They can't make it without you!

[Guest guest]

Young children on the spectrum are often so confused and disorganized. They run

around

haphazardly, bouncing from one thing to another, looking for direction and

boundaries;

seeking a path through the chaos. They resist direction and guidance, and are

driven to

control everything around them. This is their only means of coping with the

confusion, in

a world they cannot understand.

As a psychologist and autism specialist, parents frequently ask me, " What can I

do? How

can I guide my child? " In the frustration of having their children reject their

guidance, they

often revert to pacifying the child in order to keep some degree of peace in the

home; to

avoid the world of meltdowns, aggression and destructive behavior.

My answer is often the same. Children on the spectrum cannot find their own

way. They

are lost in a sea of confusion and so desperately need a path to lead their way.

They don't

know how to use the guidance of another, or trust a helping hand. They have

not formed

the attachment that naturally guides them to follow their parent's lead. It is

this lack of

using the parent as a " trusted guide " that leaves them with no buffer to the

scary and

often overwhelming world. Without the parents guidance there are no boundaries

to

structure and make sense of their world.

The focus for parents should be to put aside all the destructive, confusing

behavior for a

minute, and work on becoming a " trusted guide " with their child. Teach the

child to " share

experiences " with you and to " follow your lead " in doing things. To do this

you may need

to create a room that is devoid of anything in it but you. A room where you can

lock the

door behind you and create a world of just YOU and your child. Attempt to

engage in

simple interactive play, where you are the only element to attend to. Simply

hang with

your child and do simple games like " patty cake " , " peek-a-boo " , bouncing on the

knee,

" I'm going to getcha " , etc.

The child may resist at first, but hang in there. You can sit quietly and wait

him out, or

playfully intrude in his solitude. If he throws a fit and fights you, simply

tell him " I

understand you are upset. That's ok, we can wait foryou calm down to do it. "

At first keep

the interaction simple and brief, as to maximize success, but hang in their

until the child

complies with you for a brief period of interaction. This may take a couple of

hours at

first. If you totally ignore all negative behavior and turn you attention " on "

to all

cooperative interaction, the child will eventually respond. Then from there the

child will

eventually learn to engage in interactive play with you and to follow your lead

in simple

activity. You will also establish a bond that will lead you to be a " trusted

guide " for your

child. Of course it is not easy to do, and requires hours of patience, ignoring

resistance,

and selectively focusing on attending to cooperative behavior, but the effect is

worth the

effort.

It is not always easy to create a room, devoid of everything, to engage your

child.

However, it is a must for many of these children. It is often the only space

that you can

completely ignore their behavior and be safe. When you are the only element in

their

world, they will eventually engage with you. The secret is not attending to the

negative

behavior (no talking, no looking, no reacting) and selective attention of any

and all

cooperative behavior. The other secret is taking the lead in the activity, to

teach your child

that following your lead is rewarding and trusting.

This engagement can gradually be shaped into most any activity during the day;

where the

child is following your lead and engaging in reciprocal interaction with you.

Engaging in

what I call " We-do " activities. At this point is when a child becomes an

apprentice to you

and learns and grows from following your lead and sharing experiences with you.

Take the time and become a trusted coach. I don't want to make this sound easy,

because

it is very difficult. Parents are often scared when they start off, but become

very skillful as

they go along. It is not about what you are doing, but narrowing your child's

world done

to just him and you. Try this a couple times a day, until your child is engaged

in simple

interactive play for 20 minutes at a time.

Good luck,

Bill