Weird...

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Something really weird has happened in a few posts concerning follow-up calls.

Reading through them, I saw myself back as someone who doesn't care enough or at least not as much as and Anne do, to make follow-up calls a standard issue for days or weeks towards the moms that have consulted me and it's the holistic practitioner or the LLL-leader in the lc that makes that happen. Sorry, but this is too pretentious in my view. It's enough to say that you as a person have decided to do that, for whatever reason, but it's a bridge too far to hang it up on whole professions and set yourself apart as more generous or more caring.

One thing clear: for thirteen years, I have been a VBN-leader (the Dutch equivalent of an LLL-leader) and although it is definitely not part of what we as volunteers within our organisation are supposed to do, I have always done home-visits. That is probably why I decided to become an lc anyway. I, too, encounter moms who were in my groups years and years ago and still let me know how much my help and support meant to them. Great. Wonderful. Good, I could be there. They don't need to constantly applaud me for that, though, because at the end of the day: THEY did the work. If they succeed, it is *not* because of me, but because they were able to apply what I offered, to take and accept what I was willing to give, to learn from the experience I had already made, all of that in the interest of their infants/children. I have been there for so many mothers; some succeeded, others did not, even though I invested the equal amount of time and energy. In the end, however, it was always *their* responsibility, not mine.

We're surely heading the wrong way if we think that it *is* our responsibility to help moms through. That is, as nice as it may seem, *disempowering*!! It is part of Gordon's communication blocks/hindrances, that, among many other actions, include praising, agreeing, comforting, sympathising, consoling, supporting. When I first read those, I thought: "This can't be true. These must be wonderful ways of helping someone!" Maybe the translation is not fully correct; of course, part of these can be very useful, but as Gordon says: the hinderblocks can convey underlying messages with seriously negative consequences for the self-image and self-esteem. Constantly offering support and help sort of says: "I think you cannot deal with this on your own, so let me help you."

In conclusion: we have to find a middle way. When we teach children at a young age that it is fully okay to ask for help if you have a problem with something, then they will, provided they live in a safe environment, where people are willing to actively listen to them and make time to help solve the problem, so: not *solve* the problem, but *help* solve the problem. When children have not learned that in childhood, they can learn it as adolescents or adults, although it may be more difficult then. The fact that so many women get into trouble with breastfeeding in the first place and then don't ask for help at the right time (early on!!) has, in my not so humble opinion, to do with the fact that they did not learn at a young age that asking for help is a sign of strength, instead of a sign of weakness. It's almost without exception, I reckon, that those (men and women alike) who have most difficulty with asking for help (or: allowing interdependency into their social relationships), will get into the deepest trouble. Both my mom and my sister more or less died because of it.

Therefore, I welcome women into my group, my practice, my presence, and encourage them time and again to contact me if they feel the need. I do my utmost to make sure they feel safe and heard with me and to actively listen to them, use I-messages instead of you-messages, use wording that allows for many options instead of saying what is necessary, and then repeat, repeat, repeat that I am there and willing to think possible problems or questions or doubts through with them. After that, it is *my* responsibility to live up to that promise, make time for them on the phone and promptly answer e-mails. And so I do.

Of course, there may be this individual mom that needs more support and you give it. But just like we cannot make a baby breastfeed, we cannot make a mom solve her problems. A child will not learn to ride a bike, as long as we don't let it go and let it find its own balance. Mothers have to find a new balance with their baby, with their partner, with their family. We can offer suggestions, but these stand the biggest chance of being implemented when a mom is open to the idea that she is not in balance yet. It's her own (conscious, not subconscious!!) awareness that counts and that will make the difference. Like with self attachment after birth: very hard sometimes, to just watch and stand by, but necessary nevertheless.

Warmly,

nne Vanderveen, Netherlands