a moms thoughts

[Guest guest]

I am having so many thoughts,cant sleep about to do-or not to do for

my son. He is being commited into a pyschiatric ward. It got beyond

my biggest fear. I know it reached that safety level for him and my

family,others,me. Medical people tell me I have done everything

" right " I could have done. Yet the question haunts me " did I? " My son

is only 10. He is 1 Of 8 children, the only one of mine who has to go

through this...ward,he is so young. He will stay there for now. I

have a million questions and what ifs racing through my mind. Top of

my list is " HOW " did it ever get this bad. Today he broke,kicked,hit

and bit family and things at home agin. Home where your safe from all

the world with those who love you. He bangs his head,puts things in

his mouth,eyes,ears. He hyper-ventilated in anger and fainted agin. I

cant lift him because he weights 130lbs now. I hide food in my

bedroom because he cant stop eating to much and he will get angry if

he cant have it all. He wails,sobs and cries like an un-consolable

2yr old. He swears and repeats words,spits,he echos. He has trouble

using the bathroom,riding in the car and riding his bike. I tie his

shoes,tell him stories and watch him like a hawk. Everyday I try to

learn his ways so we can communicate. He laughs and plays a little

with the same toy figures over and over agin. Is he happy? I hope he

is happy. I never really know. No one touch or move one of his toy

guys cause he will know it and flip out. He keeps them safe in a worn

out box. Our neighbors,his school mates,teachers,daycare and bus

drivers have all had too much of dealing with his behavior. His

principle said " I'm gonna rock his little world " and kicked him out

of school. Did she really think he had control of his " little world " .

His doctors stand ready to try yet another pill,therapy or test. Its

a brain abnormality,we dont know all there is to know about the

brain. This is odd but typical. The police think he is " not

listening " while they crush his hopes,or mine with " sorry buddy,no

more playing in the neighborhood,parents dont want you around their

kids-you cant leave your yard " He still dont know why. " I am

angry,mad,sad " I swear they are all wrong,didnt give him a fair

chance,they who dare to tease,judge and bully. They dont know him!

Not like I have known him. No matter what they think about him, he is

still precious to me. I comb the books looking for anything I missed

about " how to deal " , " how to change " or " how to help " Who is to

blame? What kind of virus is used to induce autism in animals,how

long have they known that,if they can make it why cant they cure it.

Why couldnt those rotten expermenting jerks leave well enough alone.

Good is good,why mess with it. Like a rap song I hear

pdd,asd,adhd,odd,ocd, play out in my head and that " little professor "

thing makes me want to scream.....BS..LIARS. Why did I cling to that

hope,idea nonsense. Why,why why......why be mad son? I am your

friend, your mom....stranger. You may never know it in my words,but I

care.

Turning in circles,

Tishanne