Wheelchairs don't stand in the way of the search for love

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http://www.miamiherald.com/tropical_life/story/228701.html

Wheelchairs don't stand in the way of the search for love

BY JILL BAUER

When Matt McManus talks about his dating life the conversation shifts into

overdrive as he discusses a topic close to most men's hearts: sports cars.

But unlike the multitude of cars zipping around South Florida, McManus's BMW

coupe and Porsche are retrofitted to accommodate his disability, a spinal

cord injury he sustained during a botched surgery when he was 8.

''I share a Porsche with a buddy of mine who's also in a wheelchair,'' said

McManus, a 34-year-old attorney and financial planner who lives in Coconut

Creek. McManus says people often think using a wheelchair precludes him from

doing many things, including playing tennis, dating and driving a cool car.

'People always say, `Oh, you must have a van.' Why would I have a van? Vans

aren't sexy,'' said McManus, a paraplegic.

The choice of car is just one of the many concerns that disabled daters

share with their able-bodied peers. While wheelchairs provide some special

challenges, they certainly don't stand in the way of the search for true

love.

Many daters with physical disabilities say the most common question they get

asked is, ``Can you have sex?''

''It's the first thing they're interested in,'' said Cohen, 29,

owner of a media relations company who has been using a wheelchair since

1992.

'If an able-bodied woman walked into a bar and a guy asked, `Can you feel

me?' that would be, like, forget it. But I'm used to it by now. I usually

say, 'Yeah, but I'm temporarily out of order.' ''

Posada, who has cerebral palsy, has a slightly different take.

'There's a Catch-22 with telling women, `Yes, I can have sex.' If you're not

going to do anything with it, why are you asking?'' said Posada, a

22-year-old sports administration major at the University of Miami.

The romantic domain may be where discrimination against the disabled is most

manifested, said Ora Prilleltensky, who teaches at the Department of

Educational and Psychological Studies at the University of Miami's School of

Education and is the author of the book Motherhood and Disability: Children

and Choices.

''Most people are willing to accept someone as a friend or co-worker but not

as much as a partner,'' said Prilleltensky, who has a form of muscular

dystrophy and uses a power wheelchair. ``We are bombarded with images about

what's an ideal female or male body and it's unattainable for most people

and even less so for people with physical disabilities.''

The disabled are the country's largest minority: 51 million, or 18 percent

of all Americans. About 32 million suffer from a disability classified as

severe.

Many people with physical disabilities say the public's perception of their

disabilities and their own body image has a lot to do with how they function

in the social arena.

''In my 20s I was so nervous about sex. The Arthritis Foundation had this

brochure called Living and Loving with all these positions. At the beginning

I was shy and I never looked in a full-length mirror,'' said Baer,

43, who contracted childhood rheumatoid arthritis when she was 3 and in a

recent Glamour magazine essay contest described herself as having ``a

crooked body, short arms, tiny, distorted fingers, skinny legs and scars on

my feet, wrists and hips (battle wounds from going under the knife).''

At a recent HurryDate event on South Beach, Baer met nine men for five

minutes apiece.

''The first guy said my eyes were amazing,'' said Baer, a clinical social

worker. ``I'm open-minded. It's just timing and readiness. I could've been

married by now but I refuse to settle.''

According to a study by the Center for Research on Women with Disabilities,

87 percent of women with disabilities had had at least one serious romantic

relationship. At the time of the study, 52 percent were involved in a

serious relationship, in contrast with 64 percent of the women without

disabilities.

Fisher, 33, who works as a clinical studies coordinator at The Miami

Project to Cure Paralysis, agrees that body image often delays

relationships. ''I think when you have an injury when you're young it often

affects everything in your life,'' said Fisher, a paraplegic who was in a

car accident when she was 18. ``It's like going through puberty all over

again because your body changes, you have body image issues from your

injury. You learn how to get back out there and socialize and it's hard

because people stare at you.''

It's important for parents to communicate to disabled young people that they

should expect to be loved for who they are, Prilleltensky said. ''It's

important to know it's possible to be in a positive, healthy relationship,''

she said.

Prilleltensky is married to UM's Dean of Education, Isaac Prilleltensky, and

they have a 20-year-old son.

''I feel lucky,'' she said. ``I have a wonderful partner. My husband would

do a lot of things I couldn't do. I could never really walk around with my

baby and couldn't physically care for him on my own but it was negotiated.

It's only the first few years that are the most physically taxing. Parenting

is not all about changing diapers and feedings. It's about loving your

children.''

A willingness to be flexible is important in relationships that involve a

person with a disability.

''My relationship with my wife would be totally different if I wasn't

disabled,'' said 40-year-old Alan T. Brown, President of Primetime Public

Relations and Marketing, who has lived half his life as a quadriplegic after

a swimming accident. ``I can't change a diaper, she's always exhausted,

there's always a strain. And everything has to be prearranged. Nothing is

spontaneous. . . . But my wife is not my caregiver. She's Mrs. Brown, she's

not Mrs. RN.''

Many people with disabilities say that these complexities and challenges

have made them stronger, more determined human beings.

''I am certain that getting hurt and being in a chair is the greatest

blessing I could have asked for. I started playing wheelchair tennis when I

was 16 and I've had a chance to travel around the world playing in

tournaments,'' said McManus. ``Plus, tennis is an unbelievable chick magnet.

``The vast majority of women are attracted to intangibles. They're attracted

to humor, confidence, intellect, things you have or don't whether you're in

a chair or not.''