Re: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?

[Guest guest]

I know autistic children cause a lot of stress in a marriage. I think the divorce rate is 80 % or something. My husband had a really hard time taking my son anywhere when he was throwing tantrums.

My husband used to drink A LOT in High school. His parents are also getting a divorce and I am quite sure that if it was not against our religion he would start drinking again with all the stress. I am very grateful or it would make a very difficult marriage.

I would recommend seeing if he would go to counseling or to AAA or something. He is obviously upset about the divorce and the autism he needs to talk to someone.

It is also important to continue to date. That means going out of the house somewhere. Even if it means a babysitter. My husband and I date once a week. Nothing is ever scheduled on friday night.It helps us realize that nobody is more important then each other in a marriage.

Just a suggestion that you might want to take him to the movie the Christmas sweater ( glenn beck) it is about his recovery from drinking, divorce and I believe having a daughter that has down's syndrome.

Subject: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?To: AutismBehaviorProblems Date: Monday, December 1, 2008, 1:53 PM

Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in or marriage. He started not wanting to take us places. He didn't want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't understand. Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started drinking. Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got really bad. He went like on this drinking beng. Know he drinks every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the meals, clean, go to the store. I have been scared of him too like I don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't care about the drinking anymore. Cause he is nice he is a different person. I'm not saying that I used to

drink and made mistakes but do the best I can. When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped becuase I thought I can't do this. My kids need someone that can be the best mom that they can be. But I mean we have totally lost touch with each other. We fight not talk about anything. We leave each other alone and don't do anythning together. We take once a month and sit down and watch a show. Then just a couple of days a go I asked him what are we going to do. He said I really don't care anymore. So what does mean? Do I just need to tell him after the holidays we need a break and one of us move out. Or should I just keep taking this and try to be happy. I dont' know what to do at this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.

[Guest guest]

Lindy,

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. I know everyone reacts to the news of Autism in very different ways. Would your husband be open to individual or couples counseling? My husband and I have both gone through times when we needed individual counseling to help us figure out how to deal with our lives. I think all marriages go through periods of closeness and emotional distance. The drinking and the pushing are unacceptable. He needs to find another way to deal with everything that is going on without lashing out at you or hiding in a bottle. I hope you can work this out with him and he will get help. If not - know you have the strength to build a good life for yourself and your children. You and your family are in my prayers. Kellie

Subject: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?To: AutismBehaviorProblems Date: Monday, December 1, 2008, 6:53 PM

Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in or marriage. He started not wanting to take us places. He didn't want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't understand. Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started drinking. Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got really bad. He went like on this drinking beng. Know he drinks every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the meals, clean, go to the store. I have been scared of him too like I don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't care about the drinking anymore. Cause he is nice he is a different person. I'm not saying that I used to

drink and made mistakes but do the best I can. When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped becuase I thought I can't do this. My kids need someone that can be the best mom that they can be. But I mean we have totally lost touch with each other. We fight not talk about anything. We leave each other alone and don't do anythning together. We take once a month and sit down and watch a show. Then just a couple of days a go I asked him what are we going to do. He said I really don't care anymore. So what does mean? Do I just need to tell him after the holidays we need a break and one of us move out. Or should I just keep taking this and try to be happy. I dont' know what to do at this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.

[Guest guest]

((((((((((Lindy & children))))))))))

Please be very careful in how you bring subjects up. If there is a

domestic violence support agency in your area I would contact them

while he is out of the house, and get whatever tips that you can from

them.

My son and I are survivors of domestic violence. After his father

threatened to kill me, I took it seriously, made the contacts with an

agency, made my plans, and with the police departments help, we got

away.

Was it easy? Not by a long shot, but we are much safer now.

We also only do supervised visits when his father can be bothered to

visit.

If you need anything else, please feel free to e-mail me privately.

HTH

>

> Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in

or marriage.  He started not wanting to take us places.  He didn't

want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't

understand.  Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started

drinking.  Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got

really bad.  He went like on this drinking beng.  Know he drinks

every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to

get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the

meals, clean, go to the store.  I have been scared of him too like I

don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really

made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago

while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't

care about the drinking anymore.  Cause he is nice he is a different

person. I'm not saying that I used to drink and made mistakes but do

the best I can. 

