations, but we did grow up. Time to let it go. None of us

> enjoyed what happened and it shaped our lives and personalities in

different

> ways. I don't hold a grudge that she moved in with our gram in her early

> teens and left us to defend ourselves. We all did what we had to do to

> survive. She probably saved her own life by doing that and I can't hold

it

> against her. She really did have a tough time of it and I think this is

why

> she acts the way she does. What I do not understand is that she doesn't

open

> her mind to ideas that may help the situation. I also think that she goes

to

> church to be recognized as a good person, because we were always told how

bad

> we were and that we couldn't do anything right. WOW, where did all of

that

> come from. I think I wore myself out on that thought. LOL. Anyway, she

is

> my sister and I feel bad for her, instead of getting mad at her.

> Love and Hugs

> Stacey in PA

>

>

>