Re: sibling impact

[Guest guest]

Tishanne,

It is very difficult for small children to see past the concrete problems that

your son presents for them. It is very natural for them to feel comforted by

the immediate relief of not having their brother around. I can imagine it hurts

to see this, but young children do not have the capacity to see it otherwise.

The conflict of placing your son in a hospital is very emotional. You love your

child dearly, and struggle with the thought of taking him away. If you knew for

sure he would be getting the help he needs, and improvement would occur, it

would be easier to face. However, and rightly so, you are scared that this may

be a damaging experience for your son.

Providing support for children with emotional challenges is a difficult

struggle. Often times the professionals do not adequately understand the needs

of your child, and how best to meet these needs. I have experienced many

families who go through the struggles you are experiencing now. I feel the best

approach for you right now, is to become your child's best advocate. You need

to pull together local supports (respite staff, community mental health

assistance, school assistance, etc.) to make it successful when your child

leaves the hospital. You have to do an analysis of what deficits lead up the

hospitalization, and what supports will be needed to avoid this in the future.

Your son will not get better in the hospital. I see hospitalization as a break

from the situation until adequate supports can be identified and put into place

to make home living successful. These include:

1) Respite staff that come into the home and help give you a break. This gives

you time to attend to your other child's needs, as well as your own.

2) A team of professionals (psychologist or behavior specialist, occupational

therapist, nurse, case manager, etc.), from your local mental health agency,

that will work with both your son and your family to adequately address your

son's problems and family issues.

3) An emergency plan that keeps people safe when your son is struggling. Such

a plan should include early intervention, with quick reaction from the team

members to get the assistance needed in the local community, rather then

hospitalization. Many hospitalizations can be avoided with good planning and

quick responding. This is not just your responsibility.

4) You son should have a well designed treatment plan that focuses on his

strengths, rather then his weaknesses. This helps your son feel " safe,

accepted, and competent " ; that others are a working partner with him, rather

then people trying to control him. By building on his strengths, while

compensating for his deficits, your son will feel more accepted and competent.

With each change the support staff recommended, always ask " How with this help

my son feel safe, accepted, and competent? " This is good criterion for

measuring if the recommendation is right for your child.

5) Do not take a back sit to the professionals. You are the driver of your

son's plan. You are the expert for your son. Use your " gut instinct " , based on

the above " safe, accepted, and competent " criterion " , to make your decisions.

6) Your school district is responsible for providing a variety of services,

even to the extend of providing in home teaching if they cannot keep him safe at

school. Don't let the school district back off from this responsibility. They

will often fight this, but are responsible. Seek out a local autism advocate to

help you in all this. Most school districts have an autism consultant, or local

communities have " autism advocates " to help.

7) Make sure you get to know your state's " Protection and Advocacy " department.

They can step in and assist if you are not getting the services you need from

the mental health agency or school district. They can also step in if things

are not going will in the hospital.

8) Look for developing greater natural supports so you are not going it alone.

Look at other relatives/family members, friends and neighbors, church, local

support groups, school personal, etc. Build a network of support to help you

help your child.

9) Finally, make sure you use these supports to give yourself breaks to attend

to your own needs, and give your other children the time they need. But DO NOT

forget giving yourself some time. You have to keep yourself strong in order to

meet the needs of your child.

10) Lastly, although you will have times of doubt, do not question your love and

devotion you have for your child. There are times when hospitalization may be

needed. He still loves you, and you are still the GREATEST MOTHER ON EARTH.

Remember that and always trust your gut instinct.

Most of all, keep a vision of your child improving. He can and he will if the

focus is helping him feel " safe, accepted, and competent. " With the right

supports, he will grow. Unfortunately, people tend to focus on the negative,

and things slid from there.

If you haven't yet seen my handout " fragile world on the spectrum " , email me

directly and I will attach and send it back. It provides a group of areas that

need attention, and ideas for addressing these issues.

Good luck, and always see the positive. It is there, you just have to look hard

for it!