> When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped

becuase I thought I can't do this.  My kids need someone that can be

the best mom that they can be.   But  I mean we have totally lost

touch with each other.  We fight not talk about anything.  We leave

each other alone and don't do anythning together.  We take once a

month and sit down and watch a show.  Then just a couple of days a go

I asked him what are we going to do.  He said I really don't care

anymore.  So what does mean?  Do I just need to tell him after the

holidays we need a break and one of us move out.  Or should I just

keep taking this and try to be happy.  I dont' know what to do at

this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lindy,I agree with that counseling is great if he will go with you. The Employee Assistance offered by his or your work may cover up to six counseling sessions. If he won't go, there is a very good book called You Don't Have to

Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One (Hardcover)by  Stosny (Author) . The title sounds like it is a "just leave the guy" book, but that is far from the case.  It is written

by a Christian preacher whose mom and dad had a similar relationship. If you feel you are "walking on eggshells" around him then that means he is irritable and he isn't happy either. It has a workbook type of section inside of

it for your husband so that he can learn to develop compassion. Compassion is a key to happiness for him as well as you and the little ones. Because the title says "You Don't Have to Take it Anymore" in it, you should not flaunt the book to him until you've read it first. If you feel that seeing the book would cause him to get angry then maybe you shouldn't show it to him. Either way, it is helpful for a woman because it helps to bring forward the main question, which is "Can he change?" If he can change, then this book can help! Be well, To: AutismBehaviorProblems Sent: Monday, December 1, 2008 2:03:05 PMSubject: Re: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?

Lindy,

  I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.  I know everyone reacts to the news of Autism in very different ways.  Would your husband be open to individual or couples counseling?  My husband and I have both gone through times when we needed individual counseling to help us figure out how to deal with our lives.  I think all marriages go through periods of closeness and emotional distance.  The drinking and the pushing are unacceptable.  He needs to find another way to deal with everything that is going on without lashing out at you or hiding in a bottle.  I hope you can work this out with him and he will get help.  If not - know you have the strength to build a good life for yourself and your children.  You and your family are in my prayers.  Kellie

From: Lindy <sun_flower_1587@ yahoo.com>Subject: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Monday, December 1, 2008, 6:53 PM

Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in or marriage.  He started not wanting to take us places.  He didn't want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't understand.  Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started drinking.  Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got really bad.  He went like on this drinking beng.  Know he drinks every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the meals, clean, go to the store.  I have been scared of him too like I don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't care about the drinking anymore.  Cause he is nice he is a different person. I'm not saying that I used to

drink and made mistakes but do the best I can.  When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped becuase I thought I can't do this.  My kids need someone that can be the best mom that they can be.   But  I mean we have totally lost touch with each other.  We fight not talk about anything.  We leave each other alone and don't do anythning together.  We take once a month and sit down and watch a show.  Then just a couple of days a go I asked him what are we going to do.  He said I really don't care anymore.  So what does mean?  Do I just need to tell him after the holidays we need a break and one of us move out.  Or should I just keep taking this and try to be happy.  I dont' know what to do at this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.

[Guest guest]

Ya, I had told him that we could go to counceling but he said we didn't need it. The books might help some but if he isn't willing to read it then what should I do?

From: Lindy <sun_flower_1587@ yahoo.com>Subject: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Monday, December 1, 2008, 6:53 PM

Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in or marriage. He started not wanting to take us places. He didn't want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't understand. Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started drinking. Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got really bad. He went like on this drinking beng. Know he drinks every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the meals, clean, go to the store. I have been scared of him too like I don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't care about the drinking anymore. Cause he is nice he is a different person. I'm not saying that I used to

drink and made mistakes but do the best I can. When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped becuase I thought I can't do this. My kids need someone that can be the best mom that they can be. But I mean we have totally lost touch with each other. We fight not talk about anything. We leave each other alone and don't do anythning together. We take once a month and sit down and watch a show. Then just a couple of days a go I asked him what are we going to do. He said I really don't care anymore. So what does mean? Do I just need to tell him after the holidays we need a break and one of us move out. Or should I just keep taking this and try to be happy. I dont' know what to do at this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.

[Guest guest]

What would probably happen is that if you actually did leave him, THEN he would say he wants to go to counseling. So it's great to do some reading/ counseling on your own so that you have communication skills and knowledge to work with. If you want to, you can go to the "Psychology" section of a bookstore (a big one with a lot to choose from)and do a little free browsing to see if anything fits. I know it's easier said than done if your kids are with you, lol! To: AutismBehaviorProblems Sent: Tuesday, December 2, 2008 7:57:05 AMSubject: Re: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?

Ya, I had told him that we could go to counceling but he said we didn't need it.  The books might help some but if he isn't willing to read it then what should I do?

