Letting it out.

[Guest guest]

I haven't been on in awhile. I had to take a break; it all got pretty

overwhelming. Now I know. I know how horrible it is, how forever it

is, and I feel hopeless. Completely.

And now, I have a new trigger. My two year-old daughter. And I'm

pregnant with my sencond child. Who I imagine will also suck her

thumb. How on Earth can this happen?

I've been sobbing for a week. I've been holding it in, holding it in.

Because I HAVE to control it. She's my daughter. For God's sake,

she's my daughter.

I feel so ashamed. I am so sad. I am so angry at whatever the Hell

this is. I would do ANYTHING to make it go away. Dear God, take it

away.

I need to develop a pretty solid coping mechanism. The daddy of all

mechanisms, because I can't let it out with her. She doesn't get it,

and I certainly don't ever want her to. I've got at least 4 more

years of this, and I HAVE to cope.

Seems like lately I haven't been coping at all. I've been making

everyone else cope with me. That's probably not good.

The dog is either in the backyard, in the bedroom, or on the couch if

I'm in bed. She eats outside now. And basically we are completely

separated at all times.

Everyone else has to eat at the dinner table but not me.

The fan is always on.

I go to bed at the same time as my daughter. That way Jeff can work

on the computer or whatever. And I wake up at 4:00 to get my work

done in the controlled quiet of our house.

I wear an earplug in one of my classes.

My iPod is NEVER out of reach.

Now it's time for something new. Something for cuddle time. And

something for in the car, which involves long and involved

conversations about trains and school buses and whatnot. (In other

words, I still need to be able to communicate with her.)

I've been trying to tell myself that with enough preserverence and

dedication, I can let this one go. I can overcome it. That there is

some way to just not let it turn into what it is. To stop the process

of degeneration to complete rage at the sight of her, which is what

happened with the dog.

Like I need to breath it out. Purge it from my system. And embrace

the sound as nothing more than the sounds of my daughter comforting

herself in the most natural way possible. To see it as sweet and

lovely, like when she first did it, as a baby.

Please God, help me.