Re: Too Responisble?

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone, you are all so right. I know I need to take care of myself. My

worst fear is that I could end up like when I was first sick where even talking

was too strenuous. I mean I have problems with my cfs and fibro now, but whereas

now I'm often too tired to prepare food, back then I was often too tired to lift

a fork. It was like there was a thick wall between me and the rest of the world,

but the wall was just my body.

With the wildlife center, the reason I volunteer is that I can't work a paying

job. I'm not reliable enough and can't work often enough. I call in sick a lot

to this place. Now, though the girl who was in charge of my shift was 'let go',

so there aren't enough people, and the animal care directors keep hinting they

want me to take over the lead. I keep saying no. Today I did a really bad thing,

I propped myself up on b-12, sugary food, and red bull so I could make through a

midterm and the shift. I likely failed the midterm, but on the plus side I held

an osprey, a hawk, and a great-horned owl. It would be hard to give that up. But

now I feel sick and am just praying my brain will stop running in circles long

enough for me to get some sleep. I did tell the people at the center that I have

to take the next 2 weeks off at least, after that I will take Aylwin's (I think

it was Aylwin, sorry if it wasn't) suggestion and just explain that I can only

physically handle to work part of a shift, and if they don't like it well, oh

well, that's it then. They need to find more people to work Thursday evenings. I

have explained to one of the animal care directors about my cfs because I let

something slip about injecting myself with b-12, so hopefully she will

understand.

I'm also not stressing over school tests this term. It may result in much lower

grades, but oh well. There was a time I thought this dumb disorder would keep me

from graduating high school, so it's a miracle I'm even here at all. It's going

to be 8-9 yrs total for me to get my degree (I've been working on it for almost

6), I'm just chipping away at it 2 or 3 classes at a time. The goal is not for

me to kill myself to get a degree, it's to do something in the time while I'm

trying to get better. Many of my goals in life are probably unrealistic, but I

can't give up on them. The oldest person to ever climb Mt. Everest was 71, so I

have time. But after I graduate I might take a year and do absolutely nothing,

no volunteering, no school, no work, no social life, nothing. A friend of my

family was sick for 15 yrs with cfs and he only got better by complete

withdrawal from everything. I've sort of done that before, but not completely.

" I've begun looking at my cfs situation like the emergency procedure for

airplane crashes:Please secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help

others. " I love that. I will have to tell that to my mom. I'm really looking

forward to going home this summer. Maybe I'll stay longer than I had planned.

And take a break from the b-12 shots. My legs feel so bruised.

Sorry this got so long, I didn't mean it to be.

-Alia