Re: Yesterday's appointment...- back to Gail

[Guest guest]

Hi Gail

I've had to deal with some real head stuff too. To be honest Gail I

was like a woman possessed to get this weight off. I always

said 'disciplined', my hubby would quietly say 'obsessive'. Funny

though - when I spoke to the surgeon beforehand he said well what

weight do you want to get down to. And I stumbled about saying, gee

I haven't given thought to that but I'm not here to get slim - just

normal - so size 16 would be good. He said, for you that'd be 90kgs

and he was right. So I hadn't set myself a goal, and I never

considered beyond 90. But the reality is I had a tight band and

that together with the fact I followed the rules - didn't think to

do otherwise - and the weight melted away.

At about 75kgs I calculated my BMI - it told me I was overweight. I

then had a secret challenge - to have my BMI in the normal

category. I hadn't come this far to have some little computer

calculator tell me I was overweight.

I'm a real 'all or nothing', 'black and white' person - I think

that's one of my flaws that got me fat in the first place. I was

either dieting, or gutsing, nothing in between. Exercised when I

dieted, dropped it when I was gutsing - when I needed it most!

So with hubby in my ear saying enough is enough I eventually had to

fight the head stuff about what I would allow myself to eat. I

guess it was because I felt once I started eating the 'bad' foods, I

wouldn't know the boundaries, which was always the case in the

past. If you've done a little damage, why not a whole lot. So I

started to introduce additional foods and dealt with the feelings

that brought. And allowed myself days off exercising - and had to

deal with that. Anyway I'd got myself to a good place I think - for

me. A reasonably healthy balance - but I still spend much too much

time thinking about fat, thin, good foods, bad foods.

So this recent period has been interesting. I've got hubby saying

relax, enjoy, you ain't going to get fat. I've got the surgeon

telling me to go home and 'eat a steak sandwich'. But I had a clear

boundary, a time limit - yesterday, fill day, and regardless of

whether the fill was enough it was the signal for the end of the

fun. You know - you can only start a diet on a Monday. Same

principle. So I immediately felt out of control - my

boundary/deadline was removed - scary and I reacted really badly.

But I've done some serious talking to myself - I have to find

control and hopefully I have. I so could have done the chips and

choc. I am driven by the absolute fear of failure. Please I don't

want to fail - again.

So Gail I so understand the head stuff. The obession with foods,

scales, exercise, etc. For me it's a continuing battle - but one I

wish to overcome. It hasn't gone with the weight. I too know how

you feel about having lost so much and fussing over a couple of

kilos. I know others would be so happy to have that problem. But

is it the two kilos - or what they represent? Food and weight being

such a central and controlling factor in our life.

I'm with you here Gail. Thanks for sharing, know I understand.

Regards

Lorraine

>

> Hi Lorraine

>

> We havent spoken often, but i have followed your story as best i

> could. You have given me renewed hope that im not all that

> abnormal, even though i truly feel i am.

>

> I do not know your weight but looking at your pics you look quite

> slim to me, possibly but very kindly bordering on skinny. But

here

> you are having all the mind games that i suffer. I know this does

> not probably help you but it does help me and others out there. I

> have come from 145ishkgs at my largest (132kg DOB) down to

> fluctuating between 67-69kgs. When i put on even 200grams i get so

> down. It sets me up for a real bad day, woe betide any1 that

> crosses my path.

>

> This is stupid behaviour, i know that, but its like my eating,

> uncontrollable. I so want to get to 65kgs by my reconstructive

> surgery in September, and i know there are alot of people out

there

> thinking oh boo hoo. I wish i could think that way. I have been

> dancing with these last few kgs for months now.

>

> To be honest I probably wouldnt care if i didnt get to 65 as they

> are gonna chop the rest off, but i just wish i could maintain a

bit

> better. I do feel i have too much fill. I am very limited in

> variety of food. Meat and vegies do not go down. Alot of junk

> does, not takeaways, that dont happen either. I can eat a large

bag

> of twisties, admittedly it takes me over an hour, not the 10

minutes

> it used to. I can eat a toasted sandwich, which i suppose in the

> grand scheme isnt a disaster. I can eat lots of choccie biscuits,

> like 6 or more in a sitting, but again they take longer. But let

me

> sit down to dinner......pfft not often do i not pb some. I have

> decided when my surgeon takes my fill out for my op i am going to

> have a lesser amount put back in, not alot less but just some to

see

> if i can get the variety happening, hopefully then i will be able

to

> eat meat and veg, and stop the rubbish.

>

> Now it should be easy for me to lose this last bit, purely by not

> buying the bickies or twisties, I dont know why i dont have the

last

> little bit of willpower to see me through this.....2 bloody kg not

> the heaps i had to lose before.

>

> What i am saying in this long winded way ( my need to whinge ) is

> that even though you are alot longer banded than me, this

obsession

> (if thats the right word) never truly goes away. Try not to get

too

> down on yourself, you seem to have had a pretty rocky ride of it,

so

> you do deserve a break. 2kgs isnt much in the scheme of things

> (look who's talking...lol) Hopefully next week you will get your

> much needed fill, sometimes i think our heads need these fills

more

> than our bands do, but who cares how they work, as long as they

work.

>

> I am sorry for waffling on, but its good for me to hear of other,

> more experienced bandsters having similar issues to me. I beat

> myself up so bad in regards to putting on, then i beat myself up

> again for being so stupid. Hehehe does it ever end????

>

> Hugs and heaps of support

> Gail

>