Mission Improbable III

[Guest guest]

OK gang,

This list has been boring me long enough now, time to throw a monkey wrench

into the works, a little something I've been holding onto for too long

already, so without further ado,,

I have just recieved news that may be of some significance towards the

current state of turmoil in recent events concerning terrorist activities

here and abroad, and possibly the fate of the entire world.   The Supremely

Mediocre, Dull, Boring, and really not an awful lot of Fun Council of the

Slightly Low Down Realm of Middle Earth, has just announced that secret agent

007Hobbit, has agreed to go on an exquisitely daring and heroic mission,

(reluctantly as always of course).  Just a small burglary mission of sorts,

nothing too difficult for a hobbit really.  The object of this burglary is

the " Black Rock " that sits on a corner of the sacred holy shrine called the

Ka'aba located in Mecca.  

As most people of the world have undoubtedly heard by now, unless they have

been hanging out with headhunters in Borneo or the like, a Holy War has been

declared on the US of A and its allies such as they are, by a consortium of

terrorists and organizations spread far and wide in the world, including the

domains of their enemy, the so called " Great Satan " of US.  They have already

managed to lop of what may have been perceived as the two horns of this

horrid creature and also wounded its heart, if the symbology of the twin WTC

towers and the Pentagon is apparent to anyone else.  And there are many

rumors and speculations running around as to what they might strike next.

 Being such a free and open society as the US of A is, the aforesaid council

regards these acts as being a bit unfair, since none of them have had the

courage to claim responsibility for these attacks, although a lot of people

have already proclaimed one key individual either a Hero or a Heretic for

them.  Therefore the objective of this mission is to encourage those

responsible, or who would like to claim responsibility for them, whether they

actually had anything to do with them or not, so that Justice can be

administered fairly, or to the overall satisfaction of most of the world's

inhabitants, who would probably enjoy a good night's sleep once more in the

wake of these events.

Therefore, the SMDB and really not an awful lot of FC of the SLDR of ME, has

determined that the sacred foundation stone of Islam, shrouded in as much

mystery and secrecy as these terrorists themselves to all of the so called

Infidels in the world, will make an excellent bit of leverage between all

agrieved parties pertaining to these events.  (And just when those suicidal

maniacs thought they had nothing else to lose.  Just ask REM, no not Rapid

Eye Movement, but that may be somewhat relevant to that good night's sleep

issue mentioned earlier.)  Generally, missions of this sort are usually

conducted by regular humans with the appropriate talents, such as the

worldwide acclaimed magician, Copperfield.  Piece of cake for him to

pull off.  Unfortunately he is currently unavailable at the moment.  Just

some routine questioning by the FBI, CIA, NSA, KGB, BBC, Gestapo and every

other Intelligence agency in the world that wants to appear busy in the news

media conducting an investigation into these attacks.  Something about Mr.

Copperfield's next magnum opus feat of Illusion or Magic, making the um,,,

World Trade Towers, um,, er, you know,,dissappear.  Well in any case, there's

no telling how long it will take him to escape from all that big pile of

bureaucratic Red Duck Tape.  Which is why the SMDB, and really not an awful

lot of FC of the SLDR of ME, had to enlist the aid of secret agent 007Hobbit.

 Here's ME secret agent R's list of goodies and gadgets especially concocted

for 007Hobbit to assist him in his mission.

First a pair of oil slick Nike's, fashioned by the Goddess of Victory

herself, (with open toes of course), in case he is given a bit of a chase

along the way.  Next he has a Stink Bomb that was formulated in the Ultra Top

Secret Skunkworks Lab located in Area 52, which every one knows is in the

middle of the middle of somewhere but nowhere around here or Denmark. Agent R

says  the smell is noxious enough to,, " Gag a maggot of a dead Wharf Rat " , to

those suffering from fanatical delusional suicidal tendencies, but rather

pleasant to the olfactories of hobbits and other regular humdrum folks who

would rather live to a ripe old age.  And thirdly, the latest ME

technological achievement, the ultra thin lightweight fold up pocket sized

hypersonic Flying Carpet, colored with that Far Out hallucinogenic Red cane

dye, all those old Oriental weavers used to get off the ground with on one

side, but just an ordinary solar reflective survival blanket on the other,

just in case secret agent 007Hobbit wishes to get a bit of a tan on the

return trip with the " Black Rock " onboard.  

Now some Jung-Fire readers may be wondering how such a small fellow as

007Hobbit, is going to lift the " Black Rock " onto the aforesaid Flying

Carpet, and frankly, that bit of the plan had the SMDB and really not an

awful lot of FC of SLDR of ME stumped as well.  In fact they were about to

scrap the whole mission and let humanity go about doing whatever it is they

do in crisis situations like this, namely make a Bigger Mess than they

started out with on the planet's surface and make quite a big racket in the

process that is so annoying to all the inhabitants of ME, but then they got

news that the head of the US Dept. of Justice proclaimed that they would, and

I quote,, " Leave No Stone Unturned " , in their investigation of these attacks,

so the feasibility of the mission was once again at least in the realm of

possibility, once they get around to looking under " That " stone, to see if in

fact, there is a terrorist hiding underneath it, I presume.  

It is the hope of the SMDB and really not an awful lot of FC of the SLDR of

ME, that the staff of the US Dept of Justice will establish some sort of

priority in this monumental effort, starting with the more well known

landmark rocks and stones such as Gibralter, and work their way down to the

more innoculous common Zen garden varieties, and if they have to as a last

resort of course, everyone's personal Pet Rock as well.  So,, why you ask,

isn't the regular secret agent 007, what's his name, oh yeah, Bond,,

Bond being assigned to this mission?  Well, as someone else at Jung-Fire so

adequately put it recently,, " That,, just wouldn't be prudent! "   Bond

couldn't possibly resist the terrible temptation of " The Ring " .  Why he'd be

busy using it to sneak a peek under every veiled voluptous form in all those

fundamentalist regions of Islam, and probably forget all about the mission

most likely.  And even if he did manage to take a peek under every one of

those veiled voluptuous forms just in time to be on hand when the US Dept of

Justice arrived to take a look under the " Black Rock " , why he'd still blow

the whole mission by taking off " The Ring " once he thought he was out of

firing range and say something silly like, " Peekaboo, guess Who " , as he made

his getaway.  Now that would be just the kind of mess the SMDB and really not

an awful lot of FC of the SLDR of ME doesn't want to happen in this case.

 Just imagine what a " Traffic Jam " (anyone remember that Rock group?) that

would cause, with Forty Thousand Headmen riding camels and Mercedes, firing

shotguns in pursuit.  And besides,, Bond already has a tan.  So there you

have it folks, lets all wish the ever reluctant but none the less brave and

heroic secret agent 007 Godspeed on his mission, and don't forget to pack a

picnic basket full of his favorite shrooms to munch along the way.  

The Masked Mutter rides again,,

P.S.  The SMDB and really not an awful lot of FC of the SLDR of ME would like

to reassure all of the devout and faithful follower of Islam, that once the

mission has been accomplished, and all of the terrorist's beet red faces are

revealed, the sacred " Black Rock " and foundation stone of Islam will be

returned to its appropriate location.  And also that it will be treated with

as much due reverence as any other follower of Islam would treat it, that is

to say, " Just like Family " , and even wash it and give it a nice wax job if

they like.  So how long it's withheld is totally up to all the agrieved

parties to these events.