In Need Of Some Possitive thoughts!!

[Guest guest]

I need to hear some happy thoughts...

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Hi gang~

I'm leaving in the morning for New York and my surgery is on Monday.

I have done so well up until today but I have done nothing but CRY

all day today!!

I was so positive in my thoughts, keeping out the negative and going

into surgery thinking whatever will be will be. Then BAMM!!

My 82 year old mom was shipped off to the hospital. They found a

hernia and planned yesterday to do surgery. Though this was the

worste possible time for this to happen, what can you do.

But last night the surgeon called and told me he was not comfortable

doing surgery on my mom. He said she is extremely high risk and

theres a good chance she may not make it through the surgery. It was

then that he told me the hernia is wrapped around her bowel and they

would have to remove the bowel to unwrap it and if she did make it

through surgery, theres a good chance she will have to have a bag in

the end.

I asked him if we don't go through with surgery, what are her chances

and he said theres no knowing how long she could live with this going

on. So either way, no matter what decisions we go forth with, the

risks are extreme. So right now, she's in the hospital on hold and

they are going to wait a few days before making a decision and

monitor her for now.

And I thought I was handling everything so well... well, I've been

crying as soon as the subject is brought up with family. I accept my

mom is old and we could have her 1 day, 1 week, 1 year or for many

more. What I am having trouble accepting is I wont be home to hold

her hand and tell her I love her if something was to happen. And this

is just tearing me up inside!!

I talked to my moms PCP today and broke down. She knows my situation

and that I'm having surgery. She's more like a family friend. She

asked me if I could postpone things for myself because she was

worried about me following through during this stressfull time. I

told her I need to get my health taken care of and she told me I have

to relax and take deep breaths to get through.

But I just keep breaking down and can't stop!! I talk to my aunt

today and fell apart. She told me to take a tranquilizer if I had

one. I hate bringing myself down with medication but I took a half of

ativan and feel very tired and drained.

I know that stress is something to avoid but under the circumstances,

I just can't focus on the positive and leave town knowing I'm leaving

my mom behind. But on the other hand, I know I need to think of me as

well and thats where the guilt sets in.

I can't talk to anyone around me anymore or I'll start crying so I

figured I'd come here and vent. Its nice to have a sounding board.

Thanks for listening...

Hope everyone is well

[Guest guest]

,

Facing surgery is always tough, and you have the added stress of your Mother

being ill.

When my surgery for decompression was coming up I got pretty scared. What I did

was focus on what my life will be like 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years down the road.

I also had to accept that I was scared, tell my friends, and just feel it. Other

times I had to go into full denial, and act as if everything was fine. I call

that " productive denial. " It works for me.

I would not wish this on anyone, but the day of my surgery I had a screaming

full blown migraine, and due to surgery, was unable to take any meds. They are

kind at the hospital about it, and were able to give me a bit of meds, since my

surgery got rescheduled for later in the day. Boy, what a reminder of why I was

doing this.

I know this is hard, but try to separate the fear you have for yourself from the

fear you have about our Mom. And remember, taking care of yourself makes it

possible for you to take better care of your Mom.

And don't feel like your tears and fear are a bad thing. Its normal. Be strong

and have a great game face when you can, but when you can't, be kind to yourself

and do nice things for yourself -- bubble bath, a good cry, hug a friend,

whatever helps you feel better.

I am 6 years post-op with decompression and I am soooooo glad I did it.

Hanna

decompressed May 2002

I need to hear some happy thoughts...

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Hi gang~

I'm leaving in the morning for New York and my surgery is on Monday.

I have done so well up until today but I have done nothing but CRY

all day today!!

I was so positive in my thoughts, keeping out the negative and going

into surgery thinking whatever will be will be. Then BAMM!!