Return of the Grinch :)

[Guest guest]

Return of the Grinch

>[by Ricci (with apologies to Dr. Seuss)]

>

>Way up in his cave north of Who-ville, the Grinch

>Was enjoying retirement; life was a cinch.

>

>He played on his PC and tweaked other hacks

>And talked of old times with his aged dog, Max.

>

>He rarely went down to the town of the Whos,

>Save to stock up on roast beast and Who-hash and booze.

>

>He preferred not to rub on the slow-healing sore

>Of his near-theft of Christmas two decades before.

>

>Well, one day as Grinch sat keyboarding on-line,

>Some E-mail arrived of intriguing design:

>

> " Please, Mr. Grinch, let me come visit you. "

>The message was signed by one " -Lou Who. "

>

> " -Lou Who, " though the Grinch, " -Lou Who,

> " Now, who is this Who name of -Lou Who? "

>

>He scratched his head hard till his memory expanded -

>Ah, she'd been the tot who had caught him red-handed

>

>All those long years ago when, with devilish glee,

>He'd been making away with her folks' Christmas tree!

>

>So Grinch swept his cave of its Grinchy debris,

>And combed out his fur to receive company,

>

>This -Lou Who, who was now twenty-two,

>A graduate student at East Who-ville U.,

>

>Her voice was no longer the coo of a dove,

>But firm and commanding, as if from Above.

>

>She wasted few words in unveiling her plan:

>She wanted the Grinch to steal Christmas - again!

>

> " Since your last theft attempt, time has taken its toll;

> " Now Who-ville's Christmas deserves to be stole, "

>

>said -Lou in a most righteous tone

>(Grinch captivated by how much she'd grown!).

>

> " Back then when you took all the presents away,

> " We Whos nonetheless celebrated the day.

>

> " But now no one holds hands, and nobody sings.

> " All we Whos care for is getting more things.

>

> " The radio broadcasts Yule songs in July,

> " To pump up the Whos to get out there and buy,

>

> " Lest Christmas morn, when they rise from their sleep,

> " The gifts 'neath the tree aren't eleven feet deep.

>

> " The whole, long ordeal leaves most every-Who stressed,

> " Exhausted, debt-ridden and deeply depressed.

>

> " Oh, we must stop this madness, we must, must, must, must!

> " Before the day's meaning has turned all to dust. "

>

>Said Grinch, " Heaven's sakes, Missy, why come to me?

> " I can't steal Christmas - I'm seventy-three. "

>

>Said she, " Oh, I know that you'll think of a plan;

> " You did it before, you can do it again. "

>

>Then she gave to old Grinch, to ensure his enthralled-ness,

>A daughterly kiss on his male-pattern baldness,

>

>Making him blush underneath all his fur

>And vow to himself, " I will do it - for her. "

>

>So Grinchy dug out the old Santy Claus suit

>That, in the first heist, was his best attribute.

>

>Then he called his dog, Max, and took some red thread,

>And tied a big horn on the doggy's old head.

>

>He hitched up the pooch to a ramshackle sleigh,

>Which he filled up with sacks for to haul loot away.

>

>Then he waited for darkness to fall on the town,

>And told Max, " Giddap, " and began the trip down.

>

>On the south edge of Who-ville, a newly built part,

>He came to a stop at the giant Who-Mart.

>

>Grinchily sly, he slunk in a side door

>And filled up a sack with goods from Aisle 4.

>

>But he saw as he picked through the toys and CDs,

>No bag in the world could contain all of these.

>

>All Christmas was stealable two decades before;

>Today you could not make a dent in one store!

>

>Just then he heard footsteps and looked up to see

>Security guards coming 'round from Aisle 3.

>

>He tugged on the sack, but he just couldn't budge it;

>And time was a-wasting, as Grinchy adjudged it.

>

>So he ran from the store, oh, he ran, ran, ran, ran,

>Ran faster than ever in his whole life span.

>

>Flogging poor Max like some poor galley slave,

>He barely escaped to his hideaway cave.

>

>Looking down on the town, the Grinch pondered his fix:

> " Surely there's more in my old bag of tricks. "

>

>On what thing, he wondered, did Christmas depend,

>The supply of which he, Grinch, might act to suspend?

>

> " Why, batteries, of course! " he told Max (who just looked).

> " Without them, this Christmas' goose will be cooked! "

>

>So, with squirt gun and mask, he headed off straight

>With Max and the sleigh to the new Interstate.

>

> " When the truck full of batteries comes down the road, "

>The Grinch-jacker chortled, " We'll hijack its load! "

>

>Max, for his part, felt unsure and afraid

>To be used, at his age, as a street barricade.

>

>At last came the semi, and Grinchy yelled, " Stop! "

>And brandished his squirt gun like some kind of cop.

>

>But the truck just roared on, and it knocked the Grinch flat

>And crunched through the sleigh - and, well, that was that.

>

>Lucky for Grinch, he'd just joined HMO -

>The truck broke his hinch bone and linch bone and toe.

>

> " I can still use my hands, " Grinch told Max (who just snored),

>And sat himself down at his PC keyboard.

>

> " I'll make a computer bug cripple and maim

> " Every Who-ville computer and video game.

