Hi

[Guest guest]

Hi all, Just checking in.

I've been feeling kind of crappy the past few days. I don't think it's

anything to do with the RA. I think it may be may be a sinus or ear

infection, change of weather, whatever. A couple years ago when I was in

the hospital for the pericarditis, back before I was diagnosed with the RA,

I sat up in bed the second or third day there and the whole room began

spinning violently for a couple seconds, and then stopped. The short

version is that my doctor didn't seem very concerned about it and it

cleared up in a couple days, and never returned again. I figured maybe

lying in bed so much in the hospital made something drain into my ear and

after I was up and about again at home it drained out. Who knows?

Anyway, last Sunday morning I woke up, sat up in bed to get up, and the

same thing happened! First time in over two years. It did it later that

afternoon when I got up from a nap and again slightly when I got up the

following morning. It hasn't done it since, though now my head has been

feeling weird like someone is pushing down on it or standing on my

eyebrows. It also feels like the dizziness is just in the back ground so I

am careful not to do anything to make the spinning sensation come back

again - not moving my head or eyes to extremely or quickly, bending over,

etc. At one point I tried to see if I could actually make it happen by

moving my head a certain way. Sounds goofy but I could do that while I was

in the hospital, so naturally I didn't do it! But I couldn't make it do it

this time and I wasn't going to keep trying so I left well enough alone.

This kind of sounds worse than it actually is, now that I have re-read

it. It's actually not a dizzy feeling like where you would get sick to

your stomach, though if it continued for more than a few seconds you might,

I don't know. It's more like watching the room spin while you are sitting

still. I have a slight headache or more of a tightness rather than actual

pain. Sort of feels like when you're fighting a fever, except I don't have

one. The highest my temp has been is 99 (that's degrees Fahrenheit for our

metric country list members <g> ) My wife Celine said I should call my

GP's office and see him, but I wanted to wait a few days and see if it went

away like it did the last time.

What I was more concerned about was that yesterday (Wednesday) I had my

regular appointment with the Rheumy. I was concerned mainly because it

takes almost two hours in the car to get there and I was afraid that maybe

I would get car sick or something from it, or it would act up from the

motion. It didn't, BTW. I mentioned it to him because he says we have to

watch out for infection, though I really don't know why. I didn't have a

temp at his office either, and he basically didn't seem concerned about it

but said to see my GP if it didn't clear up in a couple days. I actually

felt somewhat better yesterday than I had expected so I took that as a good

sign. And was I tired when I got home and finished eating lunch! I slept

a good solid sleep for almost one and a half hours. It was one of those

types of sleep where you have a REALLY hard time waking up and getting

going. I pretty much stayed in my recliner the rest of the evening and my

head started to feel weird again as the evening wore on. It's almost like

I slept TOO good. But I felt better laying down that night and trying to

fall asleep than I had the previous night, so I'll take that as a

positive. <g> And I slept really good all night, and felt good again in

the morning.

Now after being up a couple hours I am disappointed that I still have a

little tightness in my forehead and almost feel like I want to go back to

sleep! I think I have too much free time on my hands! I've spent too much

time on this subject already but just wanted to mention it. We'll see what

happens.

As far as the rheumatologist's visit went, he said I was doing well and

said that they just need to keep doing what we have while monitoring things

via blood tests, watch out for infections, and continue to always protect

the joints. He seemed very pleased with my progress. I told him about

getting approved for Social Security disability and I thanked him for his

help with writing a letter and filling out an evaluation form for

SSA. Then I said I may need him to do it again in the next few years as

they have to re-evaluate everyone at some point and he said that would be

no problem. It's nice to have someone " on your side " that you have

confidence in, something which I didn't have with the lawyer. By the way,

I received the official letter from the Judge's office last week saying I

was approved for disability; it said the decision was " Fully Favorable "

which I guess is a good thing. I was approved, apparently, for both the Ra

and the diabetes in combination, if I read it correctly. As many guys say,

I'll take it any way I can get it! " <g>

Did I tell you all I am off the insulin completely now? I think I did

(brain fog?) but it's been 3 or 4 weeks now and all seems OK. I have been

taking Glucovance twice a day and my readings are pretty much the same as

they were while using the insulin, maybe a hair higher two hours after

eating supper, and a bit lower at times before supper.

I have been sort of struggling with the concept of now being " retired " . I

guess with the RA, or with any physical problems or disease, we tend to

think we will get treatment, go back to felling normal, and resume our

lives. Some do and some don't. There is a guilt side to this and I also

feel like poor Celine is getting stuck with all the responsibility of

supporting us. Of course, I realize this isn't entirely true because for

whatever it's worth, my disability checks will be my contribution. That's

why I hung in there and tried so hard and long to get them. But they seem

too meager and I wish I could do more. Celine is no shrinking violet type,

in fact she has become very independent and strong willed in the over 30

years we have been together, so if she thought I was not pulling my share,

she sure wouldn't hesitate to speak up and give me heck! She is perfectly

OK with it but it hurts me when she says things like she has to work

another 16 years before she can be retired like me. I said if you're

lucky, you would end up retired " like me " . Anyway, I'm not complaining as

she is really OK with this, and I know I should be too. Just venting a bit.

It's funny, I was never mister career or a " make all you can, can all you

make, then sit on the can " type. I always said I would be more than happy

to get paid to basically sit and home and do whatever I wanted. I'm not a

sports guy either so I'm not talking about being a veggie in front of the

TV. I am interested in learning new things, finding out how things work,

etc., so I figured there would be all kinds of pursuits and activities I

would be interested in and I would never be bored if I wasn't working. I

guess I am feeling a bit guilty about it happening now. It sure is taking

a long time to get used to this all so soon, though. I always put my

family and responsibility to them first. Even before we were married, we

met in high school and sat on her mom's back porch saying things like, " I

can't wait until we're married some day and have kids and this and

that. " I went to work full time right out of high school and began

planning and saving for our future, and our kid's future, for a few

years. Then we got married. Like so many others dreams, I suppose, mine

didn't work out the way I had wanted. But I was always able to provide for

my family (somehow) and raised my two daughters the best that I was able

to. I have no regrets there, of course I could have done better, but I

could have done a hell of a lot worse, too. The point here is, I've

basically spent the past 31 years with my family as my main focus, and now

the girls are gone, so now what?

Celine says this is the time to basically get selfish and do all the things

that WE want (And NO, I don't like or want to travel. Never really

did.). I'm not really looking for answers here, I'm just making the

observation that, at least for me, it's really weird to shift gears on what

my priorities are, and to realize at the same time, that it's perfectly

OK. It all happens so fast, and I tend to react slow to things, so I guess

I just need time to find my own private level of acceptance. I told Celine

that society focuses so much on the young adults planning their future

together and their family responsibilities, and all that goes with it, that

nothing seems to direct you what you are " supposed " to do AFTER the family

is raised and gone. Again, I'm just working through some things and making

some observations here - basically thinking out loud, I guess.

Well, as usual I've written much more than I intended to but it sure is

nice to have people I can " talk " to on these things. I wanted to also

mention that though I don't and can't respond to all the many emails coming

to this list, that I really feel for all the problems and emotions so many

of you are dealing with. Please don't think I am ignoring what you all are

dealing with in your lives and just dumping what's happening in mine. It

may look that way but I want you all to know that I appreciated this list

existing and that before falling asleep at night I try to include many of

your problems and concerns in my prayers.

Later . . .

Kossart - RA, Type-2 Diabetes