Re: Father's who can't handle their child's OCD/

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Just wanted to say how great it is to hear a father's perspective and

suggestions on this. It reminds me to consider my both my husband's

son's avoidance at times - male running from pain... And to focus on

logic rather than emotion with solutions. So thank you for these

reminders.

Also want to wish you all the best with your daughter and her

treatment at . I hope she gains the tools she needs to turn

the disorder around. It sounds like it has been a long haul for your

daughter and your family, I truly hope you are headed in a better

direction now.

Warmly,

Barb

>

> Vicki:

>

> Couple of comments...

> First, I really relate to your husband right now. My daughter is 19

> and currently at a treatment facility (). We've had lots of

ups

> and downs over the past four years. I am very aware that I am still

> grieving for that bright little girl who was so inquisitive and who

> was going to set the world on fire, and who is now struggling with

the

> basic mechanics of getting through the day. It's hard.

>

> Secondly, I think it will help you in all this if you can refrain

from

> reminding your husband that he is in pain. He will run away from

that

> very fast, and go into more denial.

>

> Thirdly, your husband may well be facing his own OCD issues that he

> has been unaware of or suspected.

>

>

> I think that appealing to his guy sense of problem-solving may be

> helpful. Try pitching it that way: " Regardless of what we feel, or

> what we think, the best expert advice suggests that we do THIS to

fix

> the problem, and it's not that our son just needs to grow up a

little.

> It's uncomfortable for both of us to get help about this, but it's

> like going to the mechanic for engine work on the car. " I would

stay

> away from talking to your husband about his feelings or your

feelings.

> That can come later on, but if you push that he will run away from

> the reality of it faster.

>

> Just a few thoughts based on what you said and my own experiences.

> They may or may apply. Hope this helps. Let us know.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

and ,

Thank you! I think the thing that a lot of men don't understand is

that women (ME) tend to feel responsible when anyone in their family

is hurting.... including our wonderful husbands. It is so hard,

because it is almost a double edged sword. I am already in so much

emotional pain for my son... I am trying to turn that sadness into

action for his sake, but my husband having a hard time with it, as

funny as it sounds.... I needed him not to, for me to be okay. I know

that is unrealistic, but it was first that I couldn't help my son and

then, I couldn't help my husband. Boy... I didn't feel very

successful as a mom or wife. My husband is now willing to speak with

me more about it and we are sharing our sadness for our son with each

other. We are sharing that we are a major key to his success in the

future. We are both 100% Greek and boy, talk about fiery tempers....

well, when you have an OCD kid... a fiery temper isn't very helpful,

it increases the anxiety greatly. So... we are now on a road of

learning for ourselves as well. It is a much better place to be to

realize for all women and men that you are so right... we all deal

differently. It has taken us a while to get on the same path for our

child, but.... we are on our way.

Thanks so much for your input...

Vicki

Elk Grove, CA

>

> I just wanted to share with everyone a poem that has helped me so

much in times of dispair and feeling helpless. It reminds us that all

the pain and suffering we go through ( and our children go throuh) is

a door. A door to better things, an opportunity. Reframing the

helplesness keeps me going in times of dispair. I hope it gives at

least one ofyou some relief. So here it is:

>

>

> From " Abre la Puerta " by Clarrisa Pinkola Estes

>

> " And, oh, the world that is young and has loved so deeply

> and been betrayed, whose skin hangs like rags

> and whose arms have no muscle and whose eyes have lost luster;

> open the door of your heartaches and step through the door of your

betrayal.

> Pass through the hole that is left in your heart.

> Pass through because it is a door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> Do you remember that your legs are el anillo, the ring that circles

the lover?

> Your legs make a door, pass through the door,

> Abre la Puerta pass the bulb through.

> Open the door, the most sacred of doors,

> the trail through your belly and the road up your spine.

>

> Remember, fire is a door.

> and song is a door. A scar is a door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> The forest on fire is a door

> and the ocean ruined is a door.

> Anything that needs us

> or calls us to God is a door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> Anything that hurts us,

> anything that needs us opens the door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> All of these years of seeming indestructibility,

> the grandfather of your world dies

> and his heart explodes

> and yours breaks into a thousand pieces.

> These are doors. Open the doors.

> Abre la Puerta. Pass through these doors.

>

> The world is a tribe of one-breasted women.

> Walk through the door of the scars on their chest.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> Over the edge of the world you go,

> into the abyss. You march in time.

> And put the best medicine in the worst of the wounds.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> The lake in which you almost drowned, that is a door.

> The slap in the face that made you kiss the floor, that is a door.

> The betrayal that sent you straight to hell, that is a door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> Same old story, all strong souls first go to hell

> before they do the healing of the world they came here for.

> If we are lucky we return to help those still trapped below.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

> Hell is a door caused by pain.

>

> Opening a flower, rain opening the Earth

> the kisses of humans opening the heart of the world

> these are doors.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> The scar drawn by razors, that is a door.

> The scars that are doors are opened, are opened.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> The scars drawn by chainsaws across forests, those are doors.

> The poem of new life that comes every dawn,

> the soaring of sun, that is a door, the grave is a door.

> The door to hell is a door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

>

> Your grandmother, your grandfather,

> your mother, your father have died leaving a hole in your life.

> Step through that hole. It is an opening.

> That hole is a threshold. That hole is a door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door.

> Abre la Puerta, open the door. "

>

> ©Copyright 1980, 2007, Dr. C.P. Estes, All Rights Reserved.

> From La Pasionaria, Collected Works, Poetry of Clarissa Pinkola

Estes,

> forthcoming from Alfred A. Knopf. Reprinted here by kind permission

of author.

>