Bill Nason

>

> Subject: sibling impact

> To: AutismBehaviorProblems

> Date: Sunday, September 14, 2008, 6:40 AM

> Hi,how do your children reconcile with their aggressive

> sibling? What

> kind of relationship do they have? My daughter did not want

> to visit

> her brother at his hospital program. She is 10 and stated

> " visiting

> him is a hard question " . She opted not to. Since he

> has been

> hospitalized she has gone from concern and defending him to

>

> distancing. For 6 days before my son was hospitalized my

> children had

> to use their safety plan. My son became very aggressive and

>

> hit,kicked and bit. All of my family experienced some

> degree of

> physical pain and witnessed some. My daughter has been

> given gifts

> and had attention from the school and from friends for

> being a victim

> of my sons aggression. She has been told alot of negative

> things as

> well in regards to her brother. Her friend was allowed to

> play at our

> house and picnic with her. It was the first time in a long

> time. Not

> once have the people supporting her voiced any care or

> concern for my

> son. Just insulting questions,half truths and rumors have

> been going

> around. My other children have made dual comments also.

> They have

> voiced concern and relief during this time. They are

> enjoying the

> break from my son. I feel some relief also but as his mom

> this is

> tearing me up inside. I dont believe my son is feeling

> relief. He did

> not act out in aggression because he had control,gain

> issues or

> results in mind. Everyone interacting with my children look

> past my

> sons struggle with autism,medications ect. right to

> domestic

> violence. They are giving sympathy and support to my

> children for

> being victims of domestic violence. This is driving me

> insane. Am I

> missing something here or having denial?

> Tishanne

[Guest guest]

Tishanne,

I am so very sorry for the earlier post. After reading some of the other

earlier posts (which I should have done first...lol) I realize this is old stuff

for you, and you already have your bases covered. Sorry, maybe this information

will be of help for new families going through the struggles of hospitalization.

Bill

>

> > From: tishannepatterson

>

> > Subject: sibling impact

> > To: AutismBehaviorProblems

> > Date: Sunday, September 14, 2008, 6:40 AM

> > Hi,how do your children reconcile with their

> aggressive

> > sibling? What

> > kind of relationship do they have? My daughter did not

> want

> > to visit

> > her brother at his hospital program. She is 10 and

> stated

> > " visiting

> > him is a hard question " . She opted not to. Since

> he

> > has been

> > hospitalized she has gone from concern and defending

> him to

> >

> > distancing. For 6 days before my son was hospitalized

> my

> > children had

> > to use their safety plan. My son became very

> aggressive and

> >

> > hit,kicked and bit. All of my family experienced some

> > degree of

> > physical pain and witnessed some. My daughter has been

> > given gifts

> > and had attention from the school and from friends for

> > being a victim

> > of my sons aggression. She has been told alot of

> negative

> > things as

> > well in regards to her brother. Her friend was allowed

> to

> > play at our

> > house and picnic with her. It was the first time in a

> long

> > time. Not

> > once have the people supporting her voiced any care or

> > concern for my

> > son. Just insulting questions,half truths and rumors

> have

> > been going

> > around. My other children have made dual comments

> also.

> > They have

> > voiced concern and relief during this time. They are

> > enjoying the

> > break from my son. I feel some relief also but as his

> mom

> > this is

> > tearing me up inside. I dont believe my son is feeling

> > relief. He did

> > not act out in aggression because he had control,gain

> > issues or

> > results in mind. Everyone interacting with my children

> look

> > past my

> > sons struggle with autism,medications ect. right to

> > domestic

> > violence. They are giving sympathy and support to my

> > children for

> > being victims of domestic violence. This is driving me

> > insane. Am I

> > missing something here or having denial?

> > Tishanne

[Guest guest]

Hi Bill,thanks so much for sharing your knowledge. One living with

the effects of autism could surely never cover their bases as there

are far more bases being brought in,lol than home plates. I really do

need a bigger team. I am looking for a win win situation for my son

once he is home to build upon the good things he is accomplishing

while hospitalized. I dont want to loose any ground. I am also

eliminating some of the negatives,situations that I could not change.

