WHAT THE CHRONICALLY ILL NEED MOST

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WHAT THE CHRONICALLY ILL NEED MOST

On the positive side, here are ten suggestions for those who want to

help people with chronic disease:

1. Object to propaganda that blames the victims for their diseases. Even

if you object only in your own mind, get into the habit. Blaming the

victim is an everlasting temptation; remind yourself that it is arrogant

stupidity.

2. Keep in touch. I have had old friends drop me off their Christmas

letter list (I learned later) because they didn't want to have to hear

bad news about my Illness, and they figured the time had come when my

prospects looked bad. They didn't want to risk their feelings.

3. Be accepting. Allow the person to feel sick and scared and frustrated

part of the time if need be. If he ever lets down his happy facade with

you, it's not a social atrocity. Take it in stride. Likewise, allow him

to seem wildly optimistic if it happens. Stay calm.

4. Don't trivialize his problems by equating them with petty irritations

of everyday life. I went to hear a highly respected missionary-pastor

teach on " How to Respond When Tragedy Strikes, " and his whole talk was

about how he kept his serenity when he had a flat tire. I thought he was

a flat tire.

5. If you have an item of health news, pass it along -- but acknowledge

that it may not be accurate, or relevant, or may be old information

recycled. One of those is usually the case, and your statement eases the

disappointment. Your thoughtfulness will usually be appreciated. But

don't pass on items that are depressing. Stick to the positive.

6. Take time to learn the facts about this person's condition. Read up

on it if possible, or question someone who is reliable and informed.

Realize that the person may (or may not) be sick of describing it.

Caring enough to understand what's wrong is a rare gift. I have seen a

dying woman flinch with pain when her friends at church carelessly

congratulated her for managing to get her face to fill out so nicely. I

could see at a glance that her face was bloated from cortisone and that

she was going downhill and frightened. Her old friends refused to look

or listen.

7. Form a pool of practical helpers in your church, or use the deacon's

fund to hire professionals to do chores for the chronically ill. Most

churches have casserole brigades to help people with short-term

ailments, but no casserole brigade wants to touch the tarbaby of chronic

illness. The chronically ill are least apt to have money for hiring

help, and they need it most.

8. Be tolerant of the person's views about prayer and healing. Perhaps

he believes in divine healing today and you don't, or vice versa.

Respect his belief. You can pray for him even if he thinks healing is

impossible (or even if you do). After all, some chronically ill people

do recover, even when doctors have little hope. Job did. So share your

ideas if they are uplifting and the sick person wants to hear, but if he

doesn't buy in, don't go off in a huff like a disappointed vacuum

cleaner salesman.

9. It is said that sick people need human touch most of all and get it

least. If your friend is the kind who is open to it, follow your urge to

touch often. And if you're glad he's alive, let him know it. You may

counteract other recent input that has made him feel physically rejected

and useless.

10. Be brave. Be brave enough to read Kafka, Tolstoy, and Job very

slowly and thoughtfully. Then be brave enough to be kind.

This essay first appeared in Leadership Journal in Spring, 1985. It was

included in the Leadership Journal anthology Building Your Church

through Counsel & Care (Bethany House, 1997).