From: Lindy <sun_flower_1587@ yahoo.com>Subject: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Monday, December 1, 2008, 6:53 PM

Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in or marriage.  He started not wanting to take us places.  He didn't want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't understand.  Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started drinking.  Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got really bad.  He went like on this drinking beng.  Know he drinks every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the meals, clean, go to the store.  I have been scared of him too like I don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't care about the drinking anymore.  Cause he is nice he is a different person. I'm not saying that I used to

drink and made mistakes but do the best I can.  When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped becuase I thought I can't do this.  My kids need someone that can be the best mom that they can be.   But  I mean we have totally lost touch with each other.  We fight not talk about anything.  We leave each other alone and don't do anythning together.  We take once a month and sit down and watch a show.  Then just a couple of days a go I asked him what are we going to do.  He said I really don't care anymore.  So what does mean?  Do I just need to tell him after the holidays we need a break and one of us move out.  Or should I just keep taking this and try to be happy.  I dont' know what to do at this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to think every one for the great advice I hope that i can read this books and feel better about what i'm going through. If not I want to whats best for my kids and me.

From: Lindy <sun_flower_1587@ yahoo.com>Subject: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Monday, December 1, 2008, 6:53 PM

Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in or marriage. He started not wanting to take us places. He didn't want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't understand. Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started drinking. Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got really bad. He went like on this drinking beng. Know he drinks every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the meals, clean, go to the store. I have been scared of him too like I don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't care about the drinking anymore. Cause he is nice he is a different person. I'm not saying that I used to

drink and made mistakes but do the best I can. When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped becuase I thought I can't do this. My kids need someone that can be the best mom that they can be. But I mean we have totally lost touch with each other. We fight not talk about anything. We leave each other alone and don't do anythning together. We take once a month and sit down and watch a show. Then just a couple of days a go I asked him what are we going to do. He said I really don't care anymore. So what does mean? Do I just need to tell him after the holidays we need a break and one of us move out. Or should I just keep taking this and try to be happy. I dont' know what to do at this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.

[Guest guest]

For all eternity - by L Lund. It is a great book or on CD. This gives you great advice on marriage and how to handle difficult situations. It is church related but he is a marriage couselor and offers some great advice.

For example if someone in your relationship is a costic person ( always negetive degrades everything you do ) he said that you can not change him or her, and usually depending on who they are, you can not exclude them from your life be it a mother in law, husband, child etc.

Dr. Lund said never to internalize it just think oh there he goes again being costic. He told one women that everytime that her husband said something negetive to her to act like an old cash register in her head and go cha ching and give herself a dollar everytime that he said something negetive. Two weeks later she called Dr. lund and said she just bought a $90.00 pair of shoes !!! She had turned that negetive comments into something that she actually looked forward to and never internalized it.

Anyway the book or Book on tape is great and helps you communicate better and have a better marriage even if it is one sided for the moment.

One of the biggest things I took away from the CD's is that all anger comes from unmet expectations. We set up expectations in our mind of what our spouse, children, teachers etc should do. When those expectations are not meet we are angry at them, when in fact it was our own expectations maybe that not theirs For example, you where upset that your husband forgot mothers day. It was your expectation that he would get you something, You where upset that your expectations where not meet. I am not saying that he should not of got you a mothers day present but it is not really him that you are mad at you are mad at the unmet expectation.

From: Lindy <sun_flower_1587@ yahoo.com>Subject: Offsubject, was wondering if anyone is having problems in there marriage?To: AutismBehaviorProbl emsyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Monday, December 1, 2008, 6:53 PM

Ever since we found out about the autism it has been different in or marriage. He started not wanting to take us places. He didn't want me to take him out in public because he people wouldn't understand. Then I got prg with my baby girl and he started drinking. Last year his parents got a divorced and thats when it got really bad. He went like on this drinking beng. Know he drinks every day he is off like a 12 pack a day or after he runs out goes to get a 6 pack. I am a stay at home mom and do everything I cook the meals, clean, go to the store. I have been scared of him too like I don't what he will do to me if he gets mad. Last time he got really made he shuved me in to our frig. He threaten to hit me 3 months ago while in the car on the way to the doctor. Whats wierd though i don't care about the drinking anymore. Cause he is nice he is a different person. I'm not saying that I used to

drink and made mistakes but do the best I can. When I saw how bad it was getting with his drinking I stopped becuase I thought I can't do this. My kids need someone that can be the best mom that they can be. But I mean we have totally lost touch with each other. We fight not talk about anything. We leave each other alone and don't do anythning together. We take once a month and sit down and watch a show. Then just a couple of days a go I asked him what are we going to do. He said I really don't care anymore. So what does mean? Do I just need to tell him after the holidays we need a break and one of us move out. Or should I just keep taking this and try to be happy. I dont' know what to do at this point because i'm so scared to what ever I need to do.