lessons learned deeply

[Guest guest]

Hi Dear Ones...yesterday was an important day. I was married in 1968 to

the love of my life, while only 17 and still a senior in high school.

He was being shipped off in the Navy to the waters close to Viet Nam,

and we wanted to be together in every way before he had to go. It was a

beautiful Christmas (Dec. 21) wedding...me in my white lace, my

bridesmaids in red velvet, and Vince in his Navy uniform.

Those first four years of marriage in the military life were years of

deep pain and tremendous joy. I was about as naive as one could be, and

Vince was right behind me.

It was a wonderful time when his service days were over and we could

finally be together everyday. Oh such terrific memories. We were so

blessed when we adopted our little baby girl we named Christena, and

made some very big, positive decisions in our lives because of her.

We were poor...Vince was going to college, we were very, very much in

love, and happier than we'd ever been.

We had been married 7 1/2 years (dating 2 years before that) when

seemingly out of the blue he was struck with a particularly virulent

type of leukemia. We really went through one of those 'Hollywood'

scenes where the doctor sits you down and says, " I have good news, and

bad news. " The good news was the dr. thought he could get Vince into

remission, the bad news was there simply was no cure.

The first round of chemo did not work but did manage to destroy what

little was left of Vince's health. I remember vividly the night his

lungs began not working, the call I had to make to his Mom at 1am not

knowing if he would make it through the night, the starkness of his

frail body and fear in is eyes being intubated in the ICU. His spirit

grew to have great peace, and we had the next 10 days to share our life

and say our 'til we meet again in Heaven' goodbyes. I didn't leave the

hospital during the last 10 days, and was with him when his soul

ascended and his body became an empty shell.

Vince had 1 sibling, a sister 4 years older than he, his mom, and dad.

His sister is the first to admit she was very spoiled and demanding in

her younger days. His dad was a wonderful man when sober, but could be

mean as all get out, emotionally & verbally when he drank...which was

any time he wasn't out on the boats working tug on the rivers. His mom

was the glue that kept things together.

After Vince passed on, we stayed close off and on. But after I married

again things got difficult. Looking back from the vantage point of now

being 51, I realize I was so very young, 24, to go through so much, and

Vince's folks were younger than I am now! Who knew how to handle the

death of one so beloved and full of life? I married too quickly a man

who was Vince's & my friend. I really only knew him well in the context

of being 'our buddy' from the Navy. However, he loved Vince too, and it

was comforting to share such intense grief with someone. Vince's folks

and sister felt as though I was putting Vince " on a shelf somewhere " and

forgetting him. They said very hurtful things to me about being

'disloyal'.

Though the years we all never, ever stopped loving one another, but the

strain was always there. We've gotten together from time to time, and

they have loved my children, which was a great gift. But there has

always been this chasm of grief none of us could make it over.

Yesterday we all got together at Vince's sisters' house - my mom,

Vince's folks, his sister & her husband, their youngest son & his sons,

my girls, their fiances and my grandchildren.

We hugged and loved on each other, had a great meal and jabbered like

nobody's business. It was so good, like being home.

Vince's sister's son has a beautiful, huge karaoke set-up in the den,

and he and my two youngest were singing their hearts out. All of us

women went to listen. My youngest, Genevieve, began to do the song

" From a Distance " (she is a huge Bette Midler fan like me). We were

listening, smiling, looking at each other. Vince's sister began to

cry...she hugged my mom and mom held her. Then she came to me and said

sobbing, " It's been way too long since this family has been 'together'. "

I held her in my arms and she wept and wept, her little body just

shaking from the sobs. I put my hand on the back of her head and held

her so close. Then she looked up and said, " I'm so sorry for the things

I've done in the past that have hurt us. " I told her I was sorry, too,

and that I understood how life had been so painful for us all. Life

threw us a curve we never saw coming, and it broke all of our hearts. We

held each other a very long time and it was achingly wonderful.

I am so grateful she invited us all over. I am so grateful that we

finally realized that none of us knew how to handle grief in a healthy

way. I am so grateful there is no more chasm between us. We will never

stop missing Vince til we see him in Heaven, but maybe now, all these 26

years later, we can truly miss him together.

Tess :'''''''