So much of my energy has gone in fighting school,community. Some

families filed restraining orders. That in itself has potential to

keep the trouble feeding. We live in a small community. We are nearly

30 miles from the next small city. I took the proper steps,had an

iep, advocate,civil rights ect. and still could not change things for

my sons benefit. Everything that has occured served some purpose in

increasing my awareness. Thats the good part. One of my sons biggest

meltdown points was the fact he was being isolated. He never realized

his part in the action/outcome. I had to be the enforcer when I am

very optimistic and practice diplomacy. He could not identify his

part or behavior with the needs of the neighborhood,church or school.

I was the one saying " no,you cant play with.. " or " no,you cant go

to.. " It pushed him over the edge. He sees me as the reason,cause

ect. of his lonely times,isolation. His siblings could still play

with other kids and be invited places. He lost his comfort zone with

me and acted out against me. Our family tried to help me and became

his targets. He kept telling me " I want to hang out " " I want to go

play " . There was nothing I could do. He had a comfort zone and had

always played with,actually just observed theese kids. His rituals

from stress-social stress began bothering the parents who didnt want

their children to copy or learn his strange behaviors. The kids began

teasing,the parents started sending him home. It got worse from there.

I sent a letter to the parents in regards to my son,autism and his

behaviors. I asked if they would share something about autism in

conversations with their own children and contact me anytime for

anything concerning my son. They opted for police,restraining orders

ect. I personally believe they really think their children would

catch or copy autism traits. My son is actually doing very good in

the hospital. Being and playing with other children on the ward has

been his best needed experience. I went to visit him. I was using up

his play time and he got very angry. He has no idea I drove 4hrs,lol.

He was happy to see me for 25 minutes. Thats ok with me. I am very

happy for him to have some peers and in some ways a vacation/camp. We

still laughed,loved and covered the bases in 25 minutes.

I would love to have your presentations.

Thanks agin,

Tishanne

> >

> > > From: tishannepatterson

> >

> > > Subject: sibling impact

> > > To: AutismBehaviorProblems

> > > Date: Sunday, September 14, 2008, 6:40 AM

> > > Hi,how do your children reconcile with their

> > aggressive

> > > sibling? What

> > > kind of relationship do they have? My daughter did not

> > want

> > > to visit

> > > her brother at his hospital program. She is 10 and

> > stated

> > > " visiting

> > > him is a hard question " . She opted not to. Since

> > he

> > > has been

> > > hospitalized she has gone from concern and defending

> > him to

> > >

> > > distancing. For 6 days before my son was hospitalized

> > my

> > > children had

> > > to use their safety plan. My son became very

> > aggressive and

> > >

> > > hit,kicked and bit. All of my family experienced some

> > > degree of

> > > physical pain and witnessed some. My daughter has been

> > > given gifts

> > > and had attention from the school and from friends for

> > > being a victim

> > > of my sons aggression. She has been told alot of

> > negative

> > > things as

> > > well in regards to her brother. Her friend was allowed

> > to

> > > play at our

> > > house and picnic with her. It was the first time in a

> > long

> > > time. Not

> > > once have the people supporting her voiced any care or

> > > concern for my

> > > son. Just insulting questions,half truths and rumors

> > have

> > > been going

> > > around. My other children have made dual comments

> > also.

> > > They have

> > > voiced concern and relief during this time. They are

> > > enjoying the

> > > break from my son. I feel some relief also but as his

> > mom

> > > this is

> > > tearing me up inside. I dont believe my son is feeling

> > > relief. He did

> > > not act out in aggression because he had control,gain

> > > issues or

> > > results in mind. Everyone interacting with my children

> > look

> > > past my

> > > sons struggle with autism,medications ect. right to

> > > domestic

> > > violence. They are giving sympathy and support to my

> > > children for

> > > being victims of domestic violence. This is driving me

> > > insane. Am I

> > > missing something here or having denial?

> > > Tishanne

>