off topic - typical pediatrician questions........

[Guest guest]

Don't you wish you had the nerve to say what you really feel? .......

On the way home from taking my child to the Pediatrician for a physical - I

thought of some better answers to the questions the nurse and doctor asked

of me in regards to my child........

First from the perky nurse as she escorts us back to a room:

" So how are you today Mrs. Guppy? "

Mom: Fine.

What I wanted to say:

Well, actually, since you asked - it took me 2 months to get this

appointment for just the right time - so I could be here and back before my

other child gets home from school.... Which you have ruined since you are

running behind from trying to accommodate the 12,000 patients you have.

Your waiting room has caused my child to have a sensory meltdown because of

too many children running around banging toys. I appreciate being made to

wait alongside coughing and sneezing sick children when my child is just

here for a well check. I thought it most considerate that a parent,

instead of yelling for the noisy children to shut up - turned the Barney

video up louder than the noisy children so that the other noisy children

could hear the video --- now I can't hear at all. For the last 4 years

this office has known my child is Autistic - and that he can't handle

waiting patiently in a packed overstimulating waiting room. And for 4 years

you still have not had the courtesy of escorting us to a private room to

wait. But I do want to thank you for calling me back just in the nick

of time --because if one more mother would have stared at my child and then

me with that pitiful look of ignorance, --I would have had a meltdown of

my own and it would not have been pretty.

Nurse: " Come on in here and let's test your vision and hearing.... "

Mom telling a white lie: He's been tested at school already....

Translation:

Are you for real? Did you not bother to read the chart you are guarding

with your life for fear I might know what's in it? The chart in your hands

would tell you he's Autistic and that he is severely developmentally delayed

and non-verbal. And as such - he would not understand what you are asking

him. And even if he did - he is non-verbal - how might he then tell you the

letters he is seeing or the sounds he is hearing?

Nurse: " OK then - let's go ahead and take your vital signs - we

need to check your temperature, pulse, and blood pressure.... "

Mom smiling: O.K....

Translation:

Yeah right...... Go ahead, .... It'll " Make my day " watching you try.......

Finally the doctor comes in:

Doctor: " Is on any medications? "

Mom: No.

Translation:

Not from you. If it were up to you my child would be nowhere. But thanks

to open minded doctors willing to look beyond standard textbook medical

practice - my child is getting the help and intervention he needs. We are

using digestive enzymes and secretin and amino acid supplements to balance

out his malabsorption issues and chronic diarrhea that you say is just

Autism. We are also using chemet to detoxify him from the poisions and

heavy metals built up in him - that you assured me weren't there.....

Doctor: " Is allergic to anything? "

Mom: No.

Translation:

Yes. As a matter of fact he does have a few: Thimerosol, antifreeze,

formaldehyde, aborted fetuses, viruses and bacteria mixed together, trace

other metal type filler ingredients...... I'll give you the product inserts

because I see you are not keeping up in writing these down......

Doctor: " How is doing in school? "

Mom: Fine

Translation:

Well, seeing is how everything is a struggle in getting appropriate

services, appropriate staffing, appropriate classroom size, and appropriate

inclusion - and appropriate compliance with IDEA laws, ---- I would say he

could be doing a whole lot better.....

Doctor: " Do you have ipecac syrup handy for accidental ingestion of

poisions? "

Mom: Yes.

Translation:

Yes I have ipecac syrup - will it make him vomit back up the poisions you

injected into him for the past 6 years?

Doctor: " is old enough for an adult seatbelt now - make sure you

always buckle him up for safety.

Mom: Always.....

Translation:

You have no clue...... This child escapes from the second floor window that

is barred. This child escapes from triple bolted doors. This child escapes

from a 6 foot fence with barbed wire on top and a moat around it. Do you

really think a seatbelt will hold him?

Finally he is done and looks at me with concern. I'm sure the messed up

hair, dark circles, and stained clothes - prompted his next question...

" Mrs Guppy, how are you? Are you doing ok?? "

Mom: I'm fine. Thank you for asking......

Translation:

Hell no I'm not ok - I have a child that missed out on early diagnosis

because you thought he was just slower than my first child. When I did

finally get him diagnosed and into speech and occupational therapy - I spent

the next 6 months fighting my insurance to cover it. When Autism finally

sunk in and I realized there was no known cause, few accessible treatments,

and no cure - I was devastated. When I applied to services that are

supposed to help me - I was turned down because of a 6 year waiting list for

funding. When I figured out what could have caused my child to be autistic,

and is casually dismissed by lack of so called scientific evidence, I was no

longer devastated. I was now furious. Furious that you can harm my child

with your ignorance and narrow-mindedness - when you supposedly took an oath

to do no harm! I had to quit my job so I could have the time to do yours -

and not get paid for it. I spend what is left of the day helping other

parents so that they don't have to go through the hell I went through.

What's leftover goes to non-profit organizations raising awareness and funds

for research because the government won't. Somewhere in all that I have a

typical child to try and give a typical life to. When I finally get a

moment alone with my husband in bed late at night, I am too tired to talk to

him, let alone have sex with him. That makes me cranky and irritable and

fat because the sex was the only exercise and stress reliever I had time for

in the first place before all this happened.... ---- but thank you for

asking!

Really - I'm not bitter............ lol lol!!

Guppy