Mothers and Adult daughters

[Guest guest]

Hi everybody,.....and especially Lyn. I read about your experience with

your daughter, and I feel so sad she treated you like that. I've been

having a terrible time with my 25 yr. old too. After I fell a few weeks

ago, ended up with a concussion, and became a little afraid to be left

alone, I vascilated between whether I should call and ask my daughter to

move home for awhile and help me out. She's not married, and she could

have made the arrangments. So I got my nerve up to call, and after I

asked there was dead silence on the other end. I knew she was struggling

to say something, and finally she said: " Can't you get home Health care

to come in and take care of you? " Right then I realized this might be a

pre-view into the future of the type of help I can expect from my

children when I become elderly. Frightening.

In some ways I can understand her not wanting to leave her friends, and

unfortunately she's got a new boyfriend that has a violent past, so we

have told her he isn't accepted into our home. [can't deal with THAT

stress] and as usual she has chosen her friends over us.

But,..........I'm the one SHE comes to for help. I was under the

idealistic notion that there was enough loyalty, and love from her

towards me, that she would see the situation as one where family is

there for family. Sadly, she wants me there for her,

but..............friends come first for her, and not just boyfriends,

ALL her friends.

Anyhow another reason I am sharing this, is to let you know I have a

book called: FRIENDS FOR LIFE, by/ Jonas and Marilyn Nissenson, and

it's all about mothers and their adult daughters relationship. There are

many examples that touch on all the aspects of our relationship with our

daughters. It has helped me feel like I'm not the only one experiencing

these things, and then there are helpful advice to put things in a

working perspective.

Some of the Chapters are:

Part One A CRITICAL JUNCTURE

1. The Developmenttal paths of mothers and daughters

2. The burden of the Past: How YOUR mother mothered you.

Part Two UNRESOLVED TENSIONS

1. Your daughters personal style and habits

2. Your daughters love life

3. When your daughter lives at home

4. Can she fend for herself

5. Changes in YOUR life

6. Your expectations and HER life

Part Three STRENGTHENING THE CONNECTION

1. Redeeming your role in her life

2. Getting beyond guilt

3. Expressing your voice

Part Four LOOKING AHEAD

1. Friends for life

2. Our personal journey

This book has helped open my mind, and my heart to exploring my own

thoughts, and learning who my daughter is now that she is an adult. It

has been very hard, because with having a chronic illness, and myself

being brought up to believe daughters should be available to help out,

my first reaction was anger and hurt when she refused. I'm also having a

difficult time with her choice of men friends, she seems to go for the

criminals, and that is so contrary to her Christian upbringing, and I am

so afraid for her. We are on speaking terms, but there will be a wedge

between us as long as she makes choices that go against my beliefs. Some

things just can't be compromised.

Anyhow, Lyn, if you want to share, and cry on my shoulder I'm here for

you, and any other mother/father who's having trials with their

children. [i won't even go into what is happening with my 22 yr. old son

right now, so I can relate to son AND daughter troubles]

Hugs to all, Jackie

[Guest guest]

Jackie thats exactly what my daughter said to me when I came home from

the hospital the last time. It hurts, no way around it, it just hurts. I

CAN " T understand it or rationalize it because I would have moved heaven

and earth to help my mom.Family just isn't what it used to be. I am a

child of the 60's and I still have the family values which we were

supposed to have destroyed. If either one of my kids were to have

medical problems I would be there for them, and they would EXPECT me

too. Don't have any answers...I just know some things are changing here.

Starts with my trip, and who knows when I get back. But this will

definitely not happen to me again. Iwish you better luck in the future

with yours Jackie.

Lyn

~~~~~~~~Oh,Bother..(Pooh)~~~~~~~~

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