RE: Another new member's story!

[Guest guest]

You have described my 11 year old to a tee. Even the part about your dad's sniffling and your mom's picking of her bottom lip--that's my husband and me! The only difference is that we are very well aware of my daughter's condition and try very hard not to offend her. When I'm picking my lip--very bad habit--I will see that look on her face and stop. It has really helped me to break the habit. My husband tries to blow his nose often and makes sure to take Nasonex--he has really bad allergies.

Also, my daughter has just developed the "touch the face" visual. I couldn't figure out what the problem was, but now I realize that it's a visual thing not an audible one. This is probably a psychological learned reaction--she hears noises many times when someone has there hand around their face--picking lips, sucking fingers, putting something in the mouth--and so now anytime someone's hand is around their face she gets the same anxiety/trigger.

However, there is no way possible to not offend her throughout the day. But we tell her she can leave the table any time she needs to, and we turn on the TV and fan over the stove for noise. But we still deal with a lot of rage and outbursts. We tell her we understand and it's not her fault and we don't blame her. But many times she cries and still thinks we are mad at her. It's really really hard.

If your mom needs to talk to another mom, I would love to have a conversation with her. I feel really bad for you--having to suffer in silence like you do.

Tell your mom to email me if she would like to talk.

-----Original Message-----From: Soundsensitivity [mailto:Soundsensitivity ]On Behalf Of cherrydoom2008Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 11:31 PMTo: Soundsensitivity Subject: Another new member's story!

I figured I may as well introduce myself here. I'm 18, and I've beensuffering from certain sound sensitivities since I was about 9. So farI've managed pretty well in not turning my anger/anxiety out onothers, but it does a number on me emotionally.Anyway, here's my lengthy story, basically the same one I sent towww.soundsensitive.org for their "Real-Life Accounts" section. Sorryif it's too long ---I remember when it first happened.I was probably 8 or 9 at the time, my family was seated for a nicedinner. We were all eating. And suddenly I noticed that my parents andmy brother all seemed to be eating kind of loudly. It was bothering mea bit. And, being a kid, I didn't think anything of asking them "Couldyou please eat a little quieter," which I did.And they just kind of looked at me with an odd expression on theirfaces, and told me they were eating normally, and that it was rude toask something like that at the dinner table. And I was kind of stunnedat their reaction (wasn't my request completely normal?) and shut upfor the rest of the meal.In the 10 years that have passed since then, this sensitivity hasremained, even strengthened. The range of sounds that bother me hasonly widened. It now includes:Lip smacking, chewing (open-mouthed or not), sucking teeth,swallowing, nose-whistling, audible/heavy/congested breathing,constant sniffing, teeth hitting silverware/anything hard/other teeth,ice chomping, GUM CHEWING, GUM POPPING, that tiny noise lips sometimesmake when they part, fingernail picking, fingernail clipping, skinrubbing together near my ears, pencil tapping, pen clicking, the listcould certainly go on!And I've recently started being bothered by visual cues as well,including:Foot tapping near the corner of my eye, anyone having their hands neartheir face, the way your jaw and temples move while they eat (whetherI can hear it, or not), fidgeting.My usual reaction to this follows a pattern:1. Extreme annoyance, and shame that I'm bothered by somethingeveryone else perceives as normal; fear that I'm going to be rudeabout it... this quickly moves to:2. Rage at the source of the sound. Absolute rage.3. Fantasies about asking them to stop, or making them stop.4. Fantasies about hurting them in very violent ways.*5. Feeling of defeat, hopelessness, extreme anxiety.6. Feel like I'm going to throw up, run away, scream, cry.*No cause for concern here. I'd never hurt anyone in my life, nomatter what noise they make. I mean, I don't even have the guts to ASKthem to stop.So far, being just 18, this has mostly led to strains within myfamily, such as my intolerance of my father's incessantsniffing/fidgeting, and my knee-jerk anger reaction to my mother'shabit of picking her bottom lip (hands near the face AND the sound ofa mouth parting... joy.). And the dinner table has become nonexistant,I've noticed, in the past few years.For the longest time I tried to hide my annoyance and disgust withthem. Because they were being NORMAL, they weren't doing anythingwrong! But my god, the way my father chews his food, you can hear itmoving around in there, and sometimes it hits these pockets of airsand makes THIS NOISE that drives me up the wall. And the way mybrother used to chomp down on his silverware, sometimes just to annoyme. My mother has lately been a rather quiet eater, I know just out ofher worry and her wish not to annoy me. And that makes me feel horrible.I'd eat with them, of course, but quickly, to get out of there as fastas I could. I'd sit as far away from my dad, the worst offender, aspossible. I'd cringe at my brother's silverware noises, and try sohard not to appear like it all bothered me, but inevitably I'd getthis sour look on my face, and stare down at my plate or glare at themsilently. And they'd get fed up with my 'bitchiness' and tell me todeal with it. Which I understand.I never actually mentioned it again at the table, since that day whenthey told me it was rude. I guess it's a combination of guilt andshame at the fact that I'd be asking so much of them and that I'd beexpressing my disapproval of them. I just don't want to hurt them, andthat hurts me.I think out elaborate plans to mask certain sounds.Sometimes when I eat in one-on-one situations, I carefully pace myeating to the pace of the other person, so we'll always be chewing atthe same time, so I can mask the sound of their eating. I save eatingnoisy food for when they eat noisy food. And I start to panic if Ifinish before they do.In class in middle school and high school, I'd have to surreptitiouslyplug the ear closest to any offender (sniffler, gum chewer, eater),and just hope to god nobody could tell what I was doing. But you knowkids these days. Sometimes I'd be SURROUNDED by gum chewers, eaters,whatevers. And I know it'll only get worse in college next year.I don't like chewing gum, but I'll do it if anyone else is. I've sofar managed to keep my anxieties away from my friends just bysuffering their sounds in silence. The way they eat is not worthlosing them as a friend... even if it kills me inside.And I have to avoid situations where there'll be loud food. Chips?Gum? Hard candy that everyone will INEVITABLY chomp down on to finish?I'm gone. I feel such horrible anxiety and worry when I even LOOK atthose foods in the presence of other people, because I don't want tomake them think I'm a bitch, or a horrible person, or way too sensitive.And above all else I don't want to make them uncomfortable around me--I've already ruined that with my family.My hearing is totally normal. Not sensitive to loud noises, just thoselittle tiny noises that are repetitive, or related to eating or thehuman face in general. I'm slowly learning to deal with it all. It'shard, but it helps to know there really are others who feel the same way.---It's really nice to meet you all.