>

> " All Christmas purists will surely admire us

> " When they see the effects of our cyberspace virus. "

>

>Grinch started to program, oh, he hacked, hacked, hacked,

>And soon had a virus all set too attack.

>

>He was poised to press ENTER and set off the plague

>When he heard a loud knock on the door of his cave.

>

> " Police! Open up! " came the shout from outside

>The hair stood at attention on Grinchy's scared hide

>

>The cops bashed the door down, the impatient toughs;

>They read Grinch his rights, and then slapped on the cuffs.

>

>Through Grinch-prints they'd traced him and made the charge stand:

>Attempted hijacking and larceny, grand.

>

>Another fact made Grinch's plight still more tender -

>He might go to trial as a repeat offender.

>

>And so Grinchy landed in Who-ville's Who's-gow

>Along with poor Max, his reluctant bow-bow.

>

>They cowered in corners and tried to steer clear

>Of guys with tattoos and lascivious leers.

>

>Then one day a visitor came to see Grinch;

>His suit looked hand-tailored, each exquisite inch.

>

>Reading his business card, jailbird Grinch saw:

> " Shapir-who, Attorney-at-Law. "

>

> " I'm taking your case, " said the lawyer, " and, too,

> " My fees will be paid by Ms. -Lou Who.

>

> " I'll make you a hero, role model, the works.

> " They'll never convict you, the slow-witted jerks. "

>

>Shapir-Who sent Grinch super-agent Mike Who-vitz,

>Who soon orchestrated a media-zoo blitz.

>

>Newspapers headlined, " Grinch motives were pure. "

>Talk-show hosts called his confinement " manure. "

>

>A hurry-up movie was made of his plight.

>He spoke, live, with Who-prah via satellite.

>

>Everyone talked of his brave, lonely quest

>To bring Christmas back to an era more blessed.

>

>His fame soon surpassed more illustrious names,

>And led to Grinch dolls, bikes and video games,

>

>Which all hit the shelves just in time for Yule sales,

>And made for store profits of unheard-of scales.

>

> " Grinch, " said Shapir-who, " with this latest deal,

>You're sure to be bigger than Shaquille Who'Neal. "

>

>Bigger than Shaq? That thought took Grinch aback!

>But he did have endorsements too many to track.

>

>At his trial, crowds applauded when Grinchy stepped forth,

>Looking nobly self-righteous as Who-liver North.

>

>His lawyer orated, oh, he talked, talked, talked, talked -

>And the jury acquitted the Grinch, in a walk.

>

>After, a limousine whisked Grinchy home -

>Not too a cave, but a new pleasure-dome

>

>With thirty-four rooms and a house staff of three,

>Who toasted with bubbly his being set free.

>

>Next morning, while Grinch lounged in opulent glitz,

>Discussing residuals with agent Who-vitz,

>

>The butler announced with pretentious ado,

> " A certain Ms. Who has arrived to see you. "

>

>Grinch put down his cell-phone and tightened his tie,

>And straightened the brow over each Grinchy eye.

>

>But -Lou scoffed at his mansion and loot,

>And, smirking, derided his Who-mani suit.

>

> " I was foolish, " she spat, " thinking you'd lift the curse.

> " You didn't save Christmas, you just made things worse. "

>

>Said Grinch, in a half-hearted, mumbly way:

> " I tried to do right - it just happened to pay. "

>

>But his high spirits fell, oh they fell, fell, fell, fell,

>They could not have fallen more if they'd fell in a well.

>

>And suddenly Grinchy knew what he must do

>To regain the esteem of Ms. -Lou Who.

>

>Straight off he called up his financial advisor,

>Knowing his wishes were sure to surprise her,

>

>And he emptied his savings and 401Ks,

>Got rid of his stocks and his fat IRAs.

>

>He sold off the mansion and world-class wine cellar,

>Sold the cigar boat with corkscrew propeller.

>

>Grinch rented the Who-Dome and gave dinner, free,

>To twenty-eight thousand, eight hundred and three.

>

>And not only Whos but all Whats, Whys and Hows

>>From neighboring villages, cities and towns.

>

>Homeless and friendless, the rich and the poor -

>No living creature was turned from the door.

>

>The menu was Who-hash and prime-rib roast beast,

>And plum cakes and loaves of bread baked with Who-yeast.

>

>But before the feast started, all present joined hands

>And sang Christmas songs played by two dozen bands.

>

>And all, intermingling, wished all others well,

>And couldn't remember so fine a Noel.

>

>Impressed, -Lou gave the Grinch a great hug

>And planted a smooch on his Grinchy old mug.

>

> " You failed to steal Christmas, " she whispered, " and yet

> " You've set an example we'll never forget. "

>

>And afterward, Grinchy went home to his cave,

>Quite pleased with himself and the Christmas he gave.

>

>He felt that his heart, once two sizes too small,

>Could now scarcely fit inside Carnegie Hall.

>

> " It just goes to show, " he said, nodding his head,

> " You get more from giving than getting ahead.

>

> " You're richer admired than rich-and-reviled. "

>He patted the head of old Max (who just smiled).

> ~c~c~c~c~c~c~c~c~c~c~c~c~