Re: Daily outlook on School and it's Teachers

[Guest guest]

Hi Pam,

Our son was exactly the same, mostly still is. I honestly don't have

much to suggest, but just wanted to let you know I could relate. Two

thoughts, one, he may just need to vent to someone, so just listening

and allowing it. Ours felt the same, was out of step with most kids,

just didn't click with most, but did have a few he connected some with.

He was introverted, didn't talk and bullied for it and didn't know how

to cope with it. It really is hard at these ages, period, and then with

the OCD on top of it... Sometimes all you can do is be supportive.

I know ours would " obsess " over stuff re teachers and kids, even before

official OCD kicked in, and was just worse after. I found reframing

helpful sometimes, but can be tricky, depends if OCD involved too. I

tried saying back to him what I thought I heard him saying, with no

intent to change anything. Ours did sometimes just need to be listened

to, validated. Others times I would ask him to consider where teachers

or kids were coming from when they did certain things, or what he could

do differently.

If it is a matter of the thoughts being O/C based then it's a matter of

just letting them be there, maybe reassuring once and all that. I

would think it could be a bit tricky, because I'm sure the concerns and

situations are probably real, and then the OCD further ampified them.

We found this. Ours would say he has no friends would never have

friends, and that was how he felt and was actually partly true at

least. Can't talk and obsessive thought out of them... Try to

normalize if possible. Again, mostly just allowed.

Ultimately I have to tell you I wish we HAD pulled him out of his

school at that time, it did not serve him well in any regard, probably

contributed to anxiety and ultimately OCD. Sigh...hindsight. We did

opt for a small private school when the OCD kicked in, where he felt

accepted and could function better. Sometimes the regular system just

does not suit, the case for us anyway. Not sure what options you have,

or how bad things are, might be a consideration.

Hope others have more specific suggestions on this for you. Best of

luck with this.

Warmly,

Barb

Canada

Son 17, LD, OCD

[Guest guest]

I was extremely shy in school and had few friends.  My self confidence was

terrible.  I used to decide I hated everyone before they had a chance to hate me

first...as a self defensive type thing.  Do you think that is what is going on

with him? 

 

I assume you have tried getting him involved in all the clubs, sports, and

church group type things. 

 

The only other thing that comes to mind is you find something you and he can do

together w/ other parents and kids, like scouts or a book club where parents and

kids are involved together.

 

Have you talked to his teachers to make sure they do, in fact, like him.  Are

they willing to 'favor' him just a bit so sort of encourage him to like them?

 

Just a few thoughts...

Amy 

 

Subject: Daily outlook on School and it's Teachers

To:

Date: Thursday, November 20, 2008, 10:48 AM

I have a Question for anyone who can relate to this topic. My son is

in 7th grade, has no social life outside of school, and maybe just a

handful of friends at school that he sits down to lunch with. Mostly

everyday he tells me that he wishes he could be in another school, he

can't stand his Teachers or the kids there. Last year he was bullied

and my husband and I came very close to transfering him out and paying

out of district fees. His grades are fine and is able to function

during the school day but is extremely serious when he's there. I

keep telling him that he will meet new people at high-school and

things will get better. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can

turn his thoughts of school into positive.

Thanks

Pam

[Guest guest]

Pam,

Band is a wonderful venue for kids with social issues.  There is such a vast

array of kids involved in band and there is a place for everyone.  It provides

an opportunity to gain a skill, be involved and meet others with similar

interests.  In addition, in high school it can become quite a social outlet.  My

husband is an ex band director and I remember when he was teaching seeing so

many different type of kids, yet in band they all belonged and bonded.

If he is interested in that and is behind, you could always start him on private

lessons.

Just a thought.

From: pamlatz7 <pamlatz7yahoo (DOT) com>

Subject: Daily outlook on School and it's Teachers

To: @ yahoogroups. com

Date: Thursday, November 20, 2008, 10:48 AM

I have a Question for anyone who can relate to this topic. My son is

in 7th grade, has no social life outside of school, and maybe just a

handful of friends at school that he sits down to lunch with. Mostly

everyday he tells me that he wishes he could be in another school, he

can't stand his Teachers or the kids there. Last year he was bullied

and my husband and I came very close to transfering him out and paying

out of district fees. His grades are fine and is able to function

during the school day but is extremely serious when he's there. I

keep telling him that he will meet new people at high-school and

things will get better. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can

turn his thoughts of school into positive.