[Guest guest]

Russel, thanks for the well wishes. It's somewhat comforting to know

that so many of us felt this thing first at the family dinner table. I

keep wondering if it's just be a coincidence, or something more.

Talking with a full mouth... gah. I feel your pain!

Pia, I'm sorry it's been such a stressful time for you. I'm pulling

for you and hoping things start looking up soon. I just wish people

could be more understanding of something we have no control over

whatsoever!

Wolfu-chan... you're right, that noise isn't tiny at all to me. It's

like it's blaring through a loudspeaker any time someone parts their

lips and it makes.. THAT NOISE. I guess it IS a form of lip-smacking,

only one that nobody else ever notices or thinks is wrong!

Darlene, those are my exact thoughts about the way my dad eats. I love

the guy, but somehow he's just one of the 'bad' eaters. And I think we

are a little more sensitive than others, probably from having to learn

early that trying to stop the source of our problems is 'rude' and

'mean.' Having that drilled into you has to have some kind of effect.

Nice to meet you too.

Kathy, I'm sure it's hard to tell now, but your daughter MUST be

thankful to have parents as thoughtful and understanding as you. If

she doesn't now, she'll realize eventually how lucky she is to have

you. My mother has actually been the most supportive in this, even if

she doesn't understand it, and tries hard not to bother me. The

lip-picking habit has become the

lip-picking-then-noticing-your-daughter-glaring-then-stopping-until-you-forget-a\

nd-do-it-again-rinse-and-repeat

habit, which at least shows she's really trying. Thank you for your

offer, though, I'll keep it in mind.

Turning on the TV, music, a fan, is really the best thing you can do

for her. Anything to mask the sound. And allowing her to leave the

table is a good sign of trust and support. She's still quite young,

though, and probably has some ways to go in understanding that she has

no control over it, and it's not anybody's fault. She does seem like a

sensitive girl, but your support will be all-important for her in the

next few years of her life.

Thanks for the welcome, everyone. It's an incredible feeling to talk

to people who understand!