Thanks

Pam

[Guest guest]

Hi Pam, similar situations here. My OCD/Aspie son had no social life

outside school, no friends who called or he could call, did seem to

have someone/others to sit with at lunch. Although I always tried to

say at beginning of each year about lunchtime that if they (any of my 3

sons) couldn't find anyone to sit with, " don't worry " about it, " it's

not too long a time actually, take a book or just take the time to

observe or think about things (mind occupied).

I always, even as young adult, admired others I would see in

restaurants sitting alone and eating. Would have hated it, how did

they do it...? Some had books or newspapers to read, others didn't. I

finally MADE myself go eat breakfast a couple times alone and was proud

of myself. Lunchtime isn't bad either. Now I still have never eaten

out alone at night anywhere. Funny how we wonder what other people

think. I DO go to movies alone, I'm fine with that. So not

yet " daring " to eat alone at restaurant at night, I feel empathy for

the kids at lunchtime, what with the added " peer/social "

aspect/pressure. I'm 50, I SHOULD be able to handle it, LOL.

OK, back to school -- I also have said to various sons over the years

(I have 3) that they are in school to LEARN - PERIOD so don't worry

about the rest; that of all the other students there, there may only be

1 2 or 3 that they will even stay in touch with after high school; and

that the better friends are usually made during high school. And then

new friends in college and then with job/career and wherever they live,

etc., and the latter two being the longest-lasting type friends. Or

just saying you won't see these people after high school, just get thru

these school years, they're not important, ignore them.... (Though I

was up AT the school after calling 504 meetings to address some things,

plus I got 's 8th grade classes changed before school began that

year, partly to avoid who was in them)

Now my OCD son didn't have any outside social life in high school

either (the Aspie part??) but all the students were MUCH nicer. Even

those who had given him a hard time (really, those that teased him or

said things) were nice by 10th grade (some even in 9th). He wasn't

the " weird " kid or the " he's on drugs/crack " kids (really, I heard that

rumor; used to speed thru the hallways, plus was just odd in

general I guess). In high school he was the " smart " kid who others

actually wanted to sit beside, who they asked for help with studying,

said " hi " to him around town, and other good experiences. And

opened up a bit more (had a great teacher who helped by heaping praise

on him) and joined a couple clubs (fencing and...key club?). So if he

was still " odd " he was odd because he was " so smart. " And considered

shy.

So, Pam, I guess I would address any particular events (of being

bullied or picked on/teased) directly with the school in a meeting with

guidance counselor, 504/IEP team, group of current teachers or just the

principal). 's teachers weren't aware of anything. Even some

things that happened while they were in the room, though most kids

generally don't do things around teachers. But I let them know *I* was

aware of them and wanted them to watch for things. School is supposed

to be a learning environment, who can learn when you're anxious and

stressed from other students/peers.... And at home I was " arming

myself " with things about school harassment/bullying to use if needed.

Why does your son think things will be different at another school?

Can he say WHY it would be different, he'd still be the same person.

And the " new " person. Is it just to get away from the teasing,

bullying that he wants or does he think it's a chance to make friends?

The way was, things for him wouldn't have changed by changing

schools. But that was . My oldest son was actually sort of

popular, and always out of the house socially but said he had no real

friends in his grade, they were a year ahead or behind....

Quick thoughts and typing!

>

> I have a Question for anyone who can relate to this topic. My son is

> in 7th grade, has no social life outside of school, and maybe just a

> handful of friends at school that he sits down to lunch with. Mostly

> everyday he tells me that he wishes he could be in another school, he

[Guest guest]

Hi Pam,

I'm sorry to hear that your son has been bullied, and is unhappy with

his school. I think the positive thing to do for your son, is to pay

the price and put him in a different school, and a new environment. I

don't think you can change his mind about the current situation, and it

will likely deteriorate further if he stays there. At least, your son

will feel like you are doing something different to try and improve his

school life. I wish you the best.

Tyra

>

> I have a Question for anyone who can relate to this topic. My son is

> in 7th grade, has no social life outside of school, and maybe just a

> handful of friends at school that he sits down to lunch with. Mostly

> everyday he tells me that he wishes he could be in another school, he

> can't stand his Teachers or the kids there. Last year he was bullied

> and my husband and I came very close to transfering him out and paying

> out of district fees. His grades are fine and is able to function

> during the school day but is extremely serious when he's there. I

> keep telling him that he will meet new people at high-school and

> things will get better. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can

> turn his thoughts of school into positive.

>

> Thanks

> Pam

>